Do you want to?

You know what's dumb? I'm afraid to be fearless. When people establish or acknowledge their fears, they build a wall to try and protect themselves from it. I can't imagine what it would be like to be fearless, because, to me, in essence, being fearless is being vulnerable. I have become too broken to even think about how shattered I would be if I wasn't afraid of being hurt.

I've been thinking about high school a lot today. I got myself to where I am today. I make sure I know at least 80% of the people in room and I make sure I'm not afraid to talk to people that I don't know or that I don't know well. But I still question everything and everyone because of who I was in high school. People made fun of me. A lot. Stupid people. People that shouldn't and don't matter. I'm not going to say I was friends with everyone, but I knew everyone. I like to always know someone whether or not they like me. To question the genuity of every single person you've met for five years takes its toll. It makes me wonder who will be there today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. Ever wonder why I'm so socially dependent? Because I can't trust myself to trust people and believe that they will be there, because there is a huge as hell chance that they won't be. It's a personal problem. But it's a problem nonetheless.

People don't understand what it's like to not be able to trust anyone but one person. When I tell you I trust you I mean it, but I only mean it as much as I can. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to anyone. But you can't understand it. Ever wonder why I always ask people if they are mad at me? Because I can't trust their first answer of "no" because it's usually a lie. Ever wonder why I always have to keep in touch with everyone? Because I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared to be lost by someone I need, someone who doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about them.

Everytime someone stops believing in fairies, a fairy dies, right? So what happens when people stop believing in people? The people don't die. So what happens? Something dies. Trust. Love. Stability. Communication. Strength. Something dies. I feel like a lot of pieces of me are dying, little by little, and I can't do anything to control it. I need to be reassured that I exist. Not just that you love me or that you miss me or that you care about me, but that you want to. What good is doing something if you don't want to do it? Especially when it involves someone more than yourself. It's not like homework. Because at the end of the day, you're homework won't give a fuck if you're not committed to it like you say you will be. I will care. I'm not homework. I'm not an algebra problem. I'm not a paper on a scenic designer. I'm not flashcards on microbiology. I'm not memorization of the ammendments. I'm a person. I'm Dani. I feel and I love and I hurt and I laugh and I cry and I feel sorry for myself sometimes. Just like you. I just feel like a lot of people forget that I'm just like them. That a little bit of somebody is like a little bit of everybody else.

We're all human. We all want to be loved. We all want someone to want to love us and to want us to know it. We all want to be happy. And sometimes we don't know how to do that and we need someone to help us figure it out. But nobody helps. Because nobody wants to. Do you want to?

xoxo DannDann

Words.

Why can't I get my thoughts out into words? What the fuck is happening to me? Ugh. I do not like this. I just want to know what I'm thinking. And it's weird that I don't.

xoxo DannDann

You build fences for one of two reasons: to keep people out or to keep people in.

xoxo DannDann

Hell week

So this is just a baby tiny blog that I'm writing because I'm waiting for Hallie to finish her math homework online. For further reference of Hallie, check one of my recent Dailybooth pictures. She's coming home with me for Halloween weekened, so you will all get to meet her. That reminds me that I have to start making my Halloween costume. It's gonna be fiyaaaa.

So I thought this weekend was gonna blow but I've had so much fun (minus being sick and getting in really loud, really intense drunken screaming fights over the phone at 3 in the morning...) and I liked it. I can't wait to see Monique next weekend. I miss her a lot. My head hurts. I didn't do any school work and I'm kind of glad I kept this weekend so chill. I might start making flashcards for theatre tonight or I might just do it tomorrow. I needed this weekend for sure.

Plan for school for the week. Ima be one busy motherfucker. Monday - wake up at ten. Edit/finish paper. Lunch. Paper. English class. Poli sci class. Dinner. Make theatre flashcards. Sleep. Tuesday - wake up at seven. Study theatre flashcards. Theatre class. Take midterm. Lunch. Nap. Biology class. (hopefully blog). Dinner. Make poli sci flashcards. Sleep. Wednesday - wake up at ten. Study poli sci flashcards. Lunch. Study more. English class. Poli sci class. Take exam. Dinner. Make Biology flashcards. Sleep. Thursday - Wake up at nine. Theatre class. Lumch. Study Biology flashcards. Biology class. Take midterm. Dinner. Return to dorm. Cate Street. Friday - wake up at ten. Pack for the weekend. Leave for at eleven fifteen. Get home for twelve. Go to deposition hearing at attorney's office (don't ask.) See people. DIE OF EXHAUSTION.

I just realized how rough this week is going to be. I'm definitely enjoying the end of my Sunday and not doing ANYTHING school related. Don't forget to keep in touch. Call me every now and then. I like it when I'm surprised by communication. Just saying.

xoxo DannDann

You know what I hate? BAD PEOPLE. You know why? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING SUCK.

