Bend & Not Break

I'm sitting here at 1:31 in the morning and I don't even want to sleep. I want to do something. I want to write. This song is putting me in the perfect writing mood. Listen to it. Bend & Not Break by Dashboard Confessional. What an appropriate song. They're so good.

I think since this year started, I have found out so much about myself. About what I want, about who I want, about the way I act. I feel like I have discovered way more of myself in a short period of time, well much more than I thought I would. Things have had a weird way of working themselves out. As much as I want to cry about losing two of my closest friends (by my choice completely), I'm so happy without them. That sounds really extreme, but it's incredibly true. Scratch that. It's tremensley true. I hope you got that Sweetea. Haha. Loveit. Anyway, I realized how much happier I am without having to worry about getting blamed for everything with them when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm not really bitter about it or anything, even when I look at their pictures on the wall, I'm okay knowing that we aren't friends anymore and I can just look at those pictures and remember the good times. And yeah the good times we're real good, but all the bullshit and drama wasn't worth it for me. It took a lot for me to walk away knowing I would lose those good times as well as those bad. I'm insanely proud of myself for learning when to walk away. I've been meaning to learn how to do that this past year, and I think I finally got it. I like that.

I was complaining all last week about how people just need to get over themselves. I'm not telling everyone to not fight for what they believe in, and I'm not even saying everyone has to be friends. But I just want people to not be...I don't even know what adjective would fit. If you find the negative, don't hold on to it. Either move past it and keep going or throw it out and be done with it, something I am also coming closer to knowing how to do. Pick your battles. Example: I fought with Ashley for like three days last week for stupid shit. We were both difficult bitches to each other. Friday we blew up at each other and it was really dumb. I was really aggravated. But Friday night, I texted her and apologized. I don't want to fight with people. As much as I had said "Ashley needs to get over herself"...I kind of needed to also. It wasn't worth fighting over. I just want to be friends with people. Even if neither of us did anything wrong, I know she wasn't going to apologize unless I did first. Even if you don't want to initiate an apology, I think you should because otherwise you will stay angry for a long time because all parties invovled are too stubborn to actually fix it. So I just figure...why the fuck not? What do I have to lose?

I want to write more music. I wish I could play so that I could write it easier. I have been feeling so artsy lately. I know how dumb I sound in that last sentence. I have just been taking these really gorgeous pictures of gorgeous things. Yesterday and today, I have at least 80 pictures of the sky. It's so pretty. I have lots of them though, you all must see them. They're gorgeous. Baton Rouge was interesting this weekend...I'm just glad to be back in Hammond again. I missed my room. :]

Storytime: My friend Tim's best friend was this guy named Jamey. He was our age. In September, he got in a drunk driving wreck and flipped his truck 8 times. He passed away that night I think. He was like Tim's brother. Tim helped carry the coffin at Jamey's funeral, which was on Tim's birthday. I know, right? In October, Tim told me that story. We were in Baton Rouge, sitting on Devan and Lane's porch, smoking cigarettes and freezing in the cold. We sat out there for an hour. It made me think of all of my friends. I told him I didn't think I could deal with that. If I was at school and one of my best friends died, I don't know what I would do with myself. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. The good thing is that they always speak so highly of Jamey. I wish I could've met him so badly. I took some really good pictures at the cross that his friends put up for him where the accident was. They always talk about him. About how he was funny and brought everyone together. And how he loved to take pictures and play music. He was the coolest kid on the block...that's what he sounds like. It got me thinking, really thinking. I want to leave a Jamey type of memory for people. I want to be that kid who everyone would remember as "that girl who made me smile" or something awesome like that. I would want people to wish I was there. I want to be a memory. I want to be your memory. I've thought about Jamey almost everyday since Tim told me about him. I cried when we visited his cross. I didn't even know the kid. It's amazing how someone I've never met can have such an impact on me. I really do wish I could've met him. He sounds like someone I would really love.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I'm in the right major. I know that I have the potential to do so many things and I'm just worried that I won't pick the right thing. You know what I would absolutely love to do (and I never thought about this before last semester when I was drunk one night with Kaylen)? I would love to teach. But only high school. I would either want to teach theatre or English. I want to inspire people. I'm real big on the whole leaving a memory, making a difference thing. I really do want to spark an interest in someone and change their lives. I would love that. I just want to help people. I know it sounds silly, but I've always thought that. Ever since I was about nine. Whenever someone would say "I'm put on this earth to be a doctor/fireman/talk show host/therapist" I would always say "I'm put on this earth to help people." I think it's so true. I think my purpose is to help people, to make them happy. I've been trying for as long as I can remember. I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I really do hope so.

