Naturally perfect

SuPeRb0y21213: you know what i always wanted to say to you but i never do
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how ... hmmm whats the word
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how intense you are about friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: its a good thing
SuPeRb0y21213: i dont think enough people are serious enough about them
SuPeRb0y21213: and im glad that you take them seriously
SuPeRb0y21213: and dont get me wrong there are moments of too intense
SuPeRb0y21213: but i love that you make sure an effort at friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: i love it
SuPeRb0y21213: i love you

You don't even know. I was so upset earlier. You should've read the post I wrote earlier...before I decided to save it as a draft instead. I was not pleased, not at all. I hate being so alone. And I hate being reminded of how alone I am. Agreeing with you, it is not a personal attack, but it still makes me feel more lonely than I did before. I don't like it. I don't like crying. It's stupid. I also don't like when people don't think before they talk. I just remembered something someone said a couple of days ago in reference to crying. I laughed it off, but it really made me upset. I try not to think about it. I wish I could depend on more people than I can. Oh well. Can't win them all, I guess. Ha?

I'm glad the city is okay. I have that to be thankful for. And I am. I always find myself to be upset about a lot of things, yes. But I always always always find myself to be thankful for everything I have whether it be a person, or a meal, or a new pillow. I always say thank you. I love that about myself. I always let people know how grateful I am for them. I am usually on top of things like that all the time. I mean every word I say. I mean every "thank you" and "I love you". If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it.

I really want to go back to school. I want normalcy. I want company. I want my bed. I want my pictures. I don't like being alone, as previously stated. I hate being so miserable especially when I know everyone else is content, even happy. I just don't like being one of the few who can't be happy. I don't like not being happy. Obvious statement, right?

I love Kaleb Babb. This is what I told him, " I feel like my day is incomplete unless I talk to you. You always have something good to say and you're always pretty levelheaded. I wouldn't survive without you "catching" the kisses I blow you. It's one of my favorite things that you do. I love that you can laugh at yourself. I love that you can be completely inappropriate and it not be inappropriate at all. You're always there. You're always caring about the people you love. You're supportive. You're realistic. You tell the truth. You're so important to me. I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you. I miss you so much. You have undoubtedly become a vitally essential part of my life. You make me so happy. Period."

You all should try to be more like Kaleb. He's amazing. I love him so much. He is the voice of reason. Fasho. At Tebbe's college kids going away party, he was in the middle of the circle and I didn't want to say it in front of everyone because I guess it could be offensive to other people (I don't know, whatever). I pulled him aside after and I was like, "I didn't want to say this in front of everyone, but I wanted you to know that I love that you have never dissapointed me." Mostly everyone else has at least once. Most likely a lot more than once. He never has. I love that more than ANY of you could ever know. I cannot survive without this boy. I love him dearly. Again, you all should try to be more like Kaleb - he's naturally perfect. :D

He has made me feel significantly better about what I was upset about. Loveit. Now that I have found myself to be tired again, I think I might go back to sleep since I'm not so angry anymore. I feel a lot better now. Phew. *sighs* All for now darlings.

xoxo DannDann

Hattiesburg

I'm in Hattiesburg. I'm in my sister's apartment witn my sister, my father, and my mother. I can only tolerate my father. I have internet but the phones are already all busy and I can barely get through to anyone. Thank God for texting and skype. There is nothing for me to do here. I can't stop worrying. I can't smile. I can't be anything but anxious. I had so many anxiety attacks yesterday. I cried all last night and I cried twice this morning. I called Cameron to talk to him and this is how that went:

Cameron - What's up?
Me - Nothing, just freaking the fuck out.
Cameron - Why?
Me - Ummm...evacuation...
Cameron - Yeah I don't really want to talk to about that
Me - *hangs up*

I was so angry. I get that you're 2,000 miles away and all but that doesn't mean you can stop caring about us. It really made me upset. Blythe, Hannah, and Casi have told me that if their houses get fucked up, they're not coming back. I won't be able to deal with that. I promise you that. I really can't stop thinking about it. Oh fuck, my sister's roommate just got home. It's funny. I used to hate her more than my sister, but those roles are reversed now. Either way, I hate them both. I hate being here. So much. I just want to see my friends. They are much more of my family than these people are. Matt said he was going to try to meet up with the rest of the Diamond today and that he would bring his computer and Skype me. I hope that works out. I just saw them a couple of days ago, but they're like my foundation you know? My friends are my life. Period.

My parents want me to go see a movie with them. The only reason I wouldn't go is because I wanna see my friends way more than a fucking movie. I don't know what to do with myself. If you have webcam/Skype, let me know. Text me. Call me (if you can). Let me know where you are. Stay safe. Keep in touch. I love you all.

xoxo

Goodbye for now

I hate evacuating. I'm leaving in like 5 minutes. Going to hattiesburg. Text me or call me to let me know you are safe. 504 453 3602. I don't know if I will have internet or phone service, but I will try to get on here when I can. Stay safe. I send my love to you all.

