Thinking thinking thinking

During this past week I've done a lot of thinking. I have reconsidered so many things, so many people, so many friendships in this past week. There's been a lot of "what the fuck am I doing?" in my head. I've been wondering if all the things I invest my time and commitment and heart into, if it's all worth it or not. I want to know what I mean to people. I want to know what I mean to you. I've been going off on love tangents lately for quite a few people. I always wonder what people would say about me, if I am worth it for people.

Hattiesburg makes me want to slit my wrists. Over and over again. I really hate it here. I can't tolerate my mother, my sister, or my sister's roommate. Just me and my dad. As usual. Everyone else is fucking stupid. I'm going back to Hammond today and I'm really glad about it. My father is bringing me back. That will be a relief. I'm tired of watching the fucking weather channel and CNN. I hate looking at the weather over and over. I get sick of it. Instead of watching the weather last night, I watched Palin. I like her a lot. We still don't have power at my house, but we do at my dorm. That's what matters.

I find that I miss my friends a lot and that I have sperts of missing them. I really miss my friends when I talk to them, but other than that, I'm pretty convinced I could go a month without seeing them and be fine. This contradicts half of the things I feel. I always tell people how much I want to see them, and I do. I really do want to see my friends from home. But I know I don't need to see them immediately when it comes down to it. I was thinking about this for the past 12 hours. I depend too much on other people and I think that's why I am let down frequently. I let other people take over how I feel, intentional or not. I need to become more independent. I need to be able to control the way I feel and not let other people control that. But I'm also kind of worried that if I detach myself from people, that I will lose a significant amount of the "Dani" in me.

I don't need a bandaid, I need stitches. I need a line. (Thank you Jody). I don't know if anything will change but I just hate that a majority of what I feel is because of other people. I don't like asking people what they don't like about me and having it affect me ridiculously. I just want to feel things because I want to feel them, not because I let other people push my buttons. I don't want anyone to have that option. I don't want people to be able to push buttons. It's stupid. I don't think you should let other people affect how real you are willing to be. Secrets are one thing, but you, as a person, is different. I don't think someone should have to compromise what they would say because of other people. If you want to say something, say it. I feel like I have held back a bit because of certain people, not much, but I still think I have done this. I don't like that. You hearing me or you being where I am is not going to change the way I feel and it shouldn't change whether or not I am going to say what I feel when I am around you. Make sense?

I think too much. But it's who I am. It's bad that I think too much, but someone has to think of everything. I'm that person. I don't necessarily LOVE it, but I'm okay with it. I am. I'm okay with me. I'm a fairly good person. I think so. I think I'm a good friend. It doesn't hurt to hear that every once in a while. Wish I did. Ha. But I'm content with just knowing that I know it, whether or not everyone else does. Surely, I wish everyone else knew. Oh well.

I'm glad I'm going back to school today. I'm happy with that. PS - I wish more people would call other people. I'm always the one calling people. It's my thing? I don't really like that. But I know that if I don't call, that I won't get called. I don't like it. I think it's stupid. I like getting called. It makes me feel loved. You all should try it sometime. All for now.

xoxo DannDann