Expect the unexpected

Things are very unexpected nowadays. I never thought I would be telling myself to "expect the unexpected" and have it mean something completely different than when I usually say it. That's what I have learned to do lately, to expect the unexpected. Everyone has their own life. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has something they want to keep to themselves. That's okay. It's weird though when I know something about a person and they don't know that I know it. I am that person though. I always want to confirm it with them. I need to stop doing that. Right now, there are so many things I want to talk about, but none of which I am supposed to know. It's silly. It's okay that I'm not supposed to know them, but I know them is what it boils down to. Hmm. I will just have to keep those to myself. That will be my secret...knowing everyone else's.

I loooove how I worded that. I seem to be moving way the fuck forward with people I hadn't expected to and way the fuck back with people I hadn't expected to either. I know I've fucked up recently with one person. I don't like that. While talking to that person last night, they made me realize that I really do question everything. I know I always overanalyze things and I know how everyone says that when I think, it's bad (because usually, it is). But I think too much about everything. Especially, lately. I think I have been given fair reason to doubt things but I think I've doubted things that should not have been doubted. At the same time, I think I have put too much trust in others (different people from the person I was previously talking about, just to clarify). It's difficult to tell where things will go from here.

I want to have a conversation tonight with one of my friends, but I know that if I do, it will be very very very hard for me to not be that person as I had previously stated that I am. I want to talk to them though, so we shall see how it goes. I don't know how this upcoming weekend is going to be. I'm coming home, but I think this weekend will be very different than last weekend. To tell you the truth, I think I should just stop guessing what will happen. Expect the unexpected. Fersure. But anyway, after this upcoming weekend, I think I will wait a while before I come in town again and if I come in town, I might just stay home. How lame. I'm well aware. Distance is a good thing.

I got a little bit upset with Olivia today. She was kind of being a bitch earlier and then I was like, "Well this is awkward, I'm gonna go." And that was that. It was weird. She apologized later, which I didn't expect (exactly! UNEXPECTED! What a shocker.) but I laughed. I can never be mad at her. I love it. I need to see her soon too! Oh my. I reorganized my pictures into a big "clusterfuck of memories" as Kaleb put it. Haha. Loveit. It looks good. I think I am going to reinstate someone's pictures today. I miss looking at them. They were very good memories. I want people to visit me one weekend. I think you all would love my dorm, my room, my everything. Oh! It is GRAND! I have a bathtub. Check that shit out. :]]

Well I have to research a topic for a speech I have to give on Thursday and I was supposed to be looking over it all weekend. My group meets in 12 minutes and I have yet to start looking. How silly. It will all work fine. Haha. You people need to call me, you silly silly people. Until next time, lovers...

xoxo DannDann

Does that look like a suitable sleeping space for a HUMAN?!?!?

This weekend has been one of the most interesting weekends I have had. I was so excited all week that I was coming in and that some people were actually finally excited to see me. I miss that. Some people's reactions when they saw me surprised me more than others. Matthew's. Haha. Me - "Matthew, why do you keep touching my arms?" Matthew - "I just wanna touch ya! I haven't touched ya in forever!" I loved it. It made me really really happy. :]]

Anyway...so Friday we went to Jody's. We got really drunk and I ended up talking to Casi the entire night. We cried at some point but it worked out. That hug is probably the best thing that has happened to me in the past three weeks. Well, the conversation that took place during that hug. I needed that. So much. I'm worried that it's going to change based on the company that we are in, but I'm so glad it happened. A few people who were there got high. I think it's interesting how...ah. Fuck you, Dani. Nevermind. Ha! That was stupid. Continuing, so it was fun. A lot of people puked, but not me. A lot of people have bronchitis. I don't know if I do. I didn't hook up with anyone but I drank after someone who hooked up with someone who has bronchitis. No names. Ha! Don't you FUCKING love it? I hope you screamed that.

So then me, Casi, Blythe, Rachel, Monique, and Jody went to Parrot Pete's (oh my God, deliciousssss *sung*) and had a nice little lunch. Then after that we bought oranges and went to Casi's. Oh my God, I kept leaving my shit in everyone's cars. I left my bag in Mo's car, the oranges in Jody's car, and later I left my bag in Mimi's car. How silly. So anyway, we got to Casi's and chilled. Then we went to Mo's for like 2.712 seconds and I changed, then we left for Rivertown. We got there pretty much the same time as JoJo. Our tickets were supposed to work out, but they didn't, but then we made them work out. Haha. Beautiful.

Oh fuck. Miss Saigon was soooo good. I cried for pretty much ALL of the second half of Act 2. I was so proud of my boys (Aladdin anyone?) for their work. I miss them sooo much. But, oh my God, it was so fucking good. Everyone should go see it if they can. Aaaaah. It was just sooo good. Then we went to Tebbe's and Sarah Jackson's party. That was cute. I got to see a bunch of people I didn't think I would see and it was so good to see them. I was glad we went. Then after that, me, Casi, Jody, Blythe, Matt, Kaleb, and Tyler came to my house and we watched Disney movies. Holy fuck. Little Mermaid = best. casting. ever. HAAAAAAAAAAAA! You don't even know! It was so funny. That was a really, really good group of people. And we are all going to Disney World next summer. Hahaha. Oh how I wish. But it was definitely a lot of fun. So Matt, Kaleb, and Tyler left around 3 or something and then it was just the four of us.

