Lessons learned

I couldn't have written the last paragraph of my previous blog with better timing. Today brought many new lessons. You will always get hurt the most by the people who are supposed to love you as much as they say they will. You will always get hurt. Period. The people change. The amount of shock changes. The names change. The faces change. The words change. The lies change. The hurt...that stays the same...no...it just gets worse. I hate that almost everyone I am friends with only thinks of themselves. I hate that how selfish people will be is clear to everyone except me. "You can't be Jack, he's already Jack." "Please....him? Him? I would never ditch you like that." Even though that joke was made way too soon considering it just happened TODAY, it's still true.

I can't recall the last time so many people who I thought cared had let me down to such an immense degree. Let's go through shall we? There's four. 1) You are the most genuine. I'm glad you were the one I talked to the most and I'm glad I have the most resolution with you from this. You listen to me. You let me do me. You let me yell at you. You handled it. Nobody else out of the four of you could've, I promise. However, you did, undoubtedly, dissapoint me with this whole situation. I thought you would be the one to say that it was wrong instead of thinking of "other things." I think I overestimated how much you cared. I know you care, but not as much as I thought you did.

2) We probably won't talk much about this, if at all. I don't like that everything you do is one-sided, especially this. I wish you cared about how upset I am. I feel like I would go to the end of the earth for you and this is what I get from you in return. I just don't understand why you all had to lie. I never know what you're thinking. I wish you would just talk to me. I highly doubt you will admit you fucked up...but you did. You all did. I just wish you cared more about how much this affected me.

3) There is no way you would've been able to be there when it happened today. You would've been scared. I don't know what I've done to you in this past week, if anything, but I absolutely cannot fucking stand that you haven't talked to me in almost a week. I don't know what your deal is. I figure that you know that I know, but I wish you would actually fucking talk to me. It used to be me that you would talk to about everything. I guess you don't need me anymore now that I'm gone. That's not what I thought I would be to you. I used to think I actually meant something to you; now I'm not so sure. You avoid things at all costs and run away. I wish you knew how upset I am with you.

4) I wanted to get somewhere when we talked. I feel like you hold back a lot. I am forever frustrated with this because you always tell me not to have a filter, not to hold things back, and yet I somehow am the one who got lied to by you. Those tables turned rather quickly. Out of anyone, you know how much I love you. I make damn sure that you always know that and for you to completely disregard how I feel just really really really hurts me. One second you tell me how much you miss me and how much you love me and how happy I make you and the next you're lying to me for reasons that "well, I don't really know why that happened." Please make up your mind whether you want to keep stepping on my heart or not and let me know so I can know whether or not it's okay for me to love you. I might be the most dissapointed in you in this situation, not necessarily overall, but in this situation, possibly.

I don't like being fucked over by people who are supposed to be closest to me. By people I love. By people I care about. I come home to see you. I come home to be with you. You didn't want to be with me because you were "aggravated" with me or something like that...I'm here for two days out of the week and I'm really starting to wonder whether or not I will be coming home as much anymore. Is it really worth it? I ask that question too much and now I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to stop asking the question, when I am going to be happier, and when I am going to give up on people who keep dissapointing me...people like you.

xoxo DannDann

Let's cross the line

I just got out of the shower about 20 minutes ago and I want to go to bed, however I am not tired. So I figured I would write to figure out what I'm thinking. It's 3:58 AM and all I want to do is write. Go figure.

What do I want? What a question. I want to be happy with everything in my life. This is highly unrealistic, but I can still want it, can't I? I do find myself being happier with certain parts of my life (or certain people rather) than I thought I was and not as happy as I thought I was with others. It's dangerous when I think. So much runs through my mind. I have been trying not to be so dependent on others these past two days. It's been working fairly well. I've also been trying not to take things too seriously, little things. I let a lot of little things get me down to really low points. Little things that people have said that would normally really make me angry, I've just been like "whatever, it's not worth it." I don't know how long this will last, but it has been working, nonetheless.

I'm glad that I got back to my dorm Thursday, even though I was lonely as ever. I enjoyed being on my terms with everything around me. The air. The conversation. The people. The music. I loved being able to control that again. I like to be in control of things. I know this. I don't like when I know that I don't know what is going on. When I don't know a secret (sometimes) or when I don't know what two people are fighting about or some kind of situation like that. I always like to be in control of a situation, not necessarily controlling the situation, but just being conscious of everything going on. I think I am that person who knows "everything" because I like to be (not necessarily the best wording that I could've chosen, but oh well) "in the know" of things. I also talk to the people I want to know about and they trust me, therefore I find out everything or at least hear about it.

