Me vs You

I know that everything I want to write tonight will end up offending someone. So I'm not writing it. And I hate that. This is my fucking blog. When did I become so concerned with not telling the truth in order to make other people happy? Why is it coming back? Why am I so afraid to lose people? If I say what I feel, you will lose respect for me, you will treat me differently. You already are. And then I will lose you. And I don't want that. I'm relapsing. I know I'm relapsing. And it's terrifying. I've never been as scared of something as I am of being who I used to be.

It's so frustrating to come such a long fucking way. To know what it feels like to be happy. To rely on nothing but yourself and to love that. To say how you feel and never apologize for it. And now... I've turned myself upside down. And why? For you.

Not for me.

I automatically feel like I have to distance myself from you. And I also instantly realize that I care about this situation a lot more than I thought I did. I thought I was okay with it. I was wrong. Correction, I was wrong about you. But, you were wrong about yourself, too. You're different. You're very different. I pick up on so many little things that people do that it is nearly impossible for me to not notice your differences.

I have a theory that people aren't happy. Society, as a whole, is miserable. But everyone is so fucking prideful and oblivious and afraid to admit to themselves that they have problems, so they never realize it. Vices. You do it because it's fun or relaxing or it makes everything pretty. Shut up. You should be your only vice. You should be the only thing you need to make yourself feel better or calm down or chill the fuck out or be happier. Something's wrong. And you won't tell me. And you don't even know it, yourself. You're a runner. I could never tell you that. You're running so fast. And you're shutting me out. And I see it. And you don't. And it kills me. But I can't fucking help you because you don't want to be helped, you don't know you need to be helped.

And you see what I just did? I put me helping you before me helping myself. I need to help myself. If you have a problem that you don't want to face and if you want to run for the rest of your fucking life and if you want to shut me out, fine. Fucking go ahead. Not ONCE have I acted like I'm not your fucking friend or like I won't always be there. Not once have I acted like a fucking idiot, so don't talk to me like I am. Do NOT put yourself above me. Do NOT act like I'm just some random fucking person. Act like I matter. Act like I'm important. Because I fucking am. I am a goddamn fantastic person and a great friend and for YOU to put your ignorance and your fucking stubbornness ahead of that - fuck you. You will NOT treat me like her. You will NOT talk to me like it's a fucking chore. And you will most certainly NOT tell me something without meaning it. I'm not asking you to fucking marry me. I'm asking you to tell me hello. I'm asking you to not throw it away. I'm asking you to realize that you have so fucking much to learn. And I'm telling you to not get ahead of yourself.

And I'm asking myself to stick up for what I feel. And I'm trying to. But it's so damn hard. I fucking hate getting to know people. I know that sounds so stupid. But I hate caring about people because it makes sticking up for yourself so difficult because you don't want to lose them. I'm not fucking sucking you in, dude. I'm just fucking saying that I love you. I'm just saying that I love myself enough to be myself. I'm just saying that I love you enough to hurt your feelings by being honest. And I'm just asking you to not put me in a position where I can't do that. Stop pushing me away. Stop running. You're not getting anywhere. And if you keep pulling this shit, you never will.

xoxo DannDann

Someone will.

Standing on your own is a lot harder than you think it would be. You always have to try. You can't ever stop.

In order to be happy, you have to make a conscious effort to do so every single day. Just like recovering from an addiction, depression will creep back into your life the very second you stop trying to fight it. Then the question is raised - is the lifelong fight worth it? For me, the answer is yes. You can't just stop trying. You can't just fucking give up. Because if you do give up, you're fucked. There's no nice or simple way to put it. "Because then you'll dissapoint yourself" or "because then you let yourself down"... no... because then YOU ARE FUCKED.

If you let something beat you because YOU stopped fighting, then you deserved to lose. You can't be a charity case. Everyone has problems. Everyone has addictions (whether chemical or not). Everyone has issues. You make YOURSELF a charity case. And that is so fucking pointless. Stop complaining. Hypocrital, yes, for I, myself, am complaining. Tonight I told someone "Stop whining" and their response was "I'm good at it." Now, you see, I know this was a joke. But thinking about it, there are a lot of people who say that and are serious. What a horrible thing to be good at. Get a fucking hobby. Jesus.

People bother me because they worry about so much stupid shit. Having lost a good friend in the past week, it makes me realize how unimportant so many things are. Because honestly, not being 100% off book for my show on the first night of off book or thinking that someone doesn't like me or the fact that I slept through my first class or always just being the friend or wanting to smoke or being out of cigarettes - none of it fucking matters. I'm alive. I always used to say that my friends were my #1 priority. Then next it was school. Then finally it was myself. People need to stop being so fucking concerned with all of this shit. All of this temporary bullshit. Because you're #1 priority should be yourself or to live. Because until you die, all you have is yourself and your life. Don't spend your time doing anything but living. Don't fucking worry about things that won't matter within the next 7 days because you might fucking die tomorrow. Because whether or not YOU die tomorrow, someone will. Someone will never get to graduate college. Someone will never get to have a family. Someone will never get to live for themselves. So you should. Live for you while you can. Keep fighting while you can.



