Tolerance (ps - my 2nd paragraph owns)

Tolerance. What a tricky thing. Before my class this morning I just thought about how everyone is connected in some way that none of us ever think about. Example A - college. There will be a good amount of people I become friends with, a good amount of people I become enemies with, and an infinite amount of people I will never even know, nonetheless see. But we all go to the same place which means we all must want something in common. Whether it be what we want to pursue or the fact that we love this school or maybe it's just the fact that we want to go to college. I see people walking around who I would never see myself getting to know. But we are all linked together.

Example B (I really liked when I noticed this one) - I was sitting outside D Vic 240 and waiting for my teacher to get there. I was like 20 minutes early. Everyone kept walking in and out of the door to go to class or leave class. That door has the most fucking annoying noise ever. I thought, I may never see any of these people again, and if I do, I probably won't realize I saw them. Common factor - we all walk through that door. We all start the day with that door. We walk through that door with frustration, with anticipation, with drowsiness, with energy, with coffee in hand, with a smile, with the intention to meet people, with the intention to learn how to sleep with our eyes open, with hopes of not being late, with eyes rolling, with hearts beating as fast or slow as they feel like beating. We all, different as we may be, enter that door.

So I thought about this while taking notes. It made me think of this weekend. So much has happened this weekend, mainly in the last 24 hours I was home. I've become a lot closer and a lot more frustrated with quite a few people. I had no idea how much I missed Kaleb until I came here. That didn't really fit into a generalized category of how I feel about everyone, so I figured the only way to say it was seperately...oh well. Anyway, so this weekend was amazing. So many good things happened, even though bad things were sprinkled in every now and then. So I kept thinking about all my friends and how I basically know them through theatre. 8 of my 9 best friends are in theatre. Whether or not I hate or love the people I did shows with this summer, we all have that common link. We all love to be on stage. It's what we do.

Now, we come back to my first word of this blog. Tolerance. Just because you have so much or so little in common with someone, just because you have to be around them, just because you have to share that certain experience, or even just because you love them...does that mean you have to tolerate the bullshit they give you? It makes me wonder. It surprises me when my straightforwardness surprises my close friends. I'm a bitch, I know. I say the things I say for a reason. I give off vibes by accident RARELY. Even if someone is my best friend, someone I love and care about till I fall off the face of the earth, do I have to put up with the stupid shit they give me? I get the whole "you should focus on the good and not the bad" thing. Really, I do. But realistically, I don't like when people piss me off because they know that they can. If they have a reason, a legitimate reason, go ahead. But I just don't think I should have to put up with all the bullshit that I usually put up with. I have other people. You are not the only one. You couldn't be replaced, but I'm sure as fuck that there are other people who treat me better. What happens when I sit back and have to ask myself if the good really does outweigh the bad? And the thing that sucks, is that I am not surprised that the question is about you.

I don't know what to do about that. I really don't. I wonder every fucking day if I made the right decision or not and as time goes on, I'm thinking more and more that I should have chosen differently. I just don't want to get let down anymore. I have too much going on, especially as of yesterday. I don't want to have to schedule in time to deal with drama from people I don't even see that much anymore. Tolerance...what a tricky thing indeed.

xoxo DannDann

"The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a cynical bastard"

This past week has been some kind of fierce. Let's discuss my life, shall we? Thursday I said goodbye to Tyler. Matt and Kaleb also stopped by my house to bid me farewell...not like I won't see them one week later...haha. Then I stayed up for a really long time so I could finish packing. Of course, the next day when I get to Hammond I realize that I did not pack EVERYTHING. Whatever, it's all good. So Friday I moved in all my shit to my dorm, which I LOOOOOVE. Made my bed. Hung up about 70% of my clothes. Shoved everything else under my bed. I was planning on spending the night by myself there since Kaylen went back to Gonzales for the night, but Tim texted me and told me to come hang with him and Chloe. So we all got fairly drunk our first night there. Haha. It was a grand time.

Then Saturday I started to print out the pictures for my frames and the walls. I had put up Olivia's, Tyler's, and Hannah's pictures on my wall and then stopped. Theirs were really good. I was satisfied with my work for that day. Then sometime during the day on Saturday, the whole thing with Hannah started (if you don't know, please do not ask). This whole thing is really beating me up. I've been so upset about it since the SECOND day that I've been away from home. Yeah, I miss everyone and all, but this is just way more than I thought I would have to deal with so early. I really miss her. I miss chilling with her. I hate that she's so mad at me and I can't do anything about it. I really didn't mean for it to come off the way it did, both things. I know she's more mad about the second thing than the first. To be honest, I didn't see the second reason coming at all. I just hate that me and Hannah aren't "me and Hannah" anymore. I love the girl, I do. I just wish things were better. It's really been killing me. It's all I've been thinking about since then.

