No more "maybe"s

I set a goal a while back that I wanted to blog more. I haven't stuck to it. So here I am... blogging... right now.

Let's talk. Just me and you.

Time to be real. Time to not put up my wall for a hot second (and by second I mean blog post). I always talk about how I like to be busy, so I keep myself busy with everyone and everything possible in order for me to not "think". I distract myself. In essence, I avoid the sadness that is inevitable. I know this. I know it's inevitable. Why am I so afraid to be sad? Why is everyone so afraid to be sad? That's what irks (spelling?) me. When people tell me I shouldn't cry over something that I cry about. If I'm the one crying about it, I obviously think it's worth crying over. I don't need anyone to tell ME what to cry about. Then when I pretend that I'm not sad, everyone knows because my friends can read me, so it's just wasting time and effort by pretending. It's okay to be sad. Well...it's not OKAY... but it's not FORBIDDEN, you know?

I spent a lot of time with a lot of people this past week and I really enjoyed it, I did. But I'm back at school, just chilling in the library, doing my thing, and I'm sad. I'm not distracted. I'm just taking it all in. Taking in what I like and don't like about my life. What do I want to fix, what do I have the will power to fix, and what will I ACTUALLY fix? Something that I want to fix, but won't actually do it right now - smoking. I want to quit. Eventually. I'm limiting myself to buying one pack a week. And only on the weekend. I don't know what that will mean over Christmas break since I won't be at school to bum them from people. I want to quit - just not now. Procrastination central. Wah wah. I don't really give a fuck. I want to be myself. Someone super important in my life is taking time for themselves right now and I feel like that's a fiya example. I will still always be with all my friends, but I need to do me. I need to figure out what "I" am in order to do "me". Make sense? Great.

Worrying about school right now is really getting me. I'm pissed, but I'm not. Want to know why? Of course you do! Well I've been talking my ass off about how hard I've worked at school. I brought my English average up from a 64 to a 79 in two months. THAT WAS HARD. I have a 79.4 in that class and we don't have ANYMORE grades due. We have our final, but I don't know if that counts to the class or if that counts to the proficiency exam. It's complicated and stupid. So I'm pissed because it's SO close to a B, but I'm not pissed because I brought my average up 15 points in like seven weeks. I'm hardcore. I want a 3.0 but I don't think I can get it if the final doesn't count to the class. I don't know. I'm frustrated. Last week of classes. Ashley's moving home next semester. I'm getting my FOURTH roommate. That's another issue I'm having. I know it's not personal, it's just frustrating. I get really lonely. Oh, full circle, here we come.

I get really lonely. Period. I hate being lonely because I know I will think. I know when I think, I will get sad. I don't like being sad. Being sad makes me sad. How fucking stupid. I want to go to therapy again. Someone text me tomorrow and remind me to look into that. I want to. I would do it today but I won't have time. That's a lie. I have time. Right now. And I will at 2:30. Maybe I will go before my 3:30 class. Maybe not. I just want to be better. I want to fix myself - I said that Tuesday night. "I want to fix myself, but I don't know what to fix. I don't know what's broken." Maybe I need to stop being afraid of being sad and maybe I need to stop being afraid of fixing myself. Maybe I need to figure out what's wrong and then maybe I need to fix it. Maybe I need some introspection. I'm okay with that. It might take a while, but I want to be happy again. I'm happy when I'm with my friends, but when I'm not, I'm not happy. It's pretty simple to explain. Companionship = security = love = happiness. Lack thereof = opposite of previously mentioned happiness = sadness = depression = anxiety. Pretty fucking simple.

I'm really glad I blogged. I'm really glad I'm keeping to the goal... even if it takes a big fucking blog about life to make me keep to the goal, I'm doing it. I know it's going to be a long walk to being better, but I'd rather keep walking than turn around, you know?

xoxo DannDann

When you wish upon a star...

So I've been in the library for over two hours and I'm just frustrated. I'm just really fucking frustrated. And I don't know why. So I figured, I would just vent at my blog before I went back to my room to watch Glee.

I've been trying and trying and fucking trying for a month now to get my school life back on track. I've ONLY skipped once in almost five weeks. That's a pretty fucking big accomplishment if you ask me. I'm turning in everything on time, I'm doing my homework, I'm making flashcards, I'm typing my notes, I'm studying. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do as a good student...so why am I not seeing a dramatic shoot up in my grades? I know that I waited for the last two months of school to actually give a fuck. And I know that's a stupid idea. I know how much I'm doing and I know how it's about a million percent more than what I did the beginning of this semester or all of last year, and I know it's hard work and I know it will pay off eventually. But I'm not seeing it pay off yet and it's just really difficult to put forth so much FUCKING effort and not really see anything yet.