I hope all turns out well...or well enough.

xoxo DannDann

"I'm pretty sure we will meet again and get married eventually"

I love being a creeper. I don't see anything wrong with it. Reflective aviators were made for people like me. Story of the day - I was walking to class and I was wearing my aviators. (I love wearing them because I always stare at people and they don't know it!) So I would like check out the hott guys I saw and whatnot, especially since it wasn't obvious since they couldn't see my eyes. And I'm walking and I see this delicious boy. Not like "polo, hollister jeans, and american eagle flip flops" delicious, he was "shaggy hair, jeans, a band shirt, and chucks" delicious. So the first thing I saw were his chucks and I looked him over from bottom to top. I see the chucks, I see the jeans, I see the band shirt, and I'm thinking he's very cute. So I get to his face and he's wearing REFLECTIVE AVIATORS TOO!!! Oh my God I started laughing so hard and people stared at me. It was the best moment ever. I'm pretty sure we will meet again and get married eventually. It was too perfect.

Quote of the day -
"Doesn't Guidry remind you of a hippo?" - me
"Yeah, like you just want to play her till she eats all the marbles!" - Nametag

Love it. I'm really liking school. Weird. I'm getting all my shit done and everything is in order. I know its only been like two weeks, but it's longer than I thought this whole organization thing would last. I miss seeing Olivia. You think since we go to school together I would see her like everyday. I've only seen her twice in the past 2 weeks. I hope we can hang out soon.

Kaleb's blog got me thinking. PS - you should read it if you haven't. I doubt so many things. All the time. I try to focus on all the positive things as much as I can, hence the reason I give people multiple chances. This is weird though. I don't know how to word it. I explained it to Olivia. Okay... My love is greater than my hate. But I hate the things I hate more than I love the things I love. Does that make sense? Oh and that's not in general, just in certain circumstances. I'm not a hateful person, just a realistic one. Everytime I think about things like this, it just confuses me more. Like the things I'm trying to fix are getting in the way of me fixing them. Make sense? If not, think of it in context to Chip on Your Should (from LB) when he says "Could it be the real thing in your way is the very guy you're trying to impress?" Kind of like that. Not exactly. But I feel like the things I'm working really hard at are in the way of me succeeding in fixing things or just improving them? I think that's what I'm trying to say. I want to be positive and I'm trying, but sometimes it just gets hard when you know it's tearing you up.

I like blogging. It always make me think, which is usually a bad thing since I overthink everything. But I really like blogging. It helps me realize what I'm thinking. I always have to like write things or say them out loud for me to completely comprehend or realize my thoughts and where they come from and why I think them. I don't know. It's weird. On another note, I'm worried that my friends think I'm a bitch. I've been thinking about this a WHOLE lot lately. I realized that people who hear me or talk to me or read what I write, if they don't know me I could possibly seem like the biggest bitch in the world. I don't like it. The people who know me, know that that's how I work and that my casual "bitch" moments are not me being a bitch at all. You will know when I'm being a bitch. I'm just a smartass I guess. I really hope my friends don't think that because I really don't mean half the mean things I say, but I'm just meaner to people I'm closer to because I know they can take it and they know I love them and that I just need to be a smartass, it's me. It's just who I am and I'm not sorry for it, I just don't want people to really think I don't care because I say the things that I say. I'm not really a bitch, seriously. I can be, but I'm not. Like for real, you will know when I'm being a bitch. I don't know. It kind of aggravates me that I can even be perceived that way. Whatever. I guess people just need to get to know me.

I've been listening to Legally Blonde too much lately. Like all the time. Every day. I hope this stupid fucking hurricane doesn't hit NOLA. I'm coming in this weekend and I had my whole fucking weekend planned. Ha! Surprise? NO! I want to have fun this weekend, so hopefully that big bitch doesnt come at us. Grrr. Well, I'm done with classes for the day. I think I will nap. PS - you people need to call me every once in a while. I kind of miss you fuckers. I don't know. That's a lie. I always know. That's a good note to end on.

xoxo DannDann

Tolerance (ps - my 2nd paragraph owns)

Tolerance. What a tricky thing. Before my class this morning I just thought about how everyone is connected in some way that none of us ever think about. Example A - college. There will be a good amount of people I become friends with, a good amount of people I become enemies with, and an infinite amount of people I will never even know, nonetheless see. But we all go to the same place which means we all must want something in common. Whether it be what we want to pursue or the fact that we love this school or maybe it's just the fact that we want to go to college. I see people walking around who I would never see myself getting to know. But we are all linked together.

