Simple things

These past few days have been brutal. I'm more of a wreck than I let people see. I like being around people because I hate crying around people, therefore, when I am with people I try my hardest not to cry. It has definitely been working so far. My head has been hurting so much, it's ridiculous. I haven't talked to Cameron in about a week. I don't like that.

I've realized how much I love simple things that people do. It's just little things that make me happy right now. They can make or break my day. Don't get me wrong, the most important thing to me is that I know that I can cry to you, that you will listen to me, and that you will ultimately be there for me in the end. But at the same time, I love that people do little things that just make me feel so content. A look, a smile, a name. It just really brightens my day.

My head still hurts. I don't think I'm doing anything tonight. I guess I will just take the night off. Michelle is coming home in about 2 hours. And my aunt and uncle are coming in town tonight. They're staying here. I'm sure it will be a big cryfest when we all see each other. I don't like crying. But I guess I will just stay home and sleep and clean the rest of the day. That is most likely what will happen. I think I might go somewhere and apply for a job today, actually. I need money. Christmas break is in like a month. Good.

I think tomorrow will be fun. I'm not dressing up as something or someone, but I'm just dressing up real hott. Lashes, fishnets maybe...I like it. I hope it looks real good. I guess I will plan it today. My cat is falling asleep in my lap right now and her tail keeps twitching. It made me smile. However, I did not laugh because then she would wake up and be frazzled. No no no, none of that. Well, all for now. This was a weird post. Oh well.

xoxo DannDann

RIP

And everything changes...

It's been a while.

I don't know what to think about my life anymore. There's a big part of me that is just so incredibly angry with so many ridiculous things. And then one thing happens and it makes everything else so insignificant. Everything that I have been worried about for the past two months is so completely irrelevant now. I spent those two months freaking out about getting people back or keeping people away, trying to read into dreams, trying to stop my tears, and just moving on inevitably. And now...now it's all insignificant.

I'm so frustrated and exhausted of seeing the people I love get hurt. I feel like I'm trapped inside a big box of constant confusion and drama. There's always something going on. For once, I just wish nothing was happening. I wish there was no drama to talk about. I wish people didn't hate each other. I wish we didn't have stories. I wish we didn't have complicated relationships. I wish that there were no confusion and stress. I wish that I didn't have a reason to be frustrated. I almost wonder what would happen if it just stopped, if it all stopped, if we were all different.

How would things be if I were quiet and conservative. If I didn't give my opinion, if I didn't talk to everyone. Would we be friends? Would you love me? Would you not love me? What if we didn't hang out, get drunk, or hook up? If we weren't in theatre, we would be different. If we weren't each others friends, we would be different. It's not that we would have less shit to deal with, I'm sure there will be shit with any other friends we have, but it would just be different shit. I hate questioning people's motives, I hate seeing you get hurt over and over, I hate that you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself, I hate that you think that it happened, I hate that I didn't know, I hate that I honestly don't know if you're real, I hate that we don't talk anymore, I hate that you don't act the way you want me to act, I hate that you don't care, I hate that you couldn't have a voice of reason without me there, I hate that you don't stop, I hate that I can't read you, I hate that you want me to be different and I would still give anything for you, I hate that time is running out. I hate that everything that I hate doesn't matter now. It probably never did. What if it was different? What if you were different? What if I was different?

When did it stop mattering to me? And it all happens so fast. In the blink of an eye, I lost all my friends and regained most of them. In the blink of an eye, she won't be here. In the blink of an eye, my tears will hit the keys. In the blink of an eye, this song will end. In the blink of an eye, I will still be thinking about it. In the blink of an eye, I will have you back. In the blink of an eye, I will lose you forever. In the blink of an eye, I won't know what to do with myself. In the blink of an eye, I won't know how to live without you anymore. In the blink of an eye, everything will change.

Everything will change.

