New Beginnings

I need to stop thinking of others before myself. Not all the time, just every now and then. I just don't feel like getting blamed for everything anymore. I don't want to be blamed for misunderstood non goodbyes that I didn't even know was wrong. I don't want to be blamed for keeping you apart when I did nothing more than support your alone time. I don't want to be blamed for your decisions when you are completely capable of making them. I don't want to be blamed for being real with you just because you don't agree or didn't want to hear it. I don't want to be blamed for your unhappiness. I don't want to be blamed for things that are not my fault and that seems to be what is happening lately.

I don't know whether or not I like that about 50% of my realizations about my life happen whilst I am sobering up, such as tonight's. I don't like trying so hard to be the person that everyone wants to be around, the person that is always there, the person you get drunk with, the person you cry with, just the whatever you need person. I don't like trying hard to be that person that everyone needs when I end up getting blamed for stupid shit.

I'm so ready for college. I'm so glad I'm not living at home. I'm so glad I'm far from certain people now. I'm ready for a new start, ready for people who won't get mad at stupid shit. I left high school, thinking I would leave all the stupid fucking drama behind. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to try to maintain relationships that aren't worth maintaining while trying to get used to my new life. I was talking to Kaylen about this while we were outside on the balcony and when we were in the dorm. I love Kaylen by the way. Me and her are very alike. I feel like I've known her for a really long time, when it's only been about two days and we had some pretty fucking deep conversations tonight. I'm really glad she's my roommate.

I'm ready for something real. I'm ready for everyone to stop being so goddamn fake. If you have a problem with me, you can just fucking tell me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. If I can fix it, I will. And if I can't, tell me anyway so I know what I did so that I can know to not do it again. I don't see what's so hard. I'm just ready for people to be real with me. I want to know who I can rely on, who will be there on the few weekends that I come in town, who will call me just to say that they thought of "that one time when we...", who will hug me so hard that I can't breathe when they see me because they miss me so much, who will know exactly what I'm thinking RIGHT NOW. I want a new beginning. I'm ready to make decisions about my life for me, not for other people. I've done that for way too long. I'm tired of pretending like I'm sorry for things that everyone is blaming me for when I didn't even do anything wrong. That stops now. It needs to. This is my life. Not yours.

This is my new beginning. I never said it had to be on your terms.

xoxo DannDann