I started thinking (and we all know how helpful THAT can be) and got a bit upset about a couple of things. Whatever. I don't want to write about it really. Sorry if you were interested. Ha? Anyway, so I went upstairs at like 4 and then Casi came up to my room at like 4:30 and we talked for a bit. Then she went back downstairs so they could watch Hercules or something, I think. I don't know when they went to bed though. All I know is that they are upstairs all passed the fuck out in the extra bedroom. Haha. It's funny. I think I might take a picture. Loveit.

I'm really glad Casi convinced me to come in this weekend. Despite being a bit upset last night after all was done, I had a really fucking good time this weekend and I'm so glad I came here. I like where things are and I like where things are going. I like that I saw Adam Segrave and almost fucking died. I love that boy sooo much. But yes, anyway, well now I'm going back upstairs. I hope you all enjoyed my lovely writing. Haha. Stay classy.

xoxo DannDann

SuperDani and the Flying Quesadilla of Strength

Hello, lovers. I hope all is well in everyone's lives. How I feel surprises me all the time. Haha! How stupid does that sound? But it's very true. I got to talk to Kaleb the other night on the phone. I forgot to write about that. I was really glad I got to talk to him. I miss that boy o so much. So it was very refreshing to talk to him that night. I talked to Matt last night on AIM for the first time in like two weeks. I'm so glad I did. It made me really happy to talk to him again. I think things are going well...with everything, not just in regards to two people I hadn't talked to in a while.

I finally got Youtube to upload my video last night! It's completely wonderful. You ALL should watch it. haHA! That must be said with emphasis on the second ha. Good. So yes, I'm coming in Friday and I'm ridiculously excited. I haven't been home in three weeks and I think when I come home this time it will definitely be better than it was three weeks ago. How silly. Friday night I know Jody wants to get a bunch of people together. I hope that works out. As long as people are there (and I don't care if its three people or three THOUSAND people) I would love to be there. So I hope I hang out with people Friday. I would very much like to do that. :) Then Saturday is "SuperDani and the Quesadilla of Flying Strength" day. You don't even know. I'm soooo excited!!! Then hopefully Casi and I are going to see Miss Saigon on Saturday. We have tickets. I'm trying to see if I can get Jody one now as I type! I hope I can, I don't know if it's sold out yet though. Hmmm. :/

I'm putting up more pictures on my wall, I guess reinstating would be a better word, I think so... however, I could be terribly wrong. Haha. Some new ones are up though. I have Nametag, Nicco, Mia, Heather, and the Original 5 (hahaha lunch table!) up now on the wall. I have to put up Kaylen though. I know what spot she's going in. I put new pictures in frames too. :) It makes me super happy. I'm not gonna lie, I really really really like my life right now. I can't believe I got a fucking B on my History exam!!! Thank Christ for a 10 point grading scale. HA! Well, I'm off to class but I shall talk to you crazy kids soon, I hope! Lovelovelove!

xoxo DannDann

Building Bridges

Darra - "I hooked up with a boy."
Me - "Shut. The. Fuck. Up."
Darra - "We are NOT talking about this!!!"
Me - "DARRA! YOU'RE A LESBIAN!"
Darra - "I KNOW!!!"

Hahahahaha. I love it here. I really do. I'm coming home this weekend to see Miss Saigon. I'm excited. I'm expecting it to be grand. And I'm spending Saturday with Casi!!! Yay!!! I don't know what I'm doing Friday night though, hopefully hanging out with some Loyola kids. I'm down for whatever though. Not like I'm trying to make a plan through a blog. How silly. HA!

I'm very proud of myself. Extremely. Building bridges, you know? I refuse to be bitter about things. Like Jody said in the very beginning, shit happens. And it does. Things are good and then they're bad and shit happens. Whether it starts back up again or whether it just ends badly, shit happens. I want to believe that one day sometime soon I can look back on memories with those people and say, "Remember that time that we..." and laugh about it. Not saying we have to be best friends, or even friends anymore, but what I had with certain people was really really great and if they don't want it anymore, I can't make them. I'm not bitter though, not anymore. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Hopefully everything can be civil with those who have ended friendships with me recently. It was good while it lasted, it really was, and for that I am grateful. I have a lot of good memories with them and that's what I choose to focus on. Yay for me. I am very proud of myself for my outlook.

I like the way my life is going now. This weekend was very lazy. I was in my dorm all weekend in my PJ pants and my stolen Brother Martin sweatshirt. It is my most comfortable (I wanted to say comfiest, but it just looks weird) combination. Secret - I love wearing that sweatshirt because everytime I wear it I think of Godspell (since I stole it during Godspell along with everyone else. Hahahaha!) and I remember that it was the time I was the happiest with my life. I think that's why that sweatshirt is so comfortable. :] Anyway, I sat in the rain for nearly two hours on Saturday. Not played in, sat in. I was so cold but I had some thinking to do and it really helped me. I called Jody Saturday and it was the first time I had talked to him in a while. It made me happy though. I miss him. Oh! I miss Blythie soooooo much! I hope I can see both of them next weekend when I see Casi. Hope hope hope! Jody I know you will read this, but I planned on telling you anyway. Haha. You are mentioned a couple of times in this blog now that I think about it. Silly JoJo.

