Yuck yuck yuck

I miss my phone. My black one. I'm using my old pink one right now. It's funny to see how much my speed dial has changed in a year in a half. I didn't even know half the people who are on my speed dial NOW a year and a half ago. Well I can't use my old phone because I dropped it when I fractured my ankle. I was walking on campus and BAM I fell and I fractured my right ankle. Not really surprised. What hurts the most though is the front of my shins. I scraped the fuck out of both of them horribly badly, right on top of the bone. Ouch ouch ouch. But I dropped my phone and the glass on the outside screen is all busted out and the inside screen when you open my phone is a big blur of colors. So I missed a good 20 text messages that I got. It still works, just not the screen. So now I'm using my old phone. Oh well.

My mother came up to Hammond yesterday when I was in the hospital. I was there by myself for an hour and a half. Talk about depressing. No one was answering their phones anyway, for whatever reasons, most of which I know. Now I can't walk though and I have to see another doctor tomorrow and I can't go to class until Wednesday at the earliest. Life has miraculous timing. It's silly. It's far more than silly. My mother is doing my laundry for me right now. I'm glad she came up here to help me. I'm very grateful for my mother.

I make a lot of generalizations because it saves time when I write. So to anyone who is mad at me or who I am mad at, I am sorry if my generalizations have brought any confusion. When I say "NOBODY cares" or "I don't want to talk to ANYONE" I don't really mean it for everyone. Right now, I feel very specific towards each person. I know most people are talking about me or the situation or something to the other people involved. I can't stop this. I just wish I could defend myself. I understand that people don't want to see me. Great. I know. And for those of you who are mad at me, you have gotten your point across, trust me, you have. I just don't know if there is anything else I can do. I don't know when I will be coming in town next...I don't feel like too many people would want to see me. Whoever reads this, you can read it as me being emo, or holding onto how I feel, or what the fuck ever. I can't really care anymore how you all take it. I guess I just won't come in for a while. It's for the best?

I think it's just a waiting game now. Everyone keeps telling me they need time and space and time and space. Okay. I get it. I just don't know how long "time" is. Oh well. It seems like I'm "bitching" about everything anyway, so I guess I will stop talking about it. No promises. I wish it would rain and I wish I didn't have a splint on my ankle so then I could go walk in the rain. I wish for a lot of things. Maybe I should stop wishing and instead, figure out how to redecorate my walls. I dont like looking at mostly yellow sticky tack dots when I lay down.

xoxo DannDann

Two blogs? ONE day? OOOOH INSANITY!!!

Yes, everyone, two blogs in ONE day! So while talking to Olivia for two hours on Facebook Chat about not knowing what to do, I think she flipped some sort of switch. Like it took us an hour and a half to sort through what I was thinking or explaining actions or thoughts or whatever. And then BAM. It makes sense. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm doing. It makes me happy. This is genuinely the happiest I have been in the past week.

PS. For those of you who don't know...I dyed my hair. Pictures? Yes. The top layer is blondish/strawberry blondish and the bottom layer is hott pink. I wanted to wait and show you all in person, but oh well. Loveit.

The blondish-ness:

How my hair looks on the top (& Kaylen's streaks):

Ponytail & you can see a bit of the underlayer:

The underlayer after the first time we did it:

The underlayer after we added more:

Loveit. Very me. I'm glad to be happy for now, at least. It's more than I can say before. Hope it works! Eeeeek! YAY!

You like it?

xoxo DannDann

1:36 PM. I should be in New Orleans right now. I would be in New Orleans right now. I planned on coming down this weekend, as of last night, but then came to the realization that nobody wants me home. Kind of dissapointing.

I hate when someone has a fucking problem with me and feels the need to not tell me, forces ME to make the effort. I don't get what is so difficult about telling me the truth. I'M SORRY IF THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE. I hate that I'm in this position and that I don't know what the fuck to do. A big part of me never wants to talk to anyone from home again. This week has BEYOND proven my point about people only caring when they "have" to. However, the other part of me thinks it would be sooooo not me to just fucking lose everyone by choice. But then again, I almost feel like I should lose everyone by choice. I'm worried that this is the part where I say that the good doesn't outweigh the bad. I'm worried that if I do say "Fuck everyone" that I will be losing what I love. But I'm just as fucking worried that if I don't say it, it will happen over and over.

