"If you were not alive, I would eat you!"

Hello my beautiful friends. These past 48 hours have been blog-worthy. It all started with lots and lots of tears. So I was talking to Matt about the blog I had posted that night and about the part that was about him. And I was sobbing the entire time we were talking but so was he. I came to the realization that the good in Matthew is more good than the bad in the bad of Matthew...I hope that made sense because that's the only way I can really explain it. The whole stand your ground thing still applies. I needed to stay mad long enough to prove my point and I needed to show that I was serious, which I was and still am, and I needed to let him know that I should be important to him because I was before. This sounds conceited; however, if you know our friendship this would make a lot more sense I guess. I don't know. I'm just writing to write, not to ask if you understand me and Matt's complicated web of a friendship. Whatever. I need to stop getting off topic. Anyway, so I came to the conclusion that I should love the Matthew that I became friends with and not the asshole Matthew that was there for some time. So things with me and Matthew are much better.

Then I saw Aida again yesterday with Janie, Mo, and Jody. It was good. Then afterwards Janie, Mo, Jody, Ethan, and I went to Krispy Kreme. Now I will take time to express how jealous you should be if you were not there. Oh my God. Firstly, I'm really glad I got to hang out with Ethan seeing as how the last time we hung out was with Uncle Wayne while working PUPPETS. Secondly, I never knew how funny these kids were. And I know I find nearly EVERYTHING amusing, but everything they said was just hilarious and it was normal day-to-day humor for them. Shit, I wish I could be as funny as them. They are cool kids. I love it. I want to hang out with them more. I really enjoyed myself yesterday. If any of the four of you read this, well I know Jody will, so if any of the other three of you read this, then thank you for letting me hang out with you guys yesterday. I had a ridiculous amount of fun. "No, I will not take off my sweater so you can show me where my wagina is." How silly. Love it.

Then I had rehearsal which was pretty chill. I gave Matthew a hug for the first time in about two weeks. It sounds stupid, but it had been a fucking long time. Then after rehearsal Hannah, Matt, Kaleb, and I went to Taco Bell. We were leaving after we ate and we found a kitty! A KITTY! First we named her Trouser, then Twitter, then we ended up naming her Marty. I will explain. So we put her in my car after realizing that we had to save her from the streets. We went to Wal-Mart to get stuff that cats need to SURVIVE and I sat in my car with the cat. I found a Wal-Mart hand basket (the one you put vegetables in, not the metal ones with wheels) and put a towel from my trunk into the basket and put Marty (her new name since we got her temporary bed from a Wal-Mart basket) in the basket in my backseat. Then we went to Matt's house and surprised his mom with the cat asking if we could let it sleep there for the night until we had a plan the next morning. We said it was covered in lettuce and dirt and it was in a puddle and was licking hot sauce packets since it had no food....all of which were..... LIES!!! PS - In case you're a fucking IDIOT, Marty is the cat in the picture.

So Marty stayed there with me and Matt after Kaleb and Hannah left. I stayed there for a good two hours after they left. Haha. Then I went home and today Matthew texted me and said that they were giving Marty to his brother's friend. I left what I was doing and drove to his house so I could be with the fucking cat. How ridiculous. Haha. We brought her to meet Tyler since Tyler is her Fairy Godmother after all. And she had to meet Pugmuff, her husband, as well. Anyway, so then we kidnapped Tyler and he came with me, Hannah, Matt, and Marty to go to the house of the soon to be owner of Marty. And we got there and the stupid ho was like shooing us away discreetly, very nicely as well, but you could totally tell she was like, "Fuck you! It's my cat now!" and I just wanted to be like, "She will never be yours! She is OURS!" Too bad this conversation didn't happen. I would've loved it. Looooooved it. Then we went back to Matt's and hung out for a few hours and ate breakfast for dinner and then we brought Tyler home and then I picked up my sister (who was on the phone the ENTIRE way home, how annoying!) from work. Then went home.