So Kaylen came back Saturday night and her mom brought us to Canes and we had a cute conversation and whatnot. It was good. Then Sunday was good too. I had printed out Matt's and Cameron's pictures, but I hadn't put them up yet. I finished putting away all my shit and I finished framing the pictures I wanted to frame. I organized my drawers and my clothes and my shoes and my bed and yadda yadda yadda. It's very me. I love it. Then Kaylen and I decided to drink on Sunday. Haha. What a memory. Loveit. Then we hung out with Tim and his 18 thousand friends. Then after we sobered up, we came back downstairs to our room and then spent pretty much the entire night out on the balcony talking or somewhere in the dorm talking. We talked about a bunch of shit. If you're reading this, she probably knows all about you (unless you are some stupid NOCCA kid who reads blogs that you know NOTHING ABOUT! Just thought I would throw that one in there).

Sunday was good. Kaylen and I went shopping Monday. I got reflecting aviators - the ones like Kaleb and Julie have. Love themmm. I think I might get more when I go up to BR with Chloe again. So then Kaylen's family came and brought her a tv and shit and then we all went to Trey Yeun for dinner. Oh my God, their fried rice is fucking amazing. You don't even knoooooooow *sung*. Then Chloe called me and she was all upset. She drove from BR to Hammond to come talk to me. Did I mention that at this point in time I had known the girl for 3 days? What can I say, I connect to people. Haha. So then she came over to my dorm and we chilled and then after that she drove me to BR because she wanted to hang but she had to go back to her dorm. So I slept in her dorm and we had chilled and all.

Then Tuesday morning she drove me back to Hammond. We got lunch for me, her, and Tim and brought it back to Tim's dorm. We woke him up. How laughable. HA! That was a Tyler laugh for anyone who knows what that means. So we ate with him and then Chloe left and then I went back to my room and finished all the pictures. ALL. I've been talking to Cameron, Blythe, and Jody a lot lately. That really makes me happy. Just figured I would put that in there. Anyway, so then last night I took a nap around 5 and woke up at like 7:30. Too much crying happened yesterday. I'm trying not to think about it though. Casi got skype! We talked on there for a really long time and I'm pretty sure I made the best easy Mac I have ever had! It's her birthday today - ps...in case you were wondering. I love that girl.

I had my first class this morning which made me really nervous but it was really good. It's History 101 H. The first thing out of his mouth was "Hi. The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a cynical bastard." Good start. Loveit. He's hilarious. And now, I am in the library, killing time, writing a blog. My next class is at 11. It's 10:24 right now. I will probably head over in like 15 minutes since D Vickers (where my class is) is right next door. I think I shall go get some water. I like this. I'm definitely read for this.

I'M COMING TO NOLA FRIDAY. BE EXCITED FUCKERS!!!

xoxo Dann Dann :]

New Beginnings

I need to stop thinking of others before myself. Not all the time, just every now and then. I just don't feel like getting blamed for everything anymore. I don't want to be blamed for misunderstood non goodbyes that I didn't even know was wrong. I don't want to be blamed for keeping you apart when I did nothing more than support your alone time. I don't want to be blamed for your decisions when you are completely capable of making them. I don't want to be blamed for being real with you just because you don't agree or didn't want to hear it. I don't want to be blamed for your unhappiness. I don't want to be blamed for things that are not my fault and that seems to be what is happening lately.

I don't know whether or not I like that about 50% of my realizations about my life happen whilst I am sobering up, such as tonight's. I don't like trying so hard to be the person that everyone wants to be around, the person that is always there, the person you get drunk with, the person you cry with, just the whatever you need person. I don't like trying hard to be that person that everyone needs when I end up getting blamed for stupid shit.

I'm so ready for college. I'm so glad I'm not living at home. I'm so glad I'm far from certain people now. I'm ready for a new start, ready for people who won't get mad at stupid shit. I left high school, thinking I would leave all the stupid fucking drama behind. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to try to maintain relationships that aren't worth maintaining while trying to get used to my new life. I was talking to Kaylen about this while we were outside on the balcony and when we were in the dorm. I love Kaylen by the way. Me and her are very alike. I feel like I've known her for a really long time, when it's only been about two days and we had some pretty fucking deep conversations tonight. I'm really glad she's my roommate.