I really just felt like writing. This was much longer than I expected it to be. I love writing. It makes me the happiest person in the world. As sad as I have been lately, I've realized how happy I am with my life in general. Getting rid of people I don't need and holding on tighter than ever to the people that are real is exactly what I need. They make me happy. They make me happier than anything on the planet (happier than writing and math lab combined. Watch the fuck out!) could ever make me. If you're one of those people, you should feel pretty damn accomplished. I really like how things are going right now. I really like it.

R.I.P. Jamey

xoxo DannDann

Jack and Jill

Storytales mislead your heart. Storytales don't happen. Storytales are just that...stories. Storytales are someone else's lives, someone else who is happy for more than three minutes at a time.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
And went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

Jill came in and she did grin
To see his paper plaster;
Mother vexed did whip her next
For causing Jack's disaster.

Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry
But her tears did soon abate;
Then Jill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the gate

I'm sure I would be happier if the world was full of Jack's and Jill's.

xoxo DannDann

I'm afraid.

As much as you want to tell yourself that it won't get harder as time goes on...it does.

Everything changes, everyone changes. You think it's as bad as it could be and some of the time it gets better, and some of the time it gets worse. Duh. Lately, things have just been getting worse. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and then you find yourself texting those same people that you can't let go of, that you dont know how to let go of, the very next day. Just when you think you aren't aggravated, someone does one little thing and you realize that you never stopped being aggravated.

Everyone moves on whether or not you do, too. I find myself sitting here devastated that I'm losing people I love and that there is nothing I can do about it. Some people I have given up on as much as I believe I possibly can. Some people are just a lost cause. Some people just fuck you over again and again and again. It's hard to give up on people when everyone is friends with each other. It's hard to be friends with someone who is best friends with the person you are trying to give up on. It's hard to give up on someone when they think nothing is wrong. It's really hard to make myself believe that things won't up the way they did before. It's hard for me to not doubt everything.

I hate how much I secondguess things. But I hate even more that I have to secondguess them. I want to find people who I can trust. Absolutely legitimately trust. It's hard for me to open up to people when I know that most of the time we will end up not being friends and that I will have wasted all of what I had on those people. You want me to be real? Here's real: I'm afraid to get hurt. Always have been. I'm afraid to trust people. I'm afraid to tell people how I really feel. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm afraid that you will leave me just like you left everyone else. I'm afraid you will find something better, if you haven't already. I'm afraid you will forget me. I'm afraid of forming a friendship that will turn into one big lie. I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of giving up. I'm afraid that you will turn out just like everyone else. I'm afraid to be myself around you. I'm afraid to give my opinion. I'm afraid of what you could do to me. I'm just afraid.

As much as I love being close to people, I hate it. I hate it because it always comes down to a bunch of unanswered questions, a bunch of "I don't know" and "maybe" and "I forgot" and "you're overreacting" and "I'm over it", a bunch of confusion, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of tears. A bunch of memories that will be thrown away and a bunch of people who will walk away. I don't know what categories to put people in anymore. I don't even know what categories I have anymore. I don't know what to be afraid of. What am I to you as a friend and do you let me know it? Because I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I called Hammond "home" yesterday.

xoxo DannDann

Weenies

Well hello blogging world! It has been a while. For this, I am grandly sorry. Not that your world stopped turning or that Hitler raised from the dead, all is fine. I'm sitting in Ashley's dorm, typing away. This past week hasn't been too eventful, believe it or not (and I strongly suggest that you should, in fact, believe it). Oh my. Story time. So the other night Ashley and I went to a playground. It was dark. And we were just sitting there swinging and smoking and we made up a rap. May I just tell you, it is genius. Remind me to sing it for you all one day. Anyway, so the cops show up out of nowhere and is like "THE PARK IS CLOSED." So then we got kicked out of the park. It was silly. That doesn't sound like it's a good story, but it really is, I promise.

