Let's talk. Just me and you.
Time to be real. Time to not put up my wall for a hot second (and by second I mean blog post). I always talk about how I like to be busy, so I keep myself busy with everyone and everything possible in order for me to not "think". I distract myself. In essence, I avoid the sadness that is inevitable. I know this. I know it's inevitable. Why am I so afraid to be sad? Why is everyone so afraid to be sad? That's what irks (spelling?) me. When people tell me I shouldn't cry over something that I cry about. If I'm the one crying about it, I obviously think it's worth crying over. I don't need anyone to tell ME what to cry about. Then when I pretend that I'm not sad, everyone knows because my friends can read me, so it's just wasting time and effort by pretending. It's okay to be sad. Well...it's not OKAY... but it's not FORBIDDEN, you know?
I spent a lot of time with a lot of people this past week and I really enjoyed it, I did. But I'm back at school, just chilling in the library, doing my thing, and I'm sad. I'm not distracted. I'm just taking it all in. Taking in what I like and don't like about my life. What do I want to fix, what do I have the will power to fix, and what will I ACTUALLY fix? Something that I want to fix, but won't actually do it right now - smoking. I want to quit. Eventually. I'm limiting myself to buying one pack a week. And only on the weekend. I don't know what that will mean over Christmas break since I won't be at school to bum them from people. I want to quit - just not now. Procrastination central. Wah wah. I don't really give a fuck. I want to be myself. Someone super important in my life is taking time for themselves right now and I feel like that's a fiya example. I will still always be with all my friends, but I need to do me. I need to figure out what "I" am in order to do "me". Make sense? Great.
Worrying about school right now is really getting me. I'm pissed, but I'm not. Want to know why? Of course you do! Well I've been talking my ass off about how hard I've worked at school. I brought my English average up from a 64 to a 79 in two months. THAT WAS HARD. I have a 79.4 in that class and we don't have ANYMORE grades due. We have our final, but I don't know if that counts to the class or if that counts to the proficiency exam. It's complicated and stupid. So I'm pissed because it's SO close to a B, but I'm not pissed because I brought my average up 15 points in like seven weeks. I'm hardcore. I want a 3.0 but I don't think I can get it if the final doesn't count to the class. I don't know. I'm frustrated. Last week of classes. Ashley's moving home next semester. I'm getting my FOURTH roommate. That's another issue I'm having. I know it's not personal, it's just frustrating. I get really lonely. Oh, full circle, here we come.
I get really lonely. Period. I hate being lonely because I know I will think. I know when I think, I will get sad. I don't like being sad. Being sad makes me sad. How fucking stupid. I want to go to therapy again. Someone text me tomorrow and remind me to look into that. I want to. I would do it today but I won't have time. That's a lie. I have time. Right now. And I will at 2:30. Maybe I will go before my 3:30 class. Maybe not. I just want to be better. I want to fix myself - I said that Tuesday night. "I want to fix myself, but I don't know what to fix. I don't know what's broken."
I'm really glad I blogged. I'm really glad I'm keeping to the goal... even if it takes a big fucking blog about life to make me keep to the goal, I'm doing it. I know it's going to be a long walk to being better, but I'd rather keep walking than turn around, you know?
xoxo DannDann
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