I'm ready for something real. I'm ready for everyone to stop being so goddamn fake. If you have a problem with me, you can just fucking tell me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. If I can fix it, I will. And if I can't, tell me anyway so I know what I did so that I can know to not do it again. I don't see what's so hard. I'm just ready for people to be real with me. I want to know who I can rely on, who will be there on the few weekends that I come in town, who will call me just to say that they thought of "that one time when we...", who will hug me so hard that I can't breathe when they see me because they miss me so much, who will know exactly what I'm thinking RIGHT NOW. I want a new beginning. I'm ready to make decisions about my life for me, not for other people. I've done that for way too long. I'm tired of pretending like I'm sorry for things that everyone is blaming me for when I didn't even do anything wrong. That stops now. It needs to. This is my life. Not yours.

This is my new beginning. I never said it had to be on your terms.

xoxo DannDann

The nine.

I've never been so happy to be with two people at once in my entire life. How fucking good is that picture? They mean the world to me. Words cannot adequately express how much I miss them even when I'm not with them for 15 seconds. I feel like I'm not Dani unless I'm with them. They bring out the best in me. I know I can say what I have to say around them. I know I can be real around them. I have nothing to hide with them. I know I can be myself with them and know that they expect and want nothing less. I know them. I love them. I don't think we could survive without each other. I like that people are intimidated by us. I like that people want to be a part of us. I think what the three of us have is miraculous and I definitely think that you should PRAY that you find a group friendship like this before you die.

This boy. I love him. He's amazing. I trust him with more than I trust a lot of people with, more than I trust a lot of my other best friends. I know I can talk to him about anything really. I know he values my opinion and my friendship. Even though I seem to have questioned his priorities a lot, I think he has a good head on his shoulders. He's a good kid. He knows what he's doing and when he doesn't, he asks for help. He's not afraid to ask questions or look like an idiot or be himself and I love that. I love that he is nothing but Matthew.

Hahaha. That picture is soooo us in a nutshell. I love that we had that conversation in your car for like two hours outside of my grandparents house. I love that I can talk to you an hour about sex and laugh more than I breathe while talking about it. I love how much you make me laugh. I'm so glad we got closer this summer. You are a very important person to me. Know that I am here and that you CAN BE HAPPY around me. I want you to be happy. I'm not unhappy. You're not making me unhappy. If anything you make me one of the happiest people alive. I love taking a shitload of pictures in the Cragin's bathroom and I love being able to talk to you for hours about nothing and everything all at the same time. I don't know what I would do without your laugh.

Words could not even begin to describe how glad I am that you have been my best friend for the past four years. I love you soooo much. You have always been there for me and you have listened to me bitch about my life and I'm glad you finally told me what you told me in Destin. I know you don't open up to people easily and I'm really happy that you know you can tell me anything. I trust you probably the most out of anyone I know. I don't know what I would do if you weren't going to school with me. I would probably die. No, I would definitely die. I wouldn't have rather protected anyone but you and Erin for stealing that exam. I love that we got away with it. I love that we are us. I love that we are killer/witness. I love that you've been right there with me through everything I've gone through and I love that you know I will always be here for you.

This picture is soooo us. I love your blinking. Period. I love that you are one of the biggest dorks and sketchballs I have ever met. Your sketchiness makes me so happy. I love that we went to about 87328 different places to get food at 3:45 in the morning, none of which were open, and that going to Burger King gave us the best Casi-Dani story ever. "This is very Lucy and Ethel of us." I couldn't think of anything that would be more accurate to say about us. You are my partner in crime. You are my sister, not just because you're black. I love that we have talked pretty much every night in the past 8 months (with the exception of the summer shows) and that we never run out of something to talk about. I love that you stutter probably more than anyone I know.

This is the way we live. Haha. This picture is so perfect. I love how close we have gotten in the past year. You have helped me have some major breakthroughs in my life in the past six months. Even though I'm not madly in love with you like I thought I was, I am so glad we are the way we are. We are very us (obviously) but I love our us a lot more than I normally love my "us's" with other people. It makes sense to me. I love that you can be completely honest with me. I can't believe you're going halfway across the country. I'm glad you love it there though, it's so ridiculously you. You will fit in there like a fucking glove.

