See, I'm Smiling

I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday or the day before or the week before or the month before. I just want to know why everything is the way it is. Why you're not there, why I love you, why I'm scared, why you don't care, I just want to know why. I want reasons. I want answers. I don't have them. Everyone thinks I will always know what to do in situations, and for the most part I do, but everyone breaks. Everyone has cracks in their foundation whether everyone else can see them or not.

I just want to be able to understand why reality is the exact opposite of what I want it to be. We're supposed to fight our battles and get over them and move on. We're supposed to give legitimate reasons for the way we feel. You'll never know. You think you will and I will tell you that you're right, but you're not and I'm way too vulnerable to tell you that you're wrong in fear that you will guess again and then you'll guess the right thing eventually after guessing every single fucking wrong answer you could possibly guess. And when you get it right, I will be devastated, unbearably devastated, because that will be the moment that reality hits me in the face and says FUCK YOU because NOTHING will EVER be what I want it to be.

And just when I think I'll get over it...just when I think about how I'm going to be okay...just when it seems to be alright, I'm constantly reassured that it's not, that nothing will change, that I will be just as miserable as I was the day before and that I still will never tell anyone how I'm feeling. But I'm always open and everyone knows how I feel and people can read me perfectly and its easy to always see when I'm upset and it's always clear why I'm upset and everyone just always knows everything I'm thinking...right? Wrong.

I just hate knowing that I will never get what I really want, what I know could really make me happy. And nobody knows, nobody can know. I couldn't tell anyone if I wanted to. And I don't want to, so I guess that's the only easy part about this is not telling people. It's almost impossible to be on your A Game with me anymore because you don't even know what I'm thinking and what I want and who is important to me. None of you know how I'm feeling. Everyone knows me so fucking well and inside and out, right? RIGHT? YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't. You have no idea how much this kills me. And you never will. But it's okay because I guess I'm not asking you to know.

xoxo DannDann

TAKE A BREAK!

So it's noon on Mardi Gras Day and instead of being at a parade, I'm sitting on my living room sofa with my leg propped in the air. So let me tell you what happened last night. One substance + a lot of another substance = Camille's bathroom floor. After I could stand, we left Camille's and I fell and sprained my ankle, yes the same ankle I always sprain. Fanfuckingtastic. Mardi Gras is always completely different than I expect it to be. And I always have good parades and bad parades.

Junior year - Endymion was bad. Bacchus was amazing. Senior year - Endymion was amazing. Bacchus was really really really bad. This year - Endymion was pretty chill. Me and Hannah had an adventure into a woman's house. We're twenty-one, remember? It was fun. Then Bacchus, I got kinda drunk, you could say that. BONJOUR! Haha. Yes. Olivia was with me, so I was really happy about that. I had my two favorite ladies with me. Lil Mayo and Lil Stutter. Haha. I died. Then last night we didn't even really see the parade. I saw like everyone that I knew though. I saw Dana and Jen. It made me really happy to see them. I miss them a lot. Awwww. I was so happy to see them. Then everything happened that I already mentioned. Then Kaleb bought me Taco Bell. I love him so much. Hahaha. Then we came back to my house and ate and cuddled and napped. It was cute.

I don't know whether I'm going back to school tomorrow or Thursday. I think I might end up going up tomorrow. I might go up on Thursday though. I think I will go up on Thursday instead so I can hang out with Hannah Wednesday and Thursday if she can. I miss everyone so much. It gets harder and harder when I'm at school. I still don't have anyone that I'm real close to up there. Like I'm close to Dana and Jen and Ashley, but it's not like with everyone here. I miss it a lot. Especially since Kaylen isn't here anymore, it's really hard for me to deal with. I don't tell anyone that. I tell everyone I miss them, but it's not like I'm just saying the words to say them. I really mean them. I can genuinely miss people after not seeing them for a day. It's strange.

I love Mardi Gras though, I really do. It makes me happy. It's just so crazy and loud and fun. It's a big party. I like it. New Orleans is a big party. New York City may be the city that never sleeps, but New Orleans is the city that never shuts the fuck up. My sister says that all the time. I love it because it's so true. Haha. I hope these next three days are chill. Then I come home Friday again and I get to see Brycie on Saturday. I'm too excited for that. I haven't stopped talking about it for the past two weeks.

I'm kind of okay with where I am right now. Well as far as everyone should be concerned, I'm fairly okay with all of the things that everyone knows about. The other things that people don't know about, not so much, but then again, that's why people don't know them. Silliness. But other than that I'm alright. I'm just chill. I don't want to party the rest of the week. When Bryce comes in, I'm down, but before then, I just kind of want to take a break. TAKE A BREAK. WELL THEN TAKE ANOTHER ONE. Oh fuck, that shit was too fucking funny. Happy Mardi Gras, everyone!

xoxo DannDann

You cannot melt the moon! You are not Jesus!

Hello lovers. It's been quite a while. Sitting here at Hannah's work, yet again, and enjoying myself completely. So...my life is all over the place. It's not like it's uncontrollable, I'm just dipping my feet in every pool pretty much. Make sense? Kcool.

