The goal has been set.

So sometime within the next week I am going to have a real blog. One of my many personal goals for this semester is to start blogging again frequently. Maybe it will be every other day during my break between classes. Maybe more. Maybe less. Maybe all the time. Maybe never. But I want to try. The goal has been set.

Update on the beginning of my sophomore year. I missed school a lot. I'm sitting here and the only reason I'm blogging is because I have ten minutes to kill before my next class and I'm waiting for everyone else to finish printing their shit so I can print my Biology syllabus. I just looked and the line is gone. I'm going to the printer now. Hold on.

I'm back. My syllabus is now stapled and hole punched. Nice and neat like it should be =] Anyway... so I've been to 4 of my 5 classes. I realized that I like to spell out numbers instead of using the number... so I've been to four of my five classes. They're all pretty good so far. English - my teacher is quirky. His daughter was a purple butterfly. Shoutout to class of 2008! I like him. Poli Sci - my teacher is kind of an asshole, but he is extremely opinionated. He is a lawyer. I am going to LOVE this class. Theatre - I love. Period. Math - I like math, but I think I am going to hate this course. I don't really like my teacher. He is very by the book. He's kind of boring. I will get over it. I haven't had Biology yet, so I can't really tell you how I feel about it yet. I'm sure I will be fine.

I think I'm going to audition for the play. Midsummer Night's Dream. Auditions tonight at 5. I think I will go. I get extra credit for auditioning. So I feel like it's a win-win, even if I don't get in the show. I'm really tired. I wish I would've had time to nap before class. I guess I will just nap after. It depends on the timing of the rest of the night as to whether or not I get my desired nap. Well, I guess I should head to class. It starts in ten minutes. I miss blogging like this. Definitely going to do more of it now.

xoxo DannDann

Timeline.

I have twenty days left of the summer. Scary.

xoxo DannDann

Okay.

So just to throw this out there before I begin...this is my 101st blog. *pats self on back*. In a year, this blog has helped me realize a lot of things... a lot of who I am, a lot about how I really TRULY feel about people, and a lot about my word choice. I really love to blog and I really thank everyone who reads these things. It helps me get lots of things, as I'm sure you know, and I feel like it's one of the few ways I can really say what I'm thinking. So thank you, blog, for being and outlet that I know I can rely on. =]

Now onto the good stuff. I went out a week ago with a couple of my friends. First time I had been to Dyke Night at The Pub in a really long time. I saw a bunch of people that I know. Chrysti, Ellen, Lauren, Maddie, ERIC, and JOBI! I went with Matt, Alex, and Kaleb. God, I love my boys (see previous blog. Ha!). I had so much fun and not a single drop of alcohol. I was so close to getting hand grenades from this one guy who I thought was straight, but then we saw him in The Pub like 10 minutes later and I gave him a bitch look. It was funny. I laughed. I can't believe I saw Eric. He looks so good. I miss him like crazy. Yes, I'm gonna buy him lunch and, yes, we WILL go to chicaaaaago one day. No one gets that but him. I love him. I talked to him every now and then. It was really good seeing him. Then I saw Jobi...

I had a really big talk with Jobi about college and high school and the huge difference. He made me think about a lot of things. And you know what I mean when I say "think". He was saying, "Yeah, you know, high school is full of bullshit and drama and hookups and people are all up in each other's business. And that's not the fucking real world. In college, you do what you want, you only look out for yourself, and no one gives a fuck and no one cares about you like they did in high school and thats amazing and that's REAL LIFE. Between me and you, I'm so glad that I don't hang out with highschoolers. *looks at my boys* They're yours? They're high school, huh? Babe, if I were you, I'd get out of that. I did. I'm glad I did. Get new people. Get people who don't give a fuck. Do what you want. Get out the drama." That conversation made me think way more than I ever thought it would. I love my friends to death, I love being with them and I love how we all are with each other but it's not how I want to live. It's very difficult because at one point I agreed with him. I don't want to deal with all of it, but I know that if I want to deal with some of it, I have to deal with ALL of it. I just wish things weren't so complicated. In the end, I am happier than I am upset with my friends. So, as of now, I'm here to stay, you know? It's complicated.

