6 Feet From the Edge

I need a break. A real break. Not a ten minute break from the 20 pages of reading I've done in the past hour and a half. Not a home for the weekend break. A real break. I want to just go home and shut myself out from everything. And if you know the least bit about me, you know that I thrive off of other people and I would certainly die if I closed myself off like that. But that's what I want to do. I want to go home and see people for the two days that I usually see them and then I just want to be by myself. I just want to think. I want to figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life, with myself.

I'm sitting here and not reading or studying or writing a paper, like I should be, I'm just thinking about how I never want to see the outside of my dorm again. I just want to stare at the pictures on my wall and have a notebook to write in and have that suffice as normal living. I don't want to go home for Christmas break. I want to move around. I want to be in a place where no one knows my name and where I don't give a fuck about anything but the sights around me. I wish I could live in a little room on the levi. I could go outside and see the water whenever I wanted and if someone needed me, they would know exactly where to find me. I want my world. I don't want the world, I want my world. I know I complain endlessly about people living in their own world and not the real world, but I wonder what it would be like. If I stopped calling, if I stopped caring, if I stopped thinking about anything but my happiness, or lack there of.

I want to stay in a place that I can call my own and not anyone else's. I don't want to study. I don't want to read about Caesar. I don't want to call. I don't want to worry. Period. I'm ready to give up. On pretty much everything.

Please come love
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I've found the road to no where
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say...

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down

I'm lookin down
Now that its over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out
Heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Let me say..

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down
I'm so far down

Sad eyes follow me
Well I still believe there's something there for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me...
You and me...you and me

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And I'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down...

Please come now
I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe...

xoxo DannDann

Real

Here I am, sitting at my desk only wearing a pair of pants, and I can't stop thinking. Do I mean as much to you as you mean to me? Doubtful. Do you mean all of what you say to me? No. Do you do it because you know you shouldn't? Completely. I have so many unanswered questions. I'm tired of questioning everything. I wish I could be as ridiculously honest as I feel. You are one of the most selfish people I have ever met in my life. And you have no idea. You always talk about yourself and you always act accordingly. You can't stop. You have no idea how glad I am that things are the way they are. I can't stand to be around you, even though I act like I can. I don't want to be your friend. I want to ignore your calls over half of the time. You always have something better to do. We don't talk anymore and I blame you one hundred percent. You suck at listening... suck at it. You are never there. I worry that you don't love me. You judge me... constantly. I hate it. You are such a hypocrite. I can't take you anymore. I give too much to you. I love where we are because I don't care as much as I used to. I'm insecure. I smoke too much. I'm unhappy. I can't find a cure. I miss you and I can't stand that I can't have you back. I love that you reacted the way you did. I'm not okay with about forty five percent of who I am. I hate having to try so much to get so little. I'm real. I could be realer, but most of you would not be able to handle it. I'm tired... all the time. I hate that I procrastinate. I hate that I don't do anything about it. I say I'm an open book...

What I don't say is that for me to be completely and totally real... I don't include the crowbar to pry open my pages.

xoxo DannDann

Do it for the now

Casi Landix. What a nut. Your blog made me think a bajillion things. It's true though. I'm always worried about change and I'm always worried that I will lose the good things I have surrounded myself with. But honestly, so the fuck what? What if I lose them? Then I either find a way to get them back or I move on. That's what I was afraid of when I left for college. I was afraid that everything was going to change. That the "good" that I had come to know and love for so long was going to be different. And it was. It all changed. And I find myself here, again, worried that it won't last this time either.

But when I think about that, when I think about how I don't want it to happen again... I think about where I am now. How afraid I was about all of this change, how I hated it when it hit me, how bad it hurt when I lost the people I loved, and most importantly, how I overcame it all. Yeah things changed, and yeah I like how they are now, but the point is that they changed and that I moved on and that I'm back in an even better state now. We know each other, more than ever, and we've all been through our fair share of drama and fights and bullshit. What it comes down to is that we still have each other. No matter what changes happened, and no matter how different we are, we are still "us". Granted, it is a different "us" than it was before, but it will always be. Things will always be different the next day, the next week, the next month, the next something. Things won't stay the same. And that's okay.

