Follow Your Hunch

So steer yourself any direction you choose!

And oh, the places you'll go!
You're on your own
You know what you know.
Don't worry about
How fast or how slow.
Be certain you step
With caution and tact
Cause life is a great big
Balancing act!
And will you succeed?
You will, yes, indeed!

98 and three quarters percent guaranteed!

We all go through the experiences life puts before us so that we can learn. No matter how much we know or how much we have been through, we will always have something we can learn from, whether it be an action, a choice, a person, or an experience. As long as people keep feeling, everyone else keeps getting affected. Not saying that this is bad, but it's like a chain reaction. I learn in the ways I least expect. Recently, they have not been that great of ways, but in the end, it all turns out for the better. I learn who is there, I learn who I want to be there, and I learn that there is a differnece.

Even though I may fight with someone, the people who really truly care about me know how to show me, and I, in turn, try to show them in my way. If that doesn't work out, I just have to step back, get my shit together, and rearrange it so that everything fits again. There are a few things that need to be fixed in my relationships. I don't want to say many, because I wouldn't believe that. I like that I can be honest with people and they can be honest with me, especially when it's something neither of us want to hear, but something that both of us definitely NEED to hear. Because as much as I hate being "put in my place" every now and then, I need it. You need it too. Everyone does.

Life is a great big balancing act. I'm learning. I think I'm getting a pretty good feel for how I am and for how I am towards others. Some things I want to change, but most things I am content with, and half of the things I want to change involve more than one side. It's just difficult to change your actions without changing the relationship when the actions that fuel your actions are still the same ones that made you act the way you did in the first place. That sentence may be a bit confusing, but I understood it and I have faith in the people who read this, that they will be able to understand it.

I am listening to Suessical, hence the beginning of this blog. I've been wanting to write for a while, like legit write, not like my last blog. I miss writing all the time. I want to try to do that more again. I need to get all my shit together. I only have like a month left of school (AND I'M FUCKING EXCITED). I've decided that Hannah and I will practically live together over the summer. I can't wait for the wedding! Despite the temporary drama that came about by the wedding date, I think everything is going to be fine. Disclaimer - I never wanted anyone to get upset about dates coinciding. I'm sorry if anything I personally did upset someone about it. Dates have been moved so that it can agree with mostly everyone's schedule. PS - on another note about that, if you were invovled and dealt with it civilly, I respect that very much. If you were not or did not deal with it so, I most likely want to punch you in the face. I'm trying to move on, but I am fairly aggravated with a certain handling of the situation. If we've worked it out, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about an unresolved issue, I guess?

Anyway, this blog has been all over the place. I need to go shower and wake up Hannah because we are going to Pancho's today. Well, thank you all for reading...if you did. Follow your hunch...

xoxo DannDann

Back to then

I want to go back to this.
I want to go back to my family of 30 girls in black dresses and pearls.
I want to go back to helping Stassi quick change in Gypsy.
I want to go back to driving to Brother Martin at 7 at night to rehearse a song over and over and over and over and over.
I want to go back to being a Tenor in Pippin.
I want to go back to throwing a snowball at my sister in June.
I want to go back to the boat launch with my twinmate.
I want to go back to putting on red lipstick and purple wings.
I want to go back to that apron and that duster and that office.
I want to go back to taking shots in the kitchen.
I want to go back through that sprinkler the morning after.
I want to go back to stalking Mike behind the piano.
I want to go back to intentions before rehearsal.
I want to go back to being happy.
I want to go back to that time you called and I didn't have to.
I want to go back to that time I held your hair back.
I want to go back to that time I cried at that table before he left.
I want to go back to State Week.
I want to go back to stepping in blue icing.
I want to go back to the Fairy Dwarfmother.
I want to go back to then.

xoxo DannDann

There's a fine, fine line

It amazes how I can be so close to someone and keep the biggest secret from them. It amazes me how that one thing keeps replaying in my head and keeps making me cry and that I have no idea as to why I keep reacting this way. If only you knew. I almost told you this weekend. But I didn't. It would've been stupid of me to do that. It's one thing for me to keep it to myself, but if you ever knew, it would be a whole nother worry that I would never let go of.