Talked to Tyler a bit when I got home. He's really sad his show is over. Him being sad makes me sad. I wish there were something I could do to make him feel better. I think he feels relatively close to how I felt after Godspell, but I think I was much worse. Much, much, much worse. Are commas appropriate after saying much? I don't know. I don't really care that much actually. HA! Surprise. Anyway, I just want him to be happy and not so down about the show being over. It's one of those, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." And I know it JUST ended, like YESTERDAY, but I still don't like to see him sad. I just have to be there for him, you know? Why am I asking you? I'm not. I'm silly. I'm tired too.

This is what happens when you can't sleep at 4:15 AM. This blog is what happens. Tomorrow I shall go to the hospital again to visit and then go to rehearsal and do something after. Hannah is quiting the show. :( Sadness all throughout the land. I don't like it. I shall miss my other half when we are there. Alright. I'm going. For real real. Not for play play. Night lovers.

xoxo DannDann

Buy your black dress...

So if I died tomorrow what would you do? You, personally, what would you do?

I always wonder that if I died right now, in the middle of typing this word, or this one, what if I just died? What would happen? Who would go to my funeral? What would they wear? Why would they be wearing it? Would they bring flowers? How long would they stay? Would they be crying? Would they be there even if they were the only one? What would they say? Would they say anything? Would they know my middle name? Would they know my favorite color? Would they know how much I loved them? How would everyone feel? Would I have known how much I meant to them? Did they even let me know how much I meant to them at all? What would happen?

In case I do die tomorrow and you do go to my funeral, my middle name is Marion and my favorite colors are pink and teal. I want to know what I mean to people. If you hate me, I want to know why. If you love me, I want to know why. If you cherish a moment you had with me, I want to know where and when it was. If you believe I have changed your life in the smallest way, tell me. If I'm a horrible person, tell me. If I make you smile every time you think about me, tell me. What good is having feelings if you're going to keep them to yourself? Why hide how you feel...because you're scared of getting hurt? So what if you do, what if you get hurt? You get better, that's what. I hate that people don't say how they feel because they're afraid to open up to people. What is everyone so afraid of?

Well, what if this happens or what if they betray me or what if I would have said something different or what if I wouldn't have met that person? You can't live in a world of what if. You can't ask yourself what if something will or could have happened because it hasn't or it didn't. You have to live for now. Live each day as if it's your last. Don't compromise something important to you. That really makes me think about how I'm living my life. All my life I've done things for other people, to make everyone else happy, and don't get me wrong, making people happy is one of my favorite things...but sometimes I need to make myself happy first. I'm not happy. I am not a happy person. I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I don't want to give up on a fight over something I believe is necessary just to avoid pain. If I get hurt, so the fuck what, I get back up.

I don't live with regrets. I don't want to regret my last (less than a) month of summer because I was too busy trying to make everyone else happy. After August 15th, that's it, I'm gone. I'm out of New Orleans. I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't really want to. I decide who I stay in touch with. I decide who I want to stay in touch with based on right now. RIGHT NOW. I refuse to have someone else control who those people will be. I will not be told how to act just to make everyone else comfortable. I do not like how I have come to feel about certain people but I love how I have come to feel about others. Give people chances. If they fuck up, give them another one, and if they fuck up again...then you have to decide whether or not you want to get hurt again. Pick your battles and when you decide which one you want to pick, don't give up. Life is too short to give up on what you believe in, what you want. And everyone says life is too short to hold grudges, but maybe you need to hold grudges to get the point across. Be vocal. Tell people you care. Let people in.

