And that is the period.

I hate knowing that I've done all I can and that nothing that I could possibly do anymore would help the situation. I wish for so much. I try so hard to make sure he's happy. And I get yelled at and unappreciated, that's what I get.

Today was a perfectly fine disaster. It started at midnight when my best friend still continued to let me slip away. Then Twitter statuses started to get ridiculous. I can't believe he was being so ridiculous. I can't believe I was being so ridiculous, as well. Then I talked to Kaleb for like an hour until about 5 in the morning. The only good thing that happened to me in the very beginning hours of the morning was that song. Then I ended up going to sleep around 6:20 in the morning. I woke up again at about one.

Then Matthew instant messaged me in an attempt to talk about the previous evening of drama. That worked swell. Or not at all. I can't do it anymore. It was three something in the afternoon and I was bawling my eyes out, just as I had done the night before over the exact same thing, except this time the words were harsher. This is what I said to him, "i dont like not knowing what to say around you. i dont like knowing that i have to hold back a lot of what i want to say when i talk to you and you still get aggravated. i dont like that this isnt working. i dont like that i feel like im losing you, or that youre losing me, i guess is more accurate to how i feel. i dont like that i can say that and have it be true. i dont like trying to make things better and having them become worse. i dont like not knowing how to respond. i dont like feeling like i cant be myself around you anymore." And then come to find out he feels like he hasnt been able to be himself around me since Jody's. JODY'S! I had no idea that I, myself, felt this way until about three fucking days ago!

I can't do it anymore. I really can't. Matthew, I'm not trying to mold you into the friend I want you to be. I like that no one else in the world is like you. I love it actually. I didn't like you once you started becoming an asshole and once you started thinking about how insignificant I am to you, but yet you tell me today that you can't afford to lose me. No, you can't afford to lose me. Yet, you say things like "then stop trying. take it for what it is. we're either friends or we aren't." Direct quote. You really can't lose me? Stop trying? How much do you care Matthew, or how much do you not care? I just don't see how this will work. I guess it's hopeless. I guess sometimes you just have to realize when to walk away.

I was right. This is the beginning of the end. Period.

xoxo