Whether we want to accept that or not, it's really honestly what it is. You can either hold on to all of the hurt that you aquired or all of the "what was" or you can focus on how good things are or how good they can be. I have been thinking about the "what was" lately and I have been so extremely happy that things have all worked out for the best, but I have undoubtedly been thinking about how bad they were and how I don't want them to be there. But why should I keep thinking about it when I can just be in the now and make sure that it's not going to end up like that? Why spend your life worrying when you can spend it looking forward to the next minutes that you don't want to miss? Why worry when it already happened? You can't change it. Sure, you got hurt and you don't want to get hurt again, but try. Just try to move on. Surround yourself with the people that make you happy (regardless of the past that comes along with them).

Granted, you have to watch yourself to make sure you don't get hurt, but don't let it consume you. I've let it consume me these past three months. I'm just ready to be "us" again. And we are "us" again and I love that. This weekend, if anything, proved to me that we are "us" again. I liked where we began, I hated where we went, and I love where we are. So why waste my time thinking about like and hate, when I know that what I got right now is love? Just fuck the rest and do it for the now. Do it for yourself. Do it because, honestly...it's the only thing you can control.

xoxo DannDann

We Are Fucking Good

These past three days have given me so many things to think about. I'm supposed to want to spend time with my family, I'm supposed to want to sit down to dinner with them, I'm supposed to ignore my phone when I'm with my relatives. I'm supposed to do a lot of things that I don't do.

All I've wanted to do the past three days is be with my friends...which I did. And there's no way in the entire world that I could've been happier with it...right? I'm scared to talk about the past. It makes me nervous. I don't know if bringing up the old good times is too much and I don't know if bringing up the bad times is allowed. I want to tell people how I'm still really worried that it will all happen again, but I also want to tell people how happy I am that it has come out to be what it is right now.

I am astonished as to how things have changed in the past three months. Going from excellent to horrible to perfect. To perfect, right? I don't understand how my brain can think about so many things at one time, how it can always be overflowing with thoughts and finds a way to still fit more, how it can get so frustrated, how it can keep itself contained. I want to live in the moment, but I can't help but to wonder what happens now, or over break, or in 3 months, or over the summer, or next year, or the year after that... I can't help but wonder how things will change, how people will change, or maybe how people will not change.

As much as a lot of us have changed, a couple of us haven't changed at all, even if I thought they had. I don't know if I should just stop trying completely to figure out a couple of people. I want reassurance, really. Honestly, that's what I want - reassurance and stability. And happiness. I think the first two are the only ones that I can be helped with. The happiness thing is all me. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been happy. Granted, I have been extremely happy with the way relationships have mended themselves (especially as of last night with two people), but I'm just not happy as a person. It's been like this for a while.

Can I be real honest for a second? I'm that person who forgives, but doesn't forget. I will never forget that you said that. You don't even know that I know that you said it. I forgive you now, and I know it's different now, and I know we're good now, and I know you love me. But I know you said it. I never knew it was that bad. I never knew it was bad until it was that bad. I miss you. So much. I love you. I know we;re a lot better and I know you love me because you show it now and you tell me, but I just can't for the life of me understand what I did. I don't know how you could have honestly felt that way about me when we were so inseperably close. I don't know when it started. I don't know how it started. I know where we are and I know that's what matters, but I still think about what you said every day of my life.

However, as unhappy as I may be within myself (having very little to do with anyone else), you all have made me so happy. Please just know that. The fact that you all want to see me more than you did right after I left for school, I think it's funny, and I love it. I love that you all want to see me. And I love that I can turn down my Hammond friends because I have plans with y'all every night I'm here. It's good to know that everything worked out, that I'm worth it for you all. After everything happened, I didn't know who I would be okay with. I was so scared that I would lose all of you and that was not something I wanted at all. I'm so glad that we worked through all of the bullshit, whatever the reasons were. I know it's behind us and I'm so glad that we have all realized how happy we are with each other. At least, that's what I think happened. Haha. I wouldn't rather call anyone else my friends. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you all.

