That Girl Who I Am Going To Fuck...During Christmas...Or Every Time I See Her

I walked into my History class about 30 seconds late. The first and only thing I see on the table in front of me is a piece of paper that says "Pick four of the following eight for short answers and pick one of the three given topics for an essay". About how it should have been an OBJECTIVE test! Dani, this is not high school, get real. I'm just praying I got at least a C. Praying.

I really am surprised with myself. Before last night I forgot how good I was at writing about something other than my life. Like I know I always write exactly the way I mean to and I know what I can say to make people think and I know that I can write lines that just make you wonder how the fuck I do it, I know. I just forget sometimes. Two of my friends are paying me to write their papers on life experience. Grand. I did that last night. They had to be about culture. Dana's was about New Orleans culture, Darra's was about gay culture. I figure that I'm a hag from New Orleans, this would be good. Oh my God, the shit I wrote...beautiful. Darra's roommate (from NOLA) read Dana's paper and cried. SHE. CRIED. Oh my God I am so fucking proud of myself. You all need to read that paper. It's so amazing. All I could do was smile the entire time I read it, all four times. Hahaha.

So everyone went out last night but I didn't. I kind of wanted to but I'm glad I didn't. Last night I was in no state to drink. Tired and frustrated. It would have been horrible. Haha? I talked to Cameron for a good hour. He made me cry from what he was saying, not like I wasn't crying already. You know why I love us? Because in the middle of tears rolling down my face and in the middle of him telling me exactly what I needed to hear...he stuttered. It was horribly noticable. I just started fucking busting out laughing and he was like, "What?" and I was like, "You stuttered." and then he was laughing at the fact that I was laughing at his stuttering while I was crying and it was just so perfect. It was so completely perfect. It was so completely us.

Me - "The difference between yall and them is that yall could re-explain me...to...me...they can't."
Cameron - "Dani, I could write a fucking book on you. Actually I am, it's with the editors."
Me - "Can you title it 'That Girl Who I Am Going To Fuck'?"
Cameron - *continuing the title* "...During Christmas"
Me - *continuing the title* "...Or Every Time I See Her"

Oh my God I love us. Go Down Moses was in my head on the way to the library today. I told myself I was going to mention that when I wrote. WHOA! I totally forgot I was writing this and took like a random 20 minute break from writing. I threw myself off. How silly. Haha. So I think things are going okay. I guess they are the best they've been lately? I think so. PS- the sticky tack of the one that I was debating...I'm taking it down today. It may mean nothing to the rest of you, but it means a whole hell of a lot to me. With that said, I'm off to lunch. Have a splendid day!

xoxo DannDann

HERCULEEEES! MY MAN!

I should've taken my pain medicine today. I had to do stairs. Not good. No sir. Every time in the past two days that I have talked to Casi I have realized how much I love to sing. I've been trying to help her pick songs for her theatre group and we were going through some yesterday (Children of God? NO!) and I started singing all the songs that Flo gave me when I still took voice with her. I miss those songs. I miss Chorale sooo much. I miss competition singing and perfecting the fuck out of our songs. People don't know what good sounds like here. Ha. That sounds really stupid, but its so true. Seriously...if you are a singer, you know what good is. If you're not a singer, your expectations (word choice? STANDARDS...perfect) for good are probably not as high as ours. I make singers sound conceited I guess. It's true. You know.

I can't wait for Wednesday. I'm redoing my hair before I come down. I'm not coming to NOLA this weekend, but next weekend I am. I think I'm gonna see Saigon, I gotta figure out who all can go with me (or who wants to. HA!) before I decide. It will have been three weeks since I been home...not bad. I like it. Minus fracturing my ankle, staying here last weekend was pretty good, especially with the timing. Gah! So I need an idea for decorating. I don't just want to keep putting up pictures. Well I do actually, I need to put more up and I need to decide if I'm keeping that one section of sticky tack up. I think I might take it down today or tomorrow. That kind of sucks. But I kind of think I should take it down. It's a hairflip. Haha. I've never written that before. I've said it a lot recently, but I haven't written it. It made me giggle.