So we left Bourbon and had a really fun car ride home. Then let's fast forward to July 4th. Sounds good. I had work. Work was good. Then there was a series of awkward events and I felt so stupid and so just...whatever...about it. So I left work and went to my family reunion, which was a lot of fun, surprisingly. Then Alex picked me up and it was just awkward. Then we went to Kaleb's. Actually, I don't think I want to blog about July 4th anymore. Not because I'm trying to "control" myself, and not because I'm trying to move past it...but because I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired of thinking. People might make bad decisions or they might make good ones, and whether they learn or not from it, it's their choices. I know that. Sometimes I just don't get why people do what they do and it gets "stupid" to me. Whether it's my call or not, it's how I feel. I'm not asking anyone to agree. I just needed to say that. For myself I guess.

I don't really feel like blogging anymore at all actually. I hate that. I plan to just vent everything out and then I realize that I already have to other people and I have to stop myself from writing because of what I will think. That's dumb. I haven't been doing my homework for therapy. I probably should. But that involves writing what I feel. Maybe later in the day, when I have nothing else to do but think. That's going to be interesting...

xoxo DannDann

And by hangout all summer...you mean I can drown you in my one foot pool...

I'm listening to my music on shuffle and I'm going to write what songs play while they play. First...Be a Man - Mulan. I love that song. That brings me to my first point of this blog. I have lots of "boys" in regards to the select few I care about. You all know who you are. Some people THOUGHT they were part of that, but they were highly mistaken. I'm very proud of my boys lately though. They are all doing what's best for them. And I love them all to death. Everyone's grown up so much since last summer and I'm glad that I've been here for all of it.

Summer update... I have a new job now. I quit Body Shop for various reasons and now I work at Torrid. Torrid is a plus size store in the mall. Everything there is super amazing. You all should visit me one day. I bought a whole bunch of shit today. I bought 8 things for 47 dollars. I was very proud of my bargain hunting, even though I already knew what was on sale because I work there. Then I went to Hot Topic and bought the heels I had told everyone about. (Jenny Says - Cowboy Mouth) They're like snow leopard print, except where the white background would be is rainbow. RAINBOW! I love it. They're so cute. And I get my discount at Hot Topic, too, since it's an all around good time. I fucking love this song.

Continuing... I'm glad it's almost July. The rest of June went by pretty quickly. I'm excited to get back to school and I want the summer to hurry up, but at the same time, I don't want it to pass TOO quickly, you know? I want to read the 6th Harry Potter book before the movie comes out. I haven't read Harry Potter in years. The last one I read was the 5th one. I already know everything that happens in the 6th and 7th ones, but I wanna read them still. I hope I do. I really like reading things like that. I also want to read the two books that follow Rainbow Boys. I know one of them is Rainbow High and I forgot what the other one is called. (God Is A DJ - Pink) I don't seem like the type of person who would read in their spare time, but when I say Harry Potter and Rainbow Boys, no one is surprised. Haha. It's silly.

You know what else is silly? Renee and Jesse came over to my house last night at like 11:45 and we watched the first two episodes of Buffy. Haha. I never thought I would watch Buffy. But it's really pretty interesting. We have 20 quotes from the first 2 episodes. I wrote them down, because I didn't want to tweet all of them. So I tweeted the first one. And then it became HILARIOUS. It was a lot of fun. It's a really interesting show. You should all watch it one time. I don't think I've written about bleaching my hair or getting married. Maybe I did. Well, my husband and I bleached our hair. I love Bryce. So much. He makes me insanely happy.

