"Cancer and alcoholism...it's a way of life"

My head hurts really bad right now. I'm not hungover anymore. I wasn't that hungover to begin with. Last night was the fourth time in 5 days that I've been drunk. It's unhealthy. It's silly. I kind of like it. It makes me laugh. I should take it more seriously, but I do not, not indeed. No, no, Rene.

I like having serious conversations when I'm drunk. Thursday it was with Jen and Dana and last night it was with Jody. I think I'm good with everyone right now. I really like that. I was stressing out a lot yesterday when I was at dinner. Secret: I really know what's wrong. Too many things are wrong. None of them are really major, but they are just kind of concerns that I have I guess. I kept saying that I didn't know and, really, I was just kind of confused as to why I was so upset about so many little things, but I knew all along what they are. I didn't even tell Cameron what they were when I was on the phone with him. I miss him so much. Three weeks and I will undoubtedly cry when I see him. You don't even know. At all.

My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's because I'm still full or if I'm hungry. We are going to see the NOCCA show tonight. I'm so excited. I really like what I'm wearing. It's cute. It's a blue sweater and a dark gray skirt. It's very cute. Oh my God I haven't heard this song in a long time. Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Listen to it. It's beautiful. Last night was fun. I'm glad I got drunk with Katie (and Jody and Casi as well). Casi kept crying. We peed on some person's house. Jody gave her a hat that he found on the ground. Katie got picked up on by a 22-year-old black guy. It was an interesting night. How silly. I had a lot of fun.

*insert the title of this post*

xoxo DannDann

I just looked at all of the pictures in the scrollboxes on my Myspace. Oh the memories. It's funny. As much as I loved how good things were and as much as I miss it all, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would much rather be here, in the heart of my relationships, having been up and down, in and out, and all over the place. I would much rather know everyone the way I know them now, good and bad. Granted, I want to be happy, and I was happy then, but I'm happy now (even though it may be a different kind of happy). I love that I am here and not where I was. I miss it, though. I really do.

But I love knowing what and who I know. I would rather be here after a million fights with you and a million tears and a million laughs and still be here and strong and knowing that we made it. I would much rather be here. Those times were good and I loved them, I still do. But putting those pictures up on my wall last night made me realize how far everything went and how far it has come back to where we are now and I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how long it takes, things will be resolved, everything will end up being better.

I can't live without you people...even when I want to live without you...I can't.

And I love that.

xoxo DannDann

Make The Effort

I want to write but I'm not sure about what. I'm about to help Dana with her paper so I figure I might as well start typing now and get the words to start coming to my brain. Hmmm. You know what I love? My friends here, they call me an Encyclopedia. I am. I always know everything about everyone and every situation and any known question. I love that. I love being asked things and being able to answer them whether it be how many days are in a month or even what a hotdog is made of. I love using words that aren't common. I wrote about this breifly before when I talked about how I like to use adjectives other than "good." I really do enjoy being that person though.

I have a feeling that a couple of people are mad at me and I'm not quite sure why. Lie. I know why one of them would be mad at me. I have no idea why one of them would be mad at me. And I don't give a fuck if the third person is mad at me. It just confuses me. I hate being on bad terms with people, especially when I try to make things better. Last night was fun. We played daquiri pong. We lost. It was fun. Kaylen was "drunk." I don't know how. She didn't even have that much. I drove her car to Taco Bell. Hahaha. THAT was an adventure. Then I got back to my dorm and just got really upset. I was thinking about how [I think] some people are mad at me. I just really don't feel like dealing with this nonsense anymore, to tell you the truth. I will fight with people till the day I die, but I always make sure to make an effort to resolve things (even when I shouldn't be the person taking the first step). I hate when I go to make the effort and the other person doesn't even try to talk to me about it. What good is running away?

Dana's writing notes on the short story she's reading and she wrote "gpaw bert." Me and Jen got a good laugh out of that. I really love that I've been hanging out with them a lot. I always feel like they want me there. I know this sounds really fucking stupid, but I always feel like I have to invite myself places and I always have to make the effort. It's extremely reassuring to know that I don't have to make the effort for them. I wish more people were like that. I know three people who are like that other than Dana and Jen. No, but really, I wish you all knew them. They're great. They make me so happy.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with Darra lately. I like that I write about people that nobody [who reads this] knows. I like having a part of the world to myself. I love having them know a different side of me...not in a bipolar way. Wow. That was silly! I really do love being in Hammond. I wouldn't come home as much as I do if I didn't have obligations. There's always a show or a plan or something. I don't know, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. It's completely...ridiculous. I like it. I've discovered a lot about myself since I've been here. Not only about myself, but also about how I feel about everyone back home. My time here really has put everything into perspective. I like it. I don't necessarily like the thoughts that I have, but I like that I can think about things and not be surrounded by them while I'm thinking about them.