I need straight guy friends. I love my guy friends who are gay, don't get me wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I probably love my gay guy friends more than my straight ones and that I'm undoubtedly closer to my gay boys than my straight boys. I really do love
them. They mean the world to me. But I need more straight guy friends. Not even just to consider a relationship with or anything, but just to have as friends. I was talking to Tim about his problems with his girlfriend and I realized how I am not used to straight boys with girl problems at all. But then again, I do want straight guys to be around who I can consider relationships with. I like to hookup and all, it's fun, it's grand, but I kind of want a constant in my life. (If you like math...) I don't like having so many variables, I would rather just have like pi or something. You always know what it is, you know it will always be pi, it's not gonna change and become x when its around y, you know its always gonna be pi. I want someone to love, to laugh with, to cry with, to dance with, to talk to, to smile at, to be with. I want to be with someone.

I have felt less important to certain people and more important to others in this past week. I have reassessed (spelling?) how much I think I mean to people. That wording was confusing. I have been thinking about if people value me as much as I thought they did or as much as they said they did. This past week, I have been in touch mostly with my best friends who I wasn't SUPER close to. I feel like they almost appreciate (word choice?) me more than I thought they did. I love them. I like learning how I feel about people I love. I am using parentheses way too much and I feel like I am an English teacher grading this blog. How silly. Back on topic! Anyway... I'm excited for lunch tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I miss my friends. I'm sure I will tell you all about it. Haha.

Quote of the day - "Let's cross the line" and "I love that we have a distinct us now"

All for now. Goodnight dear.

xoxo DannDann

Thinking thinking thinking

During this past week I've done a lot of thinking. I have reconsidered so many things, so many people, so many friendships in this past week. There's been a lot of "what the fuck am I doing?" in my head. I've been wondering if all the things I invest my time and commitment and heart into, if it's all worth it or not. I want to know what I mean to people. I want to know what I mean to you. I've been going off on love tangents lately for quite a few people. I always wonder what people would say about me, if I am worth it for people.

Hattiesburg makes me want to slit my wrists. Over and over again. I really hate it here. I can't tolerate my mother, my sister, or my sister's roommate. Just me and my dad. As usual. Everyone else is fucking stupid. I'm going back to Hammond today and I'm really glad about it. My father is bringing me back. That will be a relief. I'm tired of watching the fucking weather channel and CNN. I hate looking at the weather over and over. I get sick of it. Instead of watching the weather last night, I watched Palin. I like her a lot. We still don't have power at my house, but we do at my dorm. That's what matters.

I find that I miss my friends a lot and that I have sperts of missing them. I really miss my friends when I talk to them, but other than that, I'm pretty convinced I could go a month without seeing them and be fine. This contradicts half of the things I feel. I always tell people how much I want to see them, and I do. I really do want to see my friends from home. But I know I don't need to see them immediately when it comes down to it. I was thinking about this for the past 12 hours. I depend too much on other people and I think that's why I am let down frequently. I let other people take over how I feel, intentional or not. I need to become more independent. I need to be able to control the way I feel and not let other people control that. But I'm also kind of worried that if I detach myself from people, that I will lose a significant amount of the "Dani" in me.

I don't need a bandaid, I need stitches. I need a line. (Thank you Jody). I don't know if anything will change but I just hate that a majority of what I feel is because of other people. I don't like asking people what they don't like about me and having it affect me ridiculously. I just want to feel things because I want to feel them, not because I let other people push my buttons. I don't want anyone to have that option. I don't want people to be able to push buttons. It's stupid. I don't think you should let other people affect how real you are willing to be. Secrets are one thing, but you, as a person, is different. I don't think someone should have to compromise what they would say because of other people. If you want to say something, say it. I feel like I have held back a bit because of certain people, not much, but I still think I have done this. I don't like that. You hearing me or you being where I am is not going to change the way I feel and it shouldn't change whether or not I am going to say what I feel when I am around you. Make sense?

I think too much. But it's who I am. It's bad that I think too much, but someone has to think of everything. I'm that person. I don't necessarily LOVE it, but I'm okay with it. I am. I'm okay with me. I'm a fairly good person. I think so. I think I'm a good friend. It doesn't hurt to hear that every once in a while. Wish I did. Ha. But I'm content with just knowing that I know it, whether or not everyone else does. Surely, I wish everyone else knew. Oh well.