I could tell you I haven't written a blog in a while, but I would be lying. I've actually written twice this week, read what I wrote, then deleted it. They were not pleasant at all. Granted, they didn't have to be because this is about whatever I want it to be about, but nonetheless, I think I just need to write things out or say them out loud for them to make sense. As a change of pace, I will keep this one short and sweet...

I finally turned in my later paper as part of my history exam and I made a C on it. I liked the outcome :]] I am not a complete failure. I will clean a lot this weekend. I will not talk to my roommate all day, just as I did not yesterday. I will sleep when I get back to my dorm. This is not how I usually write. I kind of like it. I think I flashed Sir Nicholas last night. Ha.

Text message:
Me - You know that history paper I turned in late? Combined with the test, I got a C! Ha!
Olivia - Fuck you...
Me - I'm glad we're best friends.
Olivia - Me too.

xoxo DannDann

Those people

So I really should be writing my paper, but I feel like writing this instead. I have to write that paper for sure today. I was supposed to have written this paper LAST Sunday, seeing as how it was due LAST Monday. That's my main worry in life right now - school. I dropped English, there was no way I could have passed that class. I'm not worried about any of my Comm classes. I'm a little worried about History though. It's alright. It will be fine. I suppose so. I took the exam this morning and I think I did well so the only thing that will really bring me down is this paper being so late. But all is well, I will be able to survive.

My weekend was amazing, much better than I thought it would be. I saw RENT on Friday. It was really good. Then I came home and I thought my plans for the rest of the weekend were ruined until Saturday afternoon. My purpose of this blog, relates to that, but I will discuss that after I finish informing the world of my weekend. So then I met up with Casi and we went to NINETEEN places last night. No exaggeration. Casi got her tattoo. It's beautiful. Then we went to Le Petite to tell Jody, Blythe, and Kaleb hello. I'm soooo glad I saw Kaleb. I miss him so much, much more than I ever thought I would. I love that boy. Then we eventually found our way to Howlin Wolf and then we went back to Le Petite after with Matt and Rachel. I'm glad I saw them too. They're always fun. Matt had to bring Rachel home and then it was just me, Casi, Jody, Blythe, and Kaleb. We met up with Kevin (Kaleb's amazing brother) at The Pub on Bourbon. Oh my God. We are some drunk bitches. That is all that needs to be said about that. I had soooo much fun. Who came up with the idea of going to Bourbon? DANDAN that's who. What a good decision!


So my weekend was amazing. And it almost wasn't because I almost let something insignificantly stupid get in the way. Something that, in the end, doesn't matter. Something that shouldn't even bother me. Something really pointless and not worth letting my weekend be ruined. And so begins the message of this blog...


This has been something that has become increasingly hard for me to take my own advice on. There will always be that person, that something, that obstacle, that situation that will get in the way of making yourself happy. There will always be that something. While I was thinking that this something was going to ruin my weekend, I was talking to one of my friends. It made me reconsider things when he said "Why are you going to let that get in the way of things you would normally do?" He was right. And all I could think about after that was "There is more to life than that something." There really is. It's hard to let go of something or someone you care about or once did. It's very hard. But in the end, if that something won't be there, there's nothing you can do but move on.

That's been so hard for me lately. Over the past month and a half, practically all of my friendships have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse, some for both. Figuring out who to let go of has been such a challenge. There was someone I wanted to see this weekend when I was in town. And I wanted to see them pretty badly...but I didn't. And as much as I wanted to see them all weekend, when I woke up in Casi's dorm on Sunday morning and thought about how great my weekend was...I really didn't mind that I didn't get to see that person. I really didn't mind much at all. There's more to life than that person. There will always be more to life than that person. You will undoubtedly have that person that will always be a part of you, that has made you who you are, that you can't let go of. We all have that person. But honestly, we were surviving before those people came along. Maybe we weren't surviving as well as we were when they were here, but we were surviving.

