We Are Fucking Good

These past three days have given me so many things to think about. I'm supposed to want to spend time with my family, I'm supposed to want to sit down to dinner with them, I'm supposed to ignore my phone when I'm with my relatives. I'm supposed to do a lot of things that I don't do.

All I've wanted to do the past three days is be with my friends...which I did. And there's no way in the entire world that I could've been happier with it...right? I'm scared to talk about the past. It makes me nervous. I don't know if bringing up the old good times is too much and I don't know if bringing up the bad times is allowed. I want to tell people how I'm still really worried that it will all happen again, but I also want to tell people how happy I am that it has come out to be what it is right now.

I am astonished as to how things have changed in the past three months. Going from excellent to horrible to perfect. To perfect, right? I don't understand how my brain can think about so many things at one time, how it can always be overflowing with thoughts and finds a way to still fit more, how it can get so frustrated, how it can keep itself contained. I want to live in the moment, but I can't help but to wonder what happens now, or over break, or in 3 months, or over the summer, or next year, or the year after that... I can't help but wonder how things will change, how people will change, or maybe how people will not change.

As much as a lot of us have changed, a couple of us haven't changed at all, even if I thought they had. I don't know if I should just stop trying completely to figure out a couple of people. I want reassurance, really. Honestly, that's what I want - reassurance and stability. And happiness. I think the first two are the only ones that I can be helped with. The happiness thing is all me. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been happy. Granted, I have been extremely happy with the way relationships have mended themselves (especially as of last night with two people), but I'm just not happy as a person. It's been like this for a while.

Can I be real honest for a second? I'm that person who forgives, but doesn't forget. I will never forget that you said that. You don't even know that I know that you said it. I forgive you now, and I know it's different now, and I know we're good now, and I know you love me. But I know you said it. I never knew it was that bad. I never knew it was bad until it was that bad. I miss you. So much. I love you. I know we;re a lot better and I know you love me because you show it now and you tell me, but I just can't for the life of me understand what I did. I don't know how you could have honestly felt that way about me when we were so inseperably close. I don't know when it started. I don't know how it started. I know where we are and I know that's what matters, but I still think about what you said every day of my life.

However, as unhappy as I may be within myself (having very little to do with anyone else), you all have made me so happy. Please just know that. The fact that you all want to see me more than you did right after I left for school, I think it's funny, and I love it. I love that you all want to see me. And I love that I can turn down my Hammond friends because I have plans with y'all every night I'm here. It's good to know that everything worked out, that I'm worth it for you all. After everything happened, I didn't know who I would be okay with. I was so scared that I would lose all of you and that was not something I wanted at all. I'm so glad that we worked through all of the bullshit, whatever the reasons were. I know it's behind us and I'm so glad that we have all realized how happy we are with each other. At least, that's what I think happened. Haha. I wouldn't rather call anyone else my friends. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you all.

Me - If I say "don't" do you know what I'm referring to?
Kaleb - Yes.
Me - Okay.
Kaleb - Why?
Me - Really?
Kaleb - Seriously, why?
Me - Nevermind, it's whatever.
Kaleb - Because if I said yes, would it make me from the same womb?
Me - Yes...We are fucking good.

xoxo DannDann