Michael...Jackson...stealing my microwave...

I never realized how much I love typing on keyboards that click very loudly. I really love it though. That's probably the main reason I'm blogging right now - because I love how it sounds. I'm at work with Olivia right now. It's pretty chill; I'm in here all the time. At least once a day. I love how one of Olivia's bosses, Robin, told me that she has her nipples pierced. I love her. I could hang out with her, I really could. She should come to Cate Street one week with us. This is very unlikely, but I really wish she would one time. She's cool. I really could be friends with her. I almost just sang her name across the universe office, but she's on the phone. Sadness all across the land.

Onto a more serious issue...I'm not as happy as I thought I was. Well, I am, but not without the people that make me happy. Yeah, there are sperts of things that make me happy here (such as unexpected cigarettes or hourlong conversations with Robin about her psycho ex-husband or Olivia's cousin's new kitten [sooo cute!]) but it's not the same as it is at home. Over Spring Break, I was legitimately happy, for the first time in a really long time. It was just chill and fun and whatever, but when I come back to Hammond I realize how much shit I have to do and that I only have three weeks to do it. Which brings me to school...I think I'm dropping my library science class. I still can (surprisingly) and my teacher even suggested it since I missed so much class. I think I'm going to do that. I'm glad that my major is Education now but it makes me nervous that I won't have any education classes until next Spring. I want to see if I like them more than I liked the Communication classes. I think I am going to get either a 2.7 or a 2.8 this semester, which isn't the 3.0 that I wanted, but it's better than the 2.3 that I got last semester. So if I get a 2.7, then my average is a 2.5 and then I only have to get a 3.5 next semester, which will be difficult but not as difficult as a 3.7. I'm sorry if any of you felt like you HAD to read this paragraph, but I hope you read it. I hope you listened... listened?... listened... with your... eyes. Yeah. Wow.

ANYWAY, MOVING ON...I am definitely ready for summer, especially the wedding. I need another job, too. PS - I started working at Zephyrs again (I started there last summer). I'm working Saturday night and then everyone should come to my house and party because I have the house to myself that night. I wanna say people can come about ten-ish. Everyone should bring money for alcohol though. I might make it a facebook event. LAME. Yeah, but I'm just ready to be home. I'm started to un-decorate (wording?) my dorm. I only have 28 pictures left on my wall that I have to take down and then I have to take down the sticky-tack. That's gonna be a bitch. I'm starting to move some of my stuff back this weekend. Also, I have to make a list of things that make me feel awkward. That's my assignment for therapy. I have to have it for Friday. I don't know if I am going to make it just a list of the major things or a list of a lot of things (major and minor). I think making that list will make me feel awkward. Well, all for now. Maybe some more tomorrow.

xoxo DannDann

"It would be more entertaining if I were dodging bullets right now"

So, here I am. At work. On my sixteenth round of Solitaire. I would rather be dodging bullets. It would be more fun. These past few days of mine were spent in Hattiesburg with Hanner. Oh my God. Those were the four most relaxing days I have had in a long long long long long time. We spent the majority of our time flashing children, getting sunburnt, eating chocolate, going to the Coch, and (most importantly) on the smoker's porch. The smokers porch is probably one of my favorite places. It easily has made its way into the top fifteen. Easily.

It's 6:54 pm and I am here for two more hours. The time is creeping by. Not okay. I'm not okay with how slow the time is going and I'm sure you're not okay with it either. And I'm not okay with neither of us being okay with it because it is not okay that we have to watch the seconds tick by, further making us even more not okay, and if you're not okay, I'm not okay and I am CERTAINLY not okay with how much longer I am have to be here and if you're not okay with it, I'm not okay with it, and if I'm not okay with you, you're not okay with it. It is just not okay. I enjoyed writing that way too much. Okay...moving on...

I think a bunch of people are going out tonight. I'm excited. I want to go out. I have to go back to Hammond tomorrow, and I REALLY don't want to. I just want to sleep for a really really really ridiculously long time. I don't know what else to say. I will update later.

xoxo DannDann

Follow Your Hunch

So steer yourself any direction you choose!

And oh, the places you'll go!
You're on your own
You know what you know.
Don't worry about
How fast or how slow.
Be certain you step
With caution and tact
Cause life is a great big
Balancing act!
And will you succeed?
You will, yes, indeed!

98 and three quarters percent guaranteed!

We all go through the experiences life puts before us so that we can learn. No matter how much we know or how much we have been through, we will always have something we can learn from, whether it be an action, a choice, a person, or an experience. As long as people keep feeling, everyone else keeps getting affected. Not saying that this is bad, but it's like a chain reaction. I learn in the ways I least expect. Recently, they have not been that great of ways, but in the end, it all turns out for the better. I learn who is there, I learn who I want to be there, and I learn that there is a differnece.

Even though I may fight with someone, the people who really truly care about me know how to show me, and I, in turn, try to show them in my way. If that doesn't work out, I just have to step back, get my shit together, and rearrange it so that everything fits again. There are a few things that need to be fixed in my relationships. I don't want to say many, because I wouldn't believe that. I like that I can be honest with people and they can be honest with me, especially when it's something neither of us want to hear, but something that both of us definitely NEED to hear. Because as much as I hate being "put in my place" every now and then, I need it. You need it too. Everyone does.

Life is a great big balancing act. I'm learning. I think I'm getting a pretty good feel for how I am and for how I am towards others. Some things I want to change, but most things I am content with, and half of the things I want to change involve more than one side. It's just difficult to change your actions without changing the relationship when the actions that fuel your actions are still the same ones that made you act the way you did in the first place. That sentence may be a bit confusing, but I understood it and I have faith in the people who read this, that they will be able to understand it.

