November

First off...why has everyone in the blogging community virtually died? Where the fuck have you people gone off to? I haven't read anything in a while. Just saying...

The shift button on this computer is immensely annoying. You have to press it really hard whenever you want to capitalize a letter and, half of the time, it doesn't work ANY of the four times that you try it. Oh well. It will suffice.

Last night was silly. Before I go into that, I will tell you how much I hate November. I really hate November. I hate Novemeber because you're finally settled in, you know that you like everything you have discovered, and then you start to realize the problems. You realize that certain people don't really necessarily give a fuck about you like you thought they did. You realize that certain people act like they are still in high school. You realize that certain people only care about themselves. And most of all you realize that you miss certain people more than you ever thought you would. I hate November.

Last night was the embodiment (spelling?) of the previous paragraph. I cleaned for five and a half hours yesterday. The entire fucking dorm, except Kaylen's room. But all of the mess (other than in my room) was all due to her. I don't use dishes. I take out my trash. I pick up after myself. Homegirl, on the other hand, not so much. But I cleaned everything. I felt much better afterwards. I also felt exhausted. I waited for Darra and Krystal to get back so that we could go to Taco Bell. We were in the car for 35 minutes and they talked the entire time...to each other. It's like I wasn't even there. I went upstairs when we got back and ate my food. Then Dana called me to come hang outside (in the fucking freezing cold). Then we went and hung out with Jen. That was fun. I forgot how fucking funny Jen Kuzma is. Loveit. Then I went back to my dorm and laid down in my bed and I just started crying. I was not okay. Not at all. I hadn't cried about my grandma's death since the funeral a week ago. That was part of why I cried. The other parts are so complex and I don't feel like attempting to explain them. I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. Everyone was asleep. Ha. I'm not blaming anyone though. People need sleep. I need sleep.

Last night was just bad. It bothers me a little bit that I have started this paragraph and the two before it with "last night". I wonder if you noticed. Well, you did now. Oh, and I would like to add that I love being right. All the time. I really am. For those of you who still don't believe me when I say that, that is fine. I have all the time in the world. I don't know how I do it, I really don't. "What can I say, I'm pretty immaculate."

xoxo DannDann

I present to you a series of emotions. Each "post" is about multiple people, not just one person. I don't say where I switch from person to person. It doesn't really matter. This is more for me than for you all. Ha.

Angry post:

Let me vent for 2.5 seconds. I really am fucking tired of all your bullshit. I'm done. I'm always fucking here for you and you are never there. Get your fucking priorities straight. You can't bitch bitch bitch about them and say how much you miss them. It doesn't fucking work like that. Care about something and stick to it. Figure out who you are and stop lying to everyone about fucking everything you do. It is NOT OKAY. Oh, and don't fucking judge me because I went out with them one night. Now you completely stop talking to me? Shut the fuck up. You've done sooo much worse than I have and I don't care, so why the fuck should you be mad at me for hanging out with people I like? Get over yourself.

Happy post:

Simple joys. I love how close I am to you. You make me so happy. For a while I never thought anyone would ever be able to get to me anymore. That was fucking rough. But I love that I have found you and that you are honestly one of my favorite people in the whole fucking world. I hope this is long term. I like that I had that phone call. Just when I doubt you, you prove me wrong. If I think we're not okay, you find some way to unknowingly reassure me that all is well. Even though things aren't how they used to be, it's better than nothing. I like it. I love that I can talk to you. You're pretty much the only one I have here who knows about my life, who gets me. I love our conversations outside at fucking 2 in the morning. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sad post:

I want you to be okay. I wish for two things at 11:11. One of them is about you. I realized the other day that you being happy is one of the things that will make me the most happy. I hate that I don't get to see you that much, especially since we are so close. I feel like I always bitch to you and I wish I could be a better friend to you. I never know if you're real or not, both of you. It upsets me because I want to trust you but I wish that you wouldn't be so defensive and I wish that you wouldn't be so general. I want to figure you out and it's just very frustrating to hear you say you trust me, yet you don't show it. I want to believe you but a lot of the times I don't.

My post:

I don't know what is going on with myself. I know what's going on with everyone else though. I've been thinking a lot these past three weeks about how much I do not want to do school right now. I want to do college, but I don't want to do school. I really wish that class was just learning and discussing. No papers. No exams. No homework. I realize that this is completely unrealistic, but I would just enjoy it so much more. I've never really not liked school. I know it sounds stupid, but I've always loved school and just hated the work. But, now, I don't like school. I don't know if college is for me and it really surprises me that I think that. Like, I know I need to go to college, but I just fear that it won't help me. I could do sooo many things with my life. I'm smart and I'm really good with people. I wonder if I'm picking the right thing. I know I have awesome potential to be super successful, but I'm just afraid that I won't live up to my potential. I'm worried that I will fail. I'm worried that I spend too much time worrying about stupid things and just too much time worrying in general.

