Breakaway

You know what I hate? When you're supposed to be happy, but you're clearly not. Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't need constant conversation. I shouldn't secondguess you. I shouldn't wonder if you've found something else... something... better...

I just want to go. Right now. I want to get in my car and just drive down to KBL and get out of my car and sit by the rocks and smoke a cigarette in the rain and watch the water splash against the rocks as if they were just as frustrated as I am. I don't want to worry all of the time, all of the fucking time, about everything but myself. I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm not supposed to cry for an hour because of a song and a thought. It's what I said would make me happy, so why am I not happy? Why do I tell myself things when I know I don't mean them, or why do I believe them at least?

I wish I could be completely honest. Completely. There's so much you know about me, but there are so many things that I keep that you would never know. Honest? You think that I think differently than what I actually think. And it's not like I told you that I thought the way you thought I did. You told me you thought that I thought it. I just didn't have the heart to disagree. I don't think I will anytime soon. It gets harder. I just wish it could get easier.

I don't even get why it's so difficult in the first place. That's a lie. There's just so much that I don't say. For being open and saying how I feel, there sure is a hell of a lot that I don't tell anyone. I'm always thinking something. Always. And sometimes I forget how well people know me. Most of the time when people can tell something's wrong. OH MY GOD. TIMING. Sidebar - I used to be best best best friends with this kid Eric and he just messaged me as I am sobbing, writing this blog, and says "I misseth you". I haven't heard from him in probably 8 or 9 months. Some people have the best timing. Some people know exactly what to say. Fuck, I miss him so much. I want to see him soon. I want to hang out with him again. I want to talk to him again. Frequently. He gets me. One of the few that do. I love him. So much.

Anyway, I don't know what I need right now. I need to be happier than I am, because I deserve it. I need to find the balls to tell you how I really feel, but I know I won't. I need to decide if my heart can handle it or if it even still is. How is it possible to not know who you love? Everything keeps getting more and more complicated and I don't like that. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need space. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I need.

xoxo DannDann