I am listening to Suessical, hence the beginning of this blog. I've been wanting to write for a while, like legit write, not like my last blog. I miss writing all the time. I want to try to do that more again. I need to get all my shit together. I only have like a month left of school (AND I'M FUCKING EXCITED). I've decided that Hannah and I will practically live together over the summer. I can't wait for the wedding! Despite the temporary drama that came about by the wedding date, I think everything is going to be fine. Disclaimer - I never wanted anyone to get upset about dates coinciding. I'm sorry if anything I personally did upset someone about it. Dates have been moved so that it can agree with mostly everyone's schedule. PS - on another note about that, if you were invovled and dealt with it civilly, I respect that very much. If you were not or did not deal with it so, I most likely want to punch you in the face. I'm trying to move on, but I am fairly aggravated with a certain handling of the situation. If we've worked it out, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about an unresolved issue, I guess?

Anyway, this blog has been all over the place. I need to go shower and wake up Hannah because we are going to Pancho's today. Well, thank you all for reading...if you did. Follow your hunch...

xoxo DannDann

Back to then

I want to go back to this.
I want to go back to my family of 30 girls in black dresses and pearls.
I want to go back to helping Stassi quick change in Gypsy.
I want to go back to driving to Brother Martin at 7 at night to rehearse a song over and over and over and over and over.
I want to go back to being a Tenor in Pippin.
I want to go back to throwing a snowball at my sister in June.
I want to go back to the boat launch with my twinmate.
I want to go back to putting on red lipstick and purple wings.
I want to go back to that apron and that duster and that office.
I want to go back to taking shots in the kitchen.
I want to go back through that sprinkler the morning after.
I want to go back to stalking Mike behind the piano.
I want to go back to intentions before rehearsal.
I want to go back to being happy.
I want to go back to that time you called and I didn't have to.
I want to go back to that time I held your hair back.
I want to go back to that time I cried at that table before he left.
I want to go back to State Week.
I want to go back to stepping in blue icing.
I want to go back to the Fairy Dwarfmother.
I want to go back to then.

xoxo DannDann

There's a fine, fine line

It amazes how I can be so close to someone and keep the biggest secret from them. It amazes me how that one thing keeps replaying in my head and keeps making me cry and that I have no idea as to why I keep reacting this way. If only you knew. I almost told you this weekend. But I didn't. It would've been stupid of me to do that. It's one thing for me to keep it to myself, but if you ever knew, it would be a whole nother worry that I would never let go of.

When you get to the end of the road and you get out of the car and you stare at the water, it's just you. It's just you and your thoughts. And your emotions. And your tears. And you. Sometimes the overall discontentment outweighs the current happiness. I don't know how to give this up. If I give up, I will eventually be happy on realistic terms. If I give up, I give everything up. You wouldn't know why. I would say that I'm busy, that I don't have time anymore, that nothing's wrong. I'd be lying. "Drama comes from people being not truthful, from people keeping secrets, when people lie." That's playing over in my head, too. My inner response and my outer response were completely opposite.

As much as I want to stop thinking about it, I can't. I don't want to change what it is, I just wish it were how I wanted it to be. "There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got."

xoxo DannDann

Frustration

I am so ready for everything to be done. I always have too much shit to do. I can never enjoy my Tuesdays or Thursdays off because all I can think about is all the shit I have due the next day. I don't like school. I just don't like it. I don't know what the fuck I want to do. I don't know if I fucking NEED to take this stupid fucking midterm in order to SUCCEED in my life. But I do it anyway. I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't want to fucking broadcast. I don't want to watch lectures. I don't want to take classes that I have to take because of the major that I DON'T want anymore and have it bring down my gpa which needs to be a FUCKING 3.7 WHICH IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. And if I don't get the fucking 3.7 I don't get to stay in private dorms next year. Shared dorms. SHARED. I might as well accept that it's going to happen. It's too much fucking work. I know it's Southeastern and I know it's all easy and what the fuck ever. I'm not a school person. I'm smart, but I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck about the Needle Theory and I don't give a fuck about public relations and I don't give a fuck about writing for the mass media. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I REALLY JUST FUCKING DON'T. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT I AM ACTUALLY FUCKING INTERESTED IN.

I don't want to have to work this fucking hard for something I don't even want to do. And when I complain about how difficult it is and how unhappy it makes me, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS. Nobody gets it. I am so incredibly unhappy. THE ONE THING I'm actually TRYING to work on is my fucking happiness. It's a little bit hard to focus on wanting to be happy when everything I HAVE to do is what makes me miserable in the first place. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want to work and make money and be happy and do what I want, without the whole get a degree part. Not even quitting school, just figuring out what the FUCK I want to do and actually doing it. Not having school be such a fucking burden and actually WANTING to learn about the things I have to learn about. I WANT TO BE INTERESTED. I WANT TO LIKE WHAT I DO.

I'm so ready for all this shit to be over. I just want someone to listen. I just want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to enjoy it. I didn't think that was too fucking much to expect, but apparently I was wrong.

xoxo DannDann

Hammond

I underestimate how much I love my Hammond friends. I need to hang out with them more. And crowhop.

Oh my fuck. Tonight was awesome. Yes, tonight. I JUST got into my dorm. It's 5:51 AM. I fucking love them. Details later.

xoxo DannDann