Example B (I really liked when I noticed this one) - I was sitting outside D Vic 240 and waiting for my teacher to get there. I was like 20 minutes early. Everyone kept walking in and out of the door to go to class or leave class. That door has the most fucking annoying noise ever. I thought, I may never see any of these people again, and if I do, I probably won't realize I saw them. Common factor - we all walk through that door. We all start the day with that door. We walk through that door with frustration, with anticipation, with drowsiness, with energy, with coffee in hand, with a smile, with the intention to meet people, with the intention to learn how to sleep with our eyes open, with hopes of not being late, with eyes rolling, with hearts beating as fast or slow as they feel like beating. We all, different as we may be, enter that door.

So I thought about this while taking notes. It made me think of this weekend. So much has happened this weekend, mainly in the last 24 hours I was home. I've become a lot closer and a lot more frustrated with quite a few people. I had no idea how much I missed Kaleb until I came here. That didn't really fit into a generalized category of how I feel about everyone, so I figured the only way to say it was seperately...oh well. Anyway, so this weekend was amazing. So many good things happened, even though bad things were sprinkled in every now and then. So I kept thinking about all my friends and how I basically know them through theatre. 8 of my 9 best friends are in theatre. Whether or not I hate or love the people I did shows with this summer, we all have that common link. We all love to be on stage. It's what we do.

Now, we come back to my first word of this blog. Tolerance. Just because you have so much or so little in common with someone, just because you have to be around them, just because you have to share that certain experience, or even just because you love them...does that mean you have to tolerate the bullshit they give you? It makes me wonder. It surprises me when my straightforwardness surprises my close friends. I'm a bitch, I know. I say the things I say for a reason. I give off vibes by accident RARELY. Even if someone is my best friend, someone I love and care about till I fall off the face of the earth, do I have to put up with the stupid shit they give me? I get the whole "you should focus on the good and not the bad" thing. Really, I do. But realistically, I don't like when people piss me off because they know that they can. If they have a reason, a legitimate reason, go ahead. But I just don't think I should have to put up with all the bullshit that I usually put up with. I have other people. You are not the only one. You couldn't be replaced, but I'm sure as fuck that there are other people who treat me better. What happens when I sit back and have to ask myself if the good really does outweigh the bad? And the thing that sucks, is that I am not surprised that the question is about you.

I don't know what to do about that. I really don't. I wonder every fucking day if I made the right decision or not and as time goes on, I'm thinking more and more that I should have chosen differently. I just don't want to get let down anymore. I have too much going on, especially as of yesterday. I don't want to have to schedule in time to deal with drama from people I don't even see that much anymore. Tolerance...what a tricky thing indeed.

xoxo DannDann

"The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a cynical bastard"

This past week has been some kind of fierce. Let's discuss my life, shall we? Thursday I said goodbye to Tyler. Matt and Kaleb also stopped by my house to bid me farewell...not like I won't see them one week later...haha. Then I stayed up for a really long time so I could finish packing. Of course, the next day when I get to Hammond I realize that I did not pack EVERYTHING. Whatever, it's all good. So Friday I moved in all my shit to my dorm, which I LOOOOOVE. Made my bed. Hung up about 70% of my clothes. Shoved everything else under my bed. I was planning on spending the night by myself there since Kaylen went back to Gonzales for the night, but Tim texted me and told me to come hang with him and Chloe. So we all got fairly drunk our first night there. Haha. It was a grand time.

Then Saturday I started to print out the pictures for my frames and the walls. I had put up Olivia's, Tyler's, and Hannah's pictures on my wall and then stopped. Theirs were really good. I was satisfied with my work for that day. Then sometime during the day on Saturday, the whole thing with Hannah started (if you don't know, please do not ask). This whole thing is really beating me up. I've been so upset about it since the SECOND day that I've been away from home. Yeah, I miss everyone and all, but this is just way more than I thought I would have to deal with so early. I really miss her. I miss chilling with her. I hate that she's so mad at me and I can't do anything about it. I really didn't mean for it to come off the way it did, both things. I know she's more mad about the second thing than the first. To be honest, I didn't see the second reason coming at all. I just hate that me and Hannah aren't "me and Hannah" anymore. I love the girl, I do. I just wish things were better. It's really been killing me. It's all I've been thinking about since then.