Tell someone something stupid. I hate all green vegetables except lettuce and string beans. Tell someone something meaningful. I love you. Mean it. Show people you care. Hug someone. Let people know that they matter. Whether or not you know it, you may be giving someone hope by telling them that you're glad you're friends with them. You may know nothing about me. I may be having the worst possible day of my life even though I'm wearing a smile that would say otherwise and maybe all I need is for you to tell me that you like my eyes or my smile, no matter how fake it may be. It can't hurt to remind someone how much you love them. I try to do that as much as possible. And when someone hurts you, let them know, before it's too late. People will get hurt. People will cry. People will want to give up and just cut everyone off. Shit happens. Lots and lots of shit happen. Just when you think you can't handle it...when you realize that someone you love is dying and one of your best friends has cancer and another one is moving halfway across the country and the person you're madly in love with could really care less about you and another one of your best friends tells you that you don't let them know that you care...but when you are ready to give up on everything possible, maybe all you need to hear is, "I love to hear you laugh."

Just remind people of how much you love them or how amazing they are. That's all I ask. Whether it be me or someone else, I don't care. Fight for what you believe in and don't be afraid to show people what you feel. Don't be afraid to get hurt. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid. I realize this is much easier said than done. I also want to say that I'm deeply sorry for any frustration or sorrow or pain I've unintentionally caused anyone, especially you, since I know you will read this and not tell me that you've read this since you think I hate you, but I just don't want to get hurt anymore. I don't want to debate this with you anymore. I don't hate you. I care about you more than you could possibly ever know and if I didn't, this wouldn't be so hard. I don't hate you, I just can't know that you're there for me right now because if I view you as an option, it's like I never cancelled you out in the first place and I will go back to you. I'm fighting for what I want. I want to be happy. I don't want to fall into that cycle again and I know I will if I give in. I'm sorry if it's difficult for you, just know that's it harder for me. Please just know that.

I think I'm done ranting and saying what I have to say. I haven't stopped typing to read it yet. I don't think I will. PS - I saw Aida tonight and I screamed Tyler's name during curtain call. I had tears in my eyes. I'm very proud of him. He's amazing. I let him know that tonight. I love that boy a lot more than I ever thought I would. He's very important to me. So are a lot of people. I will let you know when I see you next. I think this was very good and straight from the heart and EXTREMELY well written. Just saying. This was very relieveing. That's all for now. Good night.

xoxo DannDann

Vampires

So let me fucking tell you all about the past fourteen hours of my life....

My three good guy friends in the show (Tyler, Kaleb, Jody) - none of them were at rehearsal. I should have known from the start that this was not going be a good night. Blah Blah Blah rehearsal. Quite possibly one of the most awkward rehearsals that I've had. PS - I don't do awkward. I don't play that game. No me gusta. So it was really awkward around Matt and Darren but for two completely different reasons. Anyway, so I dealt witht that best as I could. Whatever. Then we're leaving and me and Hannah decide that we're going to Matt's house to watch a movie. Oh, but wait! So Hannah leaves and I'm about to pull out of the parking lot and Matt is like, "Hey guess what you have a flat tire." FUCK. So I called Hannah and she came back and until she got there I sat in my car and listened to [title of show] and screamed and cried. It was just not going well for me at all.

So then Hannah gets there and I was very tempted to ask her for a cigarette, but I resisted. Good decision. So I got in her car and talked to Tyler for a bit. Then I called the parents and told them what the deal was and then I got off the phone with mother and I just looked out the window and just started fucking crying. Life is just so overwhelming at the fucking worst possible times. I hate it. So then me and Hannah get to my house and we decide to go to IHOP because that would make life better. We were right. Oh my God, chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs have never made me happier. Then we went back to my house. We talked to Schym on skype about...various topics...Hahaha. I love that boy. Oh! While I'm thinking about it, I want to say how proud I am of him. I really am. I can't wait to see him in Aida. He opened this morning. I left him a voice mail, two texts, and a wall post telling him to break a leg. I love him dearly. So yeah me and Hannah hung out for a while and it made me feel better and then she left and then I talked to Tyler for a bit after that. Then I went to bed at like 5.