Because the second you stop fighting, you're putting yourself in your own grave. You're making yourself miserable. You can do something about it. So fucking do it. Try. Care. Fucking love yourself. And let people love you. Because you never fucking know when you won't be able to anymore.

RIP Jordan Gugliuzza

xoxo DannDann

Thanks to Hoopes

I want a guitar. And I want to learn how to play. I wonder if my aunt will buy me one for my 21st birthday. Hope so.

Consider myself inspired.

xoxo DannDann

Exhausted

I hate going home all the time. Oh, bold statement, me being honest, what a fucking shock. It is so fucking stupid sometimes. Having gone home every weekend for the past two months makes me realize why I stayed up in Hammond so much at the end of last semester and over Christmas break. I never have concrete plans up here, but I never fucking need them. We always make time for each other at school. I come home and it's a whole bunch of shit that I don't want to put up with. If you want to make plans with me, fucking make plans with me. If you don't, then fucking let me know so I stop trying to get in touch with you. It's not that hard. Everyone always sits around and complains about how no one includes them. Wah wah wah wah wah. Shut the fuck up. How do you think I feel when I'm an hour away and then people fucking get mad at me because I don't want to come home when I'm exhausted and have been in rehearsal constantly and still behind in school?

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love seeing people, but I fucking HATE feeling like I'm forcing people to see me. I just want me time. AND... when I don't come home everyone gets all whiney, "Why aren't you coming home" and "Oh, I miss you so much!" and "Awww I wish we could hang out, call me when you get in town." And then I DO call. And no one answers and everyone is already busy. And I'm just so tired of adjusting to everyone's fucking schedules all the fucking time. You either make time to see me or you don't. Don't leave me hanging. No is no. Yes is yes. If I can't see you, it's fine, but then don't tell me you want to fucking see me if you don't do anything about it.

I am aggravated. I am sore. I am so fucking tired. I have so much homework to do. And all I want to do is fucking write and cry.

I need better things in my life. This is just too fucking exhausting.

xoxo DannDann

Life lessons

Life lessons I've learned:

1. You will never be prepared.
Life doesn't come with instructions or a helmet or a big band-aid. Life is a head on collision with anything and everything that you could possibly imagine and, most likely, full of things you've never even thought of. You never really think you're going to be heartbroken or that you're going to be fucked financially or that you'll let people down. You weren't prepared. You won't ever be. "No one said it would be this hard." Well then you talked to someone who has been lying to you. You won't be able to shield yourself from anything - but the good part is that you're going to learn a fuckload of lessons. You're going to learn that you can't run from your problems, because no matter how far you run, they will still be there. You might not be prepared for those problems, but you're going to have to deal with them.

2. There is always laundry to be done.
Physical and metaphorical. You're going to have to sort through everything, make sure it all gets turned right side out (one by one), make sure you have detergent, and figure out which cycle to put the machine on. And laundry isn't a task to be started with no intention of completion. You can't try to clean your clothes and then give up, because then you just have a big pile of wet clothes. You have to follow up with your laundry. You have to put it in the dryer, use fabric softener sheet, hang it up, and fold it. You can't forget about your laundry. You can't stop doing your laundry once you've started, because if you do, you have to start it all over again - making it that much harder for yourself and realizing that you should've just cleaned your clothes in the first place. Always do your laundry, don't let it pile up. And at all costs avoid dry cleaning unless absolutely necessary. Other people can't sort out your laundry, if you can't.

3. Bottles are for liquid.
Bottles are for liquid, not emotion. Don't hold your feelings in. You've heard that once or twice or a thousand times before, I know. But people will keep saying it until you do it. I don't give a single fuck if you're introverted or if you're not social or if you don't trust someone - do something with your feelings. Write it, sing it, speak it. Do something. The only thing you should bottle is Coke. Unless you are filled with Coke and you, yourself, are a metaphorical bottle, you have no excuse. Don't be afraid to let it out.

4. Fear nothing.
With the exception of roaches. I have yet to understand why people are so afraid of everything. "I don't want to trust someone." Why? "Because I don't want to get hurt." Why? "Because I don't want to get hurt." So what if you get hurt? So what? You get back up and you keep on going. You can't escape pain. You can't escape death. You can't escape some really shitty things in this world, so there's no use fearing them and running from them. Why run from something that can't and definitely won't run from you? Instead of exhausting yourself running from it, turn around, face it straight on and say "FUCK YOU. YOU WANNA GO? LET'S GO." Don't be afraid of things going badly, because they will. You can't beat the system, so stop being afraid of it. It is going to happen, whether you like it or not. So just let it happen and conquer it, overcome it, make it your bitch, and keep on trucking.

