And by hangout all summer...you mean I can drown you in my one foot pool...

I'm listening to my music on shuffle and I'm going to write what songs play while they play. First...Be a Man - Mulan. I love that song. That brings me to my first point of this blog. I have lots of "boys" in regards to the select few I care about. You all know who you are. Some people THOUGHT they were part of that, but they were highly mistaken. I'm very proud of my boys lately though. They are all doing what's best for them. And I love them all to death. Everyone's grown up so much since last summer and I'm glad that I've been here for all of it.

Summer update... I have a new job now. I quit Body Shop for various reasons and now I work at Torrid. Torrid is a plus size store in the mall. Everything there is super amazing. You all should visit me one day. I bought a whole bunch of shit today. I bought 8 things for 47 dollars. I was very proud of my bargain hunting, even though I already knew what was on sale because I work there. Then I went to Hot Topic and bought the heels I had told everyone about. (Jenny Says - Cowboy Mouth) They're like snow leopard print, except where the white background would be is rainbow. RAINBOW! I love it. They're so cute. And I get my discount at Hot Topic, too, since it's an all around good time. I fucking love this song.

Continuing... I'm glad it's almost July. The rest of June went by pretty quickly. I'm excited to get back to school and I want the summer to hurry up, but at the same time, I don't want it to pass TOO quickly, you know? I want to read the 6th Harry Potter book before the movie comes out. I haven't read Harry Potter in years. The last one I read was the 5th one. I already know everything that happens in the 6th and 7th ones, but I wanna read them still. I hope I do. I really like reading things like that. I also want to read the two books that follow Rainbow Boys. I know one of them is Rainbow High and I forgot what the other one is called. (God Is A DJ - Pink) I don't seem like the type of person who would read in their spare time, but when I say Harry Potter and Rainbow Boys, no one is surprised. Haha. It's silly.

You know what else is silly? Renee and Jesse came over to my house last night at like 11:45 and we watched the first two episodes of Buffy. Haha. I never thought I would watch Buffy. But it's really pretty interesting. We have 20 quotes from the first 2 episodes. I wrote them down, because I didn't want to tweet all of them. So I tweeted the first one. And then it became HILARIOUS. It was a lot of fun. It's a really interesting show. You should all watch it one time. I don't think I've written about bleaching my hair or getting married. Maybe I did. Well, my husband and I bleached our hair. I love Bryce. So much. He makes me insanely happy.

You know what else makes me insanely happy? For the first time in a while, there is no relationship type drama in the circle. I think everyone is significantly happy with where they are and they don't NEED anyone else but who they already have. I really like that. I'm really proud of you for everything. You know what I mean. (Do It To It - Cherish) I really love you and I really love all my boys, the ones that actually ARE my boys. PS - If anyone wants to say shit about me, say it to my face. Don't complain about how you THINK I feel to someone else when you have NO fucking idea what the hell you're talking about. Nimrod. HA!

I have more to write about but I don't feel like writing anymore, I just haven't updated in a while. Well, all for now...I will continue this later. Thank you for reading, comrades.

xoxo DannDann

I want to be back at school. Everything just made so much more sense there. I wasn't nearly as confused there as I am here. I just want to be back there with Ashley and be busy all the time and do things the way that I want to do them. Sometimes, and by sometimes I mean ALL THE TIME, I just want to get away from things. I want to keep myself occupied. I just want to have classes and be back in Hammond. I miss it. That was my life the way I wanted it to be and now I just don't even know what I want. It's too complicated and I don't like it at all. I'm just kind of ready for the summer to be over. Is that stupid? Is this stupid? I'm just ready to go back. For a while...

xoxo DannDann

If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten...

"You see...it's funny because..."

This past week has been full of ups and full of downs. Let's start with therapy. I was supposed to have therapy on Tuesday, but instead, I had it on Wednesday. I went to Hammond and it made me a lot happier to be there than I thought it would. I miss being up there so much. I'm really ready to go back. As weird as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. Well I spent two hours in therapy, instead of the usual one hour. Rashunda told me that her last day was going to be on Thursday. I cried. She gets me so well. She's the only person I have let myself be 100% honest with besides Olivia. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but she has definitely helped me learn a lot about myself and my life and how I deal with things. I really learned a whole hell of a lot from her. So I'm getting a new therapist a week from Monday. She's got some fucking huge shoes to fill. But ever since I had my last session with Rashunda, I've been thinking about everything that I talked about with her.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually starting to care about myself. I never really did that nearly as much as I should have. I'm really tired of there always being some sort of drama within the circle. Granted, there is drama that I partake in, but I really am trying to remove myself from that. I'm here as a friend and I will listen to you whenever you need me to; however, if we are all together somewhere and having a good time, please do not ruin it with your bullshit. I don't like that. That is the only time I don't deal with shit, is when I'm trying to have a good time with everyone. That's understandable, you know? But, really, I just want everyone to drop their bullshit and to not be fake. If you have a problem with me, call me and tell me. Don't act like my friend or like you have my best interests at heart and then turn around and talk shit about me or whatever. It's not okay with me. If you're one of those people, I'm sure you could give a shit less whether it's okay with me or not...but still...it's just stupid. If you're going to be a bitch, be a bitch, but just be fucking real. Don't be a half-assed bitch. Whatever side you choose, stick to it. I'm not asking you to like me, I'm just asking you to be real with me.