And it's so frustrating, probably more frustrating than it should be. But it happens. Shit happens. Life happens. People will be there when you cry. People will be the reason you are crying. It doesn't always end well but if we spend all of our time focusing on what our lives used to be, then we can't spend time on figuring out how much better our lives could be without the drama. YOU. You can't let go of that person. And as much as everyone (even you) sees that this person is slowly but surely causing you to lose your sanity, you still hold on. There is more to life than that person. There is more to life than hoping for them to love you as much as you love them. There is more to life than being let down and knowing that the same thing will happen and not stopping it. There is more to life than that person. I just wanted to tell YOU that YOU are better than wasting your time thinking about your person all the time.

ME. There will always be those people in my life. The people who are assholes, who constantly remind you of how much they hate you for something you didn't even do, who want to see you hurt, who don't care about you even though they once did, who feel the need to keep letting you know that they don't need you despite the fact that's it is completely unnecessary - those people. The people who you don't know if you can have, who used to be your best friends, who you used to tell everything to, who you can barely talk to now, who make you cry just by thinking about them, who change your world on a daily basis, who you want things to be okay with but you know they most likely won't be - those people. There is more to life than those people. Hard as it may be to let go, sometimes you just have to say "fuck it. whatever happens, happens." That's all that you can do is focus on what's here and now and where you're going. And know that there is more to life than those people. There is always more to life than those people.

xoxo DannDann

Such as grand, wonderful, swell, and splendid

May I just start this blog saying that this morning's stream of Tweets was very amusing. I was in the library when I read them all and they just made my morning seem very swell. I have a midterm in 30 minutes and I don't feel like studying anymore. It's easy. We has ONE class of notes. It's silly. I need to stop procrastinating though. It's Wednesday and I've been having to write a paper since Sunday night. Needless to say, I have yet to write it. It's on a book I didn't read. I have had the Sparknotes window open on my computer since Saturday...and nothing done yet.

I had a miraculous phone conversation the other night. You all most likely know what it was by now if you know ANYTHING about my life. Haha. It makes me really ridiculously happy. I can't wait for the rest of this week. Not even just the weekend. After today, life will be less stressful. I have a midterm and a paper to write and then I think I'm okay. I don't really have any other worries in regards to school that I know about. I dropped English. It was killing me. So that's a relief. I'm buying some pink hair dye today so we can redo it tomorrow. It's sooo funny. You can see where the bleached parts of my hair are very very noticably now. Haha. Did I spell noticably correctly? I think so. Not sure. Anyway... so that phone call was definitely positive in pretty much every way possible.

I keep glancing over at my school bag on the table to make sure no one steals it. HA! How silly. I should probably keep studying but I will do that in a few minutes. I've only been typing for five minutes, calm down. So tomorrow I'm redying my hair and then I'm going to see a play. A PLAY. A FUCKING PLAY!!! My first real hint of theatre here. The people I'm seeing it with are dreading it and I was like, "OH MY GOD! WHERE AND WHEN?" Go figure. I miss it soooo much. You don't even know. And then I think I'm going out aaaaaafter the play. I wanna go to the Buzz since everyone is all happy with each other now, but I want to go to Cade Street because that's where Nicco will be, therefore, that's where TREVOR will be. Mmmmgirl. Loveit. I think I will probably end up going to the Buzz. Oh well. Cade Street next week?

Then Friday I'm coming home for the weekend and getting lunch with Mattie! I'm sooo excited. I miss him so much. Matthias, I miss you so much. Haha. Then I'm seeing RENT that night and hopefully meeting up with Casi afterwards to celebrate her leaving Forever 21. Saturday I shall spend with the family and then that night with Casi. There's space in between so I want to see lots of people! Lots and lots! Oh my, writing has put me in a splendid mood. I like using synonyms for good such as grand, wonderful, swell, and splendid. It makes me feel pleasantly different. Pleasant is another one. Loveit. Good just sounds so blah, don't you agree? I only really say good when I'm screaming it sarcastically. Someone - "I overslept." Me - "GOOD!" Haha. I'm such a silly person. I like it. Have a beautiful day lovers!!!