Last night I went to the wine party for Kelly's birthday. It was so much fun. I met this girl Michelle. She's hilarious. I've never laughed so much with someone who I had just met. I'm glad I know her now. She has the best speaking voice I have ever heard, similar to Michael Lynn but it sounds like she has a sinus infection. Haha. Love it. It makes me smile. Then I had a really deep conversation with Dana on the 3rd floor balcony for like an hour and a half. Then an ambulance pulled up to the building next to our dorm so we sped downstairs and went outside to meet up with our friends who were already there. We went by the room that the strecther went to and there was like a trail of blood outside of these two doors. SKETCHYYYY! It was a killer time though. Then me, Cassie, and Darra went back to Darra's room and I helped Darra with her paper and we had another deep conversation for like an hour. It was perfect. I'm pretty sure my 11:11 wish came true.

It makes me happy that I'm happy, that I'm okay, that I'm me. I like it that way. I really can't find words at the moment to adequately express how happy it makes me that I'm doing okay. I'm a lot better. Everything seems clearer, like it will work out. These past two weeks have been really rough but I know I'm making it out alive. It makes me happy. I'm glad I can say that now. Love me or hate me...I'm happy. :]

xoxo DannDann

That Girl Who I Am Going To Fuck...During Christmas...Or Every Time I See Her

I walked into my History class about 30 seconds late. The first and only thing I see on the table in front of me is a piece of paper that says "Pick four of the following eight for short answers and pick one of the three given topics for an essay". About how it should have been an OBJECTIVE test! Dani, this is not high school, get real. I'm just praying I got at least a C. Praying.

I really am surprised with myself. Before last night I forgot how good I was at writing about something other than my life. Like I know I always write exactly the way I mean to and I know what I can say to make people think and I know that I can write lines that just make you wonder how the fuck I do it, I know. I just forget sometimes. Two of my friends are paying me to write their papers on life experience. Grand. I did that last night. They had to be about culture. Dana's was about New Orleans culture, Darra's was about gay culture. I figure that I'm a hag from New Orleans, this would be good. Oh my God, the shit I wrote...beautiful. Darra's roommate (from NOLA) read Dana's paper and cried. SHE. CRIED. Oh my God I am so fucking proud of myself. You all need to read that paper. It's so amazing. All I could do was smile the entire time I read it, all four times. Hahaha.

So everyone went out last night but I didn't. I kind of wanted to but I'm glad I didn't. Last night I was in no state to drink. Tired and frustrated. It would have been horrible. Haha? I talked to Cameron for a good hour. He made me cry from what he was saying, not like I wasn't crying already. You know why I love us? Because in the middle of tears rolling down my face and in the middle of him telling me exactly what I needed to hear...he stuttered. It was horribly noticable. I just started fucking busting out laughing and he was like, "What?" and I was like, "You stuttered." and then he was laughing at the fact that I was laughing at his stuttering while I was crying and it was just so perfect. It was so completely perfect. It was so completely us.

Me - "The difference between yall and them is that yall could re-explain me...to...me...they can't."
Cameron - "Dani, I could write a fucking book on you. Actually I am, it's with the editors."
Me - "Can you title it 'That Girl Who I Am Going To Fuck'?"
Cameron - *continuing the title* "...During Christmas"
Me - *continuing the title* "...Or Every Time I See Her"

Oh my God I love us. Go Down Moses was in my head on the way to the library today. I told myself I was going to mention that when I wrote. WHOA! I totally forgot I was writing this and took like a random 20 minute break from writing. I threw myself off. How silly. Haha. So I think things are going okay. I guess they are the best they've been lately? I think so. PS- the sticky tack of the one that I was debating...I'm taking it down today. It may mean nothing to the rest of you, but it means a whole hell of a lot to me. With that said, I'm off to lunch. Have a splendid day!

xoxo DannDann

HERCULEEEES! MY MAN!

I should've taken my pain medicine today. I had to do stairs. Not good. No sir. Every time in the past two days that I have talked to Casi I have realized how much I love to sing. I've been trying to help her pick songs for her theatre group and we were going through some yesterday (Children of God? NO!) and I started singing all the songs that Flo gave me when I still took voice with her. I miss those songs. I miss Chorale sooo much. I miss competition singing and perfecting the fuck out of our songs. People don't know what good sounds like here. Ha. That sounds really stupid, but its so true. Seriously...if you are a singer, you know what good is. If you're not a singer, your expectations (word choice? STANDARDS...perfect) for good are probably not as high as ours. I make singers sound conceited I guess. It's true. You know.

I can't wait for Wednesday. I'm redoing my hair before I come down. I'm not coming to NOLA this weekend, but next weekend I am. I think I'm gonna see Saigon, I gotta figure out who all can go with me (or who wants to. HA!) before I decide. It will have been three weeks since I been home...not bad. I like it. Minus fracturing my ankle, staying here last weekend was pretty good, especially with the timing. Gah! So I need an idea for decorating. I don't just want to keep putting up pictures. Well I do actually, I need to put more up and I need to decide if I'm keeping that one section of sticky tack up. I think I might take it down today or tomorrow. That kind of sucks. But I kind of think I should take it down. It's a hairflip. Haha. I've never written that before. I've said it a lot recently, but I haven't written it. It made me giggle.

But yeah, so I get to redo my hair Wednesday. Same colors. I like it and I hope you do (if you see me) as well. Everyone's going out tonight for Tim's birthday. EVERYONE. Not me though. A) because of my ankle and B) I have a HUGE ASS history test tomorrow. I haven't started studying. And I'm not even nervous about the objective part, I'm nervous about the essay part. I'm sure I will do fine. I have a meeting in two weeks with my academic advisor...I have to plan the next four years of my life. Scary, much? Duh. I don't even want to think about it. TOPIC CHANGE. I might watch Rent tonight before/after I study. I'm going to study. I have to. But I was going to watch it last night. It would have been a disaster. If I would've watched Rent, I would have drank with Kaylen. She told me we should drink last night and I agreed. Then I realized that I had only said that because I was upset so then I ended up not drinking because I promised myself I wouldn't drink when I was upset. I was proud of myself. Yay responsible.

