Summer 2008, you're one crazy motherfucker.

Hmmmm where everything is now is definitely not where things were May 18, 2008. Then summer hit and everything changed. Some things that were and still are really fucking bad and other things that I could not have ever dreamt to bring me such happiness and contentment. Where to begin? Summer 2008, you've given me a whole bunch of shit to think about...

Graduation - the first official night of summer. Started off with alocohol in hand and a beautiful pair of red heels. How amazing. We all danced at The Venue and I got waaaaaasted. Then we went to Kingsley's and had some...interesting...experiences. That was a fun night. Vodka, driveways, and cheese. What a night. I'm glad that was my first night of summer. Way to start it off.

So I have changed my mind and realized that I am not going to type an event title and then give a summary like I just did with Graduation. That's too boring. I figure I will just talk about what's important now because of what happened...Star of David. Holy fuck. I had no idea I could be so close to and in check with two pepople. Oh my God, Hannah and Tyler have changed my life in ways that I never could have even expected. It took us all only a week to realize that we are best firends. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around pepople, I've never had so much fun around people. I'm so glad they're two of my best friends. I have no idea in hell as to where I would be without them, I don't even want to think about that. It scares the fuck out of me that I will be an hour away from them when I go to school. I know its not that far away, but I hope nothing changes. I know something will most likely change, but I just love them so much and they mean the world to me. We're intimidating. I love it.

I'm really glad Casi is staying in New Orleans as well as Blythe and Jody. This means I can see them as often as the Star. Casi - this summer I haven't seen Casi that much and we don't talk as much anymore. But she is, hands down, one of my best friends. I need to see her more. I miss her alot. Wow. Like a whooooole lot. We've had some really fucking fun times when we actually have seen each other this summer. I love her. Now, Jody - the boy with amazing hair. Haha. How silly. I'm really glad that I''ve gotten a lot closer to Jody through Cinderella and now through Pajama Game. He's a really chill kid. I hope I get closer to him before the summer ends. I trust him. He's good in my book...if I actually had a book. Blythe - what a fucking riot. We never stop laughing when we're together. I love her sooooo much. She knows so much about me. We talked a lot after prom at Hayli's house and I don't know, I feel like over the past year we've gotten a lot closer. I love that. She is such an amazing person and she's a really good friend. I'm glad we did Cinderella together. I wish she was doing Pajama Game. I really miss her.

I'm more than thrilled that Olivia is going to Southeastern with me. And Nametag!!! Oh my God I miss Nametag. I think I'm seeing her today. I've seen her ONCE this summer. Not good. But I'm really glad Olivia's coming to school with me. I don't think I could deal with seeing her less than I do now. Destin was fun. She came with me. I loooove the beach. I wish I were still there. I went to Fudpuckers! I've always wanted to go there...check mark. Oh my God! I can't believe Cameron is going to California. I don't like to think about it. We've had our ups and downs but I miss him a lot. He gets me more than I thought he would. It surprises me how well he knows me. Well it surprises me how well Hannah and Tyler know me. Olivia, Blythe, and Casi don't surprise me. You know who knows me better than I thought he would? Jody. I get so surprised when people know me better than I thought they would. I love it!!

I don't want this summer to end. It's good. It's the best one yet. I like being busy busy busy. It keeps me entertained. I like this summer being my last summer. I'm doing everything I always wanted to do during summers, well I'm doing it this summer since it's my last summer. I always wanted to do summer shows and I've just been very very very open to a lot of new people. I like it. I'm so glad I decided to do Godspell because Godspell made me want to do Cinderella and Cinderella made me want to do Pajama Game. And my life is so different than it was before Godspell. Fuck, that's where it all started. I love it. I miss it.

I miss lots of things. I think I've gotten a lot more real and a lot more open minded at the same time in the past six months. I like it. As Hannah says, "They're intimidating because they're bitchy; we're intimidating because we're real" So true, yes indeed. I love my friends. That's all I have for now. Life is good.

xoxo DannDann

And that is the period.

I hate knowing that I've done all I can and that nothing that I could possibly do anymore would help the situation. I wish for so much. I try so hard to make sure he's happy. And I get yelled at and unappreciated, that's what I get.

Today was a perfectly fine disaster. It started at midnight when my best friend still continued to let me slip away. Then Twitter statuses started to get ridiculous. I can't believe he was being so ridiculous. I can't believe I was being so ridiculous, as well. Then I talked to Kaleb for like an hour until about 5 in the morning. The only good thing that happened to me in the very beginning hours of the morning was that song. Then I ended up going to sleep around 6:20 in the morning. I woke up again at about one.