Anyway...I got a new job. I work at The Body Shop in Esplanade Mall. No, not The Body Shop that sells soap and shit, but The Body Shop that sells clothing and accessories. It's similar to Forever 21 stuff and everything's really cute. I like working there. I've never had my feet hurt so much in my life though. I had a 9 and a half hour shift today. I only sat maybe twice and in thirty second intervals. It's exhausting but it keeps me busy. I need to get more into the real world. Not that I don't love the theatre world (double negative), because I do love the theatre world (that's better). But I feel like part of getting out of high school and having started college and actually having a legit job are all part of growing up and moving forward in life. Sometimes I think my surroundings keep me held back. I feel like I'm stuck in high school the majority of the time, and not the good parts. I loved that about Hammond and being with everyone there. We could go out and just play pool and drink a beer and make fetus jokes and have a good time and no gossip. I enjoy gossip as much as you do, but it's nice to not have bullshit to talk about every once in a while.

I have realized within the past couple of weeks that I need to think about what (or moreso who) is important to me. I overexert myself constantly by trying to make everyone happy or by trying to be everyones' friend. I need to figure out who is here for me, who I know is here for me, and put my effort into my relationships with those people. And fuck the rest. Well, not "fuck the rest" but just don't worry about everything so much. I'm going to fucking worry myself to death if I don't sort out what's important from what's not. I think I will grow a lot this summer. I have grown a lot in this past year, mostly with how I view and deal with things/people (...Jody, that slash was for you). I know I always say "yada yada yada I have changed a lot in a year blah blah blah" but I really have. I know I have.

Update over time that I have yet to blog about: Cameron. As most of you know, Cam and I had a horrible bloodbath of a fight over Christmas break and we didn't talk for about four months. We saw each other the day after he came home for summer and we talked everything out. He is undoubtedly one of my best friends and I'm so glad that I put him back in my life. He's a part of the glue bottle. It's one of those things that no one gets except for the person being mentioned. Second update: college. My first year of college went well. Not smoothly, because my grades were way lower than what I had wanted, but it went well. I'm rooming with Ashley next year and I'm crazy excited about that!!! I miss Ashley and Olivia a lot. Especially our drunken nights at Olivia's apartment. Olivia is going to LSU next year. It makes me sad, but I genuinely hope she will love it there. If not, she better come back to SELU. Phahaha. But seriously... Third update: family. My dad and I are fine, as always. Me and Michelle have been good for a while now and I really like it. My mom and I were really bad. I would cry a lot because of my mom over the past two weeks. Ever since I told her how upset I was because Rashunda was leaving, her and I have been getting along better. I think mostly because of something me and Rashunda talked about. But I think if my mom gives me a bit more freedom, I will exercise more control and not ALWAYS be out of the house. I hope it goes well for the rest of the summer.

The O'Flanigan wedding is Wednesday at Bryce's. I'm very excited. I hope lots of people come!!! I have so much to write about, but I feel like this blog is already crazy long, so I will just write more later. I haven't had a big blog in a while. So this was what I needed, I think. "No, you are mistaken. IIIIIII HATE IT..." Thank you, Bryce, I love you.

xoxo DannDann

Breakaway

You know what I hate? When you're supposed to be happy, but you're clearly not. Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't need constant conversation. I shouldn't secondguess you. I shouldn't wonder if you've found something else... something... better...

I just want to go. Right now. I want to get in my car and just drive down to KBL and get out of my car and sit by the rocks and smoke a cigarette in the rain and watch the water splash against the rocks as if they were just as frustrated as I am. I don't want to worry all of the time, all of the fucking time, about everything but myself. I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm not supposed to cry for an hour because of a song and a thought. It's what I said would make me happy, so why am I not happy? Why do I tell myself things when I know I don't mean them, or why do I believe them at least?

I wish I could be completely honest. Completely. There's so much you know about me, but there are so many things that I keep that you would never know. Honest? You think that I think differently than what I actually think. And it's not like I told you that I thought the way you thought I did. You told me you thought that I thought it. I just didn't have the heart to disagree. I don't think I will anytime soon. It gets harder. I just wish it could get easier.

I don't even get why it's so difficult in the first place. That's a lie. There's just so much that I don't say. For being open and saying how I feel, there sure is a hell of a lot that I don't tell anyone. I'm always thinking something. Always. And sometimes I forget how well people know me. Most of the time when people can tell something's wrong. OH MY GOD. TIMING. Sidebar - I used to be best best best friends with this kid Eric and he just messaged me as I am sobbing, writing this blog, and says "I misseth you". I haven't heard from him in probably 8 or 9 months. Some people have the best timing. Some people know exactly what to say. Fuck, I miss him so much. I want to see him soon. I want to hang out with him again. I want to talk to him again. Frequently. He gets me. One of the few that do. I love him. So much.

