Me vs You

I know that everything I want to write tonight will end up offending someone. So I'm not writing it. And I hate that. This is my fucking blog. When did I become so concerned with not telling the truth in order to make other people happy? Why is it coming back? Why am I so afraid to lose people? If I say what I feel, you will lose respect for me, you will treat me differently. You already are. And then I will lose you. And I don't want that. I'm relapsing. I know I'm relapsing. And it's terrifying. I've never been as scared of something as I am of being who I used to be.

It's so frustrating to come such a long fucking way. To know what it feels like to be happy. To rely on nothing but yourself and to love that. To say how you feel and never apologize for it. And now... I've turned myself upside down. And why? For you.

Not for me.

I automatically feel like I have to distance myself from you. And I also instantly realize that I care about this situation a lot more than I thought I did. I thought I was okay with it. I was wrong. Correction, I was wrong about you. But, you were wrong about yourself, too. You're different. You're very different. I pick up on so many little things that people do that it is nearly impossible for me to not notice your differences.

I have a theory that people aren't happy. Society, as a whole, is miserable. But everyone is so fucking prideful and oblivious and afraid to admit to themselves that they have problems, so they never realize it. Vices. You do it because it's fun or relaxing or it makes everything pretty. Shut up. You should be your only vice. You should be the only thing you need to make yourself feel better or calm down or chill the fuck out or be happier. Something's wrong. And you won't tell me. And you don't even know it, yourself. You're a runner. I could never tell you that. You're running so fast. And you're shutting me out. And I see it. And you don't. And it kills me. But I can't fucking help you because you don't want to be helped, you don't know you need to be helped.

And you see what I just did? I put me helping you before me helping myself. I need to help myself. If you have a problem that you don't want to face and if you want to run for the rest of your fucking life and if you want to shut me out, fine. Fucking go ahead. Not ONCE have I acted like I'm not your fucking friend or like I won't always be there. Not once have I acted like a fucking idiot, so don't talk to me like I am. Do NOT put yourself above me. Do NOT act like I'm just some random fucking person. Act like I matter. Act like I'm important. Because I fucking am. I am a goddamn fantastic person and a great friend and for YOU to put your ignorance and your fucking stubbornness ahead of that - fuck you. You will NOT treat me like her. You will NOT talk to me like it's a fucking chore. And you will most certainly NOT tell me something without meaning it. I'm not asking you to fucking marry me. I'm asking you to tell me hello. I'm asking you to not throw it away. I'm asking you to realize that you have so fucking much to learn. And I'm telling you to not get ahead of yourself.

And I'm asking myself to stick up for what I feel. And I'm trying to. But it's so damn hard. I fucking hate getting to know people. I know that sounds so stupid. But I hate caring about people because it makes sticking up for yourself so difficult because you don't want to lose them. I'm not fucking sucking you in, dude. I'm just fucking saying that I love you. I'm just saying that I love myself enough to be myself. I'm just saying that I love you enough to hurt your feelings by being honest. And I'm just asking you to not put me in a position where I can't do that. Stop pushing me away. Stop running. You're not getting anywhere. And if you keep pulling this shit, you never will.

xoxo DannDann

Someone will.

Standing on your own is a lot harder than you think it would be. You always have to try. You can't ever stop.

In order to be happy, you have to make a conscious effort to do so every single day. Just like recovering from an addiction, depression will creep back into your life the very second you stop trying to fight it. Then the question is raised - is the lifelong fight worth it? For me, the answer is yes. You can't just stop trying. You can't just fucking give up. Because if you do give up, you're fucked. There's no nice or simple way to put it. "Because then you'll dissapoint yourself" or "because then you let yourself down"... no... because then YOU ARE FUCKED.

If you let something beat you because YOU stopped fighting, then you deserved to lose. You can't be a charity case. Everyone has problems. Everyone has addictions (whether chemical or not). Everyone has issues. You make YOURSELF a charity case. And that is so fucking pointless. Stop complaining. Hypocrital, yes, for I, myself, am complaining. Tonight I told someone "Stop whining" and their response was "I'm good at it." Now, you see, I know this was a joke. But thinking about it, there are a lot of people who say that and are serious. What a horrible thing to be good at. Get a fucking hobby. Jesus.

People bother me because they worry about so much stupid shit. Having lost a good friend in the past week, it makes me realize how unimportant so many things are. Because honestly, not being 100% off book for my show on the first night of off book or thinking that someone doesn't like me or the fact that I slept through my first class or always just being the friend or wanting to smoke or being out of cigarettes - none of it fucking matters. I'm alive. I always used to say that my friends were my #1 priority. Then next it was school. Then finally it was myself. People need to stop being so fucking concerned with all of this shit. All of this temporary bullshit. Because you're #1 priority should be yourself or to live. Because until you die, all you have is yourself and your life. Don't spend your time doing anything but living. Don't fucking worry about things that won't matter within the next 7 days because you might fucking die tomorrow. Because whether or not YOU die tomorrow, someone will. Someone will never get to graduate college. Someone will never get to have a family. Someone will never get to live for themselves. So you should. Live for you while you can. Keep fighting while you can.



Because the second you stop fighting, you're putting yourself in your own grave. You're making yourself miserable. You can do something about it. So fucking do it. Try. Care. Fucking love yourself. And let people love you. Because you never fucking know when you won't be able to anymore.

RIP Jordan Gugliuzza

xoxo DannDann