We Are Fucking Good

These past three days have given me so many things to think about. I'm supposed to want to spend time with my family, I'm supposed to want to sit down to dinner with them, I'm supposed to ignore my phone when I'm with my relatives. I'm supposed to do a lot of things that I don't do.

All I've wanted to do the past three days is be with my friends...which I did. And there's no way in the entire world that I could've been happier with it...right? I'm scared to talk about the past. It makes me nervous. I don't know if bringing up the old good times is too much and I don't know if bringing up the bad times is allowed. I want to tell people how I'm still really worried that it will all happen again, but I also want to tell people how happy I am that it has come out to be what it is right now.

I am astonished as to how things have changed in the past three months. Going from excellent to horrible to perfect. To perfect, right? I don't understand how my brain can think about so many things at one time, how it can always be overflowing with thoughts and finds a way to still fit more, how it can get so frustrated, how it can keep itself contained. I want to live in the moment, but I can't help but to wonder what happens now, or over break, or in 3 months, or over the summer, or next year, or the year after that... I can't help but wonder how things will change, how people will change, or maybe how people will not change.

As much as a lot of us have changed, a couple of us haven't changed at all, even if I thought they had. I don't know if I should just stop trying completely to figure out a couple of people. I want reassurance, really. Honestly, that's what I want - reassurance and stability. And happiness. I think the first two are the only ones that I can be helped with. The happiness thing is all me. It hasn't been working lately. I haven't been happy. Granted, I have been extremely happy with the way relationships have mended themselves (especially as of last night with two people), but I'm just not happy as a person. It's been like this for a while.

Can I be real honest for a second? I'm that person who forgives, but doesn't forget. I will never forget that you said that. You don't even know that I know that you said it. I forgive you now, and I know it's different now, and I know we're good now, and I know you love me. But I know you said it. I never knew it was that bad. I never knew it was bad until it was that bad. I miss you. So much. I love you. I know we;re a lot better and I know you love me because you show it now and you tell me, but I just can't for the life of me understand what I did. I don't know how you could have honestly felt that way about me when we were so inseperably close. I don't know when it started. I don't know how it started. I know where we are and I know that's what matters, but I still think about what you said every day of my life.

However, as unhappy as I may be within myself (having very little to do with anyone else), you all have made me so happy. Please just know that. The fact that you all want to see me more than you did right after I left for school, I think it's funny, and I love it. I love that you all want to see me. And I love that I can turn down my Hammond friends because I have plans with y'all every night I'm here. It's good to know that everything worked out, that I'm worth it for you all. After everything happened, I didn't know who I would be okay with. I was so scared that I would lose all of you and that was not something I wanted at all. I'm so glad that we worked through all of the bullshit, whatever the reasons were. I know it's behind us and I'm so glad that we have all realized how happy we are with each other. At least, that's what I think happened. Haha. I wouldn't rather call anyone else my friends. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you all.

Me - If I say "don't" do you know what I'm referring to?
Kaleb - Yes.
Me - Okay.
Kaleb - Why?
Me - Really?
Kaleb - Seriously, why?
Me - Nevermind, it's whatever.
Kaleb - Because if I said yes, would it make me from the same womb?
Me - Yes...We are fucking good.

xoxo DannDann

HAPPY Thanksgiving, right?

Thanksgiving - a day that is customarily spent with family where everyone is thankful for each other, good health, a happy home, and blah blah blah.

Well at least that's what normal people do. I'm not normal. My family is not normal. How can I be thankful for a sibling who I can't stand to be around for more than 20 minutes? I really wish she hadn't come in town for the holidays. She's supposed to be staying in Mississippi for Christmas break. I really hope she does. Last night, she drove me fucking insane. I really am done with trying to be nice to her and trying to let her in my life. Just because you're my sister - it doesn't mean that I have to like you, care about you, or give a fuck about anything you do.

Whatever. I just want to be with the rest of my family and my friends. Other than that, I kind of want to be back in Hammond. Is that horrible of me? I want to go back to Hammond and sit in Dana's big pink chair and laugh at her and Jen. I don't want to study or anything, I just want to be back there. Granted, I want to be with people here, but I'm coming back in two weeks for a whole month. And I'm coming back next weekend, too. There will be plenty enough of me for a while.