You know what else makes me insanely happy? For the first time in a while, there is no relationship type drama in the circle. I think everyone is significantly happy with where they are and they don't NEED anyone else but who they already have. I really like that. I'm really proud of you for everything. You know what I mean. (Do It To It - Cherish) I really love you and I really love all my boys, the ones that actually ARE my boys. PS - If anyone wants to say shit about me, say it to my face. Don't complain about how you THINK I feel to someone else when you have NO fucking idea what the hell you're talking about. Nimrod. HA!

I have more to write about but I don't feel like writing anymore, I just haven't updated in a while. Well, all for now...I will continue this later. Thank you for reading, comrades.

xoxo DannDann

I want to be back at school. Everything just made so much more sense there. I wasn't nearly as confused there as I am here. I just want to be back there with Ashley and be busy all the time and do things the way that I want to do them. Sometimes, and by sometimes I mean ALL THE TIME, I just want to get away from things. I want to keep myself occupied. I just want to have classes and be back in Hammond. I miss it. That was my life the way I wanted it to be and now I just don't even know what I want. It's too complicated and I don't like it at all. I'm just kind of ready for the summer to be over. Is that stupid? Is this stupid? I'm just ready to go back. For a while...

xoxo DannDann

If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten...

"You see...it's funny because..."

This past week has been full of ups and full of downs. Let's start with therapy. I was supposed to have therapy on Tuesday, but instead, I had it on Wednesday. I went to Hammond and it made me a lot happier to be there than I thought it would. I miss being up there so much. I'm really ready to go back. As weird as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. Well I spent two hours in therapy, instead of the usual one hour. Rashunda told me that her last day was going to be on Thursday. I cried. She gets me so well. She's the only person I have let myself be 100% honest with besides Olivia. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but she has definitely helped me learn a lot about myself and my life and how I deal with things. I really learned a whole hell of a lot from her. So I'm getting a new therapist a week from Monday. She's got some fucking huge shoes to fill. But ever since I had my last session with Rashunda, I've been thinking about everything that I talked about with her.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually starting to care about myself. I never really did that nearly as much as I should have. I'm really tired of there always being some sort of drama within the circle. Granted, there is drama that I partake in, but I really am trying to remove myself from that. I'm here as a friend and I will listen to you whenever you need me to; however, if we are all together somewhere and having a good time, please do not ruin it with your bullshit. I don't like that. That is the only time I don't deal with shit, is when I'm trying to have a good time with everyone. That's understandable, you know? But, really, I just want everyone to drop their bullshit and to not be fake. If you have a problem with me, call me and tell me. Don't act like my friend or like you have my best interests at heart and then turn around and talk shit about me or whatever. It's not okay with me. If you're one of those people, I'm sure you could give a shit less whether it's okay with me or not...but still...it's just stupid. If you're going to be a bitch, be a bitch, but just be fucking real. Don't be a half-assed bitch. Whatever side you choose, stick to it. I'm not asking you to like me, I'm just asking you to be real with me.

Anyway...I got a new job. I work at The Body Shop in Esplanade Mall. No, not The Body Shop that sells soap and shit, but The Body Shop that sells clothing and accessories. It's similar to Forever 21 stuff and everything's really cute. I like working there. I've never had my feet hurt so much in my life though. I had a 9 and a half hour shift today. I only sat maybe twice and in thirty second intervals. It's exhausting but it keeps me busy. I need to get more into the real world. Not that I don't love the theatre world (double negative), because I do love the theatre world (that's better). But I feel like part of getting out of high school and having started college and actually having a legit job are all part of growing up and moving forward in life. Sometimes I think my surroundings keep me held back. I feel like I'm stuck in high school the majority of the time, and not the good parts. I loved that about Hammond and being with everyone there. We could go out and just play pool and drink a beer and make fetus jokes and have a good time and no gossip. I enjoy gossip as much as you do, but it's nice to not have bullshit to talk about every once in a while.