When you get to the end of the road and you get out of the car and you stare at the water, it's just you. It's just you and your thoughts. And your emotions. And your tears. And you. Sometimes the overall discontentment outweighs the current happiness. I don't know how to give this up. If I give up, I will eventually be happy on realistic terms. If I give up, I give everything up. You wouldn't know why. I would say that I'm busy, that I don't have time anymore, that nothing's wrong. I'd be lying. "Drama comes from people being not truthful, from people keeping secrets, when people lie." That's playing over in my head, too. My inner response and my outer response were completely opposite.

As much as I want to stop thinking about it, I can't. I don't want to change what it is, I just wish it were how I wanted it to be. "There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got."

xoxo DannDann

Frustration

I am so ready for everything to be done. I always have too much shit to do. I can never enjoy my Tuesdays or Thursdays off because all I can think about is all the shit I have due the next day. I don't like school. I just don't like it. I don't know what the fuck I want to do. I don't know if I fucking NEED to take this stupid fucking midterm in order to SUCCEED in my life. But I do it anyway. I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't want to fucking broadcast. I don't want to watch lectures. I don't want to take classes that I have to take because of the major that I DON'T want anymore and have it bring down my gpa which needs to be a FUCKING 3.7 WHICH IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. And if I don't get the fucking 3.7 I don't get to stay in private dorms next year. Shared dorms. SHARED. I might as well accept that it's going to happen. It's too much fucking work. I know it's Southeastern and I know it's all easy and what the fuck ever. I'm not a school person. I'm smart, but I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck about the Needle Theory and I don't give a fuck about public relations and I don't give a fuck about writing for the mass media. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I REALLY JUST FUCKING DON'T. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT I AM ACTUALLY FUCKING INTERESTED IN.

I don't want to have to work this fucking hard for something I don't even want to do. And when I complain about how difficult it is and how unhappy it makes me, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS. Nobody gets it. I am so incredibly unhappy. THE ONE THING I'm actually TRYING to work on is my fucking happiness. It's a little bit hard to focus on wanting to be happy when everything I HAVE to do is what makes me miserable in the first place. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want to work and make money and be happy and do what I want, without the whole get a degree part. Not even quitting school, just figuring out what the FUCK I want to do and actually doing it. Not having school be such a fucking burden and actually WANTING to learn about the things I have to learn about. I WANT TO BE INTERESTED. I WANT TO LIKE WHAT I DO.

I'm so ready for all this shit to be over. I just want someone to listen. I just want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to enjoy it. I didn't think that was too fucking much to expect, but apparently I was wrong.

xoxo DannDann

Hammond

I underestimate how much I love my Hammond friends. I need to hang out with them more. And crowhop.

Oh my fuck. Tonight was awesome. Yes, tonight. I JUST got into my dorm. It's 5:51 AM. I fucking love them. Details later.

xoxo DannDann

See, I'm Smiling

I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday or the day before or the week before or the month before. I just want to know why everything is the way it is. Why you're not there, why I love you, why I'm scared, why you don't care, I just want to know why. I want reasons. I want answers. I don't have them. Everyone thinks I will always know what to do in situations, and for the most part I do, but everyone breaks. Everyone has cracks in their foundation whether everyone else can see them or not.

I just want to be able to understand why reality is the exact opposite of what I want it to be. We're supposed to fight our battles and get over them and move on. We're supposed to give legitimate reasons for the way we feel. You'll never know. You think you will and I will tell you that you're right, but you're not and I'm way too vulnerable to tell you that you're wrong in fear that you will guess again and then you'll guess the right thing eventually after guessing every single fucking wrong answer you could possibly guess. And when you get it right, I will be devastated, unbearably devastated, because that will be the moment that reality hits me in the face and says FUCK YOU because NOTHING will EVER be what I want it to be.

