Pool of wine

Things are becoming more stressful than I anticipated. Not skipping class for three weeks is really paying off. For example: today on my Biology test, I studied the notes for about an hour and a half today. It was all really confusing stuff, so I'm not sure how I did. I didn't make an A. With a prayer, I made a B. But I'm aiming for a C. But at least four of five questions on the test were from things that we went over in class - things that didn't even relate to biology. One question was about a violin. One was about an example he made up about mountains. Had I not gone to class, I would not have known that we don't have algae in Louisiana because we don't have rocks. So I'm definitely going to try to not skip next week and have it be a whole month of not skipping class. I'm doing really well.

I actually did my rough draft of my paper for its due date in English. For the first time in a long time. It was horrible and it was exactly what it was supposed to be - a ROUGH draft. But it was done nonetheless. I would rather get a 22/30 than a 0/30. So I did it. I've been catching up with everything, but I'm still worried about my GPA. The lowest I can get the semester, with hopes to get my scholarship back, is a 3.2. My personal goal is a 3.5. That's two A's and two B's. Right now I have a C in Biology, a C in English, a B in theatre, and a B in political science. I need to bring everything one letter grade. I don't know if I can bring up Biology and poli sci though. I might be able to bring up Biology, but it's really hard. Science has always been my worst subject. Ughhh. Enough about school...

So I talked to Olivia last night for the first time in three weeks. She had bigs news. So she tells me what's going on in her life and, for the first time in the history of Olivia and I's friendship, I got worried. It's so strange. I've never been worried about Olivia before in my entire life. She is the person I treat most like an equal. If anyone out of the majority of my close friends had the same situation, I know I would be like, "This is a bad idea and you're going to fuck yourself over" because the majority of my friends are like my "kids". I've never had to worry about her before. I've never been so quiet. She could tell I was thinking something, but she didn't know what since I wasn't saying anything. Fuck, I still don't even know what I'm thinking about it. When I hung up with her I just started bawling crying. Couldn't stop. And when I finally did stop, I would randomly get a text message from someone that would say "I miss you." I got about four of those. And I would just start crying again. I was a big ball of tears. I didn't even want to do anything but sleep. So that's exactly what I did. I slept 8 hours.

I haven't talked to anyone lately and I'm not as upset as I should be...not as I thought I would be, as I SHOULD BE. I know myself too well to think that maybe I just overestimated how much I need people. Because I didn't overestimate it. I know that I need people. I know that I am extremely socially dependent. I didn't even want to talk to anyone last night, when I was upset, and usually it's the exact opposite. Something is wrong with me, and it's not what is "usually" wrong. There are a lot of things that are "usually" wrong with me. But this is just weird. This isn't how I react, this isn't how I work. I just feel so out of it, so confused, so worried, and I don't even know why. All I know is that it's strange and I don't like not knowing how things work, especially when that thing is myself.

I don't know what to think about it. And I don't like that.

xoxo DannDann