Fuck, I'm tired. And I still have to write Dana's paper (which will be easy, so I don't know what I have such a negative connotation with that), and I have to finish I project (which will take me ten minutes), and then we are going to watch Dark Knight (HOPEFULLY) outside tonight on the big screen. I hope tonight will be grand. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Make the effort.

xoxo DannDann

Those Who Don't Try Never Look Foolish

I love being an idiot. No sarcasm. Well, not an idiot as in not knowing how to spell schedule, but an idiot as an running down the halls, screaming, arms flailing around in the air, because your friends just scared the shit out of you. I love being that kind of an idiot. It's okay to look stupid. I hate when people don't speak or act the way they want to because they don't want to look stupid. So the fuck what? Who cares if you looks stupid? If you fall - you look stupid. Laugh at yourself.

I love when people can laugh at themselves. That's one of the main rules of being friends with me. Be able to laugh at yourself. I will make fun of you. You will make fun of me. We will laugh about it. I know that I'm an idiot when I'm screaming about the goddamn roach in my room, but I'm laughing at myself no matter how aggravated I am. I wish more people would do that. I wish you all knew Dana and Jen. I think they are becoming my best friends here. They are so much fucking fun. That's one of the biggest things that you have to be able to do when you become friends with them. We make fun of each other constantly and I wouldn't have it any other way. We can be stupid and silly and idiotic and loud and dumb and sarcastic and mean and laughing and perfect. I love having friends who laugh all the time and who make me laugh all the time as well.

Relation to the title: Don't be afraid to look stupid. You will either look stupid for trying and failing or you will look stupid for not trying because you were afraid to fail. Try new things. Take chances. Say what you feel. Forgive someone. Get your point across. Skip class. Don't regret what you do. Think before you talk. Love till it hurts. Cry till it feels better. Try. Try whatever you want to try whether it's something as simple as sewing or something as big as college. Just try. You will inevitably end up looking foolish when you make a mistake, but at least you would have done something you wanted to do. It's okay to be stupid. It's okay to be an idiot. It's okay to be foolish. It's okay.

Try something new.

xoxo DannDann

Vessels

It really amazes me how quickly one little thing can change how I'm feeling.

There are always a series of emotions that I contain within myself. There is always a lot of sadness, a lot of happiness, a lot of anger, and a lot of excitement. Usually, all it takes is one minor incident to decide which emotion I tap in to. Say I were to tap into sadness, that doesn't mean that all of my other emotions are gone, it just means that they are not up at bat.

I get very frustrated with people very quickly and I usually just try to brush it off depending on the importance of the situation. If I am approached with something I do not want to talk about, I usually try to keep conversation at a minimum and continue to avoid all possible topics relating to such a conversation. Say someone says something to me that I feel is completely unneccesary, and I get upset. Then I would tap into sadness and anger (or whatever emotions come with what was said) and I kind of explode. And it's not even that I'm extremely mad about what I'm saying that I'm mad about, it's just that the one thing that makes me upset and angry, leads me to use all of the emotion I have (whatever it may be about), and sometimes it is used incorrectly. It makes sense to me.

Then when an event, similar in size, but different in emotion happens, it puts me back in check. It lets me close the vessels of negative emotion and open the positive emotions. Therefore, I realize that what had been bothering was not bothering me as much as I conveyed that it was. I do get frustrated, and most of the time, I do have the right to be. However, I often overuse emotion (no matter how justified the emotion may be) and then I become frustrated and I just make it more difficult to clearly convey what I am thinking and feeling. I realize that this is a problem. I realize that I need to work on it, but for now, it is what it is.

I don't want anyone to change themselves, and if I did, I just would stop being friends with them. I love my friends. I love them because they are the way they are. But love is not perfection, nor do I expect it to be. I do not expect my friends to be perfect and I do not expect my friends to not become frustrated with me, just as I become frustrated with them. Frustration and anger and sadness are all a part of life, as is happiness. I do tend to let the scale weigh heavier on the negative emotions that I feel instead of the happy ones. I will try to even it out. But just know that I love you all as you are. And know that I am sorry for incorrectly conveying my emotions and letting frustration get the best of me. That is all for now.

xoxo DannDann

November

First off...why has everyone in the blogging community virtually died? Where the fuck have you people gone off to? I haven't read anything in a while. Just saying...

The shift button on this computer is immensely annoying. You have to press it really hard whenever you want to capitalize a letter and, half of the time, it doesn't work ANY of the four times that you try it. Oh well. It will suffice.

Last night was silly. Before I go into that, I will tell you how much I hate November. I really hate November. I hate Novemeber because you're finally settled in, you know that you like everything you have discovered, and then you start to realize the problems. You realize that certain people don't really necessarily give a fuck about you like you thought they did. You realize that certain people act like they are still in high school. You realize that certain people only care about themselves. And most of all you realize that you miss certain people more than you ever thought you would. I hate November.