xoxo DannDann

Because of that

For the past week I have wished for the same thing at 11:11. Life is one big wish, one big hope, one big dream, one big unexpected blur. Life is...life. I've thought so much in the past month, I'm surprised my brain hasn't exploded. I realized that there are only two people in the entire world who understand me. I love that. I love them. I think it is a bit silly that I keep wishing on 11:11, since I'm trying to do the whole "expect the unexpected, let whatever happens happen" thing. But old habits die hard and wishing at 11:11 doesn't hurt anything. I like my life. It's weird. Me and Kaylen haven't been on that great of terms lately. I don't really mind. Darra has become my closest friend here. I didn't think I cared about her as much as I did. We talked for 5 hours Thursday night. It was amazing.

I miss listening to this song. Coffee by Copeland. I got it from Adrienne. I miss her. I miss how things used to be, but as time goes on, I'm learning to accept that things are different and probably won't ever be the same. They don't need to be. Things will either get better or worse or they won't matter. And that's okay. Even though it gets lonely, I like staying up here on the weekends by myself. I was supposed to see a speaker this morning, that was the whole reason I couldn't come down this weekend. Of course, I didn't go. I was mad when I realized I forgot, but to tell you the truth, I don't really mind.

I am constantly surprised by people, including by myself. I look at the pictures on my wall and I think of how I've changed since I've become friends with each of them. It's miraculous. Thinking about where I was a year ago is so weird. I was best friends with Rachel and Mindy. God, things have changed. And even more recent...eight months ago. February 4th - Oh my God. I was having withdrawals from Actor's Worst Nightmare. That was when being on stage came back into my life. I had just dyed my hair a few days before when I was drunk and with Olivia after Endymion. I didn't hate Barissa. I didn't know half the people I was close to over the summer. I was skipping Calculus, most likely. I was still distraught over what had happened between me and Rachel and the table began to realize that we hated the other people who sat there. Haha.

Six months ago. April 4th - We only had a few weeks before Godspell opened. It was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was closest to Blythe and Casi. I was flipping my shit about Senior year ending. I think I had JUST decided I was going to Southeastern. I was very different. Four moths ago. June 4th - I was turning eighteen in ten days. I was in Cinderella and really fucking excited. I considered Sami one of my best friends. I became insanely close to Matt, Hannah, and Tyler. The Diamond of BOGs. Phah. Jambo. That was an era. Haha. I loved it. Summer was finally there and I couldn't have loved anyone more than I did already. I was so happy with where I was and with who was with me.

Two months ago. August 4th - I was moving to Hammond in eleven days and all I could do was cry because I didn't want to leave people. I didn't want anything to change. I knew it was going to and I was scared as fuck. We were doing Pajama Game. I became close to Kaleb, I didn't hate Darren (like I thought I had previously). We rescued Marty [I thought a lot about that day today]. Everything was perfect and I wanted everything to stay the way it was forever. I was about to have done 4 shows in seven and a half months and I was so pleased with my life. Today. Things are different. And as unhappy as I have been in the past month, I'm happy now. Overall, I'm happy. I know I'm doing okay. I know I have written about this a lot, but it's so weird to sit here and think about how my life has changed in the past year.

