OPENING NIGHT!

Hello, blogging world. It's been a while... but isn't it always? I have about ten minutes before I have to run to class, so I figured I would write a little bit.

Speaking of class, I'm kind of failing in school. I dropped one of my Ed classes about a month ago. I'm struggling to get my Sped hours or actually, I'm struggling to get a C in that class. I'm doing well in Acting and Ed Psych. Really well, actually. I'm kind of getting my shit together in English (- this coming from the girl who hasn't started the research paper that was due on Thursday). But mainly Sped is my hard class right now. A whole bunch of bullshit.

But the biggest edition to my life this semester is... being happy. I am really and truly satisfied with where I am right now. With the exception of school, I've never felt this good for this long. I have the most amazing friends, at home AND at school. They all like each other (for the most part) and I'm in a show. And I'm the lead. We open tonight. I can't wait. Everyone from home is coming to see it on Friday. I will hopefully blow everyone away. (Fingers crossed) That is the thirs time I've used parentheses in this blog. I'm over it. You're over it. We all scream for ice cream.

But for reals, I need to get my shit together with school. I get really jealous of people who type with the correct typing fingers. I only type with my two index fingers and two middle fingers. I don't even use my left middle that much. It's something that's always bothered me - not typing with the correct fingers. But I can still type very quickly and efficiently. You learn something new every day, right? Well, I'm off to class.

Twas nice writing again... hope to catch you soon. Thanks for listening.

xoxo DannDann

Summer realizations

Current jam - "I Still Wonder" by Joseph Birdsong.

And thus begins a new semester. I haven't blogged all summer, I think. I've been busy as fuck. And I've loved it. This summer has taught me a lot. Lots of laughs, tears, lessons, and fun all bundled up into three months and I wouldn't change a goddamn thing. I saw people's true colors. Some were gorgus, some were vile. But I'm adjusting to all of them. Why make a big deal over people that won't matter when all you have to do is walk away and cut the ties that you need to cut? I know that sounds really fucking pessimistic. But I don't need to make a big deal about cutting people out who only care about themselves. Unnecessaary drama = lame. I'm not that person anymore. My therapist has helped me sort out a whole bunch of shit. Thank Christ. Love her. Her = my therapist....not....Christ....

This semester is going to be craaaaaaaaaaazy. I have to try to memorize a monologue in basically one day. I had my second audition today. I have to get 35 hours of field experience for education. I'm taking three education classes, and english class, an acting class, and library science. My roommate, Erika, and I are getting along really well. Definitely one of the best ones I've had. Other than Ashley, of course.

Shit, I just got really tired. This entry is not that great. And that's okay. =] Peace out, bitches.

xoxo DannDann

Let that be enough...

It's been a while... it always is.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to let go - to not have something that you tell yourself you don't want. Have you ever felt like that?

There's this thing. And it just eats at you. Constantly. And you don't want it anymore because you know how much you can't stand it. It used to make you happy. It used to be part of your life, but now... it's just... not. And you don't want it to be, but you missed what it used to be. And this thing... it's just hard to let go of... because you held on for so long... and you don't necessarily know how to not do that anymore. It's weird. You can't escape it because it's everywhere and you think about it a lot. So you're constantly reminded about how things aren't the way they used to be and how they will never be that way again. And you're absolutely sure that you don't want it back in your life. But it's always there... and then you feel weird, because it's over, it's done... right? It's the end... right? Is this letting go? Is this moving on? Is this one step to healthy?

So you had that thing, right? And the NEW thing that helps you move past the OLD thing is practically the only thing getting you through it all. But then the new thing gets taken away for a bit. Not because the new thing is defected or anything, but just because it can't be there for a little bit. It's nothing personal, and you understand, and you're happy for the new thing and all of what it is going to experience during this time... but you can't stop thinking about how the old thing will be everywhere and the new thing won't be anywhere at all. So did you really let go? Or are you bound to fall right back into everything? Will you let yourself? Will you stay strong - or will you just give up... like you did every other time before?

"Let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch. Let me know that you love me - let that be enough."

I guess it isn't. And the thing is... I don't think it ever was.

You're not what I want. You're not what I need. And you're certainly not what makes me happy.

It's difficult to let go... but I need to. I want to. And honestly... there's nothing else to do.

xoxo DannDann

January 24, 2010 11:56 pm

Less than two months ago:

I love you too. It makes me so happy to see that both of us are making changes in our lives and doing things for ourselves to make ourselves better. I know I have a lot to work on. And theres a lot i need to do for myself but the same way that youre glad that im here for you, im really happy that you are here for me too. i love you too. more.