My leg hurts. I think after I finish this, I'm going to get dinner to go. I don't feel like eating in the cafeteria by myself. I would much rather get food and eat it in my room and listen to my music than be in the cafeteria alone and listening to people have lame conversation around me about Star Wars or how New Orleans should not have been rebuilt (lame, I know. Trust. Me.) or the Iliad. I go to school with some stupid people. But I go to school with some pretty chill people too. I'm really glad that I bought that picture frame that I put the pictures of me, Dana, and Kaylen in. We are always together. I love it. There is absolutely no bullshit with them. It makes me happy. They're some cool kids. I don't think we should give ourselves a name though, we all want to, but I told them we can't have a group name. I have bad history with that. Haha. That sounds bitter. It wasn't meant to be, it was just fact. No one get their panties in a twist please. Thanks. Hahahahahaha. Well, now that this is all awkward I shall depart. Hahaha. All for now.

xoxo DannDann

:]]

I feel like it's about that time I blog again. I blog a lot. I like it. So about how my ankle got me a 5 day bogus extension on a paper that I had to write. And let me tell you, that paper is AMAZING. I will get to that momentarily. My life...has not been to interesting lately. I was trying to figure out what I was going to write after that elipsis and I cocked my head to the side and realized I don't want to complain about anything. Wow. I'm smiling. It's strange. I keep laughing as well because the guy on the computer next to me printed out a huge picture of a guy with an electrical outlet for a head. It is very amusing indeed. Hahahahahahaha! Too bad I can't laugh out loud in the library.

But, really. I can't say anything I haven't already said. When I focus on this one thing, it gets me down, but when I think about my life in general...it's...good. Whoa. Shut the fuck up, I wish you could all see my faces. I think maybe getting away with the paper spurred all of this. Hello positive outlook on life...there may be some things I can't do or have absolutely no control over, but for every thing I can't do there are ten thousand things that I can do or that I can control or that are in my favor. Wow. Stop it! This is ridiculous. Maybe with certain relationship, the good doesn't outweigh (definitely just corrected myself from spelling outWAY...wow Dani) the bad, but in my life...there is so much good that I should be focusing on. Shit.

Like I'm really surprised with myself. I hope I'm actually right this time. Haha. My paper...so I was supposed to write my paper Thursday night or Friday morning. Thursday night was out. So I woke up Friday morning to do it and knew it was not gonna happen. *In Jamie Schreiffer voice* Oh ah-ah! Hahahaha. So then Saturday I was gonna write it and email it to him and have it be late. Then I fell on Saturday so that didn't work. Then I was gonna do it Sunday but my mother was with me and she would ask what I was typing and I was not about to say "that paper for History that was due Friday" so then I was going to write it Monday. Monday was a day of sleep. Then I was going to write it Tuesday. Tuesday I was hanging out with Olivia and Nametag and Dana and Kaylen. Tuesday - no no. Wednesday morning at 6:30? Of course. I had class at 9. Haha. So I wrote it from 6:40 to 7:30 in the morning and then emailed it to my professor. My excuse for the lateness was that "my mom brought me home so that she could take care of me but we left my computer at school, so I got internet from my house but I didn't have my computer, which had the paper on it, so I couldn't send it to my professor" HA! This was not the case as I had just previously explained.

I'm walking my classes today. My ankle hurts when I walk...go figure, it's fractured. But then again, when I'm not walking it doesn't hurt as much...there's the positive Dani I've been missing. Oh my God. I'm a creeper. Haha. Or a "freaker" as Olivia says. You wanna know what is intimidating? Me and Olivia. If you ever thought being around the Star over the summer was intimidating, you've never been with just me and Olivia. It. Is. Ridiculous. I love it. Haha. Dinner was so much fun with her, Kaylen, and Dana yesterday. They both stared at us the whole time and they were like "Damn" and we were like *question mark* and they were like "It's hard to keep up with yall" We laughed because we know it's true. Haha. It is.

I like being positive. Yeah it was okay to be sad for a while and all and it's okay to make the effort to try and make things okay, but still, I like being happy. I like being positive. I like being me. Secret of the day - I like that being me is what I'm best at. :]]

xoxo DannDann

Yuck yuck yuck

I miss my phone. My black one. I'm using my old pink one right now. It's funny to see how much my speed dial has changed in a year in a half. I didn't even know half the people who are on my speed dial NOW a year and a half ago. Well I can't use my old phone because I dropped it when I fractured my ankle. I was walking on campus and BAM I fell and I fractured my right ankle. Not really surprised. What hurts the most though is the front of my shins. I scraped the fuck out of both of them horribly badly, right on top of the bone. Ouch ouch ouch. But I dropped my phone and the glass on the outside screen is all busted out and the inside screen when you open my phone is a big blur of colors. So I missed a good 20 text messages that I got. It still works, just not the screen. So now I'm using my old phone. Oh well.

My mother came up to Hammond yesterday when I was in the hospital. I was there by myself for an hour and a half. Talk about depressing. No one was answering their phones anyway, for whatever reasons, most of which I know. Now I can't walk though and I have to see another doctor tomorrow and I can't go to class until Wednesday at the earliest. Life has miraculous timing. It's silly. It's far more than silly. My mother is doing my laundry for me right now. I'm glad she came up here to help me. I'm very grateful for my mother.

