Where do we go from here?

I wonder what happens when everyone realizes how much they need you. Where do we go from here? How is it possible to care about someone who is such an idiot? And of course, you can't tell them the blunt truth, word-for-word, because that would be too harsh and then you would be a bitch for saying it in the first place, and he would think the completely wrong thing about what you're trying to say. What happens when he cares so much about being with them that he loses the ones who really matter?

What happens when you forget all the time that he's so much younger than you and that you won't see him every day for the next year when you've seen him everyday for the past month and a half? And what if he gets taken away by the people you can't stand the most? And I can't say I support it, but I can't say I don't. I can't win. Even if I did have the mailbox and pillowcases to prove it, nothing would change. Where do we go from here when you can't stick up for me, but you can stick up for him?

What happens when you realize all the mistakes you've made, the few that people know about, and the many that you've told anyone? And you think, what if things were different...no, what if things will be different? If things change, if people change...when people change. Where do we go from here when everyone is changing and nobody is stopping to say "Slow the fuck down! Please." Where do we go when we realize we waited too long to stop and realize that what we had was perfect and that it's not what we have anymore? What about when you can't stop thinking about people who you need to stop thinking about? What then?

What happens when you go to college and you leave six of your seven best friends, and right now you could give a fuck less about three of them because they all conveniently decide that they have better things to do and better people to talk to and you still only have one fucking month left? What happens when you wake up in your bed in your dorm an hour away from everything you knew and what the fuck happens when you realize that it was gone long before you left the city? When will people just stop and realize what their priorities are and who will be there for them in the long run? When will the people who you used to matter to realize that they've lost you - when it's too late? Is that when?

And why is it that I can just sit here at 1:20 in the morning and just listen to this song, the same song that I've listened to for the past thirty five minutes, and not care about anything but the fact that I refuse to go back and hypenate thirty five. And again. And why are Hannah, this song, and Reginelli's the only things that can make me relatively content with my life? Why can't I let go of him? And him? And him? When will I realize that I can't fix everything? When will I realize that maybe not everything can be fixed? You can't do it all, Dani. And that's okay. All you can do is you and if people aren't going to stop and realize that you doing you is possibly the best thing that they could do for themselves, then fuck it.

What good is worrying your life away when all the time I spend worrying could be time spent loving this song even more and loving the people who sing it. And I could spend my time being jealous of them and how fucking amazing they are, or I could spend my time being thankful that I have the pleasure of being friends with these people, the people that other people look at and say, "Damn, I wish I knew them". Why worry about incorrect punctuation when I can think about that dress that I wore on my birthday? God, I love that dress. I can't just sit here and worry about everyone all the time. Sometimes I just need to chill the fuck out and not think about anything or just think about things that would make me happy in the most perfect ways. Like those bangs. Or my prom shoes. Or Hannah getting her radio fixed. Or Tyler wearing tights. Or sleeping at a boat launch and watching the sun come up after the worst night ever. Or hearing Monique sing. Or baking brownies with Matthew. Or being part of the Star of David. Or hearing people laugh. God, I love to hear people laugh.

Jody. What a silly silly silly boy. This was such a good idea. A very very good idea. I wonder if you have read this far...I like your voice. I'm sure I've told you this nine thousand times. I'm just still listening to the song. For the past fifty minutes now. It makes me happy.

This is long. I like it. I'm really glad I wrote this. Sweet dreams world. It's been real.

xoxo DannDann