Today:

What happened? Where did things go wrong? It's not that I don't want you there. I do... quite possibly more than you could imagine. I miss you. I love you. I care about you. I just don't want to make the effort first this time. I don't want to put myself out there and have you not care. I just don't want to be hurt anymore and taken for granted. I just think to myself, if you really love me and you really care, you'll call; you'll do something.It's a lot for me to handle. "It's gonna work out Dani, it always does with our friends." But it's different this time. It's never been this long. It's never been long at all. I just don't want to initiate something because I really feel like you won't respond either way. I'm scared to fall back into it and to have everything happen again. I'd be lying if I said I was over it. I'm not. At all. I'm still hurt. I'm still upset. I still love you. I. Still. Love. You.

I miss you. Do you miss me?

xoxo DannDann

It's whatever, right?

The only response I had to that was "...interesting" because that's all that I could think of to say. I don't know what is worse - that I hope it will happen or that I don't expect it to. Either way, you said it would. It won't. I know you far too well.

I think you underestimate how difficult you make things. I try to be okay with it - the whole thing. You just don't understand. I would like to hear from you but I'm getting really tired of being the one who always initiates everything. It's cool. It's whatever. It's whatever, right?

I've been busy with school so I've been keeping myself occupied so that I won't think. My assignment for next week's therapy is to let myself think. I won't have any trouble with that. AT ALL. I started thinking in the library tonight. And here we are. Just me and you. Expect more blogs since I'm letting myself not be distracted anymore. It's all part of the process. I had just forgotten how angry it makes me to think.

Guess it's time for me to remember...

xoxo DannDann

It's not that I don't have time... it's that I don't make time.

It's been almost exactly three months since I've last blogged. Disgusting. A lot has happened - none of which I am about to divulge. This is not a "here's what you missed." If you weren't there for it, I most likely didn't want you there or you didn't care enough to be there. That sounds a lot harsher than it is, but facts are facts. If you don't know, now is not the time for you to find out. Now that the disclaimer(?) is out of the way...

This semester is leaving me thoroughly exhausted. Between taking 7 classes, totaling 18 hours - PS: I am probably dropping english on friday - I have been worn down like crazy. And I just found out that all my observation hours for Educ212 are due in a week and a half and I havent started them. Ewwww, I know. Blegh. I had a mental breakdown last week from being so overworked. It was sick. I didn't have anyone to talk to, which made things worse. And therapy is making me think alot. It's been making me think a lot since I started going back in December. I love my therapist though. Angela is waaaayyyy mcfiya. My assignment from three weeks ago was to watch a movie that she told me to watch. I finally watched it at like quarter to midnight tonight, thinking that I would watch a little tonight and finish the rest tomorrow. I know I at least wanted to get it started so I wouldn't forget to do it this week...but I watched the whole thing. Waited for the movie to reload for half an hour because I really wanted to see the ending. Talk about cryfest. So many things in that movie related to my life. SOOOOO MANY. None of which I will share, because NO ONE knows about them. Except Ashley and Olivia. But they will continue to be the only two people who know about it... no offense to anyone else, it's just the way it is :/

Anyway....so the movie was amazing and it made me want to write. Sometimes the whole thing just gets so overwhelming. It made me think so much. "I look at them and I know its real...but this isn't real." And that's what sucks. I know it's not real, trust me, I'm a realist, I KNOW. Ugh but I get so frustrated with myself for getting caught up in it. I don't want it to be like this. I know it won't be like this EVENTUALLY, but I just hate that it's taking so long. I wish I could just do some crazy mind spell and be done with everything. I know I sound a bit crazy, but I know what I mean and I just want to write. Fuck.

I can't wait for this semester to be over. I need to make sure I get my grades way the fuck up. 3.5 at least. I think I'm definitely dropping English. I can't wait for Spring Break. Fuck, I can't wait for summer. I'm going to love teaching because of summer vacation. Damn. I feel like I've just typed nonstop until this point and I really don't recall anything I've said. I don't even think I'm going to double check it for GUM (ten million points to you if you know what that stands for in English paper terms) errors. I always do. It will bother me a bit. But I'm kind of tired of being so analytical of the things I write. I edit things so that certain people won't know what I'm talking about or so that I don't loudcap certain people, but I'm kind of tired of making sure my writing means something to people. It's MY fucking blog, ya know? Not that anyone complains about my writing, but I always want to make sure people won't complain about it. But tonight, I just don't care. It's my writing. It's MY writing. What movie is that from. It's from something. "It's my face. It's MY face." JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS! I fucking googled that shit like it was nobody's business. Hahahahhaha.

Oh jeez. Well...enough for now. I kept saying that I wanted to blog more (and I do) but I feel like I should actually DO IT if I want to. It's not that I don't have time...it's that I don't make time.

Hmmmm there's something to think about. "It's not that I don't have time... it's that I don't make time."

I think I'd like to fix that...

xoxo DannDann