Never did I ever think I would have become so close to you. I remember the first time I called you on the phone was at like 3 in the morning and we talked for 2 hours and it was not the least bit awkward. Well, you know how when you have your first conversation on the phone with someone it's bound to be a bit awkward, well it wasn't awkward with you. Those things don't happen often with anyone. Haha. You always make me laugh. I love that you bought me a shirt that says Fruitcake. I love that I made my mom buy oranges for you. I love that you are THE token Asian boy. I know I can always be inappropriate with you and it will never be awkward. You don't do awkward. I love it. I love you. You're quite amazing. Oh and the thing I think I love the most about you is when you "catch it". I hope you know what that means. *blows kiss at you*

I have trouble saying your first name without saying your last name. Your hair flips complete my day. I didn't expect you to become part of my daily routine. I feel like every one of my days must include us asking each other about the drama with the gays or just asking questions in general or reminding each other of how lame we are, but in that amazing way, you know? You are a warrior. "You're friends with a few girls, a warrior, and a lot of gays." I will never forget that. That was so fucking funny. I feel like I learn something valuable from every conversation we have and I love that I can trust you even though we never really had a conversation until Cinderella. This summer has definitely done wonders for our friendship and for this, I am eternally grateful. You don't even know. Ha!

I just felt the need to say something to my nine favorite people in the entire world. I love you all so much. You have made this summer the best one yet. I don't know what I would have done with myself if one of you were not in my life. You all have made such an impact on my life and have influenced me in the majority of my decisions. You mean the world to me. I will visit you all as much as possible throughout college. I don't see how I can go more than a couple of days without talking to ALL of you. You have undoubtedly changed my life and I think you should know how amazing every single of you is. I love it. I love you. Thank you for giving me billions of experiences (and pictures, of course) that I will never forget.

xoxo DannDann

ps- the pictures of you all, soooooo good.

Balance

God, I can't remember the last time I worried about someone so much. I love him so much and I want the best for him and it was so hard for me to say what I said tonight. I don't know how to tell someone they're making a mistake without saying "you're making a mistake". And I can't say that. I want him to make his own choices, his own decisions. My opinion is extremely biased, yet extremely realistic, honest, and valuable. I know everyone's side of the story. I know how everyone feels about everyone. I like that I know practically everything, but at the same time I hate it. I like it because I can give advice knowing how everyone feels, but I hate it because I can give advice knowing how everyone feels.



I don't want him to be dissapointed or let down or upset. I don't want to be the one who makes his decisions or influences them greatly. I want him to make decisions based on what he feels but I want him to know how I feel about them. I don't want him to regret not going after this, but at the same time, if he does go after it I don't want him to regret it once he realizes I was right. I'm usually right. Period. I know what I'm talking about. I don't play. I have no problem being honest with him, but at the same time, I can predict how everything will turn out. I told him that but I think he was half asleep and didn't hear me. The thing that killed me though was what he said when he was half asleep. He said, "I'm going to go out with him. I want to date him. Is that okay with you?" And then there was about a two minute pause and he said, "Dani?" and I said, "Yeah" and he said, "What did I just say? I was falling asleep, I don't remember."



It took me a good minute and a half to regain my composure before I could repeat back to him what he had said. God, it shocked me. But I don't know what confused me more, the fact that I knew it was true or that he asked if it was okay with me. I don't want to say no, it's not okay, because I'm supportive of whatever he does. I want him to go for what he wants. I want him to be happy. I want him to make his own choices. But I'm worried that he will get hurt or let down or dissapointed and knowing that I could have maybe possibly said something to make things different is what will absolutely kill me. But I don't want to stop him from making his decision, whether or not I agree with it. I just do not see this ending well and I have tried to explain it over and over but I feel like I'm holding back. I feel like I'm afraid that I'm forcing my opinion on him.



I want him to be happy. I want the best for him and I really think he deserves better. Not that this is bad but he just deserves better. But at the same time, I want him to go after what he wants, not what I want for him even though my intentions are good. I just can't see it happening. I can't see him being happy with that. And again, I know it's not my decision, it's not up to me, but I just wish he knew everything I knew. I wish everyone knew everything I knew. How do you tell someone that you want what's best for them without sounding like you are trying to control them? I'm worried I am controlling him. I'm trying so hard not to. But, fuck, if you only knew how much I care about him. If anyone came slightly close to caring about him as much as I do, I don't think they would know how to handle themselves. I can't control what happens, and as much as I want things to go the way I want them to, I would much rather have him make decisions on his own.



Shit. How do you balance advice with influence?



xoxo DannDann

Opening Night!!!

So today has been rough even though it's barely started. The best thing I've done all day is listen to [TOS]. I woke up at 7 because of my stupid fucking alarm that I set, which was completely necessary, but completely annoying nontheless. I wanted to go back to sleep but I needed to shower. So I took care of that. Then I got all my shit together and put it in the car and set off with my dad and my sister to go to the hospital to have breakfast with the family. It's my grandparents' anniversary today. Something ridiculous like 57 years I think, not sure though. So we went to the hospital to have breakfast with them. That was a little rough to deal with. I gets increasingly harder to do but I would rather do it and have it be hard than not do it at all. But it was a rough way to start off the day. Anyway, so then I remembered all the shit I forgot at my house as I was walking in Pauline's door.

