If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten...

"You see...it's funny because..."

This past week has been full of ups and full of downs. Let's start with therapy. I was supposed to have therapy on Tuesday, but instead, I had it on Wednesday. I went to Hammond and it made me a lot happier to be there than I thought it would. I miss being up there so much. I'm really ready to go back. As weird as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. Well I spent two hours in therapy, instead of the usual one hour. Rashunda told me that her last day was going to be on Thursday. I cried. She gets me so well. She's the only person I have let myself be 100% honest with besides Olivia. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but she has definitely helped me learn a lot about myself and my life and how I deal with things. I really learned a whole hell of a lot from her. So I'm getting a new therapist a week from Monday. She's got some fucking huge shoes to fill. But ever since I had my last session with Rashunda, I've been thinking about everything that I talked about with her.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually starting to care about myself. I never really did that nearly as much as I should have. I'm really tired of there always being some sort of drama within the circle. Granted, there is drama that I partake in, but I really am trying to remove myself from that. I'm here as a friend and I will listen to you whenever you need me to; however, if we are all together somewhere and having a good time, please do not ruin it with your bullshit. I don't like that. That is the only time I don't deal with shit, is when I'm trying to have a good time with everyone. That's understandable, you know? But, really, I just want everyone to drop their bullshit and to not be fake. If you have a problem with me, call me and tell me. Don't act like my friend or like you have my best interests at heart and then turn around and talk shit about me or whatever. It's not okay with me. If you're one of those people, I'm sure you could give a shit less whether it's okay with me or not...but still...it's just stupid. If you're going to be a bitch, be a bitch, but just be fucking real. Don't be a half-assed bitch. Whatever side you choose, stick to it. I'm not asking you to like me, I'm just asking you to be real with me.

Anyway...I got a new job. I work at The Body Shop in Esplanade Mall. No, not The Body Shop that sells soap and shit, but The Body Shop that sells clothing and accessories. It's similar to Forever 21 stuff and everything's really cute. I like working there. I've never had my feet hurt so much in my life though. I had a 9 and a half hour shift today. I only sat maybe twice and in thirty second intervals. It's exhausting but it keeps me busy. I need to get more into the real world. Not that I don't love the theatre world (double negative), because I do love the theatre world (that's better). But I feel like part of getting out of high school and having started college and actually having a legit job are all part of growing up and moving forward in life. Sometimes I think my surroundings keep me held back. I feel like I'm stuck in high school the majority of the time, and not the good parts. I loved that about Hammond and being with everyone there. We could go out and just play pool and drink a beer and make fetus jokes and have a good time and no gossip. I enjoy gossip as much as you do, but it's nice to not have bullshit to talk about every once in a while.

I have realized within the past couple of weeks that I need to think about what (or moreso who) is important to me. I overexert myself constantly by trying to make everyone happy or by trying to be everyones' friend. I need to figure out who is here for me, who I know is here for me, and put my effort into my relationships with those people. And fuck the rest. Well, not "fuck the rest" but just don't worry about everything so much. I'm going to fucking worry myself to death if I don't sort out what's important from what's not. I think I will grow a lot this summer. I have grown a lot in this past year, mostly with how I view and deal with things/people (...Jody, that slash was for you). I know I always say "yada yada yada I have changed a lot in a year blah blah blah" but I really have. I know I have.

Update over time that I have yet to blog about: Cameron. As most of you know, Cam and I had a horrible bloodbath of a fight over Christmas break and we didn't talk for about four months. We saw each other the day after he came home for summer and we talked everything out. He is undoubtedly one of my best friends and I'm so glad that I put him back in my life. He's a part of the glue bottle. It's one of those things that no one gets except for the person being mentioned. Second update: college. My first year of college went well. Not smoothly, because my grades were way lower than what I had wanted, but it went well. I'm rooming with Ashley next year and I'm crazy excited about that!!! I miss Ashley and Olivia a lot. Especially our drunken nights at Olivia's apartment. Olivia is going to LSU next year. It makes me sad, but I genuinely hope she will love it there. If not, she better come back to SELU. Phahaha. But seriously... Third update: family. My dad and I are fine, as always. Me and Michelle have been good for a while now and I really like it. My mom and I were really bad. I would cry a lot because of my mom over the past two weeks. Ever since I told her how upset I was because Rashunda was leaving, her and I have been getting along better. I think mostly because of something me and Rashunda talked about. But I think if my mom gives me a bit more freedom, I will exercise more control and not ALWAYS be out of the house. I hope it goes well for the rest of the summer.

