Do you want to?

You know what's dumb? I'm afraid to be fearless. When people establish or acknowledge their fears, they build a wall to try and protect themselves from it. I can't imagine what it would be like to be fearless, because, to me, in essence, being fearless is being vulnerable. I have become too broken to even think about how shattered I would be if I wasn't afraid of being hurt.

I've been thinking about high school a lot today. I got myself to where I am today. I make sure I know at least 80% of the people in room and I make sure I'm not afraid to talk to people that I don't know or that I don't know well. But I still question everything and everyone because of who I was in high school. People made fun of me. A lot. Stupid people. People that shouldn't and don't matter. I'm not going to say I was friends with everyone, but I knew everyone. I like to always know someone whether or not they like me. To question the genuity of every single person you've met for five years takes its toll. It makes me wonder who will be there today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. Ever wonder why I'm so socially dependent? Because I can't trust myself to trust people and believe that they will be there, because there is a huge as hell chance that they won't be. It's a personal problem. But it's a problem nonetheless.

People don't understand what it's like to not be able to trust anyone but one person. When I tell you I trust you I mean it, but I only mean it as much as I can. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to anyone. But you can't understand it. Ever wonder why I always ask people if they are mad at me? Because I can't trust their first answer of "no" because it's usually a lie. Ever wonder why I always have to keep in touch with everyone? Because I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared to be lost by someone I need, someone who doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about them.

Everytime someone stops believing in fairies, a fairy dies, right? So what happens when people stop believing in people? The people don't die. So what happens? Something dies. Trust. Love. Stability. Communication. Strength. Something dies. I feel like a lot of pieces of me are dying, little by little, and I can't do anything to control it. I need to be reassured that I exist. Not just that you love me or that you miss me or that you care about me, but that you want to. What good is doing something if you don't want to do it? Especially when it involves someone more than yourself. It's not like homework. Because at the end of the day, you're homework won't give a fuck if you're not committed to it like you say you will be. I will care. I'm not homework. I'm not an algebra problem. I'm not a paper on a scenic designer. I'm not flashcards on microbiology. I'm not memorization of the ammendments. I'm a person. I'm Dani. I feel and I love and I hurt and I laugh and I cry and I feel sorry for myself sometimes. Just like you. I just feel like a lot of people forget that I'm just like them. That a little bit of somebody is like a little bit of everybody else.

We're all human. We all want to be loved. We all want someone to want to love us and to want us to know it. We all want to be happy. And sometimes we don't know how to do that and we need someone to help us figure it out. But nobody helps. Because nobody wants to. Do you want to?

xoxo DannDann