5. Get help.
If your car breaks down and you don't know how to fix it, what do you do? Well you aren't just going to sit in your home for weeks at a time waiting for it to magically start working again. You're going to bring it into Firestone and get it looked at. If you break and you don't know how to fix it, do something about it. Don't just sit there and accept that you're fucked up. Don't get me wrong. We will ALL be fucked up for our entire lives in some way shape or form. There WILL be some things that you just can't fix, no matter how hard you try. But, honestly, there are a lot more things that CAN be fixed in comparison to the things that CAN'T be. You just have to want to fix those things, you just have to try to fix those things. Go to a therapist. Go to a doctor. I absolutely cannot stand when people complain about how miserable and unhappy they are when they REFUSE to go to a therapist or a doctor or take their medicine. You have the means to get better, you just choose not to because you want to do it on your own... and sometimes you just fucking can't. As much as you hate having to depend on something else to help you stabilize your life... sometimes you just can't. Don't waste your life unhappily when you can do something about it. Don't be too stubborn and too prideful to get help, because, as much as you may want to say you did it on your own, you might not be able to. You start riding a bike on training wheels. You can't start riding a bike on your own. You can finish it on your own, but you sure as hell can't start it.

6. Meet as many people as you possibly can.
Every single person you meet will teach you something, whether it be about them, about yourself, about your reactions, about the weather forecast for the day, or about some crazy Asian tradition. You will learn so much throughout your life if you just let yourself learn. Open your ears. Open your eyes. Open your mind. People will teach you so fucking much, it is unbelievable. Shitty people will help you become weaker and then subsequently will help you figure out how to strengthen yourself up again. Great people will teach you how to laugh and how to love and how to enjoy your life. Of course, you will encounter the people who don't matter to you in the long run, but you will learn something from them - no matter how small - you will learn. Open up. You won't regret it. And if you're afraid of opening up... see #4.

7. Write.
I haven't written something meaningful in a really long time. I'm really glad I did. Writing has been my outlet for as long as I can remember. Before theatre. Before singing. Even if you completely disregard my advice about fearing nothing, writing is still perfect. When you write, you can't get hurt. When you write, no one will invade your canvas - unless you tell them to. When you write, it's just you and some paper or a keyboard and you don't have to abide by anyone's rules or regulations. When you write, you don't have to stop and think about anything because all you're doing is feeling. When you write, you let go, you say the things you're afraid to say out loud, you cry, you laugh, you smile, you just escape. When you write, you're true to yourself because you don't have to be true to anyone else. When I write, not only do I tell the world how I feel, but, more importantly, I tell myself. It's crazy what you realize when you write. I really couldn't even tell you anything I've typed so far... because I just let go. You should too.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo DannDann

OPENING NIGHT!

Hello, blogging world. It's been a while... but isn't it always? I have about ten minutes before I have to run to class, so I figured I would write a little bit.

Speaking of class, I'm kind of failing in school. I dropped one of my Ed classes about a month ago. I'm struggling to get my Sped hours or actually, I'm struggling to get a C in that class. I'm doing well in Acting and Ed Psych. Really well, actually. I'm kind of getting my shit together in English (- this coming from the girl who hasn't started the research paper that was due on Thursday). But mainly Sped is my hard class right now. A whole bunch of bullshit.

But the biggest edition to my life this semester is... being happy. I am really and truly satisfied with where I am right now. With the exception of school, I've never felt this good for this long. I have the most amazing friends, at home AND at school. They all like each other (for the most part) and I'm in a show. And I'm the lead. We open tonight. I can't wait. Everyone from home is coming to see it on Friday. I will hopefully blow everyone away. (Fingers crossed) That is the thirs time I've used parentheses in this blog. I'm over it. You're over it. We all scream for ice cream.

But for reals, I need to get my shit together with school. I get really jealous of people who type with the correct typing fingers. I only type with my two index fingers and two middle fingers. I don't even use my left middle that much. It's something that's always bothered me - not typing with the correct fingers. But I can still type very quickly and efficiently. You learn something new every day, right? Well, I'm off to class.

Twas nice writing again... hope to catch you soon. Thanks for listening.

xoxo DannDann

Summer realizations

Current jam - "I Still Wonder" by Joseph Birdsong.

And thus begins a new semester. I haven't blogged all summer, I think. I've been busy as fuck. And I've loved it. This summer has taught me a lot. Lots of laughs, tears, lessons, and fun all bundled up into three months and I wouldn't change a goddamn thing. I saw people's true colors. Some were gorgus, some were vile. But I'm adjusting to all of them. Why make a big deal over people that won't matter when all you have to do is walk away and cut the ties that you need to cut? I know that sounds really fucking pessimistic. But I don't need to make a big deal about cutting people out who only care about themselves. Unnecessaary drama = lame. I'm not that person anymore. My therapist has helped me sort out a whole bunch of shit. Thank Christ. Love her. Her = my therapist....not....Christ....

This semester is going to be craaaaaaaaaaazy. I have to try to memorize a monologue in basically one day. I had my second audition today. I have to get 35 hours of field experience for education. I'm taking three education classes, and english class, an acting class, and library science. My roommate, Erika, and I are getting along really well. Definitely one of the best ones I've had. Other than Ashley, of course.

Shit, I just got really tired. This entry is not that great. And that's okay. =] Peace out, bitches.

xoxo DannDann