I have realized within the past couple of weeks that I need to think about what (or moreso who) is important to me. I overexert myself constantly by trying to make everyone happy or by trying to be everyones' friend. I need to figure out who is here for me, who I know is here for me, and put my effort into my relationships with those people. And fuck the rest. Well, not "fuck the rest" but just don't worry about everything so much. I'm going to fucking worry myself to death if I don't sort out what's important from what's not. I think I will grow a lot this summer. I have grown a lot in this past year, mostly with how I view and deal with things/people (...Jody, that slash was for you). I know I always say "yada yada yada I have changed a lot in a year blah blah blah" but I really have. I know I have.

Update over time that I have yet to blog about: Cameron. As most of you know, Cam and I had a horrible bloodbath of a fight over Christmas break and we didn't talk for about four months. We saw each other the day after he came home for summer and we talked everything out. He is undoubtedly one of my best friends and I'm so glad that I put him back in my life. He's a part of the glue bottle. It's one of those things that no one gets except for the person being mentioned. Second update: college. My first year of college went well. Not smoothly, because my grades were way lower than what I had wanted, but it went well. I'm rooming with Ashley next year and I'm crazy excited about that!!! I miss Ashley and Olivia a lot. Especially our drunken nights at Olivia's apartment. Olivia is going to LSU next year. It makes me sad, but I genuinely hope she will love it there. If not, she better come back to SELU. Phahaha. But seriously... Third update: family. My dad and I are fine, as always. Me and Michelle have been good for a while now and I really like it. My mom and I were really bad. I would cry a lot because of my mom over the past two weeks. Ever since I told her how upset I was because Rashunda was leaving, her and I have been getting along better. I think mostly because of something me and Rashunda talked about. But I think if my mom gives me a bit more freedom, I will exercise more control and not ALWAYS be out of the house. I hope it goes well for the rest of the summer.

The O'Flanigan wedding is Wednesday at Bryce's. I'm very excited. I hope lots of people come!!! I have so much to write about, but I feel like this blog is already crazy long, so I will just write more later. I haven't had a big blog in a while. So this was what I needed, I think. "No, you are mistaken. IIIIIII HATE IT..." Thank you, Bryce, I love you.

xoxo DannDann

Breakaway

You know what I hate? When you're supposed to be happy, but you're clearly not. Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't need constant conversation. I shouldn't secondguess you. I shouldn't wonder if you've found something else... something... better...

I just want to go. Right now. I want to get in my car and just drive down to KBL and get out of my car and sit by the rocks and smoke a cigarette in the rain and watch the water splash against the rocks as if they were just as frustrated as I am. I don't want to worry all of the time, all of the fucking time, about everything but myself. I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm not supposed to cry for an hour because of a song and a thought. It's what I said would make me happy, so why am I not happy? Why do I tell myself things when I know I don't mean them, or why do I believe them at least?

I wish I could be completely honest. Completely. There's so much you know about me, but there are so many things that I keep that you would never know. Honest? You think that I think differently than what I actually think. And it's not like I told you that I thought the way you thought I did. You told me you thought that I thought it. I just didn't have the heart to disagree. I don't think I will anytime soon. It gets harder. I just wish it could get easier.

I don't even get why it's so difficult in the first place. That's a lie. There's just so much that I don't say. For being open and saying how I feel, there sure is a hell of a lot that I don't tell anyone. I'm always thinking something. Always. And sometimes I forget how well people know me. Most of the time when people can tell something's wrong. OH MY GOD. TIMING. Sidebar - I used to be best best best friends with this kid Eric and he just messaged me as I am sobbing, writing this blog, and says "I misseth you". I haven't heard from him in probably 8 or 9 months. Some people have the best timing. Some people know exactly what to say. Fuck, I miss him so much. I want to see him soon. I want to hang out with him again. I want to talk to him again. Frequently. He gets me. One of the few that do. I love him. So much.

Anyway, I don't know what I need right now. I need to be happier than I am, because I deserve it. I need to find the balls to tell you how I really feel, but I know I won't. I need to decide if my heart can handle it or if it even still is. How is it possible to not know who you love? Everything keeps getting more and more complicated and I don't like that. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need space. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I need.

xoxo DannDann