Let's cross the line

I just got out of the shower about 20 minutes ago and I want to go to bed, however I am not tired. So I figured I would write to figure out what I'm thinking. It's 3:58 AM and all I want to do is write. Go figure.

What do I want? What a question. I want to be happy with everything in my life. This is highly unrealistic, but I can still want it, can't I? I do find myself being happier with certain parts of my life (or certain people rather) than I thought I was and not as happy as I thought I was with others. It's dangerous when I think. So much runs through my mind. I have been trying not to be so dependent on others these past two days. It's been working fairly well. I've also been trying not to take things too seriously, little things. I let a lot of little things get me down to really low points. Little things that people have said that would normally really make me angry, I've just been like "whatever, it's not worth it." I don't know how long this will last, but it has been working, nonetheless.

I'm glad that I got back to my dorm Thursday, even though I was lonely as ever. I enjoyed being on my terms with everything around me. The air. The conversation. The people. The music. I loved being able to control that again. I like to be in control of things. I know this. I don't like when I know that I don't know what is going on. When I don't know a secret (sometimes) or when I don't know what two people are fighting about or some kind of situation like that. I always like to be in control of a situation, not necessarily controlling the situation, but just being conscious of everything going on. I think I am that person who knows "everything" because I like to be (not necessarily the best wording that I could've chosen, but oh well) "in the know" of things. I also talk to the people I want to know about and they trust me, therefore I find out everything or at least hear about it.

I need straight guy friends. I love my guy friends who are gay, don't get me wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I probably love my gay guy friends more than my straight ones and that I'm undoubtedly closer to my gay boys than my straight boys. I really do love
them. They mean the world to me. But I need more straight guy friends. Not even just to consider a relationship with or anything, but just to have as friends. I was talking to Tim about his problems with his girlfriend and I realized how I am not used to straight boys with girl problems at all. But then again, I do want straight guys to be around who I can consider relationships with. I like to hookup and all, it's fun, it's grand, but I kind of want a constant in my life. (If you like math...) I don't like having so many variables, I would rather just have like pi or something. You always know what it is, you know it will always be pi, it's not gonna change and become x when its around y, you know its always gonna be pi. I want someone to love, to laugh with, to cry with, to dance with, to talk to, to smile at, to be with. I want to be with someone.

I have felt less important to certain people and more important to others in this past week. I have reassessed (spelling?) how much I think I mean to people. That wording was confusing. I have been thinking about if people value me as much as I thought they did or as much as they said they did. This past week, I have been in touch mostly with my best friends who I wasn't SUPER close to. I feel like they almost appreciate (word choice?) me more than I thought they did. I love them. I like learning how I feel about people I love. I am using parentheses way too much and I feel like I am an English teacher grading this blog. How silly. Back on topic! Anyway... I'm excited for lunch tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I miss my friends. I'm sure I will tell you all about it. Haha.

Quote of the day - "Let's cross the line" and "I love that we have a distinct us now"

All for now. Goodnight dear.

xoxo DannDann