I'm dropping my History class soon. Other than that, school is going pretty well. It has to be since I need a 3.7 this semester. I'm a bit worried about that, but other than that, school is going well. I haven't been going out nearly as much as I did last semester, but I think that's good. When I do go out, it makes it so much more worth it. This Thursday for example. I went out with "the hippies." Oh my fucking hell, I love them. I was surprised that Zach was there. It was me, Nicco, Zach, Lindsey, and Paul. And this girl Erica who I thought was mute because she would like never talk. Turns out I was wrong, she's just quiet. I don't know why she hangs out with people like us then. It's rather silly. So, yes, school...going well.

My hair looks phenomenal. I'm not putting up any pictures of it until the majority of you see it. It looks soooooo fucking good. Today is going to be my first parade this year and my first Mardi Gras related experience period for the year. I'm super super excited. Endymion with The Star? Could it get any better? NO.

Hannah - "Do I judge you?"
Me - "Do I............NO!"

Hahaha. Last night was so much fun. Me and Hannah are festive to say the least. We had an amazing night. We bought Enchanted. And we went to Walmart where the line was like seventeen miles long. No exaggeration. Okay, maybe a baby tiny exaggeration. Oh well. I'm kind of broke and by kind of, I mean really. But as long as I can scrounge up money for alcohol and food this weekend, I will be set. OH MY FUCK! About how Bryce has become one of my best friends and I honestly could not be happier about that. He is too much. Like the Heat Miser, not to be confused with Jesus Christ, that's Schym. Whoa. I just referenced twelve different inside jokes. That was silly. I liked it. *Cookie voice* I like that. Hahahahaha. Oh, Cookie. She will be making a few appearances this weekend. Loveit. But yeah, Bryce comes home a week from today. We will be inseperable. If you have Twitter, you have probably stopped following us to your phone, or at all, period. We tweet a lot. On the verge of too much (see inside joke chain that follows, as shown above) (<---gay) I would even say, but it is not too much. It is perfect.

Well Hannah and I must leave soon and go get ready for Endymion. I am sooooo excited! I love Mardi Gras. See you fuckers out there!

xoxo DannDann

Bend & Not Break

I'm sitting here at 1:31 in the morning and I don't even want to sleep. I want to do something. I want to write. This song is putting me in the perfect writing mood. Listen to it. Bend & Not Break by Dashboard Confessional. What an appropriate song. They're so good.

I think since this year started, I have found out so much about myself. About what I want, about who I want, about the way I act. I feel like I have discovered way more of myself in a short period of time, well much more than I thought I would. Things have had a weird way of working themselves out. As much as I want to cry about losing two of my closest friends (by my choice completely), I'm so happy without them. That sounds really extreme, but it's incredibly true. Scratch that. It's tremensley true. I hope you got that Sweetea. Haha. Loveit. Anyway, I realized how much happier I am without having to worry about getting blamed for everything with them when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm not really bitter about it or anything, even when I look at their pictures on the wall, I'm okay knowing that we aren't friends anymore and I can just look at those pictures and remember the good times. And yeah the good times we're real good, but all the bullshit and drama wasn't worth it for me. It took a lot for me to walk away knowing I would lose those good times as well as those bad. I'm insanely proud of myself for learning when to walk away. I've been meaning to learn how to do that this past year, and I think I finally got it. I like that.

I was complaining all last week about how people just need to get over themselves. I'm not telling everyone to not fight for what they believe in, and I'm not even saying everyone has to be friends. But I just want people to not be...I don't even know what adjective would fit. If you find the negative, don't hold on to it. Either move past it and keep going or throw it out and be done with it, something I am also coming closer to knowing how to do. Pick your battles. Example: I fought with Ashley for like three days last week for stupid shit. We were both difficult bitches to each other. Friday we blew up at each other and it was really dumb. I was really aggravated. But Friday night, I texted her and apologized. I don't want to fight with people. As much as I had said "Ashley needs to get over herself"...I kind of needed to also. It wasn't worth fighting over. I just want to be friends with people. Even if neither of us did anything wrong, I know she wasn't going to apologize unless I did first. Even if you don't want to initiate an apology, I think you should because otherwise you will stay angry for a long time because all parties invovled are too stubborn to actually fix it. So I just figure...why the fuck not? What do I have to lose?

