I think since this year started, I have found out so much about myself. About what I want, about who I want, about the way I act. I feel like I have discovered way more of myself in a short period of time, well much more than I thought I would. Things have had a weird way of working themselves out. As much as I want to cry about losing two of my closest friends (by my choice completely), I'm so happy without them. That sounds really extreme, but it's incredibly true. Scratch that. It's tremensley true. I hope you got that Sweetea. Haha. Loveit. Anyway, I realized how much happier I am without having to worry about getting blamed for everything with them when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm not really bitter about it or anything, even when I look at their pictures on the wall, I'm okay knowing that we aren't friends anymore and I can just look at those pictures and remember the good times. And yeah the good times we're real good, but all the bullshit and drama wasn't worth it for me. It took a lot for me to walk away knowing I would lose those good times as well as those bad. I'm insanely proud of myself for learning when to walk away. I've been meaning to learn how to do that this past year, and I think I finally got it. I like that.
I was complaining all last week about how people just need to get over themselves. I'm not telling everyone to not fight for what they believe in, and I'm not even saying everyone has to be friends. But I just want people to not be...I don't even know what adjective would fit. If you find the negative, don't hold on to it. Either move past it and keep going or throw it out and be done with it, something I am also coming closer to knowing how to do. Pick your battles. Example: I fought with Ashley for like three days last week for stupid shit. We were both difficult bitches to each other. Friday we blew up at each other and it was really dumb. I was really aggravated. But Friday night, I texted her and apologized. I don't want to fight with people. As much as I had said "Ashley needs to get over herself"...I kind of needed to also. It wasn't worth fighting over. I just want to be friends with people. Even if neither of us did anything wrong, I know she wasn't going to apologize unless I did first. Even if you don't want to initiate an apology, I think you should because otherwise you will stay angry for a long time because all parties invovled are too stubborn to actually fix it. So I just figure...why the fuck not? What do I have to lose?
I want to write more music. I wish I could play so that I could write it easier. I have been feeling so artsy lately. I know how dumb I sound in that last sentence. I have just been taking these really gorgeous pictures of gorgeous things. Yesterday and today, I have at least 80 pictures of the sky. It's so pretty. I have lots of them though, you all must see them. They're gorgeous. Baton Rouge was interesting this weekend...I'm just glad to be back in Hammond again. I missed my room. :]
Storytime: My friend Tim's best friend was this guy named Jamey. He was our age. In September, he got in a drunk driving wreck and flipped his truck 8 times. He passed away that night I think. He was like Tim's brother. Tim helped carry the coffin at Jamey's funeral, which was on Tim's birthday. I know, right? In October, Tim told me that story. We were in Baton Rouge, sitting on Devan and Lane's porch, smoking cigarettes and freezing in the cold. We sat out there for an hour. It made me think of all of my friends. I told him I didn't think I could deal with that. If I was at school and one of my best friends died, I don't know what I would do with myself. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. The good thing is that they always speak so highly of Jamey. I wish I could've met him so badly. I took some really good pictures at the cross that his friends put up for him where the accident was. They always talk about him. About how he was funny and brought everyone together. And how he loved to take pictures and play music. He was the coolest kid on the block...that's what he sounds like. It got me thinking, really thinking. I want to leave a Jamey type of memory for people. I want to be that kid who everyone would remember as "that girl who made me smile" or something awesome like that. I would want people to wish I was there. I want to be a memory. I want to be your memory. I've thought about Jamey almost everyday since Tim told me about him. I cried when we visited his cross. I didn't even know the kid. It's amazing how someone I've never met can have such an impact on me. I really do wish I could've met him. He sounds like someone I would really love.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I'm in the right major. I know that I have the potential to do so many things and I'm just worried that I won't pick the right thing. You know what I would absolutely love to do (and I never thought about this before last semester when I was drunk one night with Kaylen)? I would love to teach. But only high school. I would either want to teach theatre or English. I want to inspire people. I'm real big on the whole leaving a memory, making a difference thing. I really do want to spark an interest in someone and change their lives. I would love that. I just want to help people. I know it sounds silly, but I've always thought that. Ever since I was about nine. Whenever someone would say "I'm put on this earth to be a doctor/fireman/talk show host/therapist" I would always say "I'm put on this earth to help people." I think it's so true. I think my purpose is to help people, to make them happy. I've been trying for as long as I can remember. I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I really do hope so.
I really just felt like writing. This was much longer than I expected it to be. I love writing. It makes me the happiest person in the world. As sad as I have been lately, I've realized how happy I am with my life in general. Getting rid of people I don't need and holding on tighter than ever to the people that are real is exactly what I need. They make me happy. They make me happier than anything on the planet (happier than writing and math lab combined. Watch the fuck out!) could ever make me. If you're one of those people, you should feel pretty damn accomplished. I really like how things are going right now. I really like it.
R.I.P. Jamey
xoxo DannDann
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