I have become the person I am because of you. Because of her. Because of him. Because of that song. Because of that night. Because of that trip to Taco Bell. Because of that phone call. Because of that cryfest. Because of those ten days. Because of what you wrote. Because of that basket. Because of that drunk night. Because of that distance. Because of those pictures. Because of that fight. Because of that video. Because of that laugh. Because of that sombrero. Because of those clothes I borrowed. Because of that yell. Because of that costume. Because of that dance. Because of that day it hailed. Because of that tantrum. Because of those aviators. Because of those baby tiny coffee pots. Because of that view. Because of those ripped jeans. Because of that cherry limeade from Sonic. Because of that time we made out on the side of Nick's truck. Because of those pictures in the bathroom. Because of that kiss. Because of that time I confessed my love for you. Because of those AIM conversations. Because of that time I slapped you. Because of that purple butterfly. Because of our adventures to the boat launch. Because of that elevator. Because of those Chinet napkins. Because of that tye dying kit. Because of that face. Because of that gay closet. Because of church on my birthday. Because of those white canvas shoes. Because of Baja FUCKING Blast. Because of that time I thought you were dead. Because of that time we casted that movie. Because of that trip to Puccino's. Because of mitten feet. Because of that conversation we had about porn. Because of those headphones. Because of that apron. Because of that quickchange. Because of that bread girl. Because of those khaki shorts. Because of you.

Because of you. You know which ones are yours. You know which ones aren't. Maybe things are different. Maybe they are the same. Maybe I don't know where the fuck we stand, but it was good. It made me happy, most likely, it still does. All of you have made me who I am today, and even though we may not be as good as we used to be, I don't regret one second of one memory that I have with you. I like who I am. I like who you have made me. Thank you for that.

xoxo DannDann

Racing With The Clock

Oh my goodness! I seem to have lost all the time in the world that I needed! I have to finish my degree plan, which was due this morning and is 10% of our grade, and I have NO IDEA what the hell I'm doing. I'm in the library and I will probably be here for the next two hours as I try to figure out the next FOUR YEARS of my life by myself. It is, indeed, stressful. Comm 101 is where my life crumbles right in front of my eyes. Examples: this whole degree plan thing, my MIDTERM is in ONE week and she just told us TODAY, and I found out that I can't go home this weekend because of an assignment in that class. Grrr. And to top it all off, I have a huge ass English test tomorrow on an EPIC NOVEL which I have YET to read.

I don't know what I am going to do. And still, I find myself here, wasting my time on the internet, writing a blog about how frustrated I am. I went to the Center for Student Excellence (Help Center) but the girl who was supposed to be there to help me with my degree plan wasn't there. I walked like 20 minutes across campus and when I get there she's not even there! It was indeed quite frustrating. I'm being responsible today though, I guess. I finally got a printout of all of my expenses at school. I've been meaning to do that for like three weeks. And I'm going to be in the library until I finish my degree plan. I probably won't end up getting back to my dorm until about TEN! My degree plan won't end up being finished for another two hours at least, and then I will probably just eat dinner out here and come back to the library to study for English with Ashley. Neither of us know what we are doing. We will be here for a while.

Oh fuck, I thought I left my English binder in my room, but I just checked and I have it. Phew. That was close. Oh FUCK! And I have to prepare my speech that I have tomorrow and I haven't even started. I think I will do that when I finish this. And THEN I have to study for a quiz that I have tomorrow for the class right after the class that I am giving the speech in. These next 24 hours are going to be brutal. Let's recap, shall we? This is more for me, than for you. So you don't have to read the rest of this paragraph if you don't want to. You actually don't have to read anything if you don't want to. Never you mind! To do: finish blog, write speech, look up courses in catalog, degree plan, eat, study, go back to my room, shower, study, look over speech, look over notes for other class, sleep, wakeup super fucking early, give speech, take quiz, eat, study, English exam, English lecture. THAT is the next 24 1/2 hours of my life. I. Am. Going. To. Die.

I'm already exhausted. It is too much. And I know I will probably end up talking to Casi and Olivia for a good couple of hours about how I have NO TIME. Which is stupid because talking will take up my time. But I need to talk to people. Oh God, I am so tired. This shall be an adventure. PS - I wanted crawfish really really fucking bad today. I was excited because I was going to get some crawfish this weekend when I came in town, but then ten minutes later I remembered I can't come down this weekend. So now I have to wait till next weekend. Oh, and I left my fucking camera at home. Last week > this week. Bar none.

xoxo DannDann