But yeah, so I get to redo my hair Wednesday. Same colors. I like it and I hope you do (if you see me) as well. Everyone's going out tonight for Tim's birthday. EVERYONE. Not me though. A) because of my ankle and B) I have a HUGE ASS history test tomorrow. I haven't started studying. And I'm not even nervous about the objective part, I'm nervous about the essay part. I'm sure I will do fine. I have a meeting in two weeks with my academic advisor...I have to plan the next four years of my life. Scary, much? Duh. I don't even want to think about it. TOPIC CHANGE. I might watch Rent tonight before/after I study. I'm going to study. I have to. But I was going to watch it last night. It would have been a disaster. If I would've watched Rent, I would have drank with Kaylen. She told me we should drink last night and I agreed. Then I realized that I had only said that because I was upset so then I ended up not drinking because I promised myself I wouldn't drink when I was upset. I was proud of myself. Yay responsible.

My leg hurts. I think after I finish this, I'm going to get dinner to go. I don't feel like eating in the cafeteria by myself. I would much rather get food and eat it in my room and listen to my music than be in the cafeteria alone and listening to people have lame conversation around me about Star Wars or how New Orleans should not have been rebuilt (lame, I know. Trust. Me.) or the Iliad. I go to school with some stupid people. But I go to school with some pretty chill people too. I'm really glad that I bought that picture frame that I put the pictures of me, Dana, and Kaylen in. We are always together. I love it. There is absolutely no bullshit with them. It makes me happy. They're some cool kids. I don't think we should give ourselves a name though, we all want to, but I told them we can't have a group name. I have bad history with that. Haha. That sounds bitter. It wasn't meant to be, it was just fact. No one get their panties in a twist please. Thanks. Hahahahahaha. Well, now that this is all awkward I shall depart. Hahaha. All for now.

xoxo DannDann

:]]

I feel like it's about that time I blog again. I blog a lot. I like it. So about how my ankle got me a 5 day bogus extension on a paper that I had to write. And let me tell you, that paper is AMAZING. I will get to that momentarily. My life...has not been to interesting lately. I was trying to figure out what I was going to write after that elipsis and I cocked my head to the side and realized I don't want to complain about anything. Wow. I'm smiling. It's strange. I keep laughing as well because the guy on the computer next to me printed out a huge picture of a guy with an electrical outlet for a head. It is very amusing indeed. Hahahahahahaha! Too bad I can't laugh out loud in the library.

But, really. I can't say anything I haven't already said. When I focus on this one thing, it gets me down, but when I think about my life in general...it's...good. Whoa. Shut the fuck up, I wish you could all see my faces. I think maybe getting away with the paper spurred all of this. Hello positive outlook on life...there may be some things I can't do or have absolutely no control over, but for every thing I can't do there are ten thousand things that I can do or that I can control or that are in my favor. Wow. Stop it! This is ridiculous. Maybe with certain relationship, the good doesn't outweigh (definitely just corrected myself from spelling outWAY...wow Dani) the bad, but in my life...there is so much good that I should be focusing on. Shit.

Like I'm really surprised with myself. I hope I'm actually right this time. Haha. My paper...so I was supposed to write my paper Thursday night or Friday morning. Thursday night was out. So I woke up Friday morning to do it and knew it was not gonna happen. *In Jamie Schreiffer voice* Oh ah-ah! Hahahaha. So then Saturday I was gonna write it and email it to him and have it be late. Then I fell on Saturday so that didn't work. Then I was gonna do it Sunday but my mother was with me and she would ask what I was typing and I was not about to say "that paper for History that was due Friday" so then I was going to write it Monday. Monday was a day of sleep. Then I was going to write it Tuesday. Tuesday I was hanging out with Olivia and Nametag and Dana and Kaylen. Tuesday - no no. Wednesday morning at 6:30? Of course. I had class at 9. Haha. So I wrote it from 6:40 to 7:30 in the morning and then emailed it to my professor. My excuse for the lateness was that "my mom brought me home so that she could take care of me but we left my computer at school, so I got internet from my house but I didn't have my computer, which had the paper on it, so I couldn't send it to my professor" HA! This was not the case as I had just previously explained.