I was woken up at 6:30. My father was going to bring me to St. Francis to call AAA and get the tire changed out before he went to work. When did we leave? 45 FUCKING MINUTES LATER, that's when! Why wake me up and tell me to get ready when I very well told you the night before that I needed three minutes to get ready? Period. GAH! So we get to St. Francis at like 7:40ish. Called AAA. I waited on the side of Metairie Road with a lugnut in my hand and Pringles in the other. So it's 7:54 (exactly) and I have nothing to do. So I just start thinking. And for those of you who know [title of show], I heard the vampire (regarding my choices, not so much my Broadway skills). I just stood there, watching the cars drive by, and all I could think of was, "Are you making the right choice? What are you doing? You could possibly be making a huge mistake. Give up."

And of course, three and a half seconds later the AAA pulls up. Fuck. And the whole time he was changing the tire all I could think of was if I was making the right choice or not. So the tire gets changed. I get in my car and I'm driving to Firestone. I put in Paramore (on shuffle, as always), who I haven't listened to in foreverrrr but I love soooo much. It made me think about everything in regards to THE situation. I feel like I'm making the wrong decision, but at the same time I feel like I'm making the right one. He just makes it so hard to not be friends with him. I don't like that he is still trying to be friends with me because acts like nothing happened, like everything is fine. Everything is CLEARLY not fine. I just...God I just want to yell at him for an hour straight. I just don't like what this turned in to and whether this is the right or wrong thing to do, I feel like I have to do it, like actually follow through with it this time because last time I didn't and I went with me heart and where the fuck did that get me? HERE. Right back to Sqaure 1, that's where. It's so goddamn frustrating.

So I got to Firestone and I was there for an hour and a half. Really? Please, next time take LONGER to change my tire. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That was a long time to think as well. I just hate that it's the only thing I can think about. I need to stop thinking about it because the more I think about, the more I question what I'm doing. But then again I don't know if I want to stop questioning what I'm doing it or whether I should question it more. I need to stop typing about this because I keep thinking about it. Stoping. Now.

I need to cash my paycheck. I need money for Aida. Sunday matinee, me and Hannah. Everyone should join us. That would be so much fun and then we could all go get food somewhere and then go to rehearsal. I'm a fucking genius. Yes I am. Oh my. Well this blog feels really fucking long. I think I will stop now, I just had to type out my life for a bit to know that if it's HERE, that it WILL get better. It has to. Die, vampire, die.

xoxo DannDann

Summer 2008, you're one crazy motherfucker.

Hmmmm where everything is now is definitely not where things were May 18, 2008. Then summer hit and everything changed. Some things that were and still are really fucking bad and other things that I could not have ever dreamt to bring me such happiness and contentment. Where to begin? Summer 2008, you've given me a whole bunch of shit to think about...

Graduation - the first official night of summer. Started off with alocohol in hand and a beautiful pair of red heels. How amazing. We all danced at The Venue and I got waaaaaasted. Then we went to Kingsley's and had some...interesting...experiences. That was a fun night. Vodka, driveways, and cheese. What a night. I'm glad that was my first night of summer. Way to start it off.

So I have changed my mind and realized that I am not going to type an event title and then give a summary like I just did with Graduation. That's too boring. I figure I will just talk about what's important now because of what happened...Star of David. Holy fuck. I had no idea I could be so close to and in check with two pepople. Oh my God, Hannah and Tyler have changed my life in ways that I never could have even expected. It took us all only a week to realize that we are best firends. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around pepople, I've never had so much fun around people. I'm so glad they're two of my best friends. I have no idea in hell as to where I would be without them, I don't even want to think about that. It scares the fuck out of me that I will be an hour away from them when I go to school. I know its not that far away, but I hope nothing changes. I know something will most likely change, but I just love them so much and they mean the world to me. We're intimidating. I love it.