I make a lot of generalizations because it saves time when I write. So to anyone who is mad at me or who I am mad at, I am sorry if my generalizations have brought any confusion. When I say "NOBODY cares" or "I don't want to talk to ANYONE" I don't really mean it for everyone. Right now, I feel very specific towards each person. I know most people are talking about me or the situation or something to the other people involved. I can't stop this. I just wish I could defend myself. I understand that people don't want to see me. Great. I know. And for those of you who are mad at me, you have gotten your point across, trust me, you have. I just don't know if there is anything else I can do. I don't know when I will be coming in town next...I don't feel like too many people would want to see me. Whoever reads this, you can read it as me being emo, or holding onto how I feel, or what the fuck ever. I can't really care anymore how you all take it. I guess I just won't come in for a while. It's for the best?

I think it's just a waiting game now. Everyone keeps telling me they need time and space and time and space. Okay. I get it. I just don't know how long "time" is. Oh well. It seems like I'm "bitching" about everything anyway, so I guess I will stop talking about it. No promises. I wish it would rain and I wish I didn't have a splint on my ankle so then I could go walk in the rain. I wish for a lot of things. Maybe I should stop wishing and instead, figure out how to redecorate my walls. I dont like looking at mostly yellow sticky tack dots when I lay down.

xoxo DannDann

Two blogs? ONE day? OOOOH INSANITY!!!

Yes, everyone, two blogs in ONE day! So while talking to Olivia for two hours on Facebook Chat about not knowing what to do, I think she flipped some sort of switch. Like it took us an hour and a half to sort through what I was thinking or explaining actions or thoughts or whatever. And then BAM. It makes sense. I know what I have to do. I know what I'm doing. It makes me happy. This is genuinely the happiest I have been in the past week.

PS. For those of you who don't know...I dyed my hair. Pictures? Yes. The top layer is blondish/strawberry blondish and the bottom layer is hott pink. I wanted to wait and show you all in person, but oh well. Loveit.

The blondish-ness:

How my hair looks on the top (& Kaylen's streaks):

Ponytail & you can see a bit of the underlayer:

The underlayer after the first time we did it:

The underlayer after we added more:

Loveit. Very me. I'm glad to be happy for now, at least. It's more than I can say before. Hope it works! Eeeeek! YAY!

You like it?

xoxo DannDann

1:36 PM. I should be in New Orleans right now. I would be in New Orleans right now. I planned on coming down this weekend, as of last night, but then came to the realization that nobody wants me home. Kind of dissapointing.

I hate when someone has a fucking problem with me and feels the need to not tell me, forces ME to make the effort. I don't get what is so difficult about telling me the truth. I'M SORRY IF THAT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE. I hate that I'm in this position and that I don't know what the fuck to do. A big part of me never wants to talk to anyone from home again. This week has BEYOND proven my point about people only caring when they "have" to. However, the other part of me thinks it would be sooooo not me to just fucking lose everyone by choice. But then again, I almost feel like I should lose everyone by choice. I'm worried that this is the part where I say that the good doesn't outweigh the bad. I'm worried that if I do say "Fuck everyone" that I will be losing what I love. But I'm just as fucking worried that if I don't say it, it will happen over and over.

"People fuck up. It happens." My response was, "Yeah, it just seems to be happening all the time and no one cares about it." I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to want to punch all of you in fucking face. I'm not over it...any of it. And no one cares. Half of you don't even fucking know that I'm still upset because once you find out I'm alive, you stop caring. You don't call. You don't do anything to talk to me. Nothing. It's a struggle to say the least. I feel like everyone forgot about me. Forgot. That's strong. That's accurate. Everyone forgot that we were best friends. Everyone forgot that I loved them. I'm not missed. I get it. It just sucks to wish that your "best friends" missed you one tenth of how much you miss them.

xoxo DannDann

I feel like I should write about the recent events that have happened in my life. However, I feel like if you really really really wanted to know what I was thinking, you could ask me about it. So instead of focusing on how upset and angry I am, I have decided to focus on something else.

Umbrellas. Yes, umbrellas. I don't do umbrellas. I think umbrellas are cute, but only in the "little kid with rainboots" sort of way. Umbrellas are meant for wimps or small children. I don't understand why everyone is so afraid to be in the rain. One of my favorite places to be is in the middle of the street when it's raining. It's not lava, it's not dirt, it's water. I don't get why people need to shield themselves from water. I don't get why it's such a big deal. If you have a place to go and you're all dressed up or if you just got your hair done, I get it. But if you're at WalMart (and you KNOW that over half the time you're at WalMart it rains) what's the big deal? Walk to your car. Don't run with an umbrella over your head and screaming because you're getting rained on. Waah waah. It's the rain. Enjoy it.

I've only straightened my hair maybe twice since I've been up at school. I just don't have time to. Lie. I have more time than I know what to do with. I just have bigger priorities than straightening my hair. My priorities have changed a bit in this past month. But I think everyone else's have changed more so than mine have. I've really seen who people are lately...very lately. But we won't get into that, remember?