Last night was the embodiment (spelling?) of the previous paragraph. I cleaned for five and a half hours yesterday. The entire fucking dorm, except Kaylen's room. But all of the mess (other than in my room) was all due to her. I don't use dishes. I take out my trash. I pick up after myself. Homegirl, on the other hand, not so much. But I cleaned everything. I felt much better afterwards. I also felt exhausted. I waited for Darra and Krystal to get back so that we could go to Taco Bell. We were in the car for 35 minutes and they talked the entire time...to each other. It's like I wasn't even there. I went upstairs when we got back and ate my food. Then Dana called me to come hang outside (in the fucking freezing cold). Then we went and hung out with Jen. That was fun. I forgot how fucking funny Jen Kuzma is. Loveit. Then I went back to my dorm and laid down in my bed and I just started crying. I was not okay. Not at all. I hadn't cried about my grandma's death since the funeral a week ago. That was part of why I cried. The other parts are so complex and I don't feel like attempting to explain them. I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. Everyone was asleep. Ha. I'm not blaming anyone though. People need sleep. I need sleep.

Last night was just bad. It bothers me a little bit that I have started this paragraph and the two before it with "last night". I wonder if you noticed. Well, you did now. Oh, and I would like to add that I love being right. All the time. I really am. For those of you who still don't believe me when I say that, that is fine. I have all the time in the world. I don't know how I do it, I really don't. "What can I say, I'm pretty immaculate."

xoxo DannDann

I present to you a series of emotions. Each "post" is about multiple people, not just one person. I don't say where I switch from person to person. It doesn't really matter. This is more for me than for you all. Ha.

Angry post:

Let me vent for 2.5 seconds. I really am fucking tired of all your bullshit. I'm done. I'm always fucking here for you and you are never there. Get your fucking priorities straight. You can't bitch bitch bitch about them and say how much you miss them. It doesn't fucking work like that. Care about something and stick to it. Figure out who you are and stop lying to everyone about fucking everything you do. It is NOT OKAY. Oh, and don't fucking judge me because I went out with them one night. Now you completely stop talking to me? Shut the fuck up. You've done sooo much worse than I have and I don't care, so why the fuck should you be mad at me for hanging out with people I like? Get over yourself.

Happy post:

Simple joys. I love how close I am to you. You make me so happy. For a while I never thought anyone would ever be able to get to me anymore. That was fucking rough. But I love that I have found you and that you are honestly one of my favorite people in the whole fucking world. I hope this is long term. I like that I had that phone call. Just when I doubt you, you prove me wrong. If I think we're not okay, you find some way to unknowingly reassure me that all is well. Even though things aren't how they used to be, it's better than nothing. I like it. I love that I can talk to you. You're pretty much the only one I have here who knows about my life, who gets me. I love our conversations outside at fucking 2 in the morning. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sad post:

I want you to be okay. I wish for two things at 11:11. One of them is about you. I realized the other day that you being happy is one of the things that will make me the most happy. I hate that I don't get to see you that much, especially since we are so close. I feel like I always bitch to you and I wish I could be a better friend to you. I never know if you're real or not, both of you. It upsets me because I want to trust you but I wish that you wouldn't be so defensive and I wish that you wouldn't be so general. I want to figure you out and it's just very frustrating to hear you say you trust me, yet you don't show it. I want to believe you but a lot of the times I don't.

My post:

I don't know what is going on with myself. I know what's going on with everyone else though. I've been thinking a lot these past three weeks about how much I do not want to do school right now. I want to do college, but I don't want to do school. I really wish that class was just learning and discussing. No papers. No exams. No homework. I realize that this is completely unrealistic, but I would just enjoy it so much more. I've never really not liked school. I know it sounds stupid, but I've always loved school and just hated the work. But, now, I don't like school. I don't know if college is for me and it really surprises me that I think that. Like, I know I need to go to college, but I just fear that it won't help me. I could do sooo many things with my life. I'm smart and I'm really good with people. I wonder if I'm picking the right thing. I know I have awesome potential to be super successful, but I'm just afraid that I won't live up to my potential. I'm worried that I will fail. I'm worried that I spend too much time worrying about stupid things and just too much time worrying in general.

I just want to be at that point right now, the point I expect myself to be at in ten years. And I know I have to work up to that point, I have to start small so I can end up big. I just don't want to wait. I know I will have to wait, like everyone else. But I just don't know what to think. I really like being here and being on my own. And I'm not just talking about going out and partying and blah blah blah. I really like having my own little place and having new friends and having a different start with them. I like that I barely have any drama with the people here and the drama that I do have here doesn't coincide with the other friendships I have here.

I want to let go. I want to not worry. I want to drop all the drama. I want to sing. I want to just sit here and have not a care in the world. I want something better and I know I will get it, I'm just tired of waiting. I've been waiting all my life for something better. Better education, better opportunities, better jobs, better people, better me, better everything. I'm not saying that these things aren't good right now, but I just want something different. Something new. Something that I love, that I can be passionate about, that I want to do. I want to breathe. I want to spread my wings. I want to fly.

xoxo DannDann