Buy your black dress...

So if I died tomorrow what would you do? You, personally, what would you do?

I always wonder that if I died right now, in the middle of typing this word, or this one, what if I just died? What would happen? Who would go to my funeral? What would they wear? Why would they be wearing it? Would they bring flowers? How long would they stay? Would they be crying? Would they be there even if they were the only one? What would they say? Would they say anything? Would they know my middle name? Would they know my favorite color? Would they know how much I loved them? How would everyone feel? Would I have known how much I meant to them? Did they even let me know how much I meant to them at all? What would happen?

In case I do die tomorrow and you do go to my funeral, my middle name is Marion and my favorite colors are pink and teal. I want to know what I mean to people. If you hate me, I want to know why. If you love me, I want to know why. If you cherish a moment you had with me, I want to know where and when it was. If you believe I have changed your life in the smallest way, tell me. If I'm a horrible person, tell me. If I make you smile every time you think about me, tell me. What good is having feelings if you're going to keep them to yourself? Why hide how you feel...because you're scared of getting hurt? So what if you do, what if you get hurt? You get better, that's what. I hate that people don't say how they feel because they're afraid to open up to people. What is everyone so afraid of?

Well, what if this happens or what if they betray me or what if I would have said something different or what if I wouldn't have met that person? You can't live in a world of what if. You can't ask yourself what if something will or could have happened because it hasn't or it didn't. You have to live for now. Live each day as if it's your last. Don't compromise something important to you. That really makes me think about how I'm living my life. All my life I've done things for other people, to make everyone else happy, and don't get me wrong, making people happy is one of my favorite things...but sometimes I need to make myself happy first. I'm not happy. I am not a happy person. I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I don't want to give up on a fight over something I believe is necessary just to avoid pain. If I get hurt, so the fuck what, I get back up.

I don't live with regrets. I don't want to regret my last (less than a) month of summer because I was too busy trying to make everyone else happy. After August 15th, that's it, I'm gone. I'm out of New Orleans. I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't really want to. I decide who I stay in touch with. I decide who I want to stay in touch with based on right now. RIGHT NOW. I refuse to have someone else control who those people will be. I will not be told how to act just to make everyone else comfortable. I do not like how I have come to feel about certain people but I love how I have come to feel about others. Give people chances. If they fuck up, give them another one, and if they fuck up again...then you have to decide whether or not you want to get hurt again. Pick your battles and when you decide which one you want to pick, don't give up. Life is too short to give up on what you believe in, what you want. And everyone says life is too short to hold grudges, but maybe you need to hold grudges to get the point across. Be vocal. Tell people you care. Let people in.

Tell someone something stupid. I hate all green vegetables except lettuce and string beans. Tell someone something meaningful. I love you. Mean it. Show people you care. Hug someone. Let people know that they matter. Whether or not you know it, you may be giving someone hope by telling them that you're glad you're friends with them. You may know nothing about me. I may be having the worst possible day of my life even though I'm wearing a smile that would say otherwise and maybe all I need is for you to tell me that you like my eyes or my smile, no matter how fake it may be. It can't hurt to remind someone how much you love them. I try to do that as much as possible. And when someone hurts you, let them know, before it's too late. People will get hurt. People will cry. People will want to give up and just cut everyone off. Shit happens. Lots and lots of shit happen. Just when you think you can't handle it...when you realize that someone you love is dying and one of your best friends has cancer and another one is moving halfway across the country and the person you're madly in love with could really care less about you and another one of your best friends tells you that you don't let them know that you care...but when you are ready to give up on everything possible, maybe all you need to hear is, "I love to hear you laugh."

Just remind people of how much you love them or how amazing they are. That's all I ask. Whether it be me or someone else, I don't care. Fight for what you believe in and don't be afraid to show people what you feel. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid. I realize this is much easier said than done. I also want to say that I'm deeply sorry for any frustration or sorrow or pain I've unintentionally caused anyone, especially you, since I know you will read this and not tell me that you've read this since you think I hate you, but I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to debate this with you anymore. I don't hate you. I care about you more than you could possibly ever know and if I didn't, this wouldn't be so hard. I don't hate you, I just can't know that you're there for me right now because if I view you as an option, it's like I never cancelled you out in the first place and I will go back to you. I'm fighting for what I want. I want to be happy. I don't want to fall into that cycle again and I know I will if I give in. I'm sorry if it's difficult for you, just know that's it harder for me. Please just know that.

I think I'm done ranting and saying what I have to say. I haven't stopped typing to read it yet. I don't think I will. PS - I saw Aida tonight and I screamed Tyler's name during curtain call. I had tears in my eyes. I'm very proud of him. He's amazing. I let him know that tonight. I love that boy a lot more than I ever thought I would. He's very important to me. So are a lot of people. I will let you know when I see you next. I think this was very good and straight from the heart and EXTREMELY well written. Just saying. This was very relieveing. That's all for now. Good night.

xoxo DannDann