I think I like this guy here. He's kind of cute. But he seems really chill. He seems nice. He smokes...blegh. But I want to get to know him before I decide whether or not I like him. He seems cool though. Topic change. I wish everyone could be more like Olivia. She gets me. She knows me. She's Olivia. Period. She knows exactly how I feel and I don't even have to say the words. She just knows. I love us. I love the way it works. It's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. I've been very confused lately. I realize that I always make the effort, especially when I shouldn't have to. I hate that. I hate even more that I know if I don't make the effort, that you still won't. Communication matters far less to people than it should. Society dissapoints me. Shit happens. I wish people knew how to care correctly. I wish people cared when they didn't have to. I don't like making the effort. I don't like any of this. I want it to be different and the thing that I hate the most is that I'm the only one who cares enough to change anything.

xoxo DannDann

Lights, Camera, Action

I'm pretty sure my life is a movie and no one ever told me when they started filming. The past 48 hours of my life have been completely ridiculous. COMPLETELY. Saturday was Saturday, for anyone who knows what that means. Too many tears were involved. What the fuck ever. Shit happens. No one has any right to ever say that I don't put up with everyone's bullshit. I know for fucking sure that I put up with waaaaay more shit that I should, this weekend included. Moving on...

Sunday. Sunday I had to wait two hours for my dad to finally let me use the fucking car. The Batmobile. His toy. It's a fucking car. Whatever. So I go to Tyler's house to talk about the day before and yell at him for not answering his phone. Check that off the list. I was there for about an hour. So at the end of Tyler's driveway there is this stupid fucking pole. A pole that I never hit, a pole that I'm always nervous about hitting, but never actually have. So I'm backing out onto West Metairie and I was being careful like I always do...I thought I had it. But no. I fucking hit the left front of the car on the FUCKING pole. Goddammit. So then I'm like OH SHIT. So I pull over about one street later, thinking it won't be bad. So I get out of the car and it's worse that I thought. REALLY? Half the fucking bumper was like hanging down. I proceeded to flip my shit. I pushed the bumper back up as much as I could, then I notice that the glass over the headlight is broken. Oh and the body of the car right above that...kind of caved in a bit. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I'm on my way to Matthew's house and I'm trying to come up with a story about what to tell my mother. So I come up with the story that I went to Matthew's and the car was fine and when I went outside to leave, that's what I saw. I told him what I was going to tell my mom and it was cool. So then I called my mom when I was leaving and told her the story I made up and my mom was kind of mad and my dad was fucking pissed. So I get home or whatever and Matt and his mom were like, "We don't want to have to lie to your mother about this. We don't want to be involved." I felt bad. Basically, BAM, I have to do the right thing and tell my mother what REALLY happened. I know I'm going to. Sometime today I think. I wanted to wait till I was in Hammond to tell her. I hope we don't have to evacuate again so I can just not go home for like two weeks. I don't want to have to see them right after I tell them.

Then to top that grand event, I get back to Hammond and I'm all worried as fuck about the car thing and still thinking CONSTANTLY about what I found out on Saturday and all I want to do is get settled back in my dorm. So we're there for about thirty minutes. I see Kaylen (I missed her sooooo much!). And then fucking power goes out. THE. POWER. GOES. OUT. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? So I'm sitting in the dark and I just start screaming. My head was about to explode, I was worried about being murdered by my parents, I was thinking about how much I hate being fucked over by my best friends, I was nervous that we were going to evacuate again, and the POWER GOES OUT. I stormed out of the dorm and walked downstairs and met up with my friends. So we all sat outside and they smoked...I almost did too, but I ended up not doing it. This weekend almost made me a smoker. I wish I were kidding. Then the power comes back on like thirty minutes later. I go back in the dorm. And about an hour later, the power goes out...again.

I decide to go to BR with my friends (who I sat with outside) for the night. PS - the plan for that evening at school was to get wasted, which I wanted very badly...which I deserved very badly. That plan was CANCELLED. So I went to BR and slept in Chloe's dorm with her and Tim and Sarah. Then I had to wake up at fucking 6 in the morning to come BACK to Hammond because Tim had class at 8. So I only slept three hours last night and it wasn't that great and I have all this shit on my mind. My life is a fucking movie. Now I just need to figure out how to fix the things I can before the credits roll. I have a feeling this will be a very very very long closing scene and I don't like it. At. All.

xoxo DannDann

Lessons learned

I couldn't have written the last paragraph of my previous blog with better timing. Today brought many new lessons. You will always get hurt the most by the people who are supposed to love you as much as they say they will. You will always get hurt. Period. The people change. The amount of shock changes. The names change. The faces change. The words change. The lies change. The hurt...that stays the same...no...it just gets worse. I hate that almost everyone I am friends with only thinks of themselves. I hate that how selfish people will be is clear to everyone except me. "You can't be Jack, he's already Jack." "Please....him? Him? I would never ditch you like that." Even though that joke was made way too soon considering it just happened TODAY, it's still true.

I can't recall the last time so many people who I thought cared had let me down to such an immense degree. Let's go through shall we? There's four. 1) You are the most genuine. I'm glad you were the one I talked to the most and I'm glad I have the most resolution with you from this. You listen to me. You let me do me. You let me yell at you. You handled it. Nobody else out of the four of you could've, I promise. However, you did, undoubtedly, dissapoint me with this whole situation. I thought you would be the one to say that it was wrong instead of thinking of "other things." I think I overestimated how much you cared. I know you care, but not as much as I thought you did.

2) We probably won't talk much about this, if at all. I don't like that everything you do is one-sided, especially this. I wish you cared about how upset I am. I feel like I would go to the end of the earth for you and this is what I get from you in return. I just don't understand why you all had to lie. I never know what you're thinking. I wish you would just talk to me. I highly doubt you will admit you fucked up...but you did. You all did. I just wish you cared more about how much this affected me.

