No more "maybe"s

I set a goal a while back that I wanted to blog more. I haven't stuck to it. So here I am... blogging... right now.

Let's talk. Just me and you.

Time to be real. Time to not put up my wall for a hot second (and by second I mean blog post). I always talk about how I like to be busy, so I keep myself busy with everyone and everything possible in order for me to not "think". I distract myself. In essence, I avoid the sadness that is inevitable. I know this. I know it's inevitable. Why am I so afraid to be sad? Why is everyone so afraid to be sad? That's what irks (spelling?) me. When people tell me I shouldn't cry over something that I cry about. If I'm the one crying about it, I obviously think it's worth crying over. I don't need anyone to tell ME what to cry about. Then when I pretend that I'm not sad, everyone knows because my friends can read me, so it's just wasting time and effort by pretending. It's okay to be sad. Well...it's not OKAY... but it's not FORBIDDEN, you know?

I spent a lot of time with a lot of people this past week and I really enjoyed it, I did. But I'm back at school, just chilling in the library, doing my thing, and I'm sad. I'm not distracted. I'm just taking it all in. Taking in what I like and don't like about my life. What do I want to fix, what do I have the will power to fix, and what will I ACTUALLY fix? Something that I want to fix, but won't actually do it right now - smoking. I want to quit. Eventually. I'm limiting myself to buying one pack a week. And only on the weekend. I don't know what that will mean over Christmas break since I won't be at school to bum them from people. I want to quit - just not now. Procrastination central. Wah wah. I don't really give a fuck. I want to be myself. Someone super important in my life is taking time for themselves right now and I feel like that's a fiya example. I will still always be with all my friends, but I need to do me. I need to figure out what "I" am in order to do "me". Make sense? Great.

Worrying about school right now is really getting me. I'm pissed, but I'm not. Want to know why? Of course you do! Well I've been talking my ass off about how hard I've worked at school. I brought my English average up from a 64 to a 79 in two months. THAT WAS HARD. I have a 79.4 in that class and we don't have ANYMORE grades due. We have our final, but I don't know if that counts to the class or if that counts to the proficiency exam. It's complicated and stupid. So I'm pissed because it's SO close to a B, but I'm not pissed because I brought my average up 15 points in like seven weeks. I'm hardcore. I want a 3.0 but I don't think I can get it if the final doesn't count to the class. I don't know. I'm frustrated. Last week of classes. Ashley's moving home next semester. I'm getting my FOURTH roommate. That's another issue I'm having. I know it's not personal, it's just frustrating. I get really lonely. Oh, full circle, here we come.

I get really lonely. Period. I hate being lonely because I know I will think. I know when I think, I will get sad. I don't like being sad. Being sad makes me sad. How fucking stupid. I want to go to therapy again. Someone text me tomorrow and remind me to look into that. I want to. I would do it today but I won't have time. That's a lie. I have time. Right now. And I will at 2:30. Maybe I will go before my 3:30 class. Maybe not. I just want to be better. I want to fix myself - I said that Tuesday night. "I want to fix myself, but I don't know what to fix. I don't know what's broken." Maybe I need to stop being afraid of being sad and maybe I need to stop being afraid of fixing myself. Maybe I need to figure out what's wrong and then maybe I need to fix it. Maybe I need some introspection. I'm okay with that. It might take a while, but I want to be happy again. I'm happy when I'm with my friends, but when I'm not, I'm not happy. It's pretty simple to explain. Companionship = security = love = happiness. Lack thereof = opposite of previously mentioned happiness = sadness = depression = anxiety. Pretty fucking simple.

I'm really glad I blogged. I'm really glad I'm keeping to the goal... even if it takes a big fucking blog about life to make me keep to the goal, I'm doing it. I know it's going to be a long walk to being better, but I'd rather keep walking than turn around, you know?

xoxo DannDann

When you wish upon a star...

So I've been in the library for over two hours and I'm just frustrated. I'm just really fucking frustrated. And I don't know why. So I figured, I would just vent at my blog before I went back to my room to watch Glee.

