There's a fine, fine line

It amazes how I can be so close to someone and keep the biggest secret from them. It amazes me how that one thing keeps replaying in my head and keeps making me cry and that I have no idea as to why I keep reacting this way. If only you knew. I almost told you this weekend. But I didn't. It would've been stupid of me to do that. It's one thing for me to keep it to myself, but if you ever knew, it would be a whole nother worry that I would never let go of.

When you get to the end of the road and you get out of the car and you stare at the water, it's just you. It's just you and your thoughts. And your emotions. And your tears. And you. Sometimes the overall discontentment outweighs the current happiness. I don't know how to give this up. If I give up, I will eventually be happy on realistic terms. If I give up, I give everything up. You wouldn't know why. I would say that I'm busy, that I don't have time anymore, that nothing's wrong. I'd be lying. "Drama comes from people being not truthful, from people keeping secrets, when people lie." That's playing over in my head, too. My inner response and my outer response were completely opposite.

As much as I want to stop thinking about it, I can't. I don't want to change what it is, I just wish it were how I wanted it to be. "There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got."

xoxo DannDann

Frustration

I am so ready for everything to be done. I always have too much shit to do. I can never enjoy my Tuesdays or Thursdays off because all I can think about is all the shit I have due the next day. I don't like school. I just don't like it. I don't know what the fuck I want to do. I don't know if I fucking NEED to take this stupid fucking midterm in order to SUCCEED in my life. But I do it anyway. I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't want to fucking broadcast. I don't want to watch lectures. I don't want to take classes that I have to take because of the major that I DON'T want anymore and have it bring down my gpa which needs to be a FUCKING 3.7 WHICH IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. And if I don't get the fucking 3.7 I don't get to stay in private dorms next year. Shared dorms. SHARED. I might as well accept that it's going to happen. It's too much fucking work. I know it's Southeastern and I know it's all easy and what the fuck ever. I'm not a school person. I'm smart, but I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck about the Needle Theory and I don't give a fuck about public relations and I don't give a fuck about writing for the mass media. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I REALLY JUST FUCKING DON'T. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT I AM ACTUALLY FUCKING INTERESTED IN.

I don't want to have to work this fucking hard for something I don't even want to do. And when I complain about how difficult it is and how unhappy it makes me, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS. Nobody gets it. I am so incredibly unhappy. THE ONE THING I'm actually TRYING to work on is my fucking happiness. It's a little bit hard to focus on wanting to be happy when everything I HAVE to do is what makes me miserable in the first place. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want to work and make money and be happy and do what I want, without the whole get a degree part. Not even quitting school, just figuring out what the FUCK I want to do and actually doing it. Not having school be such a fucking burden and actually WANTING to learn about the things I have to learn about. I WANT TO BE INTERESTED. I WANT TO LIKE WHAT I DO.

I'm so ready for all this shit to be over. I just want someone to listen. I just want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to enjoy it. I didn't think that was too fucking much to expect, but apparently I was wrong.

xoxo DannDann

Hammond

I underestimate how much I love my Hammond friends. I need to hang out with them more. And crowhop.

Oh my fuck. Tonight was awesome. Yes, tonight. I JUST got into my dorm. It's 5:51 AM. I fucking love them. Details later.

xoxo DannDann