Balance

God, I can't remember the last time I worried about someone so much. I love him so much and I want the best for him and it was so hard for me to say what I said tonight. I don't know how to tell someone they're making a mistake without saying "you're making a mistake". And I can't say that. I want him to make his own choices, his own decisions. My opinion is extremely biased, yet extremely realistic, honest, and valuable. I know everyone's side of the story. I know how everyone feels about everyone. I like that I know practically everything, but at the same time I hate it. I like it because I can give advice knowing how everyone feels, but I hate it because I can give advice knowing how everyone feels.



I don't want him to be dissapointed or let down or upset. I don't want to be the one who makes his decisions or influences them greatly. I want him to make decisions based on what he feels but I want him to know how I feel about them. I don't want him to regret not going after this, but at the same time, if he does go after it I don't want him to regret it once he realizes I was right. I'm usually right. Period. I know what I'm talking about. I don't play. I have no problem being honest with him, but at the same time, I can predict how everything will turn out. I told him that but I think he was half asleep and didn't hear me. The thing that killed me though was what he said when he was half asleep. He said, "I'm going to go out with him. I want to date him. Is that okay with you?" And then there was about a two minute pause and he said, "Dani?" and I said, "Yeah" and he said, "What did I just say? I was falling asleep, I don't remember."



It took me a good minute and a half to regain my composure before I could repeat back to him what he had said. God, it shocked me. But I don't know what confused me more, the fact that I knew it was true or that he asked if it was okay with me. I don't want to say no, it's not okay, because I'm supportive of whatever he does. I want him to go for what he wants. I want him to be happy. I want him to make his own choices. But I'm worried that he will get hurt or let down or dissapointed and knowing that I could have maybe possibly said something to make things different is what will absolutely kill me. But I don't want to stop him from making his decision, whether or not I agree with it. I just do not see this ending well and I have tried to explain it over and over but I feel like I'm holding back. I feel like I'm afraid that I'm forcing my opinion on him.



I want him to be happy. I want the best for him and I really think he deserves better. Not that this is bad but he just deserves better. But at the same time, I want him to go after what he wants, not what I want for him even though my intentions are good. I just can't see it happening. I can't see him being happy with that. And again, I know it's not my decision, it's not up to me, but I just wish he knew everything I knew. I wish everyone knew everything I knew. How do you tell someone that you want what's best for them without sounding like you are trying to control them? I'm worried I am controlling him. I'm trying so hard not to. But, fuck, if you only knew how much I care about him. If anyone came slightly close to caring about him as much as I do, I don't think they would know how to handle themselves. I can't control what happens, and as much as I want things to go the way I want them to, I would much rather have him make decisions on his own.



Shit. How do you balance advice with influence?



xoxo DannDann