Do it for the now

Casi Landix. What a nut. Your blog made me think a bajillion things. It's true though. I'm always worried about change and I'm always worried that I will lose the good things I have surrounded myself with. But honestly, so the fuck what? What if I lose them? Then I either find a way to get them back or I move on. That's what I was afraid of when I left for college. I was afraid that everything was going to change. That the "good" that I had come to know and love for so long was going to be different. And it was. It all changed. And I find myself here, again, worried that it won't last this time either.

But when I think about that, when I think about how I don't want it to happen again... I think about where I am now. How afraid I was about all of this change, how I hated it when it hit me, how bad it hurt when I lost the people I loved, and most importantly, how I overcame it all. Yeah things changed, and yeah I like how they are now, but the point is that they changed and that I moved on and that I'm back in an even better state now. We know each other, more than ever, and we've all been through our fair share of drama and fights and bullshit. What it comes down to is that we still have each other. No matter what changes happened, and no matter how different we are, we are still "us". Granted, it is a different "us" than it was before, but it will always be. Things will always be different the next day, the next week, the next month, the next something. Things won't stay the same. And that's okay.

Whether we want to accept that or not, it's really honestly what it is. You can either hold on to all of the hurt that you aquired or all of the "what was" or you can focus on how good things are or how good they can be. I have been thinking about the "what was" lately and I have been so extremely happy that things have all worked out for the best, but I have undoubtedly been thinking about how bad they were and how I don't want them to be there. But why should I keep thinking about it when I can just be in the now and make sure that it's not going to end up like that? Why spend your life worrying when you can spend it looking forward to the next minutes that you don't want to miss? Why worry when it already happened? You can't change it. Sure, you got hurt and you don't want to get hurt again, but try. Just try to move on. Surround yourself with the people that make you happy (regardless of the past that comes along with them).

Granted, you have to watch yourself to make sure you don't get hurt, but don't let it consume you. I've let it consume me these past three months. I'm just ready to be "us" again. And we are "us" again and I love that. This weekend, if anything, proved to me that we are "us" again. I liked where we began, I hated where we went, and I love where we are. So why waste my time thinking about like and hate, when I know that what I got right now is love? Just fuck the rest and do it for the now. Do it for yourself. Do it because, honestly...it's the only thing you can control.

xoxo DannDann

We Are Fucking Good

These past three days have given me so many things to think about. I'm supposed to want to spend time with my family, I'm supposed to want to sit down to dinner with them, I'm supposed to ignore my phone when I'm with my relatives. I'm supposed to do a lot of things that I don't do.

All I've wanted to do the past three days is be with my friends...which I did. And there's no way in the entire world that I could've been happier with it...right? I'm scared to talk about the past. It makes me nervous. I don't know if bringing up the old good times is too much and I don't know if bringing up the bad times is allowed. I want to tell people how I'm still really worried that it will all happen again, but I also want to tell people how happy I am that it has come out to be what it is right now.

I am astonished as to how things have changed in the past three months. Going from excellent to horrible to perfect. To perfect, right? I don't understand how my brain can think about so many things at one time, how it can always be overflowing with thoughts and finds a way to still fit more, how it can get so frustrated, how it can keep itself contained. I want to live in the moment, but I can't help but to wonder what happens now, or over break, or in 3 months, or over the summer, or next year, or the year after that... I can't help but wonder how things will change, how people will change, or maybe how people will not change.

As much as a lot of us have changed, a couple of us haven't changed at all, even if I thought they had. I don't know if I should just stop trying completely to figure out a couple of people. I want reassurance, really. Honestly, that's what I want - reassurance and stability. And happiness. I think the first two are the only ones that I can be helped with. The happiness thing is all me. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been happy. Granted, I have been extremely happy with the way relationships have mended themselves (especially as of last night with two people), but I'm just not happy as a person. It's been like this for a while.

Can I be real honest for a second? I'm that person who forgives, but doesn't forget. I will never forget that you said that. You don't even know that I know that you said it. I forgive you now, and I know it's different now, and I know we're good now, and I know you love me. But I know you said it. I never knew it was that bad. I never knew it was bad until it was that bad. I miss you. So much. I love you. I know we;re a lot better and I know you love me because you show it now and you tell me, but I just can't for the life of me understand what I did. I don't know how you could have honestly felt that way about me when we were so inseperably close. I don't know when it started. I don't know how it started. I know where we are and I know that's what matters, but I still think about what you said every day of my life.

