It's been a while.

I don't know what to think about my life anymore. There's a big part of me that is just so incredibly angry with so many ridiculous things. And then one thing happens and it makes everything else so insignificant. Everything that I have been worried about for the past two months is so completely irrelevant now. I spent those two months freaking out about getting people back or keeping people away, trying to read into dreams, trying to stop my tears, and just moving on inevitably. And now...now it's all insignificant.

I'm so frustrated and exhausted of seeing the people I love get hurt. I feel like I'm trapped inside a big box of constant confusion and drama. There's always something going on. For once, I just wish nothing was happening. I wish there was no drama to talk about. I wish people didn't hate each other. I wish we didn't have stories. I wish we didn't have complicated relationships. I wish that there were no confusion and stress. I wish that I didn't have a reason to be frustrated. I almost wonder what would happen if it just stopped, if it all stopped, if we were all different.

How would things be if I were quiet and conservative. If I didn't give my opinion, if I didn't talk to everyone. Would we be friends? Would you love me? Would you not love me? What if we didn't hang out, get drunk, or hook up? If we weren't in theatre, we would be different. If we weren't each others friends, we would be different. It's not that we would have less shit to deal with, I'm sure there will be shit with any other friends we have, but it would just be different shit. I hate questioning people's motives, I hate seeing you get hurt over and over, I hate that you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself, I hate that you think that it happened, I hate that I didn't know, I hate that I honestly don't know if you're real, I hate that we don't talk anymore, I hate that you don't act the way you want me to act, I hate that you don't care, I hate that you couldn't have a voice of reason without me there, I hate that you don't stop, I hate that I can't read you, I hate that you want me to be different and I would still give anything for you, I hate that time is running out. I hate that everything that I hate doesn't matter now. It probably never did. What if it was different? What if you were different? What if I was different?

When did it stop mattering to me? And it all happens so fast. In the blink of an eye, I lost all my friends and regained most of them. In the blink of an eye, she won't be here. In the blink of an eye, my tears will hit the keys. In the blink of an eye, this song will end. In the blink of an eye, I will still be thinking about it. In the blink of an eye, I will have you back. In the blink of an eye, I will lose you forever. In the blink of an eye, I won't know what to do with myself. In the blink of an eye, I won't know how to live without you anymore. In the blink of an eye, everything will change.

Everything will change.