Then Matthew instant messaged me in an attempt to talk about the previous evening of drama. That worked swell. Or not at all. I can't do it anymore. It was three something in the afternoon and I was bawling my eyes out, just as I had done the night before over the exact same thing, except this time the words were harsher. This is what I said to him, "i dont like not knowing what to say around you. i dont like knowing that i have to hold back a lot of what i want to say when i talk to you and you still get aggravated. i dont like that this isnt working. i dont like that i feel like im losing you, or that youre losing me, i guess is more accurate to how i feel. i dont like that i can say that and have it be true. i dont like trying to make things better and having them become worse. i dont like not knowing how to respond. i dont like feeling like i cant be myself around you anymore." And then come to find out he feels like he hasnt been able to be himself around me since Jody's. JODY'S! I had no idea that I, myself, felt this way until about three fucking days ago!

I can't do it anymore. I really can't. Matthew, I'm not trying to mold you into the friend I want you to be. I like that no one else in the world is like you. I love it actually. I didn't like you once you started becoming an asshole and once you started thinking about how insignificant I am to you, but yet you tell me today that you can't afford to lose me. No, you can't afford to lose me. Yet, you say things like "then stop trying. take it for what it is. we're either friends or we aren't." Direct quote. You really can't lose me? Stop trying? How much do you care Matthew, or how much do you not care? I just don't see how this will work. I guess it's hopeless. I guess sometimes you just have to realize when to walk away.

I was right. This is the beginning of the end. Period.

xoxo

Where do we go from here?

I wonder what happens when everyone realizes how much they need you. Where do we go from here? How is it possible to care about someone who is such an idiot? And of course, you can't tell them the blunt truth, word-for-word, because that would be too harsh and then you would be a bitch for saying it in the first place, and he would think the completely wrong thing about what you're trying to say. What happens when he cares so much about being with them that he loses the ones who really matter?

What happens when you forget all the time that he's so much younger than you and that you won't see him every day for the next year when you've seen him everyday for the past month and a half? And what if he gets taken away by the people you can't stand the most? And I can't say I support it, but I can't say I don't. I can't win. Even if I did have the mailbox and pillowcases to prove it, nothing would change. Where do we go from here when you can't stick up for me, but you can stick up for him?

What happens when you realize all the mistakes you've made, the few that people know about, and the many that you've told anyone? And you think, what if things were different...no, what if things will be different? If things change, if people change...when people change. Where do we go from here when everyone is changing and nobody is stopping to say "Slow the fuck down! Please." Where do we go when we realize we waited too long to stop and realize that what we had was perfect and that it's not what we have anymore? What about when you can't stop thinking about people who you need to stop thinking about? What then?

What happens when you go to college and you leave six of your seven best friends, and right now you could give a fuck less about three of them because they all conveniently decide that they have better things to do and better people to talk to and you still only have one fucking month left? What happens when you wake up in your bed in your dorm an hour away from everything you knew and what the fuck happens when you realize that it was gone long before you left the city? When will people just stop and realize what their priorities are and who will be there for them in the long run? When will the people who you used to matter to realize that they've lost you - when it's too late? Is that when?

And why is it that I can just sit here at 1:20 in the morning and just listen to this song, the same song that I've listened to for the past thirty five minutes, and not care about anything but the fact that I refuse to go back and hypenate thirty five. And again. And why are Hannah, this song, and Reginelli's the only things that can make me relatively content with my life? Why can't I let go of him? And him? And him? When will I realize that I can't fix everything? When will I realize that maybe not everything can be fixed? You can't do it all, Dani. And that's okay. All you can do is you and if people aren't going to stop and realize that you doing you is possibly the best thing that they could do for themselves, then fuck it.

What good is worrying your life away when all the time I spend worrying could be time spent loving this song even more and loving the people who sing it. And I could spend my time being jealous of them and how fucking amazing they are, or I could spend my time being thankful that I have the pleasure of being friends with these people, the people that other people look at and say, "Damn, I wish I knew them". Why worry about incorrect punctuation when I can think about that dress that I wore on my birthday? God, I love that dress. I can't just sit here and worry about everyone all the time. Sometimes I just need to chill the fuck out and not think about anything or just think about things that would make me happy in the most perfect ways. Like those bangs. Or my prom shoes. Or Hannah getting her radio fixed. Or Tyler wearing tights. Or sleeping at a boat launch and watching the sun come up after the worst night ever. Or hearing Monique sing. Or baking brownies with Matthew. Or being part of the Star of David. Or hearing people laugh. God, I love to hear people laugh.

Jody. What a silly silly silly boy. This was such a good idea. A very very good idea. I wonder if you have read this far...I like your voice. I'm sure I've told you this nine thousand times. I'm just still listening to the song. For the past fifty minutes now. It makes me happy.

This is long. I like it. I'm really glad I wrote this. Sweet dreams world. It's been real.

xoxo DannDann