I'm really glad Casi is staying in New Orleans as well as Blythe and Jody. This means I can see them as often as the Star. Casi - this summer I haven't seen Casi that much and we don't talk as much anymore. But she is, hands down, one of my best friends. I need to see her more. I miss her alot. Wow. Like a whooooole lot. We've had some really fucking fun times when we actually have seen each other this summer. I love her. Now, Jody - the boy with amazing hair. Haha. How silly. I'm really glad that I''ve gotten a lot closer to Jody through Cinderella and now through Pajama Game. He's a really chill kid. I hope I get closer to him before the summer ends. I trust him. He's good in my book...if I actually had a book. Blythe - what a fucking riot. We never stop laughing when we're together. I love her sooooo much. She knows so much about me. We talked a lot after prom at Hayli's house and I don't know, I feel like over the past year we've gotten a lot closer. I love that. She is such an amazing person and she's a really good friend. I'm glad we did Cinderella together. I wish she was doing Pajama Game. I really miss her.

I'm more than thrilled that Olivia is going to Southeastern with me. And Nametag!!! Oh my God I miss Nametag. I think I'm seeing her today. I've seen her ONCE this summer. Not good. But I'm really glad Olivia's coming to school with me. I don't think I could deal with seeing her less than I do now. Destin was fun. She came with me. I loooove the beach. I wish I were still there. I went to Fudpuckers! I've always wanted to go there...check mark. Oh my God! I can't believe Cameron is going to California. I don't like to think about it. We've had our ups and downs but I miss him a lot. He gets me more than I thought he would. It surprises me how well he knows me. Well it surprises me how well Hannah and Tyler know me. Olivia, Blythe, and Casi don't surprise me. You know who knows me better than I thought he would? Jody. I get so surprised when people know me better than I thought they would. I love it!!

I don't want this summer to end. It's good. It's the best one yet. I like being busy busy busy. It keeps me entertained. I like this summer being my last summer. I'm doing everything I always wanted to do during summers, well I'm doing it this summer since it's my last summer. I always wanted to do summer shows and I've just been very very very open to a lot of new people. I like it. I'm so glad I decided to do Godspell because Godspell made me want to do Cinderella and Cinderella made me want to do Pajama Game. And my life is so different than it was before Godspell. Fuck, that's where it all started. I love it. I miss it.

I miss lots of things. I think I've gotten a lot more real and a lot more open minded at the same time in the past six months. I like it. As Hannah says, "They're intimidating because they're bitchy; we're intimidating because we're real" So true, yes indeed. I love my friends. That's all I have for now. Life is good.

xoxo DannDann

And that is the period.

I hate knowing that I've done all I can and that nothing that I could possibly do anymore would help the situation. I wish for so much. I try so hard to make sure he's happy. And I get yelled at and unappreciated, that's what I get.

Today was a perfectly fine disaster. It started at midnight when my best friend still continued to let me slip away. Then Twitter statuses started to get ridiculous. I can't believe he was being so ridiculous. I can't believe I was being so ridiculous, as well. Then I talked to Kaleb for like an hour until about 5 in the morning. The only good thing that happened to me in the very beginning hours of the morning was that song. Then I ended up going to sleep around 6:20 in the morning. I woke up again at about one.

Then Matthew instant messaged me in an attempt to talk about the previous evening of drama. That worked swell. Or not at all. I can't do it anymore. It was three something in the afternoon and I was bawling my eyes out, just as I had done the night before over the exact same thing, except this time the words were harsher. This is what I said to him, "i dont like not knowing what to say around you. i dont like knowing that i have to hold back a lot of what i want to say when i talk to you and you still get aggravated. i dont like that this isnt working. i dont like that i feel like im losing you, or that youre losing me, i guess is more accurate to how i feel. i dont like that i can say that and have it be true. i dont like trying to make things better and having them become worse. i dont like not knowing how to respond. i dont like feeling like i cant be myself around you anymore." And then come to find out he feels like he hasnt been able to be himself around me since Jody's. JODY'S! I had no idea that I, myself, felt this way until about three fucking days ago!