3) There is no way you would've been able to be there when it happened today. You would've been scared. I don't know what I've done to you in this past week, if anything, but I absolutely cannot fucking stand that you haven't talked to me in almost a week. I don't know what your deal is. I figure that you know that I know, but I wish you would actually fucking talk to me. It used to be me that you would talk to about everything. I guess you don't need me anymore now that I'm gone. That's not what I thought I would be to you. I used to think I actually meant something to you; now I'm not so sure. You avoid things at all costs and run away. I wish you knew how upset I am with you.

4) I wanted to get somewhere when we talked. I feel like you hold back a lot. I am forever frustrated with this because you always tell me not to have a filter, not to hold things back, and yet I somehow am the one who got lied to by you. Those tables turned rather quickly. Out of anyone, you know how much I love you. I make damn sure that you always know that and for you to completely disregard how I feel just really really really hurts me. One second you tell me how much you miss me and how much you love me and how happy I make you and the next you're lying to me for reasons that "well, I don't really know why that happened." Please make up your mind whether you want to keep stepping on my heart or not and let me know so I can know whether or not it's okay for me to love you. I might be the most dissapointed in you in this situation, not necessarily overall, but in this situation, possibly.

I don't like being fucked over by people who are supposed to be closest to me. By people I love. By people I care about. I come home to see you. I come home to be with you. You didn't want to be with me because you were "aggravated" with me or something like that...I'm here for two days out of the week and I'm really starting to wonder whether or not I will be coming home as much anymore. Is it really worth it? I ask that question too much and now I'm beginning to wonder when I'm going to stop asking the question, when I am going to be happier, and when I am going to give up on people who keep dissapointing me...people like you.

xoxo DannDann

Let's cross the line

I just got out of the shower about 20 minutes ago and I want to go to bed, however I am not tired. So I figured I would write to figure out what I'm thinking. It's 3:58 AM and all I want to do is write. Go figure.

What do I want? What a question. I want to be happy with everything in my life. This is highly unrealistic, but I can still want it, can't I? I do find myself being happier with certain parts of my life (or certain people rather) than I thought I was and not as happy as I thought I was with others. It's dangerous when I think. So much runs through my mind. I have been trying not to be so dependent on others these past two days. It's been working fairly well. I've also been trying not to take things too seriously, little things. I let a lot of little things get me down to really low points. Little things that people have said that would normally really make me angry, I've just been like "whatever, it's not worth it." I don't know how long this will last, but it has been working, nonetheless.

I'm glad that I got back to my dorm Thursday, even though I was lonely as ever. I enjoyed being on my terms with everything around me. The air. The conversation. The people. The music. I loved being able to control that again. I like to be in control of things. I know this. I don't like when I know that I don't know what is going on. When I don't know a secret (sometimes) or when I don't know what two people are fighting about or some kind of situation like that. I always like to be in control of a situation, not necessarily controlling the situation, but just being conscious of everything going on. I think I am that person who knows "everything" because I like to be (not necessarily the best wording that I could've chosen, but oh well) "in the know" of things. I also talk to the people I want to know about and they trust me, therefore I find out everything or at least hear about it.

I need straight guy friends. I love my guy friends who are gay, don't get me wrong. If you know anything about me, you know that I probably love my gay guy friends more than my straight ones and that I'm undoubtedly closer to my gay boys than my straight boys. I really do love
them. They mean the world to me. But I need more straight guy friends. Not even just to consider a relationship with or anything, but just to have as friends. I was talking to Tim about his problems with his girlfriend and I realized how I am not used to straight boys with girl problems at all. But then again, I do want straight guys to be around who I can consider relationships with. I like to hookup and all, it's fun, it's grand, but I kind of want a constant in my life. (If you like math...) I don't like having so many variables, I would rather just have like pi or something. You always know what it is, you know it will always be pi, it's not gonna change and become x when its around y, you know its always gonna be pi. I want someone to love, to laugh with, to cry with, to dance with, to talk to, to smile at, to be with. I want to be with someone.

I have felt less important to certain people and more important to others in this past week. I have reassessed (spelling?) how much I think I mean to people. That wording was confusing. I have been thinking about if people value me as much as I thought they did or as much as they said they did. This past week, I have been in touch mostly with my best friends who I wasn't SUPER close to. I feel like they almost appreciate (word choice?) me more than I thought they did. I love them. I like learning how I feel about people I love. I am using parentheses way too much and I feel like I am an English teacher grading this blog. How silly. Back on topic! Anyway... I'm excited for lunch tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I miss my friends. I'm sure I will tell you all about it. Haha.

Quote of the day - "Let's cross the line" and "I love that we have a distinct us now"

All for now. Goodnight dear.

xoxo DannDann

Thinking thinking thinking

During this past week I've done a lot of thinking. I have reconsidered so many things, so many people, so many friendships in this past week. There's been a lot of "what the fuck am I doing?" in my head. I've been wondering if all the things I invest my time and commitment and heart into, if it's all worth it or not. I want to know what I mean to people. I want to know what I mean to you. I've been going off on love tangents lately for quite a few people. I always wonder what people would say about me, if I am worth it for people.

Hattiesburg makes me want to slit my wrists. Over and over again. I really hate it here. I can't tolerate my mother, my sister, or my sister's roommate. Just me and my dad. As usual. Everyone else is fucking stupid. I'm going back to Hammond today and I'm really glad about it. My father is bringing me back. That will be a relief. I'm tired of watching the fucking weather channel and CNN. I hate looking at the weather over and over. I get sick of it. Instead of watching the weather last night, I watched Palin. I like her a lot. We still don't have power at my house, but we do at my dorm. That's what matters.