I just hate being in my house, having my sister here, and having my mother make me do everything because she doesn't know how to deal with my sister. I really hope the movies works out tonight. I need my people. I need my sanity. I need to get away from these fucking people.

xoxo DannDann

I wish you hadn't come into my life. I wish I had never met you. The things you make me think drive me crazy. You drive me absolutely crazy. I can't have you. I can't be around you. It's impossible. You're impossible. I'm impossible. No one has ever made me wish I were so different. No one has ever made me so frustrated. No one has ever made me so jealous. No one has ever made me so absolutely insane. I can't deal with you and all that you make me think. I can't be honest with you, but I don't know how to lie to you. I never asked for someone like this. I never asked for the most impossible emotions. I didn't want this. I didn't want you. I hate that you make me question everything I've ever known. I hate that I know you. I hate that I can't get it the way I want. I hate that I can't change either of us. I hate that you do this to me. I hate that you don't know. I hate that I can't win. I hate that I want you. I hate that I need you. I hate that I absolutely completely undeniably love you.

"Cancer and alcoholism...it's a way of life"

My head hurts really bad right now. I'm not hungover anymore. I wasn't that hungover to begin with. Last night was the fourth time in 5 days that I've been drunk. It's unhealthy. It's silly. I kind of like it. It makes me laugh. I should take it more seriously, but I do not, not indeed. No, no, Rene.

I like having serious conversations when I'm drunk. Thursday it was with Jen and Dana and last night it was with Jody. I think I'm good with everyone right now. I really like that. I was stressing out a lot yesterday when I was at dinner. Secret: I really know what's wrong. Too many things are wrong. None of them are really major, but they are just kind of concerns that I have I guess. I kept saying that I didn't know and, really, I was just kind of confused as to why I was so upset about so many little things, but I knew all along what they are. I didn't even tell Cameron what they were when I was on the phone with him. I miss him so much. Three weeks and I will undoubtedly cry when I see him. You don't even know. At all.

My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's because I'm still full or if I'm hungry. We are going to see the NOCCA show tonight. I'm so excited. I really like what I'm wearing. It's cute. It's a blue sweater and a dark gray skirt. It's very cute. Oh my God I haven't heard this song in a long time. Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. Listen to it. It's beautiful. Last night was fun. I'm glad I got drunk with Katie (and Jody and Casi as well). Casi kept crying. We peed on some person's house. Jody gave her a hat that he found on the ground. Katie got picked up on by a 22-year-old black guy. It was an interesting night. How silly. I had a lot of fun.

*insert the title of this post*

xoxo DannDann

I just looked at all of the pictures in the scrollboxes on my Myspace. Oh the memories. It's funny. As much as I loved how good things were and as much as I miss it all, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would much rather be here, in the heart of my relationships, having been up and down, in and out, and all over the place. I would much rather know everyone the way I know them now, good and bad. Granted, I want to be happy, and I was happy then, but I'm happy now (even though it may be a different kind of happy). I love that I am here and not where I was. I miss it, though. I really do.

But I love knowing what and who I know. I would rather be here after a million fights with you and a million tears and a million laughs and still be here and strong and knowing that we made it. I would much rather be here. Those times were good and I loved them, I still do. But putting those pictures up on my wall last night made me realize how far everything went and how far it has come back to where we are now and I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how long it takes, things will be resolved, everything will end up being better.

I can't live without you people...even when I want to live without you...I can't.

And I love that.

xoxo DannDann

Make The Effort

I want to write but I'm not sure about what. I'm about to help Dana with her paper so I figure I might as well start typing now and get the words to start coming to my brain. Hmmm. You know what I love? My friends here, they call me an Encyclopedia. I am. I always know everything about everyone and every situation and any known question. I love that. I love being asked things and being able to answer them whether it be how many days are in a month or even what a hotdog is made of. I love using words that aren't common. I wrote about this breifly before when I talked about how I like to use adjectives other than "good." I really do enjoy being that person though.