The O'Flanigan wedding is Wednesday at Bryce's. I'm very excited. I hope lots of people come!!! I have so much to write about, but I feel like this blog is already crazy long, so I will just write more later. I haven't had a big blog in a while. So this was what I needed, I think. "No, you are mistaken. IIIIIII HATE IT..." Thank you, Bryce, I love you.

xoxo DannDann

Breakaway

You know what I hate? When you're supposed to be happy, but you're clearly not. Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't need constant conversation. I shouldn't secondguess you. I shouldn't wonder if you've found something else... something... better...

I just want to go. Right now. I want to get in my car and just drive down to KBL and get out of my car and sit by the rocks and smoke a cigarette in the rain and watch the water splash against the rocks as if they were just as frustrated as I am. I don't want to worry all of the time, all of the fucking time, about everything but myself. I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm not supposed to cry for an hour because of a song and a thought. It's what I said would make me happy, so why am I not happy? Why do I tell myself things when I know I don't mean them, or why do I believe them at least?

I wish I could be completely honest. Completely. There's so much you know about me, but there are so many things that I keep that you would never know. Honest? You think that I think differently than what I actually think. And it's not like I told you that I thought the way you thought I did. You told me you thought that I thought it. I just didn't have the heart to disagree. I don't think I will anytime soon. It gets harder. I just wish it could get easier.

I don't even get why it's so difficult in the first place. That's a lie. There's just so much that I don't say. For being open and saying how I feel, there sure is a hell of a lot that I don't tell anyone. I'm always thinking something. Always. And sometimes I forget how well people know me. Most of the time when people can tell something's wrong. OH MY GOD. TIMING. Sidebar - I used to be best best best friends with this kid Eric and he just messaged me as I am sobbing, writing this blog, and says "I misseth you". I haven't heard from him in probably 8 or 9 months. Some people have the best timing. Some people know exactly what to say. Fuck, I miss him so much. I want to see him soon. I want to hang out with him again. I want to talk to him again. Frequently. He gets me. One of the few that do. I love him. So much.

Anyway, I don't know what I need right now. I need to be happier than I am, because I deserve it. I need to find the balls to tell you how I really feel, but I know I won't. I need to decide if my heart can handle it or if it even still is. How is it possible to not know who you love? Everything keeps getting more and more complicated and I don't like that. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need space. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I need.

xoxo DannDann

I hate when speak too soon.
I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

I don't do sadness

Am I over it or am I just distracted? A big part of me thinks I'm slowly but surely getting over it. But then again, just when I'm sure I'm moving on, something happens and I know I'm not as over it as I thought I was. If only it were that easy. It's hard to move on. It's really hard. But I think I'm doing it. I hope so. I'm definitely distracted and I definitely like it. But I don't know if I like it more than I reasonably should. I like it because it keeps me from thinking about the original thing, but is that the only reason I like it - because it's new, because it's a distraction - or do I like it for what it is? I think I like it for itself and not for the sole fact that it's a distraction.

I feel more comfortable with my friends than I ever have. I am so incredibly happy with that. I'm trying really hard to build all of my bridges that had been burnt. I hope the people on the other side of the bridge want to try equally as hard. Just taking it one day at a time. As this semester is about to end, it's so silly to think about how much I have grown and how much my relationships have grown. People who I didn't even know, that I now can't really live without - it's just so insane. In January, everything was ridiculously different. In August...I can't even put into words the changes that have occurred. That is far too much.

I'm glad I am where I'm at with everyone right before summer. I wouldn't rather spend my time with other people. I feel like I have so much that I want to write, but I don't know how to write any of it. I'm scared of a lot of things that I never realized I was scared of until these past couple of weeks. I'm really scared of being replaced. I realized that more than ever within this past month. I'm scared of being wrong. That sounds stupid. I realized that today. I'm scared of failure. That sounds stupid, too. I think about how I'm scared of that whenever I think about school. Not saying I'm going to fail out of school, I'm just worried about always having to work so hard and not always getting the grades I wish I had. I'm afraid of telling people how I feel - with absolutely no bullshit. Not that I lie to people when they ask my opinion, but there is so much that I hold back on. And you'll never be able to tell when I'm doing it, because how do you know there's more to the story? (Thanks, Fiona.) You don't. I want to try to work on that. But I don't know if I will. Well I guess I got out a lot of what I wanted to say within this paragraph. I just need to think about a bunch of things. But think in a good way.

I was "thinking" last week for the first time in about a month. I hated it. I hope I don't "think" this week. I really hope I don't.

Awful sweet to be a little butterfly, just winging over things and nothing deep inside. Nothing going, going wild in you, you know. You're slowing by the riverside or floating high and blue. Or may be cool to be a little summer wind, like once through everything and then away again with the taste of dust in your mouth all day but no need to know - like sadness you just sail away, cause you know I don't do sadness, not even a little bit. Just don't need in my life. Don't want any part of it. I don't do sadness. Hey, I've done my time looking back on it all, then it blows my mind. I don't do sadness, so been there. Don't do sadness. Just don't care.

xoxo DannDann