Lessons learned

I couldn't have written the last paragraph of my previous blog with better timing. Today brought many new lessons. You will always get hurt the most by the people who are supposed to love you as much as they say they will. You will always get hurt. Period. The people change. The amount of shock changes. The names change. The faces change. The words change. The lies change. The hurt...that stays the same...no...it just gets worse. I hate that almost everyone I am friends with only thinks of themselves. I hate that how selfish people will be is clear to everyone except me. "You can't be Jack, he's already Jack." "Please....him? Him? I would never ditch you like that." Even though that joke was made way too soon considering it just happened TODAY, it's still true.

I can't recall the last time so many people who I thought cared had let me down to such an immense degree. Let's go through shall we? There's four. 1) You are the most genuine. I'm glad you were the one I talked to the most and I'm glad I have the most resolution with you from this. You listen to me. You let me do me. You let me yell at you. You handled it. Nobody else out of the four of you could've, I promise. However, you did, undoubtedly, dissapoint me with this whole situation. I thought you would be the one to say that it was wrong instead of thinking of "other things." I think I overestimated how much you cared. I know you care, but not as much as I thought you did.

2) We probably won't talk much about this, if at all. I don't like that everything you do is one-sided, especially this. I wish you cared about how upset I am. I feel like I would go to the end of the earth for you and this is what I get from you in return. I just don't understand why you all had to lie. I never know what you're thinking. I wish you would just talk to me. I highly doubt you will admit you fucked up...but you did. You all did. I just wish you cared more about how much this affected me.

3) There is no way you would've been able to be there when it happened today. You would've been scared. I don't know what I've done to you in this past week, if anything, but I absolutely cannot fucking stand that you haven't talked to me in almost a week. I don't know what your deal is. I figure that you know that I know, but I wish you would actually fucking talk to me. It used to be me that you would talk to about everything. I guess you don't need me anymore now that I'm gone. That's not what I thought I would be to you. I used to think I actually meant something to you; now I'm not so sure. You avoid things at all costs and run away. I wish you knew how upset I am with you.

4) I wanted to get somewhere when we talked. I feel like you hold back a lot. I am forever frustrated with this because you always tell me not to have a filter, not to hold things back, and yet I somehow am the one who got lied to by you. Those tables turned rather quickly. Out of anyone, you know how much I love you. I make damn sure that you always know that and for you to completely disregard how I feel just really really really hurts me. One second you tell me how much you miss me and how much you love me and how happy I make you and the next you're lying to me for reasons that "well, I don't really know why that happened." Please make up your mind whether you want to keep stepping on my heart or not and let me know so I can know whether or not it's okay for me to love you. I might be the most dissapointed in you in this situation, not necessarily overall, but in this situation, possibly.

I don't like being fucked over by people who are supposed to be closest to me. By people I love. By people I care about. I come home to see you. I come home to be with you. You didn't want to be with me because you were "aggravated" with me or something like that...I'm here for two days out of the week and I'm really starting to wonder whether or not I will be coming home as much anymore. Is it really worth it? I ask that question too much and now I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to stop asking the question, when I am going to be happier, and when I am going to give up on people who keep dissapointing me...people like you.

xoxo DannDann