I have a feeling that a couple of people are mad at me and I'm not quite sure why. Lie. I know why one of them would be mad at me. I have no idea why one of them would be mad at me. And I don't give a fuck if the third person is mad at me. It just confuses me. I hate being on bad terms with people, especially when I try to make things better. Last night was fun. We played daquiri pong. We lost. It was fun. Kaylen was "drunk." I don't know how. She didn't even have that much. I drove her car to Taco Bell. Hahaha. THAT was an adventure. Then I got back to my dorm and just got really upset. I was thinking about how [I think] some people are mad at me. I just really don't feel like dealing with this nonsense anymore, to tell you the truth. I will fight with people till the day I die, but I always make sure to make an effort to resolve things (even when I shouldn't be the person taking the first step). I hate when I go to make the effort and the other person doesn't even try to talk to me about it. What good is running away?

Dana's writing notes on the short story she's reading and she wrote "gpaw bert." Me and Jen got a good laugh out of that. I really love that I've been hanging out with them a lot. I always feel like they want me there. I know this sounds really fucking stupid, but I always feel like I have to invite myself places and I always have to make the effort. It's extremely reassuring to know that I don't have to make the effort for them. I wish more people were like that. I know three people who are like that other than Dana and Jen. No, but really, I wish you all knew them. They're great. They make me so happy.

I don't know what the fuck is going on with Darra lately. I like that I write about people that nobody [who reads this] knows. I like having a part of the world to myself. I love having them know a different side of me...not in a bipolar way. Wow. That was silly! I really do love being in Hammond. I wouldn't come home as much as I do if I didn't have obligations. There's always a show or a plan or something. I don't know, maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. It's completely...ridiculous. I like it. I've discovered a lot about myself since I've been here. Not only about myself, but also about how I feel about everyone back home. My time here really has put everything into perspective. I like it. I don't necessarily like the thoughts that I have, but I like that I can think about things and not be surrounded by them while I'm thinking about them.

Fuck, I'm tired. And I still have to write Dana's paper (which will be easy, so I don't know what I have such a negative connotation with that), and I have to finish I project (which will take me ten minutes), and then we are going to watch Dark Knight (HOPEFULLY) outside tonight on the big screen. I hope tonight will be grand. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Make the effort.

xoxo DannDann

Those Who Don't Try Never Look Foolish

I love being an idiot. No sarcasm. Well, not an idiot as in not knowing how to spell schedule, but an idiot as an running down the halls, screaming, arms flailing around in the air, because your friends just scared the shit out of you. I love being that kind of an idiot. It's okay to look stupid. I hate when people don't speak or act the way they want to because they don't want to look stupid. So the fuck what? Who cares if you looks stupid? If you fall - you look stupid. Laugh at yourself.

I love when people can laugh at themselves. That's one of the main rules of being friends with me. Be able to laugh at yourself. I will make fun of you. You will make fun of me. We will laugh about it. I know that I'm an idiot when I'm screaming about the goddamn roach in my room, but I'm laughing at myself no matter how aggravated I am. I wish more people would do that. I wish you all knew Dana and Jen. I think they are becoming my best friends here. They are so much fucking fun. That's one of the biggest things that you have to be able to do when you become friends with them. We make fun of each other constantly and I wouldn't have it any other way. We can be stupid and silly and idiotic and loud and dumb and sarcastic and mean and laughing and perfect. I love having friends who laugh all the time and who make me laugh all the time as well.

Relation to the title: Don't be afraid to look stupid. You will either look stupid for trying and failing or you will look stupid for not trying because you were afraid to fail. Try new things. Take chances. Say what you feel. Forgive someone. Get your point across. Skip class. Don't regret what you do. Think before you talk. Love till it hurts. Cry till it feels better. Try. Try whatever you want to try whether it's something as simple as sewing or something as big as college. Just try. You will inevitably end up looking foolish when you make a mistake, but at least you would have done something you wanted to do. It's okay to be stupid. It's okay to be an idiot. It's okay to be foolish. It's okay.

Try something new.

xoxo DannDann

Vessels

It really amazes me how quickly one little thing can change how I'm feeling.

There are always a series of emotions that I contain within myself. There is always a lot of sadness, a lot of happiness, a lot of anger, and a lot of excitement. Usually, all it takes is one minor incident to decide which emotion I tap in to. Say I were to tap into sadness, that doesn't mean that all of my other emotions are gone, it just means that they are not up at bat.