"People fuck up. It happens." My response was, "Yeah, it just seems to be happening all the time and no one cares about it." I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to want to punch all of you in fucking face. I'm not over it...any of it. And no one cares. Half of you don't even fucking know that I'm still upset because once you find out I'm alive, you stop caring. You don't call. You don't do anything to talk to me. Nothing. It's a struggle to say the least. I feel like everyone forgot about me. Forgot. That's strong. That's accurate. Everyone forgot that we were best friends. Everyone forgot that I loved them. I'm not missed. I get it. It just sucks to wish that your "best friends" missed you one tenth of how much you miss them.

xoxo DannDann

I feel like I should write about the recent events that have happened in my life. However, I feel like if you really really really wanted to know what I was thinking, you could ask me about it. So instead of focusing on how upset and angry I am, I have decided to focus on something else.

Umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas. I don't do umbrellas. I think umbrellas are cute, but only in the "little kid with rainboots" sort of way. Umbrellas are meant for wimps or small children. I don't understand why everyone is so afraid to be in the rain. One of my favorite places to be is in the middle of the street when it's raining. It's not lava, it's not dirt, it's water. I don't get why people need to shield themselves from water. I don't get why it's such a big deal. If you have a place to go and you're all dressed up or if you just got your hair done, I get it. But if you're at WalMart (and you KNOW that over half the time you're at WalMart it rains) what's the big deal? Walk to your car. Don't run with an umbrella over your head and screaming because you're getting rained on. Waah waah. It's the rain. Enjoy it.

I've only straightened my hair maybe twice since I've been up at school. I just don't have time to. Lie. I have more time than I know what to do with. I just have bigger priorities than straightening my hair. My priorities have changed a bit in this past month. But I think everyone else's have changed more so than mine have. I've really seen who people are lately...very lately. But we won't get into that, remember?

I think I like this guy here. He's kind of cute. But he seems really chill. He seems nice. He smokes...blegh. But I want to get to know him before I decide whether or not I like him. He seems cool though. Topic change. I wish everyone could be more like Olivia. She gets me. She knows me. She's Olivia. Period. She knows exactly how I feel and I don't even have to say the words. She just knows. I love us. I love the way it works. It's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I've been very confused lately. I realize that I always make the effort, especially when I shouldn't have to. I hate that. I hate even more that I know if I don't make the effort, that you still won't. Communication matters far less to people than it should. Society dissapoints me. Shit happens. I wish people knew how to care correctly. I wish people cared when they didn't have to. I don't like making the effort. I don't like any of this. I want it to be different and the thing that I hate the most is that I'm the only one who cares enough to change anything.

xoxo DannDann

Lights, Camera, Action

I'm pretty sure my life is a movie and no one ever told me when they started filming. The past 48 hours of my life have been completely ridiculous. COMPLETELY. Saturday was Saturday, for anyone who knows what that means. Too many tears were involved. What the fuck ever. Shit happens. No one has any right to ever say that I don't put up with everyone's bullshit. I know for fucking sure that I put up with waaaaay more shit that I should, this weekend included. Moving on...

Sunday. Sunday I had to wait two hours for my dad to finally let me use the fucking car. The Batmobile. His toy. It's a fucking car. Whatever. So I go to Tyler's house to talk about the day before and yell at him for not answering his phone. Check that off the list. I was there for about an hour. So at the end of Tyler's driveway there is this stupid fucking pole. A pole that I never hit, a pole that I'm always nervous about hitting, but never actually have. So I'm backing out onto West Metairie and I was being careful like I always do...I thought I had it. But no. I fucking hit the left front of the car on the FUCKING pole. Goddammit. So then I'm like OH SHIT. So I pull over about one street later, thinking it won't be bad. So I get out of the car and it's worse that I thought. REALLY? Half the fucking bumper was like hanging down. I proceeded to flip my shit. I pushed the bumper back up as much as I could, then I notice that the glass over the headlight is broken. Oh and the body of the car right above that...kind of caved in a bit. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I'm on my way to Matthew's house and I'm trying to come up with a story about what to tell my mother. So I come up with the story that I went to Matthew's and the car was fine and when I went outside to leave, that's what I saw. I told him what I was going to tell my mom and it was cool. So then I called my mom when I was leaving and told her the story I made up and my mom was kind of mad and my dad was fucking pissed. So I get home or whatever and Matt and his mom were like, "We don't want to have to lie to your mother about this. We don't want to be involved." I felt bad. Basically, BAM, I have to do the right thing and tell my mother what REALLY happened. I know I'm going to. Sometime today I think. I wanted to wait till I was in Hammond to tell her. I hope we don't have to evacuate again so I can just not go home for like two weeks. I don't want to have to see them right after I tell them.