I just want to be at that point right now, the point I expect myself to be at in ten years. And I know I have to work up to that point, I have to start small so I can end up big. I just don't want to wait. I know I will have to wait, like everyone else. But I just don't know what to think. I really like being here and being on my own. And I'm not just talking about going out and partying and blah blah blah. I really like having my own little place and having new friends and having a different start with them. I like that I barely have any drama with the people here and the drama that I do have here doesn't coincide with the other friendships I have here.

I want to let go. I want to not worry. I want to drop all the drama. I want to sing. I want to just sit here and have not a care in the world. I want something better and I know I will get it, I'm just tired of waiting. I've been waiting all my life for something better. Better education, better opportunities, better jobs, better people, better me, better everything. I'm not saying that these things aren't good right now, but I just want something different. Something new. Something that I love, that I can be passionate about, that I want to do. I want to breathe. I want to spread my wings. I want to fly.

xoxo DannDann

Cheers to the A word.

So before I tell you about my night, I am going to decipher all of the drunk texts that I wrote.

- "Mmmm hamdp granads" was Mmmm hand granades
- "H thgpnk we jurt fuckhn brokd hntn carolhnes hotre" was I think we just fucking broke into Caroline's house
- "We are nt evem bak tn hamm6nd! We re fucke!" was We aren't even back to Hammond! We are fucked!
- "Tyker bvrryyy!" was Tyler Curryyy!
- "Adam h i ss u ro much!" was Adam I miss you so much!
- "H ftckhng lnue u and hm so gkad we aqe bertfrhends! I gss u alreay!" was I fucking love you and I'm so glad we are best friends. I miss you already!
- "Darqd! I mi7r u!" was Darra! I miss you!
- "I meeep to stnp roking. Dana ir sonnooo gay." was I need to stop smoking. Dana is soooo gay.
- "Wheqe aqe ynuuvuuu?" was Where are youuuuu?
- "Rooom mucgh fog!" was Sooo much fog!
- "Met aloote peopje. Fubk a lotta hoer." was Met a lot of people, fucked a lot of hoes.
- "We comin bcbk in lhk 2.5" was We're coming back in like 2.5

Oh my Lawd. 11:11 MAKE A WISH! Well not you, just me! Okay. 11:12. Enough of that nonsense. This post was going to be deep. I actually have shit to talk about, but after my text clarification, I figured I would just save the big post for later. My head hurts so fucking bad I'm about to pass the fuck. Ummm well let's see. Yesterday...here's what happened (Monk reference, anyone?)...

I came back yesterday around 12:30. I saw the Ashley's and Corey first. Then I saw Ashley C. and Darra. Then I saw Parker. Then I saw Dana and Jen. Then I saw Kerra and Nicole. Then I saw Kaylen. Then I saw Krystal. Then I saw Jacquelyn and Tim. That was all throughout the rest of the day. I didn't expect people to be surprised to see me. I just didn't think that they would miss me. I'm not used to being that big of a deal to my Hammond people. I thought I would get a cute, "Oh, heyyyyy. You're backkkk. We missed youuuu." (All held out at the end of each sentence but with a very slight smile when said) Just something simple...no...I'm pretty sure the entire goddamn campus heard them scream. Hahaha. I love them. I miss them so much. Ashley C. fucking jumped on me. So did Dana. Haha. Loveit.

Anyway, so then we decided that we were gonna go meet up with Caroline at The Pub. We = me, Parker, Dana, Jen, Kaylen. So we ended up leaving at fucking 11. We were already buzzed since we took shots before we left. Mmmmyummy. Anyway...so we get to The Pub at like midnight and meet up with Caroline who was already really fucking wasted. So we buy frozen hand granades, and I finished mine first (Surprise.) and then we were all wasted except Jen since she drove. Well there were a lot of dykes. A whole fucking lot of them. I texted lots of things (as you read above) and I think I made a couple of phone calls too. Anyway. So Caroline started puking, so she got in a car with her friend and her friend drove her home. We went to meet her at her house to make sure she was okay. We got there before her. Jen (SKETCHBALL) knew when the SPARE KEY was. Yeah. So we pretty much enter Caroline's house...WITHOUT CAROLINE. Then Caroline finally gets there. We all give her kisses and we leave...it is now 3:15 in the FUCKING morning and we were STILL IN NEW ORLEANS. We get back a little after 4.

Me and Kaylen came upstairs, ate pizza, and PASSED THE FUCK OUT. I slept really really well... until my alarm woke me up for my NINE O'CLOCK CLASS (I really am screaming everything I write in caps, you should too! *thumbs up*). That was fucking brutal. I looked like a "morning after" person. I looked fucking rough. Still do. Oh well. No matter. I'm about to go right the fuck back to sleep. Last night was so much fun. P the Fuck - leave it up to me to go back to NOLA twelve hours after I left for Hammond. Wow. I fucking know.

Kaylen - "Oh, I knew it. WHAT THE FUCK?"

I missed this.

xoxo DannDann

He can't replace you, he's not gay enough.

