When you wish upon a star...

So I've been in the library for over two hours and I'm just frustrated. I'm just really fucking frustrated. And I don't know why. So I figured, I would just vent at my blog before I went back to my room to watch Glee.

I've been trying and trying and fucking trying for a month now to get my school life back on track. I've ONLY skipped once in almost five weeks. That's a pretty fucking big accomplishment if you ask me. I'm turning in everything on time, I'm doing my homework, I'm making flashcards, I'm typing my notes, I'm studying. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do as a good student...so why am I not seeing a dramatic shoot up in my grades? I know that I waited for the last two months of school to actually give a fuck. And I know that's a stupid idea. I know how much I'm doing and I know how it's about a million percent more than what I did the beginning of this semester or all of last year, and I know it's hard work and I know it will pay off eventually. But I'm not seeing it pay off yet and it's just really difficult to put forth so much FUCKING effort and not really see anything yet.

Also, I feel very out of place. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the library. I don't belong in my dorm. I don't belong in my house. I don't belong anywhere. I don't know where I belong and that, in itself, is frustrating. Not just the fact that I can't find the place that I'm looking for, but that I can't find a place at all. And THAT is aggaravating. Sometimes I really just wish I had my car and I could just drive. Just drive to some place that would feel...right. I just want to be somewhere where my best IS good enough, where my hard work DOES pay off, where I am APPRECIATED. I just want to find that place. So fucking bad.

I'm just so frustrated and so unhappy. And everyone, including myself, has too many things to do to really try to fix it. The majority of my friends don't keep in touch with each other anymore. I hate that. I wish things were back to the way they used to be. I wish we all still needed each other. I wish we all still wanted to need each other. I wish for a lot of things. Guess there's just a lack of stars lately...

xoxo DannDann

Warmth

So it's really cold
in my room.
Really cold.
And I have this
Bag of chocolate.
And it gets
really hard especially
now during the
colder days.
So when I take
out a piece of
chocolate, I put
it on top of my
iPod dock and
it melts it a
little bit.
I just thought it
would be something
you would want to
know one day when
you were feeling blue.
Just think about the
electric current
warming some
chocolate and
making it that much
more enjoyable.

You learn something new everyday =]

xoxo DannDann

JAMZ.

I'm a SMOOTH CRIMINAL and I want you to HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME. EVERYBODY BACKSTREET'S BACK. You know what else is back? The BLACK AND GOLD. They are BULLETPROOF right now, yo. Don't eat too much or you might POP. Then you'll be NUMB and never want an ENCORE. So HERE WE GO AGAIN... WHY NOT just MMMBOP? OOPS I DID IT AGAIN, I asked him to KISS ME and now I'm BLEEDING LOVE. I might've been a JUMPER if it weren't for STACY'S MOM, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT... Then I asked her to SAY MY NAME. Now I'm living the LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

This is why Hannah Claire and I are best friends. End of story. Period.

xoxo DannDann

Pool of wine

Things are becoming more stressful than I anticipated. Not skipping class for three weeks is really paying off. For example: today on my Biology test, I studied the notes for about an hour and a half today. It was all really confusing stuff, so I'm not sure how I did. I didn't make an A. With a prayer, I made a B. But I'm aiming for a C. But at least four of five questions on the test were from things that we went over in class - things that didn't even relate to biology. One question was about a violin. One was about an example he made up about mountains. Had I not gone to class, I would not have known that we don't have algae in Louisiana because we don't have rocks. So I'm definitely going to try to not skip next week and have it be a whole month of not skipping class. I'm doing really well.

I actually did my rough draft of my paper for its due date in English. For the first time in a long time. It was horrible and it was exactly what it was supposed to be - a ROUGH draft. But it was done nonetheless. I would rather get a 22/30 than a 0/30. So I did it. I've been catching up with everything, but I'm still worried about my GPA. The lowest I can get the semester, with hopes to get my scholarship back, is a 3.2. My personal goal is a 3.5. That's two A's and two B's. Right now I have a C in Biology, a C in English, a B in theatre, and a B in political science. I need to bring everything one letter grade. I don't know if I can bring up Biology and poli sci though. I might be able to bring up Biology, but it's really hard. Science has always been my worst subject. Ughhh. Enough about school...