I'm glad I'm going back to school today. I'm happy with that. PS - I wish more people would call other people. I'm always the one calling people. It's my thing? I don't really like that. But I know that if I don't call, that I won't get called. I don't like it. I think it's stupid. I like getting called. It makes me feel loved. You all should try it sometime. All for now.

xoxo DannDann

Naturally perfect

SuPeRb0y21213: you know what i always wanted to say to you but i never do
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how ... hmmm whats the word
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how intense you are about friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: its a good thing
SuPeRb0y21213: i dont think enough people are serious enough about them
SuPeRb0y21213: and im glad that you take them seriously
SuPeRb0y21213: and dont get me wrong there are moments of too intense
SuPeRb0y21213: but i love that you make sure an effort at friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: i love it
SuPeRb0y21213: i love you

You don't even know. I was so upset earlier. You should've read the post I wrote earlier...before I decided to save it as a draft instead. I was not pleased, not at all. I hate being so alone. And I hate being reminded of how alone I am. Agreeing with you, it is not a personal attack, but it still makes me feel more lonely than I did before. I don't like it. I don't like crying. It's stupid. I also don't like when people don't think before they talk. I just remembered something someone said a couple of days ago in reference to crying. I laughed it off, but it really made me upset. I try not to think about it. I wish I could depend on more people than I can. Oh well. Can't win them all, I guess. Ha?

I'm glad the city is okay. I have that to be thankful for. And I am. I always find myself to be upset about a lot of things, yes. But I always always always find myself to be thankful for everything I have whether it be a person, or a meal, or a new pillow. I always say thank you. I love that about myself. I always let people know how grateful I am for them. I am usually on top of things like that all the time. I mean every word I say. I mean every "thank you" and "I love you". If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it.

I really want to go back to school. I want normalcy. I want company. I want my bed. I want my pictures. I don't like being alone, as previously stated. I hate being so miserable especially when I know everyone else is content, even happy. I just don't like being one of the few who can't be happy. I don't like not being happy. Obvious statement, right?

I love Kaleb Babb. This is what I told him, " I feel like my day is incomplete unless I talk to you. You always have something good to say and you're always pretty levelheaded. I wouldn't survive without you "catching" the kisses I blow you. It's one of my favorite things that you do. I love that you can laugh at yourself. I love that you can be completely inappropriate and it not be inappropriate at all. You're always there. You're always caring about the people you love. You're supportive. You're realistic. You tell the truth. You're so important to me. I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you. I miss you so much. You have undoubtedly become a vitally essential part of my life. You make me so happy. Period."

You all should try to be more like Kaleb. He's amazing. I love him so much. He is the voice of reason. Fasho. At Tebbe's college kids going away party, he was in the middle of the circle and I didn't want to say it in front of everyone because I guess it could be offensive to other people (I don't know, whatever). I pulled him aside after and I was like, "I didn't want to say this in front of everyone, but I wanted you to know that I love that you have never dissapointed me." Mostly everyone else has at least once. Most likely a lot more than once. He never has. I love that more than ANY of you could ever know. I cannot survive without this boy. I love him dearly. Again, you all should try to be more like Kaleb - he's naturally perfect. :D

He has made me feel significantly better about what I was upset about. Loveit. Now that I have found myself to be tired again, I think I might go back to sleep since I'm not so angry anymore. I feel a lot better now. Phew. *sighs* All for now darlings.

xoxo DannDann

Hattiesburg

I'm in Hattiesburg. I'm in my sister's apartment witn my sister, my father, and my mother. I can only tolerate my father. I have internet but the phones are already all busy and I can barely get through to anyone. Thank God for texting and skype. There is nothing for me to do here. I can't stop worrying. I can't smile. I can't be anything but anxious. I had so many anxiety attacks yesterday. I cried all last night and I cried twice this morning. I called Cameron to talk to him and this is how that went:

Cameron - What's up?
Me - Nothing, just freaking the fuck out.
Cameron - Why?
Me - Ummm...evacuation...
Cameron - Yeah I don't really want to talk to about that
Me - *hangs up*

I was so angry. I get that you're 2,000 miles away and all but that doesn't mean you can stop caring about us. It really made me upset. Blythe, Hannah, and Casi have told me that if their houses get fucked up, they're not coming back. I won't be able to deal with that. I promise you that. I really can't stop thinking about it. Oh fuck, my sister's roommate just got home. It's funny. I used to hate her more than my sister, but those roles are reversed now. Either way, I hate them both. I hate being here. So much. I just want to see my friends. They are much more of my family than these people are. Matt said he was going to try to meet up with the rest of the Diamond today and that he would bring his computer and Skype me. I hope that works out. I just saw them a couple of days ago, but they're like my foundation you know? My friends are my life. Period.