Then to top that grand event, I get back to Hammond and I'm all worried as fuck about the car thing and still thinking CONSTANTLY about what I found out on Saturday and all I want to do is get settled back in my dorm. So we're there for about thirty minutes. I see Kaylen (I missed her sooooo much!). And then fucking power goes out. THE. POWER. GOES. OUT. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? So I'm sitting in the dark and I just start screaming. My head was about to explode, I was worried about being murdered by my parents, I was thinking about how much I hate being fucked over by my best friends, I was nervous that we were going to evacuate again, and the POWER GOES OUT. I stormed out of the dorm and walked downstairs and met up with my friends. So we all sat outside and they smoked...I almost did too, but I ended up not doing it. This weekend almost made me a smoker. I wish I were kidding. Then the power comes back on like thirty minutes later. I go back in the dorm. And about an hour later, the power goes out...again.

I decide to go to BR with my friends (who I sat with outside) for the night. PS - the plan for that evening at school was to get wasted, which I wanted very badly...which I deserved very badly. That plan was CANCELLED. So I went to BR and slept in Chloe's dorm with her and Tim and Sarah. Then I had to wake up at fucking 6 in the morning to come BACK to Hammond because Tim had class at 8. So I only slept three hours last night and it wasn't that great and I have all this shit on my mind. My life is a fucking movie. Now I just need to figure out how to fix the things I can before the credits roll. I have a feeling this will be a very very very long closing scene and I don't like it. At. All.

xoxo DannDann

Lessons learned

I couldn't have written the last paragraph of my previous blog with better timing. Today brought many new lessons. You will always get hurt the most by the people who are supposed to love you as much as they say they will. You will always get hurt. Period. The people change. The amount of shock changes. The names change. The faces change. The words change. The lies change. The hurt...that stays the same...no...it just gets worse. I hate that almost everyone I am friends with only thinks of themselves. I hate that how selfish people will be is clear to everyone except me. "You can't be Jack, he's already Jack." "Please....him? Him? I would never ditch you like that." Even though that joke was made way too soon considering it just happened TODAY, it's still true.

I can't recall the last time so many people who I thought cared had let me down to such an immense degree. Let's go through shall we? There's four. 1) You are the most genuine. I'm glad you were the one I talked to the most and I'm glad I have the most resolution with you from this. You listen to me. You let me do me. You let me yell at you. You handled it. Nobody else out of the four of you could've, I promise. However, you did, undoubtedly, dissapoint me with this whole situation. I thought you would be the one to say that it was wrong instead of thinking of "other things." I think I overestimated how much you cared. I know you care, but not as much as I thought you did.

2) We probably won't talk much about this, if at all. I don't like that everything you do is one-sided, especially this. I wish you cared about how upset I am. I feel like I would go to the end of the earth for you and this is what I get from you in return. I just don't understand why you all had to lie. I never know what you're thinking. I wish you would just talk to me. I highly doubt you will admit you fucked up...but you did. You all did. I just wish you cared more about how much this affected me.

3) There is no way you would've been able to be there when it happened today. You would've been scared. I don't know what I've done to you in this past week, if anything, but I absolutely cannot fucking stand that you haven't talked to me in almost a week. I don't know what your deal is. I figure that you know that I know, but I wish you would actually fucking talk to me. It used to be me that you would talk to about everything. I guess you don't need me anymore now that I'm gone. That's not what I thought I would be to you. I used to think I actually meant something to you; now I'm not so sure. You avoid things at all costs and run away. I wish you knew how upset I am with you.