Stop fucking with people. Where does it get you? All of you...where the fuck does it get you? Why do you do it? Just shut the fuck up and back the fuck off and get realistic. Reality is gonna slap you in the face so goddamn hard one day and I'm not gonna do a damn thing but stand by and watch. You know why? Because you FUCKING deserve every second of it.

Period.

Saved by the blog.

So...

Everything has been going on. I've been crazy busy. I would use my weekends to have chill time, but I never actually do it. I love being home because I'm doing something all the time with the people I want to do it with. Sometimes I forget about how much I have to do. Like when that midterm crept up on me yesterday, seeing as how I only found out about it two hours before I had it...which I rocked by the way =] Also, I have three exams next week. Can you say panic? PAAAAAAAAANIC. I can. I have a theatre midterm (comprehensive, of course) next Tuesday, a Political science exam next Wednesday, and a Biology exam next Thursday. So, for myself and my schoolwork, I will be staying in Hammond for the weekend. I haven't stayed up for the weekend probably since April, maybe March. I need to though. And as badly as I want to go home and see everyone and whatnot, I kind of need to stay up and study and clean and sleep and get my shit done. HOWEVER, everyone should visit me. I know this is not likely, but a girl can dream, so calm down. Anyway...

I have a rough draft of an English paper due tomorrow. It's titled "Make an Argument" and we had to go on a library database and find a good (and relevant to society) topic, preferably in the form of a question. First one I saw was "Gays in the military". WINNER. So I emailed my teacher like 25 minutes ago and asked if I could do it, since you have to get your topic approved and it would be dumb to fucking write a five page paper and have researched for hours when you can't even do it. So (hopefully) if he says yes, I already found my four sources I need. I've been in the library for about two and a half hours. I printed up four articles, altogether which use up FIFTY-THREE pages of paper. I have to read all of these pages and choose what I want to say from them, so after I get off the computer I will probably start reading and highlighting, reading and highlighting, reading and highlighting. And then I want to do my works cited and all the techinical stuff, but not write it until tomorrow. That would be too much. If my topic isn't approved, I will be beyond aggravated. Beyooooooond (, to infinity and). Some things I cannot resist.

Continuing... If I had a sense of normalcy in my life, I would say that sense of normalcy is being restored into my life. I've never been one to know (or even like the word) "normal". Seriously... who defines normal? My normal is toooootally different from yours and we both know that, so why categorize one as weird? Sorry. Minitangent. Anyway, what I would consider to be "normal" I guess is coming back. My "normal" is what makes me content, what makes me happy, what makes me...myself. Things are starting to get better, but I don't expect too much. I find that when I expect a lot, I usually get let down, so I try not to do that anymore. I've gotten pretty good at being involved without being too involved. I like being a realist. I like being "that person". So, hopefully hopefully hopefully, my "normal" has been restored.

These past two weeks have been very stressful, but very rewarding and helpful. I have learned that I can't turn in papers late anymore and I can't skip the class in which we review for the midterm. I can't skip class, period. I know I will still, but I am trying to not as much. For instance, in regards to hard work and how it NEEDS to be done in order to succeed, I wanted to go to my room and nap after class. Instead, I came to the library with the intention to blog. I, first, wanted to look up the assignment for my paper just to make sure I knew what I had to do. Then I realized it was going to be more work than I anticipated and I wasn't going to do all of it tomorrow, so I know I NEEDED to do it now, while I was motivated. You make baby tiny sacrifices, like not taking a nap, or not going home for the weekend, but I can promise you that I will clean and study this weekend. Minimal distractions. As much as I hate being stressed out, sometimes it's what I need to show me what I need to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

About 75% of this blog, thusfar has been about school. I never really talk about school that much, unless I'm venting about how I have to do homework. Blah Blah. But, it's weird. I really really really want to get on the right track and I know it will be hard and I know it will be a lot of work, but I know I have the right people to support me and the right mind to be practical about what needs to happen. I feel intelligent. I AM intelligent. A genius, if you will. A queen, if you will. I miss Chase. I miss Bryce a lot too. I talked to him on Skype today and even though I can't see him since doesn't have a webcam, it's really good that I talk to him frequently. He really makes me laugh and I love that. Like crying laughing. Not many people can make me do that on a minute basis and then the next night have a deep life conversation with me. I didn't mean to get all sappy or anything, but, fuck, he IS my husband, and I AM allowed to miss him a lot, which I do. But he makes me happy no matter where he is. Love you, hubby.

I feel so much better after blogging. Much more confident about school I guess. I feel like I've been writing for a while. Cross your fingers and say a prayer that my topic is approved. Thanks for listening. Until next time lovers...

xoxo DannDann