I'm walking my classes today. My ankle hurts when I walk...go figure, it's fractured. But then again, when I'm not walking it doesn't hurt as much...there's the positive Dani I've been missing. Oh my God. I'm a creeper. Haha. Or a "freaker" as Olivia says. You wanna know what is intimidating? Me and Olivia. If you ever thought being around the Star over the summer was intimidating, you've never been with just me and Olivia. It. Is. Ridiculous. I love it. Haha. Dinner was so much fun with her, Kaylen, and Dana yesterday. They both stared at us the whole time and they were like "Damn" and we were like *question mark* and they were like "It's hard to keep up with yall" We laughed because we know it's true. Haha. It is.

I like being positive. Yeah it was okay to be sad for a while and all and it's okay to make the effort to try and make things okay, but still, I like being happy. I like being positive. I like being me. Secret of the day - I like that being me is what I'm best at. :]]

xoxo DannDann

Yuck yuck yuck

I miss my phone. My black one. I'm using my old pink one right now. It's funny to see how much my speed dial has changed in a year in a half. I didn't even know half the people who are on my speed dial NOW a year and a half ago. Well I can't use my old phone because I dropped it when I fractured my ankle. I was walking on campus and BAM I fell and I fractured my right ankle. Not really surprised. What hurts the most though is the front of my shins. I scraped the fuck out of both of them horribly badly, right on top of the bone. Ouch ouch ouch. But I dropped my phone and the glass on the outside screen is all busted out and the inside screen when you open my phone is a big blur of colors. So I missed a good 20 text messages that I got. It still works, just not the screen. So now I'm using my old phone. Oh well.

My mother came up to Hammond yesterday when I was in the hospital. I was there by myself for an hour and a half. Talk about depressing. No one was answering their phones anyway, for whatever reasons, most of which I know. Now I can't walk though and I have to see another doctor tomorrow and I can't go to class until Wednesday at the earliest. Life has miraculous timing. It's silly. It's far more than silly. My mother is doing my laundry for me right now. I'm glad she came up here to help me. I'm very grateful for my mother.

I make a lot of generalizations because it saves time when I write. So to anyone who is mad at me or who I am mad at, I am sorry if my generalizations have brought any confusion. When I say "NOBODY cares" or "I don't want to talk to ANYONE" I don't really mean it for everyone. Right now, I feel very specific towards each person. I know most people are talking about me or the situation or something to the other people involved. I can't stop this. I just wish I could defend myself. I understand that people don't want to see me. Great. I know. And for those of you who are mad at me, you have gotten your point across, trust me, you have. I just don't know if there is anything else I can do. I don't know when I will be coming in town next...I don't feel like too many people would want to see me. Whoever reads this, you can read it as me being emo, or holding onto how I feel, or what the fuck ever. I can't really care anymore how you all take it. I guess I just won't come in for a while. It's for the best?

I think it's just a waiting game now. Everyone keeps telling me they need time and space and time and space. Okay. I get it. I just don't know how long "time" is. Oh well. It seems like I'm "bitching" about everything anyway, so I guess I will stop talking about it. No promises. I wish it would rain and I wish I didn't have a splint on my ankle so then I could go walk in the rain. I wish for a lot of things. Maybe I should stop wishing and instead, figure out how to redecorate my walls. I dont like looking at mostly yellow sticky tack dots when I lay down.

xoxo DannDann

Two blogs? ONE day? OOOOH INSANITY!!!

Yes, everyone, two blogs in ONE day! So while talking to Olivia for two hours on Facebook Chat about not knowing what to do, I think she flipped some sort of switch. Like it took us an hour and a half to sort through what I was thinking or explaining actions or thoughts or whatever. And then BAM. It makes sense. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm doing. It makes me happy. This is genuinely the happiest I have been in the past week.

