Because of that

For the past week I have wished for the same thing at 11:11. Life is one big wish, one big hope, one big dream, one big unexpected blur. Life is...life. I've thought so much in the past month, I'm surprised my brain hasn't exploded. I realized that there are only two people in the entire world who understand me. I love that. I love them. I think it is a bit silly that I keep wishing on 11:11, since I'm trying to do the whole "expect the unexpected, let whatever happens happen" thing. But old habits die hard and wishing at 11:11 doesn't hurt anything. I like my life. It's weird. Me and Kaylen haven't been on that great of terms lately. I don't really mind. Darra has become my closest friend here. I didn't think I cared about her as much as I did. We talked for 5 hours Thursday night. It was amazing.

I miss listening to this song. Coffee by Copeland. I got it from Adrienne. I miss her. I miss how things used to be, but as time goes on, I'm learning to accept that things are different and probably won't ever be the same. They don't need to be. Things will either get better or worse or they won't matter. And that's okay. Even though it gets lonely, I like staying up here on the weekends by myself. I was supposed to see a speaker this morning, that was the whole reason I couldn't come down this weekend. Of course, I didn't go. I was mad when I realized I forgot, but to tell you the truth, I don't really mind.

I am constantly surprised by people, including by myself. I look at the pictures on my wall and I think of how I've changed since I've become friends with each of them. It's miraculous. Thinking about where I was a year ago is so weird. I was best friends with Rachel and Mindy. God, things have changed. And even more recent...eight months ago. February 4th - Oh my God. I was having withdrawals from Actor's Worst Nightmare. That was when being on stage came back into my life. I had just dyed my hair a few days before when I was drunk and with Olivia after Endymion. I didn't hate Barissa. I didn't know half the people I was close to over the summer. I was skipping Calculus, most likely. I was still distraught over what had happened between me and Rachel and the table began to realize that we hated the other people who sat there. Haha.

Six months ago. April 4th - We only had a few weeks before Godspell opened. It was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was closest to Blythe and Casi. I was flipping my shit about Senior year ending. I think I had JUST decided I was going to Southeastern. I was very different. Four moths ago. June 4th - I was turning eighteen in ten days. I was in Cinderella and really fucking excited. I considered Sami one of my best friends. I became insanely close to Matt, Hannah, and Tyler. The Diamond of BOGs. Phah. Jambo. That was an era. Haha. I loved it. Summer was finally there and I couldn't have loved anyone more than I did already. I was so happy with where I was and with who was with me.

Two months ago. August 4th - I was moving to Hammond in eleven days and all I could do was cry because I didn't want to leave people. I didn't want anything to change. I knew it was going to and I was scared as fuck. We were doing Pajama Game. I became close to Kaleb, I didn't hate Darren (like I thought I had previously). We rescued Marty [I thought a lot about that day today]. Everything was perfect and I wanted everything to stay the way it was forever. I was about to have done 4 shows in seven and a half months and I was so pleased with my life. Today. Things are different. And as unhappy as I have been in the past month, I'm happy now. Overall, I'm happy. I know I'm doing okay. I know I have written about this a lot, but it's so weird to sit here and think about how my life has changed in the past year.

I have become the person I am because of you. Because of her. Because of him. Because of that song. Because of that night. Because of that trip to Taco Bell. Because of that phone call. Because of that cryfest. Because of those ten days. Because of what you wrote. Because of that basket. Because of that drunk night. Because of that distance. Because of those pictures. Because of that fight. Because of that video. Because of that laugh. Because of that sombrero. Because of those clothes I borrowed. Because of that yell. Because of that costume. Because of that dance. Because of that day it hailed. Because of that tantrum. Because of those aviators. Because of those baby tiny coffee pots. Because of that view. Because of those ripped jeans. Because of that cherry limeade from Sonic. Because of that time we made out on the side of Nick's truck. Because of those pictures in the bathroom. Because of that kiss. Because of that time I confessed my love for you. Because of those AIM conversations. Because of that time I slapped you. Because of that purple butterfly. Because of our adventures to the boat launch. Because of that elevator. Because of those Chinet napkins. Because of that tye dying kit. Because of that face. Because of that gay closet. Because of church on my birthday. Because of those white canvas shoes. Because of Baja FUCKING Blast. Because of that time I thought you were dead. Because of that time we casted that movie. Because of that trip to Puccino's. Because of mitten feet. Because of that conversation we had about porn. Because of those headphones. Because of that apron. Because of that quickchange. Because of that bread girl. Because of those khaki shorts. Because of you.

Because of you. You know which ones are yours. You know which ones aren't. Maybe things are different. Maybe they are the same. Maybe I don't know where the fuck we stand, but it was good. It made me happy, most likely, it still does. All of you have made me who I am today, and even though we may not be as good as we used to be, I don't regret one second of one memory that I have with you. I like who I am. I like who you have made me. Thank you for that.

xoxo DannDann