I get very frustrated with people very quickly and I usually just try to brush it off depending on the importance of the situation. If I am approached with something I do not want to talk about, I usually try to keep conversation at a minimum and continue to avoid all possible topics relating to such a conversation. Say someone says something to me that I feel is completely unneccesary, and I get upset. Then I would tap into sadness and anger (or whatever emotions come with what was said) and I kind of explode. And it's not even that I'm extremely mad about what I'm saying that I'm mad about, it's just that the one thing that makes me upset and angry, leads me to use all of the emotion I have (whatever it may be about), and sometimes it is used incorrectly. It makes sense to me.

Then when an event, similar in size, but different in emotion happens, it puts me back in check. It lets me close the vessels of negative emotion and open the positive emotions. Therefore, I realize that what had been bothering was not bothering me as much as I conveyed that it was. I do get frustrated, and most of the time, I do have the right to be. However, I often overuse emotion (no matter how justified the emotion may be) and then I become frustrated and I just make it more difficult to clearly convey what I am thinking and feeling. I realize that this is a problem. I realize that I need to work on it, but for now, it is what it is.

I don't want anyone to change themselves, and if I did, I just would stop being friends with them. I love my friends. I love them because they are the way they are. But love is not perfection, nor do I expect it to be. I do not expect my friends to be perfect and I do not expect my friends to not become frustrated with me, just as I become frustrated with them. Frustration and anger and sadness are all a part of life, as is happiness. I do tend to let the scale weigh heavier on the negative emotions that I feel instead of the happy ones. I will try to even it out. But just know that I love you all as you are. And know that I am sorry for incorrectly conveying my emotions and letting frustration get the best of me. That is all for now.

xoxo DannDann

November

First off...why has everyone in the blogging community virtually died? Where the fuck have you people gone off to? I haven't read anything in a while. Just saying...

The shift button on this computer is immensely annoying. You have to press it really hard whenever you want to capitalize a letter and, half of the time, it doesn't work ANY of the four times that you try it. Oh well. It will suffice.

Last night was silly. Before I go into that, I will tell you how much I hate November. I really hate November. I hate Novemeber because you're finally settled in, you know that you like everything you have discovered, and then you start to realize the problems. You realize that certain people don't really necessarily give a fuck about you like you thought they did. You realize that certain people act like they are still in high school. You realize that certain people only care about themselves. And most of all you realize that you miss certain people more than you ever thought you would. I hate November.

Last night was the embodiment (spelling?) of the previous paragraph. I cleaned for five and a half hours yesterday. The entire fucking dorm, except Kaylen's room. But all of the mess (other than in my room) was all due to her. I don't use dishes. I take out my trash. I pick up after myself. Homegirl, on the other hand, not so much. But I cleaned everything. I felt much better afterwards. I also felt exhausted. I waited for Darra and Krystal to get back so that we could go to Taco Bell. We were in the car for 35 minutes and they talked the entire time...to each other. It's like I wasn't even there. I went upstairs when we got back and ate my food. Then Dana called me to come hang outside (in the fucking freezing cold). Then we went and hung out with Jen. That was fun. I forgot how fucking funny Jen Kuzma is. Loveit. Then I went back to my dorm and laid down in my bed and I just started crying. I was not okay. Not at all. I hadn't cried about my grandma's death since the funeral a week ago. That was part of why I cried. The other parts are so complex and I don't feel like attempting to explain them. I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone. Everyone was asleep. Ha. I'm not blaming anyone though. People need sleep. I need sleep.

Last night was just bad. It bothers me a little bit that I have started this paragraph and the two before it with "last night". I wonder if you noticed. Well, you did now. Oh, and I would like to add that I love being right. All the time. I really am. For those of you who still don't believe me when I say that, that is fine. I have all the time in the world. I don't know how I do it, I really don't. "What can I say, I'm pretty immaculate."

xoxo DannDann

I present to you a series of emotions. Each "post" is about multiple people, not just one person. I don't say where I switch from person to person. It doesn't really matter. This is more for me than for you all. Ha.