PS. For those of you who don't know...I dyed my hair. Pictures? Yes. The top layer is blondish/strawberry blondish and the bottom layer is hott pink. I wanted to wait and show you all in person, but oh well. Loveit.

The blondish-ness:

How my hair looks on the top (& Kaylen's streaks):

Ponytail & you can see a bit of the underlayer:

The underlayer after the first time we did it:

The underlayer after we added more:

Loveit. Very me. I'm glad to be happy for now, at least. It's more than I can say before. Hope it works! Eeeeek! YAY!

You like it?

xoxo DannDann

1:36 PM. I should be in New Orleans right now. I would be in New Orleans right now. I planned on coming down this weekend, as of last night, but then came to the realization that nobody wants me home. Kind of dissapointing.

I hate when someone has a fucking problem with me and feels the need to not tell me, forces ME to make the effort. I don't get what is so difficult about telling me the truth. I'M SORRY IF THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE. I hate that I'm in this position and that I don't know what the fuck to do. A big part of me never wants to talk to anyone from home again. This week has BEYOND proven my point about people only caring when they "have" to. However, the other part of me thinks it would be sooooo not me to just fucking lose everyone by choice. But then again, I almost feel like I should lose everyone by choice. I'm worried that this is the part where I say that the good doesn't outweigh the bad. I'm worried that if I do say "Fuck everyone" that I will be losing what I love. But I'm just as fucking worried that if I don't say it, it will happen over and over.

"People fuck up. It happens." My response was, "Yeah, it just seems to be happening all the time and no one cares about it." I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to want to punch all of you in fucking face. I'm not over it...any of it. And no one cares. Half of you don't even fucking know that I'm still upset because once you find out I'm alive, you stop caring. You don't call. You don't do anything to talk to me. Nothing. It's a struggle to say the least. I feel like everyone forgot about me. Forgot. That's strong. That's accurate. Everyone forgot that we were best friends. Everyone forgot that I loved them. I'm not missed. I get it. It just sucks to wish that your "best friends" missed you one tenth of how much you miss them.

xoxo DannDann

I feel like I should write about the recent events that have happened in my life. However, I feel like if you really really really wanted to know what I was thinking, you could ask me about it. So instead of focusing on how upset and angry I am, I have decided to focus on something else.

Umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas. I don't do umbrellas. I think umbrellas are cute, but only in the "little kid with rainboots" sort of way. Umbrellas are meant for wimps or small children. I don't understand why everyone is so afraid to be in the rain. One of my favorite places to be is in the middle of the street when it's raining. It's not lava, it's not dirt, it's water. I don't get why people need to shield themselves from water. I don't get why it's such a big deal. If you have a place to go and you're all dressed up or if you just got your hair done, I get it. But if you're at WalMart (and you KNOW that over half the time you're at WalMart it rains) what's the big deal? Walk to your car. Don't run with an umbrella over your head and screaming because you're getting rained on. Waah waah. It's the rain. Enjoy it.

I've only straightened my hair maybe twice since I've been up at school. I just don't have time to. Lie. I have more time than I know what to do with. I just have bigger priorities than straightening my hair. My priorities have changed a bit in this past month. But I think everyone else's have changed more so than mine have. I've really seen who people are lately...very lately. But we won't get into that, remember?

I think I like this guy here. He's kind of cute. But he seems really chill. He seems nice. He smokes...blegh. But I want to get to know him before I decide whether or not I like him. He seems cool though. Topic change. I wish everyone could be more like Olivia. She gets me. She knows me. She's Olivia. Period. She knows exactly how I feel and I don't even have to say the words. She just knows. I love us. I love the way it works. It's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I've been very confused lately. I realize that I always make the effort, especially when I shouldn't have to. I hate that. I hate even more that I know if I don't make the effort, that you still won't. Communication matters far less to people than it should. Society dissapoints me. Shit happens. I wish people knew how to care correctly. I wish people cared when they didn't have to. I don't like making the effort. I don't like any of this. I want it to be different and the thing that I hate the most is that I'm the only one who cares enough to change anything.

xoxo DannDann