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm glad that Alex is confused shitless. It makes me smile more than he will ever know. I'm just ready to see everybody, well mostly everybody. I can't wait to see Beauty. I'm so excited. I'm so proud of my boys. Awww. *insert happy tears here*

Last night was pretty bad. Lots and lots of crying. I'm dealing with too many things. I am extremely grateful for Hannah, Kaleb, and Alex. They are my life. OH MY GOD! I have been obsessed with the song "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast. (Oh my fuck, Ashley was saying library and so I typed Beauty and the Library. It ws funny.) Oh my. My life should be a movie. I promise. Ashley is completely murdering this song. And I do not approve of it at all. *makes evil look*

But yeah, I miss you fucking crazy weenies. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well I hope to see you all soon and I promise to blog about something with substance next time :]]

xoxo DannDann

When you told me I couldn't sing, when you told me it was my fault, when you said you loved me, when you asked for advice, when you had a problem, when you wanted to complain, when you understand Physics, when you hooked up with someone, when you let your hair down, when you said you didn't know, when you yelled at me, when you told me a secret, when you told me you would try, when you gave up, when you asked for an explanation, when you were upset, when you started smoking, when you didn't know if you liked him, when you told me you were unsure, when you wanted to change your major, when you hated your job, when you got too drunk, when you gave me directions, when you asked me to come over, when you were having a bad day, when you met the boy of your dreams, when you couldn't believe you thought that, when you defended yourself, when you fucked up, when you were mad at her, when you didn't want to deal with the drama, when you wanted a change, when you said you hated me, when you said you needed time, when you said you didn't know what you needed, when you turned it around on me, when you blamed me and it wasn't my fault, when you needed a friend, when you made good tips, when you talked about your coworker, when you wanted to get in control of your life, when you wanted me there - I listened.

I listened.
Why can't you?

xoxo DannDann

Princes

I'm sitting here with Hannah at her work. I like it. It's so silly. And she's working and I'm sitting her not doing anything and I'm enjoying myself. There are very few people who I can sit with and do literally nothing with and be completely content with the relationship I have with them.

I hate that I don't know what to think about/ know how to act around people that I am "so close" to. There are a few people who I have stopped caring about as much as I can and there are others that I can't quite figure out anymore. Something happened today that was kind of a slap in the face to me. You [the person] don't know it was though. My opinion has become less apparent. I have made it that way. I only tell my opinion to three people. I feel as if they are the only people that really listen anymore. Anymore...hhmmm what a word.

We all make mistakes. Fuck, I make mistakes. But sometimes when the drawbridge is lowered, it looks a lot longer than it did before. And it makes you wonder if the walk across it is worth it or not. It makes you wonder when it got so difficult to cross a bridge. It makes you wonder why you're crossing it and if you even really want to. It makes you wonder why you crossed it in the first place just to be thrown into the mote and have to swim to the other side and if you really want to cross it again. It makes you wonder if when you cross the bridge all you will hear about is how much they want something for the wrong reasons. It makes you question how much that walk meant to you, and if to them you will be another visitor, or another let down when all they wanted was that prince.

Wow. That last sentence. Have these feelings really resurfaced with both things? All this time apart from these people really has given me a million things to think about. I didn't know I still felt that way...well, I guess we all learn new things everyday...right?

xoxo DannDann

Bitch, don't make me come back there and skulldrag you!

There are so many things I want to write about. I'm just buzzing with thoughts. This semester is going to be considerably more boring than the first one was. I don't have any friends left in this hall except Kerra and Nicole and we don't really talk anyway. I don't like my roommate that much. She's not very social with me. Her friends come over and are very loud. I know that I have no room to talk since I am really loud, but there is a difference between being loud and being obnoxiously and annoyingly disruptive. I don't really like it. Oh well.

I've been getting so close to Ashley. It makes me really happy. I have a huge feeling that her and I will become best friends this semester. We went to dinner at McDonalds (classy) last night and almost got shot. There was a fight. We were the only two white people there. This girl was cursing out the girl who was working the fries. My favorite part was, "Bitch, don't make me come back there and skulldrag you!" Too much to handle. Hahaha. And then we chilled and watched American Idol. Then we got dinner tonight and watched American Idol again. Then tomorrow night we're going out to the Buzz and then I'm spending the weekend at her house and we're going to Bourbon on Friday. I'm very excited. She has hott straight guy friends. I'm very very excited.

School is going to be really tough this semester. I have to actually try and work and study. I know it's lame for me to complain about something everyone has to do, but still, I have to work really hard. I have to make a 3.7 to keep my scholarship. And I'm taking hard classes, but at least I really like my teachers. It's a whole lot of walking, too. My feet hurt a lot today when I got back home. I'm very tired as well. I like that I have Tuesday and Thursday off so I can catch up on sleep. ADD moment - I love John Legend. His video just came on tv and I love his song "Ordinary People." Look it up. Woaaaaaaaah.

About how that song just put everything into perspective. Shit. What an unexpected ending to this blog. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

xoxo DannDann