Angry post:

Let me vent for 2.5 seconds. I really am fucking tired of all your bullshit. I'm done. I'm always fucking here for you and you are never there. Get your fucking priorities straight. You can't bitch bitch bitch about them and say how much you miss them. It doesn't fucking work like that. Care about something and stick to it. Figure out who you are and stop lying to everyone about fucking everything you do. It is NOT OKAY. Oh, and don't fucking judge me because I went out with them one night. Now you completely stop talking to me? Shut the fuck up. You've done sooo much worse than I have and I don't care, so why the fuck should you be mad at me for hanging out with people I like? Get over yourself.

Happy post:

Simple joys. I love how close I am to you. You make me so happy. For a while I never thought anyone would ever be able to get to me anymore. That was fucking rough. But I love that I have found you and that you are honestly one of my favorite people in the whole fucking world. I hope this is long term. I like that I had that phone call. Just when I doubt you, you prove me wrong. If I think we're not okay, you find some way to unknowingly reassure me that all is well. Even though things aren't how they used to be, it's better than nothing. I like it. I love that I can talk to you. You're pretty much the only one I have here who knows about my life, who gets me. I love our conversations outside at fucking 2 in the morning. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sad post:

I want you to be okay. I wish for two things at 11:11. One of them is about you. I realized the other day that you being happy is one of the things that will make me the most happy. I hate that I don't get to see you that much, especially since we are so close. I feel like I always bitch to you and I wish I could be a better friend to you. I never know if you're real or not, both of you. It upsets me because I want to trust you but I wish that you wouldn't be so defensive and I wish that you wouldn't be so general. I want to figure you out and it's just very frustrating to hear you say you trust me, yet you don't show it. I want to believe you but a lot of the times I don't.

My post:

I don't know what is going on with myself. I know what's going on with everyone else though. I've been thinking a lot these past three weeks about how much I do not want to do school right now. I want to do college, but I don't want to do school. I really wish that class was just learning and discussing. No papers. No exams. No homework. I realize that this is completely unrealistic, but I would just enjoy it so much more. I've never really not liked school. I know it sounds stupid, but I've always loved school and just hated the work. But, now, I don't like school. I don't know if college is for me and it really surprises me that I think that. Like, I know I need to go to college, but I just fear that it won't help me. I could do sooo many things with my life. I'm smart and I'm really good with people. I wonder if I'm picking the right thing. I know I have awesome potential to be super successful, but I'm just afraid that I won't live up to my potential. I'm worried that I will fail. I'm worried that I spend too much time worrying about stupid things and just too much time worrying in general.

I just want to be at that point right now, the point I expect myself to be at in ten years. And I know I have to work up to that point, I have to start small so I can end up big. I just don't want to wait. I know I will have to wait, like everyone else. But I just don't know what to think. I really like being here and being on my own. And I'm not just talking about going out and partying and blah blah blah. I really like having my own little place and having new friends and having a different start with them. I like that I barely have any drama with the people here and the drama that I do have here doesn't coincide with the other friendships I have here.

I want to let go. I want to not worry. I want to drop all the drama. I want to sing. I want to just sit here and have not a care in the world. I want something better and I know I will get it, I'm just tired of waiting. I've been waiting all my life for something better. Better education, better opportunities, better jobs, better people, better me, better everything. I'm not saying that these things aren't good right now, but I just want something different. Something new. Something that I love, that I can be passionate about, that I want to do. I want to breathe. I want to spread my wings. I want to fly.

xoxo DannDann

Cheers to the A word.

So before I tell you about my night, I am going to decipher all of the drunk texts that I wrote.

- "Mmmm hamdp granads" was Mmmm hand granades
- "H thgpnk we jurt fuckhn brokd hntn carolhnes hotre" was I think we just fucking broke into Caroline's house
- "We are nt evem bak tn hamm6nd! We re fucke!" was We aren't even back to Hammond! We are fucked!
- "Tyker bvrryyy!" was Tyler Curryyy!
- "Adam h i ss u ro much!" was Adam I miss you so much!
- "H ftckhng lnue u and hm so gkad we aqe bertfrhends! I gss u alreay!" was I fucking love you and I'm so glad we are best friends. I miss you already!
- "Darqd! I mi7r u!" was Darra! I miss you!
- "I meeep to stnp roking. Dana ir sonnooo gay." was I need to stop smoking. Dana is soooo gay.
- "Wheqe aqe ynuuvuuu?" was Where are youuuuu?
- "Rooom mucgh fog!" was Sooo much fog!
- "Met aloote peopje. Fubk a lotta hoer." was Met a lot of people, fucked a lot of hoes.
- "We comin bcbk in lhk 2.5" was We're coming back in like 2.5

Oh my Lawd. 11:11 MAKE A WISH! Well not you, just me! Okay. 11:12. Enough of that nonsense. This post was going to be deep. I actually have shit to talk about, but after my text clarification, I figured I would just save the big post for later. My head hurts so fucking bad I'm about to pass the fuck. Ummm well let's see. Yesterday...here's what happened (Monk reference, anyone?)...