I want to write more music. I wish I could play so that I could write it easier. I have been feeling so artsy lately. I know how dumb I sound in that last sentence. I have just been taking these really gorgeous pictures of gorgeous things. Yesterday and today, I have at least 80 pictures of the sky. It's so pretty. I have lots of them though, you all must see them. They're gorgeous. Baton Rouge was interesting this weekend...I'm just glad to be back in Hammond again. I missed my room. :]

Storytime: My friend Tim's best friend was this guy named Jamey. He was our age. In September, he got in a drunk driving wreck and flipped his truck 8 times. He passed away that night I think. He was like Tim's brother. Tim helped carry the coffin at Jamey's funeral, which was on Tim's birthday. I know, right? In October, Tim told me that story. We were in Baton Rouge, sitting on Devan and Lane's porch, smoking cigarettes and freezing in the cold. We sat out there for an hour. It made me think of all of my friends. I told him I didn't think I could deal with that. If I was at school and one of my best friends died, I don't know what I would do with myself. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. The good thing is that they always speak so highly of Jamey. I wish I could've met him so badly. I took some really good pictures at the cross that his friends put up for him where the accident was. They always talk about him. About how he was funny and brought everyone together. And how he loved to take pictures and play music. He was the coolest kid on the block...that's what he sounds like. It got me thinking, really thinking. I want to leave a Jamey type of memory for people. I want to be that kid who everyone would remember as "that girl who made me smile" or something awesome like that. I would want people to wish I was there. I want to be a memory. I want to be your memory. I've thought about Jamey almost everyday since Tim told me about him. I cried when we visited his cross. I didn't even know the kid. It's amazing how someone I've never met can have such an impact on me. I really do wish I could've met him. He sounds like someone I would really love.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I'm in the right major. I know that I have the potential to do so many things and I'm just worried that I won't pick the right thing. You know what I would absolutely love to do (and I never thought about this before last semester when I was drunk one night with Kaylen)? I would love to teach. But only high school. I would either want to teach theatre or English. I want to inspire people. I'm real big on the whole leaving a memory, making a difference thing. I really do want to spark an interest in someone and change their lives. I would love that. I just want to help people. I know it sounds silly, but I've always thought that. Ever since I was about nine. Whenever someone would say "I'm put on this earth to be a doctor/fireman/talk show host/therapist" I would always say "I'm put on this earth to help people." I think it's so true. I think my purpose is to help people, to make them happy. I've been trying for as long as I can remember. I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I really do hope so.

I really just felt like writing. This was much longer than I expected it to be. I love writing. It makes me the happiest person in the world. As sad as I have been lately, I've realized how happy I am with my life in general. Getting rid of people I don't need and holding on tighter than ever to the people that are real is exactly what I need. They make me happy. They make me happier than anything on the planet (happier than writing and math lab combined. Watch the fuck out!) could ever make me. If you're one of those people, you should feel pretty damn accomplished. I really like how things are going right now. I really like it.

R.I.P. Jamey

xoxo DannDann

Jack and Jill

Storytales mislead your heart. Storytales don't happen. Storytales are just that...stories. Storytales are someone else's lives, someone else who is happy for more than three minutes at a time.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
And went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

Jill came in and she did grin
To see his paper plaster;
Mother vexed did whip her next
For causing Jack's disaster.

Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry
But her tears did soon abate;
Then Jill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the gate

I'm sure I would be happier if the world was full of Jack's and Jill's.

xoxo DannDann

I'm afraid.

As much as you want to tell yourself that it won't get harder as time goes on...it does.

Everything changes, everyone changes. You think it's as bad as it could be and some of the time it gets better, and some of the time it gets worse. Duh. Lately, things have just been getting worse. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and then you find yourself texting those same people that you can't let go of, that you dont know how to let go of, the very next day. Just when you think you aren't aggravated, someone does one little thing and you realize that you never stopped being aggravated.

Everyone moves on whether or not you do, too. I find myself sitting here devastated that I'm losing people I love and that there is nothing I can do about it. Some people I have given up on as much as I believe I possibly can. Some people are just a lost cause. Some people just fuck you over again and again and again. It's hard to give up on people when everyone is friends with each other. It's hard to be friends with someone who is best friends with the person you are trying to give up on. It's hard to give up on someone when they think nothing is wrong. It's really hard to make myself believe that things won't up the way they did before. It's hard for me to not doubt everything.

I hate how much I secondguess things. But I hate even more that I have to secondguess them. I want to find people who I can trust. Absolutely legitimately trust. It's hard for me to open up to people when I know that most of the time we will end up not being friends and that I will have wasted all of what I had on those people. You want me to be real? Here's real: I'm afraid to get hurt. Always have been. I'm afraid to trust people. I'm afraid to tell people how I really feel. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm afraid that you will leave me just like you left everyone else. I'm afraid you will find something better, if you haven't already. I'm afraid you will forget me. I'm afraid of forming a friendship that will turn into one big lie. I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of giving up. I'm afraid that you will turn out just like everyone else. I'm afraid to be myself around you. I'm afraid to give my opinion. I'm afraid of what you could do to me. I'm just afraid.

As much as I love being close to people, I hate it. I hate it because it always comes down to a bunch of unanswered questions, a bunch of "I don't know" and "maybe" and "I forgot" and "you're overreacting" and "I'm over it", a bunch of confusion, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of tears. A bunch of memories that will be thrown away and a bunch of people who will walk away. I don't know what categories to put people in anymore. I don't even know what categories I have anymore. I don't know what to be afraid of. What am I to you as a friend and do you let me know it? Because I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I called Hammond "home" yesterday.

xoxo DannDann