I'm babysitting again today. I think this is my last day. Perfect timing since the show opens tonight. Anyway, so I told Michelle that she needs to bring three things when she comes and gets me. Shit I already forgot one of them. Nope! I just remembered. Haha. Of course.

Yesterday was not a good day. I was being very unlike myself. I didn't like that. The amount of what I like about my personality is greater than the amount of what I don't like about my personality. I was contemplating whether or not I should "censor" (thank you Matthew) myself. I decided against it. I'm kind of glad that I made that decision. I talked about it with Mattie. I feel a lot better about everything now. Oh my God, you know what annoys the fuck out of me? Is there a space between "a lot" or is it just one word "alot"? Gah! It always drives me crazy. I usually put the space in. Whatever. Michelle is putting curlers in my hair later today when she comes to get me and I'm bringing a curling iron anyway in case the curlers don't work the way I want. I'm gonna be looking somethin fierce today when I arrive. I like what I'm wearing. It's one of my favorite outfits. You've probably seen it before since I wear it everywhere. And then I will have curlers in.

AAAAHHHH! The show opens in 9 1/2 hours! Yaaaaaay blogging at 10 AM. I'm really actually excited about the show. I always kind of hate rehearsal but now that it's actually here, I love it. It makes me happy. I like acting. Nope, love it, actually. I'm silly. It makes me soooo happy. I had the intention of making this blog serious and I felt like I was going to end up being sad when I finished writing but now I'm realizing how excited I am about the show opening tonight. So this was an unexpected direction of this blog. Tonight will be swell. I'm pumped!

Well, now I'm off to finish listening to [TOS] and then just chilling with the munchkins today. Favorite quote from yesterday - "My name is Luke Pigwalker." I love these children. Hahahahahaha. It's always a pleasure to write in you, blog, thanks for listening.

xoxo DannDann

Danielle vs. Dani vs. DanDan

So I love winning. I make prettymuch everything in my life a matter of losing or winning. I feel like this is bad, but if it really bothered me that much, then I wouldn't think of things that way anymore and clearly I am not that concerned. So I won. This whole "being grounded, no phone, no keys" thing. Yeah, that ended right quick. I like being good with words. I believe this will get me very far in life. I know how to work people really well. I know how to make the best out of what I have. This is good. I won. It makes me happy.

On to other things. So I thought a lot yesterday about how boisterous I am. I have few limits with what I don't do or what I don't allow to be done. I like that there is one Dani. Well I mean there's two, once you get really close to me and I trust you and let you get to know the deeper side of me, but that's how everyone is. The way I'm not like everyone, however, is that I'm not the "Well, I'm quiet if I don't know you" kind of person. I'm not shy and modest when you first meet me, I'm not trying to win you over by being polite or being "normal". I love that I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. You know from day one how I am.

However, there is a downside to this. I do realize that I am a very over the top person and that I am a lot to take in at once and that it does take time to get used to me. I feel like I've been really annoying lately, especially to Tyler. And I know he has not told me this but, I don't know. I feel like I try to protect him too much. Whatever, we shall not get into specific relationships that I have with everyone. Anyway, I just feel like things I do really turn people away, and no one has really said this and I guess everyone just kind of knows (and hopefully loves) me being me is going to be a lot different than your average person. I don't know. Lately, I've just felt like DanDan is too much. I think there are different levels to me...

There's Danielle. You don't know her unless you're significantly close to me. There's Dani which everyone knows. She's the every day Dani. Then there's DanDan. She's a crazy bitch, especially when she's drunk. I feel like in the past couple of weeks, I have been more DanDan than Dani and I don't know if I like that. I don't even know if anyone knows what I'm talking about or if you think there is a difference or not. I just don't want people to step away from me right before I leave for school. 8 days. Not a lot of time. It worries me.

Pajama Game is going sooooooooooo much better than it was before. Come see it! August 7, 8, 9, 10 at St. Francis Xavier (on Metairie Road). General admission is $8. August 7-9 (Thursday-Sunday) @ 7:30 pm, August 10 (Sunday) @ 2:30 pm. Be there! I think it has definitely come a long way. I am going to miss the fuck out of my theatre friends. Hmm...okay I think I have said all I need to say. All for now, lovers.

xoxo DannDann