4) I wanted to get somewhere when we talked. I feel like you hold back a lot. I am forever frustrated with this because you always tell me not to have a filter, not to hold things back, and yet I somehow am the one who got lied to by you. Those tables turned rather quickly. Out of anyone, you know how much I love you. I make damn sure that you always know that and for you to completely disregard how I feel just really really really hurts me. One second you tell me how much you miss me and how much you love me and how happy I make you and the next you're lying to me for reasons that "well, I don't really know why that happened." Please make up your mind whether you want to keep stepping on my heart or not and let me know so I can know whether or not it's okay for me to love you. I might be the most dissapointed in you in this situation, not necessarily overall, but in this situation, possibly.

I don't like being fucked over by people who are supposed to be closest to me. By people I love. By people I care about. I come home to see you. I come home to be with you. You didn't want to be with me because you were "aggravated" with me or something like that...I'm here for two days out of the week and I'm really starting to wonder whether or not I will be coming home as much anymore. Is it really worth it? I ask that question too much and now I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to stop asking the question, when I am going to be happier, and when I am going to give up on people who keep dissapointing me...people like you.

xoxo DannDann

Let's cross the line

I just got out of the shower about 20 minutes ago and I want to go to bed, however I am not tired. So I figured I would write to figure out what I'm thinking. It's 3:58 AM and all I want to do is write. Go figure.

What do I want? What a question. I want to be happy with everything in my life. This is highly unrealistic, but I can still want it, can't I? I do find myself being happier with certain parts of my life (or certain people rather) than I thought I was and not as happy as I thought I was with others. It's dangerous when I think. So much runs through my mind. I have been trying not to be so dependent on others these past two days. It's been working fairly well. I've also been trying not to take things too seriously, little things. I let a lot of little things get me down to really low points. Little things that people have said that would normally really make me angry, I've just been like "whatever, it's not worth it." I don't know how long this will last, but it has been working, nonetheless.

I'm glad that I got back to my dorm Thursday, even though I was lonely as ever. I enjoyed being on my terms with everything around me. The air. The conversation. The people. The music. I loved being able to control that again. I like to be in control of things. I know this. I don't like when I know that I don't know what is going on. When I don't know a secret (sometimes) or when I don't know what two people are fighting about or some kind of situation like that. I always like to be in control of a situation, not necessarily controlling the situation, but just being conscious of everything going on. I think I am that person who knows "everything" because I like to be (not necessarily the best wording that I could've chosen, but oh well) "in the know" of things. I also talk to the people I want to know about and they trust me, therefore I find out everything or at least hear about it.

I need straight guy friends. I love my guy friends who are gay, don't get me wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I probably love my gay guy friends more than my straight ones and that I'm undoubtedly closer to my gay boys than my straight boys. I really do love
them. They mean the world to me. But I need more straight guy friends. Not even just to consider a relationship with or anything, but just to have as friends. I was talking to Tim about his problems with his girlfriend and I realized how I am not used to straight boys with girl problems at all. But then again, I do want straight guys to be around who I can consider relationships with. I like to hookup and all, it's fun, it's grand, but I kind of want a constant in my life. (If you like math...) I don't like having so many variables, I would rather just have like pi or something. You always know what it is, you know it will always be pi, it's not gonna change and become x when its around y, you know its always gonna be pi. I want someone to love, to laugh with, to cry with, to dance with, to talk to, to smile at, to be with. I want to be with someone.

I have felt less important to certain people and more important to others in this past week. I have reassessed (spelling?) how much I think I mean to people. That wording was confusing. I have been thinking about if people value me as much as I thought they did or as much as they said they did. This past week, I have been in touch mostly with my best friends who I wasn't SUPER close to. I feel like they almost appreciate (word choice?) me more than I thought they did. I love them. I like learning how I feel about people I love. I am using parentheses way too much and I feel like I am an English teacher grading this blog. How silly. Back on topic! Anyway... I'm excited for lunch tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I miss my friends. I'm sure I will tell you all about it. Haha.

Quote of the day - "Let's cross the line" and "I love that we have a distinct us now"

All for now. Goodnight dear.

xoxo DannDann