Also, I feel very out of place. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the library. I don't belong in my dorm. I don't belong in my house. I don't belong anywhere. I don't know where I belong and that, in itself, is frustrating. Not just the fact that I can't find the place that I'm looking for, but that I can't find a place at all. And THAT is aggaravating. Sometimes I really just wish I had my car and I could just drive. Just drive to some place that would feel...right. I just want to be somewhere where my best IS good enough, where my hard work DOES pay off, where I am APPRECIATED. I just want to find that place. So fucking bad.

I'm just so frustrated and so unhappy. And everyone, including myself, has too many things to do to really try to fix it. The majority of my friends don't keep in touch with each other anymore. I hate that. I wish things were back to the way they used to be. I wish we all still needed each other. I wish we all still wanted to need each other. I wish for a lot of things. Guess there's just a lack of stars lately...

xoxo DannDann

Warmth

So it's really cold
in my room.
Really cold.
And I have this
Bag of chocolate.
And it gets
really hard especially
now during the
colder days.
So when I take
out a piece of
chocolate, I put
it on top of my
iPod dock and
it melts it a
little bit.
I just thought it
would be something
you would want to
know one day when
you were feeling blue.
Just think about the
electric current
warming some
chocolate and
making it that much
more enjoyable.

You learn something new everyday =]

xoxo DannDann

JAMZ.

I'm a SMOOTH CRIMINAL and I want you to HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME. EVERYBODY BACKSTREET'S BACK. You know what else is back? The BLACK AND GOLD. They are BULLETPROOF right now, yo. Don't eat too much or you might POP. Then you'll be NUMB and never want an ENCORE. So HERE WE GO AGAIN... WHY NOT just MMMBOP? OOPS I DID IT AGAIN, I asked him to KISS ME and now I'm BLEEDING LOVE. I might've been a JUMPER if it weren't for STACY'S MOM, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT... Then I asked her to SAY MY NAME. Now I'm living the LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

This is why Hannah Claire and I are best friends. End of story. Period.

xoxo DannDann

Pool of wine

Things are becoming more stressful than I anticipated. Not skipping class for three weeks is really paying off. For example: today on my Biology test, I studied the notes for about an hour and a half today. It was all really confusing stuff, so I'm not sure how I did. I didn't make an A. With a prayer, I made a B. But I'm aiming for a C. But at least four of five questions on the test were from things that we went over in class - things that didn't even relate to biology. One question was about a violin. One was about an example he made up about mountains. Had I not gone to class, I would not have known that we don't have algae in Louisiana because we don't have rocks. So I'm definitely going to try to not skip next week and have it be a whole month of not skipping class. I'm doing really well.

I actually did my rough draft of my paper for its due date in English. For the first time in a long time. It was horrible and it was exactly what it was supposed to be - a ROUGH draft. But it was done nonetheless. I would rather get a 22/30 than a 0/30. So I did it. I've been catching up with everything, but I'm still worried about my GPA. The lowest I can get the semester, with hopes to get my scholarship back, is a 3.2. My personal goal is a 3.5. That's two A's and two B's. Right now I have a C in Biology, a C in English, a B in theatre, and a B in political science. I need to bring everything one letter grade. I don't know if I can bring up Biology and poli sci though. I might be able to bring up Biology, but it's really hard. Science has always been my worst subject. Ughhh. Enough about school...

So I talked to Olivia last night for the first time in three weeks. She had bigs news. So she tells me what's going on in her life and, for the first time in the history of Olivia and I's friendship, I got worried. It's so strange. I've never been worried about Olivia before in my entire life. She is the person I treat most like an equal. If anyone out of the majority of my close friends had the same situation, I know I would be like, "This is a bad idea and you're going to fuck yourself over" because the majority of my friends are like my "kids". I've never had to worry about her before. I've never been so quiet. She could tell I was thinking something, but she didn't know what since I wasn't saying anything. Fuck, I still don't even know what I'm thinking about it. When I hung up with her I just started bawling crying. Couldn't stop. And when I finally did stop, I would randomly get a text message from someone that would say "I miss you." I got about four of those. And I would just start crying again. I was a big ball of tears. I didn't even want to do anything but sleep. So that's exactly what I did. I slept 8 hours.

I haven't talked to anyone lately and I'm not as upset as I should be...not as I thought I would be, as I SHOULD BE. I know myself too well to think that maybe I just overestimated how much I need people. Because I didn't overestimate it. I know that I need people. I know that I am extremely socially dependent. I didn't even want to talk to anyone last night, when I was upset, and usually it's the exact opposite. Something is wrong with me, and it's not what is "usually" wrong. There are a lot of things that are "usually" wrong with me. But this is just weird. This isn't how I react, this isn't how I work. I just feel so out of it, so confused, so worried, and I don't even know why. All I know is that it's strange and I don't like not knowing how things work, especially when that thing is myself.

I don't know what to think about it. And I don't like that.

xoxo DannDann