Anyway, I don't know what I need right now. I need to be happier than I am, because I deserve it. I need to find the balls to tell you how I really feel, but I know I won't. I need to decide if my heart can handle it or if it even still is. How is it possible to not know who you love? Everything keeps getting more and more complicated and I don't like that. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need space. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I need.

xoxo DannDann

I hate when speak too soon.
I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

I don't do sadness

Am I over it or am I just distracted? A big part of me thinks I'm slowly but surely getting over it. But then again, just when I'm sure I'm moving on, something happens and I know I'm not as over it as I thought I was. If only it were that easy. It's hard to move on. It's really hard. But I think I'm doing it. I hope so. I'm definitely distracted and I definitely like it. But I don't know if I like it more than I reasonably should. I like it because it keeps me from thinking about the original thing, but is that the only reason I like it - because it's new, because it's a distraction - or do I like it for what it is? I think I like it for itself and not for the sole fact that it's a distraction.

I feel more comfortable with my friends than I ever have. I am so incredibly happy with that. I'm trying really hard to build all of my bridges that had been burnt. I hope the people on the other side of the bridge want to try equally as hard. Just taking it one day at a time. As this semester is about to end, it's so silly to think about how much I have grown and how much my relationships have grown. People who I didn't even know, that I now can't really live without - it's just so insane. In January, everything was ridiculously different. In August...I can't even put into words the changes that have occurred. That is far too much.

I'm glad I am where I'm at with everyone right before summer. I wouldn't rather spend my time with other people. I feel like I have so much that I want to write, but I don't know how to write any of it. I'm scared of a lot of things that I never realized I was scared of until these past couple of weeks. I'm really scared of being replaced. I realized that more than ever within this past month. I'm scared of being wrong. That sounds stupid. I realized that today. I'm scared of failure. That sounds stupid, too. I think about how I'm scared of that whenever I think about school. Not saying I'm going to fail out of school, I'm just worried about always having to work so hard and not always getting the grades I wish I had. I'm afraid of telling people how I feel - with absolutely no bullshit. Not that I lie to people when they ask my opinion, but there is so much that I hold back on. And you'll never be able to tell when I'm doing it, because how do you know there's more to the story? (Thanks, Fiona.) You don't. I want to try to work on that. But I don't know if I will. Well I guess I got out a lot of what I wanted to say within this paragraph. I just need to think about a bunch of things. But think in a good way.

I was "thinking" last week for the first time in about a month. I hated it. I hope I don't "think" this week. I really hope I don't.

Awful sweet to be a little butterfly, just winging over things and nothing deep inside. Nothing going, going wild in you, you know. You're slowing by the riverside or floating high and blue. Or may be cool to be a little summer wind, like once through everything and then away again with the taste of dust in your mouth all day but no need to know - like sadness you just sail away, cause you know I don't do sadness, not even a little bit. Just don't need in my life. Don't want any part of it. I don't do sadness. Hey, I've done my time looking back on it all, then it blows my mind. I don't do sadness, so been there. Don't do sadness. Just don't care.

xoxo DannDann

Totally fucked, will they mess you up? Well you know they're gonna try.

So I was supposed to leave Hammond an hour ago. Normally I wouldn't have any problem with the fact that I haven't left yet, but this week has been catastrophically horrible. I won't be home until about 4:30. And within two hours I have to wash, dye, dry, and straighten my hair. Then go see Smokey Joe's Cafe. Then come home and clean the house for money. Then figure out how the fuck Saturday night is going to work. I really do hope it works out. I need to be home, not just because of time restrictions, but because this week (although it had flown by) has been a bitch. I have only been to three classes this week. I still have a paper and a half to do and I missed a Biology exam. The last week of school is when the Biology makeups are. I have to make up two exams and about three quizzes. That will suck. I will just lock myself in my room that whole week and study.

I'm stressing like crazy about school. A lot has changed in the past three weeks and I haven't really talked about it. I don't really plan on it right now, so sorry if I just gave you false optimism. I went to therapy today and I talked the entire time, just telling her about all of the shit that went down over Spring Break and how I genuinely and completely honestly feel about it. I know I can be honest with my best friends, but I feel like I can't be 100% honest about absolutely EVERYTHING to anyone but Rashunda (my therapist) and Olivia. It's strange how it works. It was relieving to talk to her today though and to just get everything out all at once. I needed that. I really can't wait to get home though and see people. It refuels me.

I took down everything from my walls. They're completely empty - including the sticky tack. The song I've been stuck on all week is Totally Fucked from Spring Awakening. I like what I know of the show, but I know very little of it. I want to learn the show over the summer or at least soon. I hope everything starts working out as the school year comes to an end. I just wish I had the motivation I needed to keep positive.

xoxo DannDann