And just when I think I'll get over it...just when I think about how I'm going to be okay...just when it seems to be alright, I'm constantly reassured that it's not, that nothing will change, that I will be just as miserable as I was the day before and that I still will never tell anyone how I'm feeling. But I'm always open and everyone knows how I feel and people can read me perfectly and its easy to always see when I'm upset and it's always clear why I'm upset and everyone just always knows everything I'm thinking...right? Wrong.

I just hate knowing that I will never get what I really want, what I know could really make me happy. And nobody knows, nobody can know. I couldn't tell anyone if I wanted to. And I don't want to, so I guess that's the only easy part about this is not telling people. It's almost impossible to be on your A Game with me anymore because you don't even know what I'm thinking and what I want and who is important to me. None of you know how I'm feeling. Everyone knows me so fucking well and inside and out, right? RIGHT? YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't. You have no idea how much this kills me. And you never will. But it's okay because I guess I'm not asking you to know.

xoxo DannDann

TAKE A BREAK!

So it's noon on Mardi Gras Day and instead of being at a parade, I'm sitting on my living room sofa with my leg propped in the air. So let me tell you what happened last night. One substance + a lot of another substance = Camille's bathroom floor. After I could stand, we left Camille's and I fell and sprained my ankle, yes the same ankle I always sprain. Fanfuckingtastic. Mardi Gras is always completely different than I expect it to be. And I always have good parades and bad parades.

Junior year - Endymion was bad. Bacchus was amazing. Senior year - Endymion was amazing. Bacchus was really really really bad. This year - Endymion was pretty chill. Me and Hannah had an adventure into a woman's house. We're twenty-one, remember? It was fun. Then Bacchus, I got kinda drunk, you could say that. BONJOUR! Haha. Yes. Olivia was with me, so I was really happy about that. I had my two favorite ladies with me. Lil Mayo and Lil Stutter. Haha. I died. Then last night we didn't even really see the parade. I saw like everyone that I knew though. I saw Dana and Jen. It made me really happy to see them. I miss them a lot. Awwww. I was so happy to see them. Then everything happened that I already mentioned. Then Kaleb bought me Taco Bell. I love him so much. Hahaha. Then we came back to my house and ate and cuddled and napped. It was cute.

I don't know whether I'm going back to school tomorrow or Thursday. I think I might end up going up tomorrow. I might go up on Thursday though. I think I will go up on Thursday instead so I can hang out with Hannah Wednesday and Thursday if she can. I miss everyone so much. It gets harder and harder when I'm at school. I still don't have anyone that I'm real close to up there. Like I'm close to Dana and Jen and Ashley, but it's not like with everyone here. I miss it a lot. Especially since Kaylen isn't here anymore, it's really hard for me to deal with. I don't tell anyone that. I tell everyone I miss them, but it's not like I'm just saying the words to say them. I really mean them. I can genuinely miss people after not seeing them for a day. It's strange.

I love Mardi Gras though, I really do. It makes me happy. It's just so crazy and loud and fun. It's a big party. I like it. New Orleans is a big party. New York City may be the city that never sleeps, but New Orleans is the city that never shuts the fuck up. My sister says that all the time. I love it because it's so true. Haha. I hope these next three days are chill. Then I come home Friday again and I get to see Brycie on Saturday. I'm too excited for that. I haven't stopped talking about it for the past two weeks.

I'm kind of okay with where I am right now. Well as far as everyone should be concerned, I'm fairly okay with all of the things that everyone knows about. The other things that people don't know about, not so much, but then again, that's why people don't know them. Silliness. But other than that I'm alright. I'm just chill. I don't want to party the rest of the week. When Bryce comes in, I'm down, but before then, I just kind of want to take a break. TAKE A BREAK. WELL THEN TAKE ANOTHER ONE. Oh fuck, that shit was too fucking funny. Happy Mardi Gras, everyone!

xoxo DannDann