Me - If I say "don't" do you know what I'm referring to?
Kaleb - Yes.
Me - Okay.
Kaleb - Why?
Me - Really?
Kaleb - Seriously, why?
Me - Nevermind, it's whatever.
Kaleb - Because if I said yes, would it make me from the same womb?
Me - Yes...We are fucking good.

xoxo DannDann

HAPPY Thanksgiving, right?

Thanksgiving - a day that is customarily spent with family where everyone is thankful for each other, good health, a happy home, and blah blah blah.

Well at least that's what normal people do. I'm not normal. My family is not normal. How can I be thankful for a sibling who I can't stand to be around for more than 20 minutes? I really wish she hadn't come in town for the holidays. She's supposed to be staying in Mississippi for Christmas break. I really hope she does. Last night, she drove me fucking insane. I really am done with trying to be nice to her and trying to let her in my life. Just because you're my sister - it doesn't mean that I have to like you, care about you, or give a fuck about anything you do.

Whatever. I just want to be with the rest of my family and my friends. Other than that, I kind of want to be back in Hammond. Is that horrible of me? I want to go back to Hammond and sit in Dana's big pink chair and laugh at her and Jen. I don't want to study or anything, I just want to be back there. Granted, I want to be with people here, but I'm coming back in two weeks for a whole month. And I'm coming back next weekend, too. There will be plenty enough of me for a while.

I just hate being in my house, having my sister here, and having my mother make me do everything because she doesn't know how to deal with my sister. I really hope the movies works out tonight. I need my people. I need my sanity. I need to get away from these fucking people.

xoxo DannDann

I wish you hadn't come into my life. I wish I had never met you. The things you make me think drive me crazy. You drive me absolutely crazy. I can't have you. I can't be around you. It's impossible. You're impossible. I'm impossible. No one has ever made me wish I were so different. No one has ever made me so frustrated. No one has ever made me so jealous. No one has ever made me so absolutely insane. I can't deal with you and all that you make me think. I can't be honest with you, but I don't know how to lie to you. I never asked for someone like this. I never asked for the most impossible emotions. I didn't want this. I didn't want you. I hate that you make me question everything I've ever known. I hate that I know you. I hate that I can't get it the way I want. I hate that I can't change either of us. I hate that you do this to me. I hate that you don't know. I hate that I can't win. I hate that I want you. I hate that I need you. I hate that I absolutely completely undeniably love you.

"Cancer and alcoholism...it's a way of life"

My head hurts really bad right now. I'm not hungover anymore. I wasn't that hungover to begin with. Last night was the fourth time in 5 days that I've been drunk. It's unhealthy. It's silly. I kind of like it. It makes me laugh. I should take it more seriously, but I do not, not indeed. No, no, Rene.

I like having serious conversations when I'm drunk. Thursday it was with Jen and Dana and last night it was with Jody. I think I'm good with everyone right now. I really like that. I was stressing out a lot yesterday when I was at dinner. Secret: I really know what's wrong. Too many things are wrong. None of them are really major, but they are just kind of concerns that I have I guess. I kept saying that I didn't know and, really, I was just kind of confused as to why I was so upset about so many little things, but I knew all along what they are. I didn't even tell Cameron what they were when I was on the phone with him. I miss him so much. Three weeks and I will undoubtedly cry when I see him. You don't even know. At all.

My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's because I'm still full or if I'm hungry. We are going to see the NOCCA show tonight. I'm so excited. I really like what I'm wearing. It's cute. It's a blue sweater and a dark gray skirt. It's very cute. Oh my God I haven't heard this song in a long time. Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Listen to it. It's beautiful. Last night was fun. I'm glad I got drunk with Katie (and Jody and Casi as well). Casi kept crying. We peed on some person's house. Jody gave her a hat that he found on the ground. Katie got picked up on by a 22-year-old black guy. It was an interesting night. How silly. I had a lot of fun.

*insert the title of this post*

xoxo DannDann