I came back yesterday around 12:30. I saw the Ashley's and Corey first. Then I saw Ashley C. and Darra. Then I saw Parker. Then I saw Dana and Jen. Then I saw Kerra and Nicole. Then I saw Kaylen. Then I saw Krystal. Then I saw Jacquelyn and Tim. That was all throughout the rest of the day. I didn't expect people to be surprised to see me. I just didn't think that they would miss me. I'm not used to being that big of a deal to my Hammond people. I thought I would get a cute, "Oh, heyyyyy. You're backkkk. We missed youuuu." (All held out at the end of each sentence but with a very slight smile when said) Just something simple...no...I'm pretty sure the entire goddamn campus heard them scream. Hahaha. I love them. I miss them so much. Ashley C. fucking jumped on me. So did Dana. Haha. Loveit.

Anyway, so then we decided that we were gonna go meet up with Caroline at The Pub. We = me, Parker, Dana, Jen, Kaylen. So we ended up leaving at fucking 11. We were already buzzed since we took shots before we left. Mmmmyummy. Anyway...so we get to The Pub at like midnight and meet up with Caroline who was already really fucking wasted. So we buy frozen hand granades, and I finished mine first (Surprise.) and then we were all wasted except Jen since she drove. Well there were a lot of dykes. A whole fucking lot of them. I texted lots of things (as you read above) and I think I made a couple of phone calls too. Anyway. So Caroline started puking, so she got in a car with her friend and her friend drove her home. We went to meet her at her house to make sure she was okay. We got there before her. Jen (SKETCHBALL) knew when the SPARE KEY was. Yeah. So we pretty much enter Caroline's house...WITHOUT CAROLINE. Then Caroline finally gets there. We all give her kisses and we leave...it is now 3:15 in the FUCKING morning and we were STILL IN NEW ORLEANS. We get back a little after 4.

Me and Kaylen came upstairs, ate pizza, and PASSED THE FUCK OUT. I slept really really well... until my alarm woke me up for my NINE O'CLOCK CLASS (I really am screaming everything I write in caps, you should too! *thumbs up*). That was fucking brutal. I looked like a "morning after" person. I looked fucking rough. Still do. Oh well. No matter. I'm about to go right the fuck back to sleep. Last night was so much fun. P the Fuck - leave it up to me to go back to NOLA twelve hours after I left for Hammond. Wow. I fucking know.

Kaylen - "Oh, I knew it. WHAT THE FUCK?"

I missed this.

xoxo DannDann

He can't replace you, he's not gay enough.

No one has really written in a while. First post of November! Woot woot! I'm waiting for the clock to hit 8 so I can rinse out my hair dye. Today will undoubtedly be one for the books. I have a funeral to attend, then back to my house with relatives, then a job interview (I know, right?), then hopefully seeing a couple of people before I leave. Then I have to clean again when I get home. It's silly. So much to do. Such different things. Oh well. It's my life. I'm used to it.

I don't know how to not have a lot on my mind. I discovered this last night. I don't know how to not worry. I heard a part of a song last night and the only part I heard was "Enjoy it while you can." I don't like worrying. I'm not saying I'm going to completely stop worrying, but I'm going to try to worry less. If I spend too much time worrying, I can't enjoy it. Let whatever happen. Whatever is going to happen. I just need to be worried when it does happen, well I can be worried before, but I don't like being super worried like I always am. Make sense? Am I rambling? Kcool.

Anyway. I talked to Olivia last night. I miss her. Super duper much. Yeah, I'm that gay. Hahaha. That made me think of the funniest thing ever. "He can't replace you, he's not gay enough."

AND THAT IS THE PERIOD.

xoxo DannDann