I can't do it anymore. I really can't. Matthew, I'm not trying to mold you into the friend I want you to be. I like that no one else in the world is like you. I love it actually. I didn't like you once you started becoming an asshole and once you started thinking about how insignificant I am to you, but yet you tell me today that you can't afford to lose me. No, you can't afford to lose me. Yet, you say things like "then stop trying. take it for what it is. we're either friends or we aren't." Direct quote. You really can't lose me? Stop trying? How much do you care Matthew, or how much do you not care? I just don't see how this will work. I guess it's hopeless. I guess sometimes you just have to realize when to walk away.

I was right. This is the beginning of the end. Period.

xoxo

Where do we go from here?

I wonder what happens when everyone realizes how much they need you. Where do we go from here? How is it possible to care about someone who is such an idiot? And of course, you can't tell them the blunt truth, word-for-word, because that would be too harsh and then you would be a bitch for saying it in the first place, and he would think the completely wrong thing about what you're trying to say. What happens when he cares so much about being with them that he loses the ones who really matter?

What happens when you forget all the time that he's so much younger than you and that you won't see him every day for the next year when you've seen him everyday for the past month and a half? And what if he gets taken away by the people you can't stand the most? And I can't say I support it, but I can't say I don't. I can't win. Even if I did have the mailbox and pillowcases to prove it, nothing would change. Where do we go from here when you can't stick up for me, but you can stick up for him?

What happens when you realize all the mistakes you've made, the few that people know about, and the many that you've told anyone? And you think, what if things were different...no, what if things will be different? If things change, if people change...when people change. Where do we go from here when everyone is changing and nobody is stopping to say "Slow the fuck down! Please." Where do we go when we realize we waited too long to stop and realize that what we had was perfect and that it's not what we have anymore? What about when you can't stop thinking about people who you need to stop thinking about? What then?

What happens when you go to college and you leave six of your seven best friends, and right now you could give a fuck less about three of them because they all conveniently decide that they have better things to do and better people to talk to and you still only have one fucking month left? What happens when you wake up in your bed in your dorm an hour away from everything you knew and what the fuck happens when you realize that it was gone long before you left the city? When will people just stop and realize what their priorities are and who will be there for them in the long run? When will the people who you used to matter to realize that they've lost you - when it's too late? Is that when?

And why is it that I can just sit here at 1:20 in the morning and just listen to this song, the same song that I've listened to for the past thirty five minutes, and not care about anything but the fact that I refuse to go back and hypenate thirty five. And again. And why are Hannah, this song, and Reginelli's the only things that can make me relatively content with my life? Why can't I let go of him? And him? And him? When will I realize that I can't fix everything? When will I realize that maybe not everything can be fixed? You can't do it all, Dani. And that's okay. All you can do is you and if people aren't going to stop and realize that you doing you is possibly the best thing that they could do for themselves, then fuck it.

What good is worrying your life away when all the time I spend worrying could be time spent loving this song even more and loving the people who sing it. And I could spend my time being jealous of them and how fucking amazing they are, or I could spend my time being thankful that I have the pleasure of being friends with these people, the people that other people look at and say, "Damn, I wish I knew them". Why worry about incorrect punctuation when I can think about that dress that I wore on my birthday? God, I love that dress. I can't just sit here and worry about everyone all the time. Sometimes I just need to chill the fuck out and not think about anything or just think about things that would make me happy in the most perfect ways. Like those bangs. Or my prom shoes. Or Hannah getting her radio fixed. Or Tyler wearing tights. Or sleeping at a boat launch and watching the sun come up after the worst night ever. Or hearing Monique sing. Or baking brownies with Matthew. Or being part of the Star of David. Or hearing people laugh. God, I love to hear people laugh.

Jody. What a silly silly silly boy. This was such a good idea. A very very good idea. I wonder if you have read this far...I like your voice. I'm sure I've told you this nine thousand times. I'm just still listening to the song. For the past fifty minutes now. It makes me happy.

This is long. I like it. I'm really glad I wrote this. Sweet dreams world. It's been real.

xoxo DannDann