However, as unhappy as I may be within myself (having very little to do with anyone else), you all have made me so happy. Please just know that. The fact that you all want to see me more than you did right after I left for school, I think it's funny, and I love it. I love that you all want to see me. And I love that I can turn down my Hammond friends because I have plans with y'all every night I'm here. It's good to know that everything worked out, that I'm worth it for you all. After everything happened, I didn't know who I would be okay with. I was so scared that I would lose all of you and that was not something I wanted at all. I'm so glad that we worked through all of the bullshit, whatever the reasons were. I know it's behind us and I'm so glad that we have all realized how happy we are with each other. At least, that's what I think happened. Haha. I wouldn't rather call anyone else my friends. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you all.

Me - If I say "don't" do you know what I'm referring to?
Kaleb - Yes.
Me - Okay.
Kaleb - Why?
Me - Really?
Kaleb - Seriously, why?
Me - Nevermind, it's whatever.
Kaleb - Because if I said yes, would it make me from the same womb?
Me - Yes...We are fucking good.

xoxo DannDann

HAPPY Thanksgiving, right?

Thanksgiving - a day that is customarily spent with family where everyone is thankful for each other, good health, a happy home, and blah blah blah.

Well at least that's what normal people do. I'm not normal. My family is not normal. How can I be thankful for a sibling who I can't stand to be around for more than 20 minutes? I really wish she hadn't come in town for the holidays. She's supposed to be staying in Mississippi for Christmas break. I really hope she does. Last night, she drove me fucking insane. I really am done with trying to be nice to her and trying to let her in my life. Just because you're my sister - it doesn't mean that I have to like you, care about you, or give a fuck about anything you do.

Whatever. I just want to be with the rest of my family and my friends. Other than that, I kind of want to be back in Hammond. Is that horrible of me? I want to go back to Hammond and sit in Dana's big pink chair and laugh at her and Jen. I don't want to study or anything, I just want to be back there. Granted, I want to be with people here, but I'm coming back in two weeks for a whole month. And I'm coming back next weekend, too. There will be plenty enough of me for a while.

I just hate being in my house, having my sister here, and having my mother make me do everything because she doesn't know how to deal with my sister. I really hope the movies works out tonight. I need my people. I need my sanity. I need to get away from these fucking people.

xoxo DannDann

I wish you hadn't come into my life. I wish I had never met you. The things you make me think drive me crazy. You drive me absolutely crazy. I can't have you. I can't be around you. It's impossible. You're impossible. I'm impossible. No one has ever made me wish I were so different. No one has ever made me so frustrated. No one has ever made me so jealous. No one has ever made me so absolutely insane. I can't deal with you and all that you make me think. I can't be honest with you, but I don't know how to lie to you. I never asked for someone like this. I never asked for the most impossible emotions. I didn't want this. I didn't want you. I hate that you make me question everything I've ever known. I hate that I know you. I hate that I can't get it the way I want. I hate that I can't change either of us. I hate that you do this to me. I hate that you don't know. I hate that I can't win. I hate that I want you. I hate that I need you. I hate that I absolutely completely undeniably love you.

"Cancer and alcoholism...it's a way of life"

My head hurts really bad right now. I'm not hungover anymore. I wasn't that hungover to begin with. Last night was the fourth time in 5 days that I've been drunk. It's unhealthy. It's silly. I kind of like it. It makes me laugh. I should take it more seriously, but I do not, not indeed. No, no, Rene.

I like having serious conversations when I'm drunk. Thursday it was with Jen and Dana and last night it was with Jody. I think I'm good with everyone right now. I really like that. I was stressing out a lot yesterday when I was at dinner. Secret: I really know what's wrong. Too many things are wrong. None of them are really major, but they are just kind of concerns that I have I guess. I kept saying that I didn't know and, really, I was just kind of confused as to why I was so upset about so many little things, but I knew all along what they are. I didn't even tell Cameron what they were when I was on the phone with him. I miss him so much. Three weeks and I will undoubtedly cry when I see him. You don't even know. At all.