So Kaylen came back Saturday night and her mom brought us to Canes and we had a cute conversation and whatnot. It was good. Then Sunday was good too. I had printed out Matt's and Cameron's pictures, but I hadn't put them up yet. I finished putting away all my shit and I finished framing the pictures I wanted to frame. I organized my drawers and my clothes and my shoes and my bed and yadda yadda yadda. It's very me. I love it. Then Kaylen and I decided to drink on Sunday. Haha. What a memory. Loveit. Then we hung out with Tim and his 18 thousand friends. Then after we sobered up, we came back downstairs to our room and then spent pretty much the entire night out on the balcony talking or somewhere in the dorm talking. We talked about a bunch of shit. If you're reading this, she probably knows all about you (unless you are some stupid NOCCA kid who reads blogs that you know NOTHING ABOUT! Just thought I would throw that one in there).

Sunday was good. Kaylen and I went shopping Monday. I got reflecting aviators - the ones like Kaleb and Julie have. Love themmm. I think I might get more when I go up to BR with Chloe again. So then Kaylen's family came and brought her a tv and shit and then we all went to Trey Yeun for dinner. Oh my God, their fried rice is fucking amazing. You don't even knoooooooow *sung*. Then Chloe called me and she was all upset. She drove from BR to Hammond to come talk to me. Did I mention that at this point in time I had known the girl for 3 days? What can I say, I connect to people. Haha. So then she came over to my dorm and we chilled and then after that she drove me to BR because she wanted to hang but she had to go back to her dorm. So I slept in her dorm and we had chilled and all.

Then Tuesday morning she drove me back to Hammond. We got lunch for me, her, and Tim and brought it back to Tim's dorm. We woke him up. How laughable. HA! That was a Tyler laugh for anyone who knows what that means. So we ate with him and then Chloe left and then I went back to my room and finished all the pictures. ALL. I've been talking to Cameron, Blythe, and Jody a lot lately. That really makes me happy. Just figured I would put that in there. Anyway, so then last night I took a nap around 5 and woke up at like 7:30. Too much crying happened yesterday. I'm trying not to think about it though. Casi got skype! We talked on there for a really long time and I'm pretty sure I made the best easy Mac I have ever had! It's her birthday today - ps...in case you were wondering. I love that girl.

I had my first class this morning which made me really nervous but it was really good. It's History 101 H. The first thing out of his mouth was "Hi. The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a cynical bastard." Good start. Loveit. He's hilarious. And now, I am in the library, killing time, writing a blog. My next class is at 11. It's 10:24 right now. I will probably head over in like 15 minutes since D Vickers (where my class is) is right next door. I think I shall go get some water. I like this. I'm definitely read for this.

I'M COMING TO NOLA FRIDAY. BE EXCITED FUCKERS!!!

xoxo Dann Dann :]

New Beginnings

I need to stop thinking of others before myself. Not all the time, just every now and then. I just don't feel like getting blamed for everything anymore. I don't want to be blamed for misunderstood non goodbyes that I didn't even know was wrong. I don't want to be blamed for keeping you apart when I did nothing more than support your alone time. I don't want to be blamed for your decisions when you are completely capable of making them. I don't want to be blamed for being real with you just because you don't agree or didn't want to hear it. I don't want to be blamed for your unhappiness. I don't want to be blamed for things that are not my fault and that seems to be what is happening lately.

I don't know whether or not I like that about 50% of my realizations about my life happen whilst I am sobering up, such as tonight's. I don't like trying so hard to be the person that everyone wants to be around, the person that is always there, the person you get drunk with, the person you cry with, just the whatever you need person. I don't like trying hard to be that person that everyone needs when I end up getting blamed for stupid shit.

I'm so ready for college. I'm so glad I'm not living at home. I'm so glad I'm far from certain people now. I'm ready for a new start, ready for people who won't get mad at stupid shit. I left high school, thinking I would leave all the stupid fucking drama behind. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to try to maintain relationships that aren't worth maintaining while trying to get used to my new life. I was talking to Kaylen about this while we were outside on the balcony and when we were in the dorm. I love Kaylen by the way. Me and her are very alike. I feel like I've known her for a really long time, when it's only been about two days and we had some pretty fucking deep conversations tonight. I'm really glad she's my roommate.

I'm ready for something real. I'm ready for everyone to stop being so goddamn fake. If you have a problem with me, you can just fucking tell me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. If I can fix it, I will. And if I can't, tell me anyway so I know what I did so that I can know to not do it again. I don't see what's so hard. I'm just ready for people to be real with me. I want to know who I can rely on, who will be there on the few weekends that I come in town, who will call me just to say that they thought of "that one time when we...", who will hug me so hard that I can't breathe when they see me because they miss me so much, who will know exactly what I'm thinking RIGHT NOW. I want a new beginning. I'm ready to make decisions about my life for me, not for other people. I've done that for way too long. I'm tired of pretending like I'm sorry for things that everyone is blaming me for when I didn't even do anything wrong. That stops now. It needs to. This is my life. Not yours.

This is my new beginning. I never said it had to be on your terms.

xoxo DannDann