My parents want me to go see a movie with them. The only reason I wouldn't go is because I wanna see my friends way more than a fucking movie. I don't know what to do with myself. If you have webcam/Skype, let me know. Text me. Call me (if you can). Let me know where you are. Stay safe. Keep in touch. I love you all.

xoxo

Goodbye for now

I hate evacuating. I'm leaving in like 5 minutes. Going to hattiesburg. Text me or call me to let me know you are safe. 504 453 3602. I don't know if I will have internet or phone service, but I will try to get on here when I can. Stay safe. I send my love to you all.

I hope all turns out well...or well enough.

xoxo DannDann

"I'm pretty sure we will meet again and get married eventually"

I love being a creeper. I don't see anything wrong with it. Reflective aviators were made for people like me. Story of the day - I was walking to class and I was wearing my aviators. (I love wearing them because I always stare at people and they don't know it!) So I would like check out the hott guys I saw and whatnot, especially since it wasn't obvious since they couldn't see my eyes. And I'm walking and I see this delicious boy. Not like "polo, hollister jeans, and american eagle flip flops" delicious, he was "shaggy hair, jeans, a band shirt, and chucks" delicious. So the first thing I saw were his chucks and I looked him over from bottom to top. I see the chucks, I see the jeans, I see the band shirt, and I'm thinking he's very cute. So I get to his face and he's wearing REFLECTIVE AVIATORS TOO!!! Oh my God I started laughing so hard and people stared at me. It was the best moment ever. I'm pretty sure we will meet again and get married eventually. It was too perfect.

Quote of the day -
"Doesn't Guidry remind you of a hippo?" - me
"Yeah, like you just want to play her till she eats all the marbles!" - Nametag

Love it. I'm really liking school. Weird. I'm getting all my shit done and everything is in order. I know its only been like two weeks, but it's longer than I thought this whole organization thing would last. I miss seeing Olivia. You think since we go to school together I would see her like everyday. I've only seen her twice in the past 2 weeks. I hope we can hang out soon.

Kaleb's blog got me thinking. PS - you should read it if you haven't. I doubt so many things. All the time. I try to focus on all the positive things as much as I can, hence the reason I give people multiple chances. This is weird though. I don't know how to word it. I explained it to Olivia. Okay... My love is greater than my hate. But I hate the things I hate more than I love the things I love. Does that make sense? Oh and that's not in general, just in certain circumstances. I'm not a hateful person, just a realistic one. Everytime I think about things like this, it just confuses me more. Like the things I'm trying to fix are getting in the way of me fixing them. Make sense? If not, think of it in context to Chip on Your Should (from LB) when he says "Could it be the real thing in your way is the very guy you're trying to impress?" Kind of like that. Not exactly. But I feel like the things I'm working really hard at are in the way of me succeeding in fixing things or just improving them? I think that's what I'm trying to say. I want to be positive and I'm trying, but sometimes it just gets hard when you know it's tearing you up.

I like blogging. It always make me think, which is usually a bad thing since I overthink everything. But I really like blogging. It helps me realize what I'm thinking. I always have to like write things or say them out loud for me to completely comprehend or realize my thoughts and where they come from and why I think them. I don't know. It's weird. On another note, I'm worried that my friends think I'm a bitch. I've been thinking about this a WHOLE lot lately. I realized that people who hear me or talk to me or read what I write, if they don't know me I could possibly seem like the biggest bitch in the world. I don't like it. The people who know me, know that that's how I work and that my casual "bitch" moments are not me being a bitch at all. You will know when I'm being a bitch. I'm just a smartass I guess. I really hope my friends don't think that because I really don't mean half the mean things I say, but I'm just meaner to people I'm closer to because I know they can take it and they know I love them and that I just need to be a smartass, it's me. It's just who I am and I'm not sorry for it, I just don't want people to really think I don't care because I say the things that I say. I'm not really a bitch, seriously. I can be, but I'm not. Like for real, you will know when I'm being a bitch. I don't know. It kind of aggravates me that I can even be perceived that way. Whatever. I guess people just need to get to know me.

I've been listening to Legally Blonde too much lately. Like all the time. Every day. I hope this stupid fucking hurricane doesn't hit NOLA. I'm coming in this weekend and I had my whole fucking weekend planned. Ha! Surprise? NO! I want to have fun this weekend, so hopefully that big bitch doesnt come at us. Grrr. Well, I'm done with classes for the day. I think I will nap. PS - you people need to call me every once in a while. I kind of miss you fuckers. I don't know. That's a lie. I always know. That's a good note to end on.

xoxo DannDann