I'm afraid.

As much as you want to tell yourself that it won't get harder as time goes on...it does.

Everything changes, everyone changes. You think it's as bad as it could be and some of the time it gets better, and some of the time it gets worse. Duh. Lately, things have just been getting worse. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and then you find yourself texting those same people that you can't let go of, that you dont know how to let go of, the very next day. Just when you think you aren't aggravated, someone does one little thing and you realize that you never stopped being aggravated.

Everyone moves on whether or not you do, too. I find myself sitting here devastated that I'm losing people I love and that there is nothing I can do about it. Some people I have given up on as much as I believe I possibly can. Some people are just a lost cause. Some people just fuck you over again and again and again. It's hard to give up on people when everyone is friends with each other. It's hard to be friends with someone who is best friends with the person you are trying to give up on. It's hard to give up on someone when they think nothing is wrong. It's really hard to make myself believe that things won't up the way they did before. It's hard for me to not doubt everything.

I hate how much I secondguess things. But I hate even more that I have to secondguess them. I want to find people who I can trust. Absolutely legitimately trust. It's hard for me to open up to people when I know that most of the time we will end up not being friends and that I will have wasted all of what I had on those people. You want me to be real? Here's real: I'm afraid to get hurt. Always have been. I'm afraid to trust people. I'm afraid to tell people how I really feel. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm afraid that you will leave me just like you left everyone else. I'm afraid you will find something better, if you haven't already. I'm afraid you will forget me. I'm afraid of forming a friendship that will turn into one big lie. I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of giving up. I'm afraid that you will turn out just like everyone else. I'm afraid to be myself around you. I'm afraid to give my opinion. I'm afraid of what you could do to me. I'm just afraid.

As much as I love being close to people, I hate it. I hate it because it always comes down to a bunch of unanswered questions, a bunch of "I don't know" and "maybe" and "I forgot" and "you're overreacting" and "I'm over it", a bunch of confusion, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of tears. A bunch of memories that will be thrown away and a bunch of people who will walk away. I don't know what categories to put people in anymore. I don't even know what categories I have anymore. I don't know what to be afraid of. What am I to you as a friend and do you let me know it? Because I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I called Hammond "home" yesterday.

xoxo DannDann