I find that I miss my friends a lot and that I have sperts of missing them. I really miss my friends when I talk to them, but other than that, I'm pretty convinced I could go a month without seeing them and be fine. This contradicts half of the things I feel. I always tell people how much I want to see them, and I do. I really do want to see my friends from home. But I know I don't need to see them immediately when it comes down to it. I was thinking about this for the past 12 hours. I depend too much on other people and I think that's why I am let down frequently. I let other people take over how I feel, intentional or not. I need to become more independent. I need to be able to control the way I feel and not let other people control that. But I'm also kind of worried that if I detach myself from people, that I will lose a significant amount of the "Dani" in me.

I don't need a bandaid, I need stitches. I need a line. (Thank you Jody). I don't know if anything will change but I just hate that a majority of what I feel is because of other people. I don't like asking people what they don't like about me and having it affect me ridiculously. I just want to feel things because I want to feel them, not because I let other people push my buttons. I don't want anyone to have that option. I don't want people to be able to push buttons. It's stupid. I don't think you should let other people affect how real you are willing to be. Secrets are one thing, but you, as a person, is different. I don't think someone should have to compromise what they would say because of other people. If you want to say something, say it. I feel like I have held back a bit because of certain people, not much, but I still think I have done this. I don't like that. You hearing me or you being where I am is not going to change the way I feel and it shouldn't change whether or not I am going to say what I feel when I am around you. Make sense?

I think too much. But it's who I am. It's bad that I think too much, but someone has to think of everything. I'm that person. I don't necessarily LOVE it, but I'm okay with it. I am. I'm okay with me. I'm a fairly good person. I think so. I think I'm a good friend. It doesn't hurt to hear that every once in a while. Wish I did. Ha. But I'm content with just knowing that I know it, whether or not everyone else does. Surely, I wish everyone else knew. Oh well.

I'm glad I'm going back to school today. I'm happy with that. PS - I wish more people would call other people. I'm always the one calling people. It's my thing? I don't really like that. But I know that if I don't call, that I won't get called. I don't like it. I think it's stupid. I like getting called. It makes me feel loved. You all should try it sometime. All for now.

xoxo DannDann

Naturally perfect

SuPeRb0y21213: you know what i always wanted to say to you but i never do
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how ... hmmm whats the word
SuPeRb0y21213: i love how intense you are about friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: its a good thing
SuPeRb0y21213: i dont think enough people are serious enough about them
SuPeRb0y21213: and im glad that you take them seriously
SuPeRb0y21213: and dont get me wrong there are moments of too intense
SuPeRb0y21213: but i love that you make sure an effort at friendships
SuPeRb0y21213: i love it
SuPeRb0y21213: i love you

You don't even know. I was so upset earlier. You should've read the post I wrote earlier...before I decided to save it as a draft instead. I was not pleased, not at all. I hate being so alone. And I hate being reminded of how alone I am. Agreeing with you, it is not a personal attack, but it still makes me feel more lonely than I did before. I don't like it. I don't like crying. It's stupid. I also don't like when people don't think before they talk. I just remembered something someone said a couple of days ago in reference to crying. I laughed it off, but it really made me upset. I try not to think about it. I wish I could depend on more people than I can. Oh well. Can't win them all, I guess. Ha?

I'm glad the city is okay. I have that to be thankful for. And I am. I always find myself to be upset about a lot of things, yes. But I always always always find myself to be thankful for everything I have whether it be a person, or a meal, or a new pillow. I always say thank you. I love that about myself. I always let people know how grateful I am for them. I am usually on top of things like that all the time. I mean every word I say. I mean every "thank you" and "I love you". If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it.

I really want to go back to school. I want normalcy. I want company. I want my bed. I want my pictures. I don't like being alone, as previously stated. I hate being so miserable especially when I know everyone else is content, even happy. I just don't like being one of the few who can't be happy. I don't like not being happy. Obvious statement, right?

I love Kaleb Babb. This is what I told him, " I feel like my day is incomplete unless I talk to you. You always have something good to say and you're always pretty levelheaded. I wouldn't survive without you "catching" the kisses I blow you. It's one of my favorite things that you do. I love that you can laugh at yourself. I love that you can be completely inappropriate and it not be inappropriate at all. You're always there. You're always caring about the people you love. You're supportive. You're realistic. You tell the truth. You're so important to me. I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you. I miss you so much. You have undoubtedly become a vitally essential part of my life. You make me so happy. Period."

You all should try to be more like Kaleb. He's amazing. I love him so much. He is the voice of reason. Fasho. At Tebbe's college kids going away party, he was in the middle of the circle and I didn't want to say it in front of everyone because I guess it could be offensive to other people (I don't know, whatever). I pulled him aside after and I was like, "I didn't want to say this in front of everyone, but I wanted you to know that I love that you have never dissapointed me." Mostly everyone else has at least once. Most likely a lot more than once. He never has. I love that more than ANY of you could ever know. I cannot survive without this boy. I love him dearly. Again, you all should try to be more like Kaleb - he's naturally perfect. :D

He has made me feel significantly better about what I was upset about. Loveit. Now that I have found myself to be tired again, I think I might go back to sleep since I'm not so angry anymore. I feel a lot better now. Phew. *sighs* All for now darlings.

xoxo DannDann