No one has really written in a while. First post of November! Woot woot! I'm waiting for the clock to hit 8 so I can rinse out my hair dye. Today will undoubtedly be one for the books. I have a funeral to attend, then back to my house with relatives, then a job interview (I know, right?), then hopefully seeing a couple of people before I leave. Then I have to clean again when I get home. It's silly. So much to do. Such different things. Oh well. It's my life. I'm used to it.

I don't know how to not have a lot on my mind. I discovered this last night. I don't know how to not worry. I heard a part of a song last night and the only part I heard was "Enjoy it while you can." I don't like worrying. I'm not saying I'm going to completely stop worrying, but I'm going to try to worry less. If I spend too much time worrying, I can't enjoy it. Let whatever happen. Whatever is going to happen. I just need to be worried when it does happen, well I can be worried before, but I don't like being super worried like I always am. Make sense? Am I rambling? Kcool.

Anyway. I talked to Olivia last night. I miss her. Super duper much. Yeah, I'm that gay. Hahaha. That made me think of the funniest thing ever. "He can't replace you, he's not gay enough."

AND THAT IS THE PERIOD.

xoxo DannDann

Simple things

These past few days have been brutal. I'm more of a wreck than I let people see. I like being around people because I hate crying around people, therefore, when I am with people I try my hardest not to cry. It has definitely been working so far. My head has been hurting so much, it's ridiculous. I haven't talked to Cameron in about a week. I don't like that.

I've realized how much I love simple things that people do. It's just little things that make me happy right now. They can make or break my day. Don't get me wrong, the most important thing to me is that I know that I can cry to you, that you will listen to me, and that you will ultimately be there for me in the end. But at the same time, I love that people do little things that just make me feel so content. A look, a smile, a name. It just really brightens my day.

My head still hurts. I don't think I'm doing anything tonight. I guess I will just take the night off. Michelle is coming home in about 2 hours. And my aunt and uncle are coming in town tonight. They're staying here. I'm sure it will be a big cryfest when we all see each other. I don't like crying. But I guess I will just stay home and sleep and clean the rest of the day. That is most likely what will happen. I think I might go somewhere and apply for a job today, actually. I need money. Christmas break is in like a month. Good.

I think tomorrow will be fun. I'm not dressing up as something or someone, but I'm just dressing up real hott. Lashes, fishnets maybe...I like it. I hope it looks real good. I guess I will plan it today. My cat is falling asleep in my lap right now and her tail keeps twitching. It made me smile. However, I did not laugh because then she would wake up and be frazzled. No no no, none of that. Well, all for now. This was a weird post. Oh well.

xoxo DannDann

RIP

And everything changes...

It's been a while.

I don't know what to think about my life anymore. There's a big part of me that is just so incredibly angry with so many ridiculous things. And then one thing happens and it makes everything else so insignificant. Everything that I have been worried about for the past two months is so completely irrelevant now. I spent those two months freaking out about getting people back or keeping people away, trying to read into dreams, trying to stop my tears, and just moving on inevitably. And now...now it's all insignificant.

I'm so frustrated and exhausted of seeing the people I love get hurt. I feel like I'm trapped inside a big box of constant confusion and drama. There's always something going on. For once, I just wish nothing was happening. I wish there was no drama to talk about. I wish people didn't hate each other. I wish we didn't have stories. I wish we didn't have complicated relationships. I wish that there were no confusion and stress. I wish that I didn't have a reason to be frustrated. I almost wonder what would happen if it just stopped, if it all stopped, if we were all different.

How would things be if I were quiet and conservative. If I didn't give my opinion, if I didn't talk to everyone. Would we be friends? Would you love me? Would you not love me? What if we didn't hang out, get drunk, or hook up? If we weren't in theatre, we would be different. If we weren't each others friends, we would be different. It's not that we would have less shit to deal with, I'm sure there will be shit with any other friends we have, but it would just be different shit. I hate questioning people's motives, I hate seeing you get hurt over and over, I hate that you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself, I hate that you think that it happened, I hate that I didn't know, I hate that I honestly don't know if you're real, I hate that we don't talk anymore, I hate that you don't act the way you want me to act, I hate that you don't care, I hate that you couldn't have a voice of reason without me there, I hate that you don't stop, I hate that I can't read you, I hate that you want me to be different and I would still give anything for you, I hate that time is running out. I hate that everything that I hate doesn't matter now. It probably never did. What if it was different? What if you were different? What if I was different?

When did it stop mattering to me? And it all happens so fast. In the blink of an eye, I lost all my friends and regained most of them. In the blink of an eye, she won't be here. In the blink of an eye, my tears will hit the keys. In the blink of an eye, this song will end. In the blink of an eye, I will still be thinking about it. In the blink of an eye, I will have you back. In the blink of an eye, I will lose you forever. In the blink of an eye, I won't know what to do with myself. In the blink of an eye, I won't know how to live without you anymore. In the blink of an eye, everything will change.

Everything will change.