My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's because I'm still full or if I'm hungry. We are going to see the NOCCA show tonight. I'm so excited. I really like what I'm wearing. It's cute. It's a blue sweater and a dark gray skirt. It's very cute. Oh my God I haven't heard this song in a long time. Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Listen to it. It's beautiful. Last night was fun. I'm glad I got drunk with Katie (and Jody and Casi as well). Casi kept crying. We peed on some person's house. Jody gave her a hat that he found on the ground. Katie got picked up on by a 22-year-old black guy. It was an interesting night. How silly. I had a lot of fun.

*insert the title of this post*

xoxo DannDann

I just looked at all of the pictures in the scrollboxes on my Myspace. Oh the memories. It's funny. As much as I loved how good things were and as much as I miss it all, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would much rather be here, in the heart of my relationships, having been up and down, in and out, and all over the place. I would much rather know everyone the way I know them now, good and bad. Granted, I want to be happy, and I was happy then, but I'm happy now (even though it may be a different kind of happy). I love that I am here and not where I was. I miss it, though. I really do.

But I love knowing what and who I know. I would rather be here after a million fights with you and a million tears and a million laughs and still be here and strong and knowing that we made it. I would much rather be here. Those times were good and I loved them, I still do. But putting those pictures up on my wall last night made me realize how far everything went and how far it has come back to where we are now and I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how long it takes, things will be resolved, everything will end up being better.

I can't live without you people...even when I want to live without you...I can't.

And I love that.

xoxo DannDann

Make The Effort

I want to write but I'm not sure about what. I'm about to help Dana with her paper so I figure I might as well start typing now and get the words to start coming to my brain. Hmmm. You know what I love? My friends here, they call me an Encyclopedia. I am. I always know everything about everyone and every situation and any known question. I love that. I love being asked things and being able to answer them whether it be how many days are in a month or even what a hotdog is made of. I love using words that aren't common. I wrote about this breifly before when I talked about how I like to use adjectives other than "good." I really do enjoy being that person though.

I have a feeling that a couple of people are mad at me and I'm not quite sure why. Lie. I know why one of them would be mad at me. I have no idea why one of them would be mad at me. And I don't give a fuck if the third person is mad at me. It just confuses me. I hate being on bad terms with people, especially when I try to make things better. Last night was fun. We played daquiri pong. We lost. It was fun. Kaylen was "drunk." I don't know how. She didn't even have that much. I drove her car to Taco Bell. Hahaha. THAT was an adventure. Then I got back to my dorm and just got really upset. I was thinking about how [I think] some people are mad at me. I just really don't feel like dealing with this nonsense anymore, to tell you the truth. I will fight with people till the day I die, but I always make sure to make an effort to resolve things (even when I shouldn't be the person taking the first step). I hate when I go to make the effort and the other person doesn't even try to talk to me about it. What good is running away?

Dana's writing notes on the short story she's reading and she wrote "gpaw bert." Me and Jen got a good laugh out of that. I really love that I've been hanging out with them a lot. I always feel like they want me there. I know this sounds really fucking stupid, but I always feel like I have to invite myself places and I always have to make the effort. It's extremely reassuring to know that I don't have to make the effort for them. I wish more people were like that. I know three people who are like that other than Dana and Jen. No, but really, I wish you all knew them. They're great. They make me so happy.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with Darra lately. I like that I write about people that nobody [who reads this] knows. I like having a part of the world to myself. I love having them know a different side of me...not in a bipolar way. Wow. That was silly! I really do love being in Hammond. I wouldn't come home as much as I do if I didn't have obligations. There's always a show or a plan or something. I don't know, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. It's completely...ridiculous. I like it. I've discovered a lot about myself since I've been here. Not only about myself, but also about how I feel about everyone back home. My time here really has put everything into perspective. I like it. I don't necessarily like the thoughts that I have, but I like that I can think about things and not be surrounded by them while I'm thinking about them.

Fuck, I'm tired. And I still have to write Dana's paper (which will be easy, so I don't know what I have such a negative connotation with that), and I have to finish I project (which will take me ten minutes), and then we are going to watch Dark Knight (HOPEFULLY) outside tonight on the big screen. I hope tonight will be grand. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Make the effort.

xoxo DannDann