See, I'm Smiling

I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday or the day before or the week before or the month before. I just want to know why everything is the way it is. Why you're not there, why I love you, why I'm scared, why you don't care, I just want to know why. I want reasons. I want answers. I don't have them. Everyone thinks I will always know what to do in situations, and for the most part I do, but everyone breaks. Everyone has cracks in their foundation whether everyone else can see them or not.

I just want to be able to understand why reality is the exact opposite of what I want it to be. We're supposed to fight our battles and get over them and move on. We're supposed to give legitimate reasons for the way we feel. You'll never know. You think you will and I will tell you that you're right, but you're not and I'm way too vulnerable to tell you that you're wrong in fear that you will guess again and then you'll guess the right thing eventually after guessing every single fucking wrong answer you could possibly guess. And when you get it right, I will be devastated, unbearably devastated, because that will be the moment that reality hits me in the face and says FUCK YOU because NOTHING will EVER be what I want it to be.

And just when I think I'll get over it...just when I think about how I'm going to be okay...just when it seems to be alright, I'm constantly reassured that it's not, that nothing will change, that I will be just as miserable as I was the day before and that I still will never tell anyone how I'm feeling. But I'm always open and everyone knows how I feel and people can read me perfectly and its easy to always see when I'm upset and it's always clear why I'm upset and everyone just always knows everything I'm thinking...right? Wrong.

I just hate knowing that I will never get what I really want, what I know could really make me happy. And nobody knows, nobody can know. I couldn't tell anyone if I wanted to. And I don't want to, so I guess that's the only easy part about this is not telling people. It's almost impossible to be on your A Game with me anymore because you don't even know what I'm thinking and what I want and who is important to me. None of you know how I'm feeling. Everyone knows me so fucking well and inside and out, right? RIGHT? YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't. You have no idea how much this kills me. And you never will. But it's okay because I guess I'm not asking you to know.

xoxo DannDann