So I talked to Olivia last night for the first time in three weeks. She had bigs news. So she tells me what's going on in her life and, for the first time in the history of Olivia and I's friendship, I got worried. It's so strange. I've never been worried about Olivia before in my entire life. She is the person I treat most like an equal. If anyone out of the majority of my close friends had the same situation, I know I would be like, "This is a bad idea and you're going to fuck yourself over" because the majority of my friends are like my "kids". I've never had to worry about her before. I've never been so quiet. She could tell I was thinking something, but she didn't know what since I wasn't saying anything. Fuck, I still don't even know what I'm thinking about it. When I hung up with her I just started bawling crying. Couldn't stop. And when I finally did stop, I would randomly get a text message from someone that would say "I miss you." I got about four of those. And I would just start crying again. I was a big ball of tears. I didn't even want to do anything but sleep. So that's exactly what I did. I slept 8 hours.

I haven't talked to anyone lately and I'm not as upset as I should be...not as I thought I would be, as I SHOULD BE. I know myself too well to think that maybe I just overestimated how much I need people. Because I didn't overestimate it. I know that I need people. I know that I am extremely socially dependent. I didn't even want to talk to anyone last night, when I was upset, and usually it's the exact opposite. Something is wrong with me, and it's not what is "usually" wrong. There are a lot of things that are "usually" wrong with me. But this is just weird. This isn't how I react, this isn't how I work. I just feel so out of it, so confused, so worried, and I don't even know why. All I know is that it's strange and I don't like not knowing how things work, especially when that thing is myself.

I don't know what to think about it. And I don't like that.

xoxo DannDann

Do you want to?

You know what's dumb? I'm afraid to be fearless. When people establish or acknowledge their fears, they build a wall to try and protect themselves from it. I can't imagine what it would be like to be fearless, because, to me, in essence, being fearless is being vulnerable. I have become too broken to even think about how shattered I would be if I wasn't afraid of being hurt.

I've been thinking about high school a lot today. I got myself to where I am today. I make sure I know at least 80% of the people in room and I make sure I'm not afraid to talk to people that I don't know or that I don't know well. But I still question everything and everyone because of who I was in high school. People made fun of me. A lot. Stupid people. People that shouldn't and don't matter. I'm not going to say I was friends with everyone, but I knew everyone. I like to always know someone whether or not they like me. To question the genuity of every single person you've met for five years takes its toll. It makes me wonder who will be there today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. Ever wonder why I'm so socially dependent? Because I can't trust myself to trust people and believe that they will be there, because there is a huge as hell chance that they won't be. It's a personal problem. But it's a problem nonetheless.

People don't understand what it's like to not be able to trust anyone but one person. When I tell you I trust you I mean it, but I only mean it as much as I can. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to anyone. But you can't understand it. Ever wonder why I always ask people if they are mad at me? Because I can't trust their first answer of "no" because it's usually a lie. Ever wonder why I always have to keep in touch with everyone? Because I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared to be lost by someone I need, someone who doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about them.

Everytime someone stops believing in fairies, a fairy dies, right? So what happens when people stop believing in people? The people don't die. So what happens? Something dies. Trust. Love. Stability. Communication. Strength. Something dies. I feel like a lot of pieces of me are dying, little by little, and I can't do anything to control it. I need to be reassured that I exist. Not just that you love me or that you miss me or that you care about me, but that you want to. What good is doing something if you don't want to do it? Especially when it involves someone more than yourself. It's not like homework. Because at the end of the day, you're homework won't give a fuck if you're not committed to it like you say you will be. I will care. I'm not homework. I'm not an algebra problem. I'm not a paper on a scenic designer. I'm not flashcards on microbiology. I'm not memorization of the ammendments. I'm a person. I'm Dani. I feel and I love and I hurt and I laugh and I cry and I feel sorry for myself sometimes. Just like you. I just feel like a lot of people forget that I'm just like them. That a little bit of somebody is like a little bit of everybody else.

We're all human. We all want to be loved. We all want someone to want to love us and to want us to know it. We all want to be happy. And sometimes we don't know how to do that and we need someone to help us figure it out. But nobody helps. Because nobody wants to. Do you want to?

xoxo DannDann

Words.

Why can't I get my thoughts out into words? What the fuck is happening to me? Ugh. I do not like this. I just want to know what I'm thinking. And it's weird that I don't.

xoxo DannDann

You build fences for one of two reasons: to keep people out or to keep people in.

xoxo DannDann