I've been trying and trying and fucking trying for a month now to get my school life back on track. I've ONLY skipped once in almost five weeks. That's a pretty fucking big accomplishment if you ask me. I'm turning in everything on time, I'm doing my homework, I'm making flashcards, I'm typing my notes, I'm studying. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do as a good student...so why am I not seeing a dramatic shoot up in my grades? I know that I waited for the last two months of school to actually give a fuck. And I know that's a stupid idea. I know how much I'm doing and I know how it's about a million percent more than what I did the beginning of this semester or all of last year, and I know it's hard work and I know it will pay off eventually. But I'm not seeing it pay off yet and it's just really difficult to put forth so much FUCKING effort and not really see anything yet.

Also, I feel very out of place. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the library. I don't belong in my dorm. I don't belong in my house. I don't belong anywhere. I don't know where I belong and that, in itself, is frustrating. Not just the fact that I can't find the place that I'm looking for, but that I can't find a place at all. And THAT is aggaravating. Sometimes I really just wish I had my car and I could just drive. Just drive to some place that would feel...right. I just want to be somewhere where my best IS good enough, where my hard work DOES pay off, where I am APPRECIATED. I just want to find that place. So fucking bad.

I'm just so frustrated and so unhappy. And everyone, including myself, has too many things to do to really try to fix it. The majority of my friends don't keep in touch with each other anymore. I hate that. I wish things were back to the way they used to be. I wish we all still needed each other. I wish we all still wanted to need each other. I wish for a lot of things. Guess there's just a lack of stars lately...

xoxo DannDann

Warmth

So it's really cold
in my room.
Really cold.
And I have this
Bag of chocolate.
And it gets
really hard especially
now during the
colder days.
So when I take
out a piece of
chocolate, I put
it on top of my
iPod dock and
it melts it a
little bit.
I just thought it
would be something
you would want to
know one day when
you were feeling blue.
Just think about the
electric current
warming some
chocolate and
making it that much
more enjoyable.

You learn something new everyday =]

xoxo DannDann

JAMZ.

I'm a SMOOTH CRIMINAL and I want you to HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME. EVERYBODY BACKSTREET'S BACK. You know what else is back? The BLACK AND GOLD. They are BULLETPROOF right now, yo. Don't eat too much or you might POP. Then you'll be NUMB and never want an ENCORE. So HERE WE GO AGAIN... WHY NOT just MMMBOP? OOPS I DID IT AGAIN, I asked him to KISS ME and now I'm BLEEDING LOVE. I might've been a JUMPER if it weren't for STACY'S MOM, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT... Then I asked her to SAY MY NAME. Now I'm living the LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

This is why Hannah Claire and I are best friends. End of story. Period.

xoxo DannDann

Pool of wine

Things are becoming more stressful than I anticipated. Not skipping class for three weeks is really paying off. For example: today on my Biology test, I studied the notes for about an hour and a half today. It was all really confusing stuff, so I'm not sure how I did. I didn't make an A. With a prayer, I made a B. But I'm aiming for a C. But at least four of five questions on the test were from things that we went over in class - things that didn't even relate to biology. One question was about a violin. One was about an example he made up about mountains. Had I not gone to class, I would not have known that we don't have algae in Louisiana because we don't have rocks. So I'm definitely going to try to not skip next week and have it be a whole month of not skipping class. I'm doing really well.

I actually did my rough draft of my paper for its due date in English. For the first time in a long time. It was horrible and it was exactly what it was supposed to be - a ROUGH draft. But it was done nonetheless. I would rather get a 22/30 than a 0/30. So I did it. I've been catching up with everything, but I'm still worried about my GPA. The lowest I can get the semester, with hopes to get my scholarship back, is a 3.2. My personal goal is a 3.5. That's two A's and two B's. Right now I have a C in Biology, a C in English, a B in theatre, and a B in political science. I need to bring everything one letter grade. I don't know if I can bring up Biology and poli sci though. I might be able to bring up Biology, but it's really hard. Science has always been my worst subject. Ughhh. Enough about school...

So I talked to Olivia last night for the first time in three weeks. She had bigs news. So she tells me what's going on in her life and, for the first time in the history of Olivia and I's friendship, I got worried. It's so strange. I've never been worried about Olivia before in my entire life. She is the person I treat most like an equal. If anyone out of the majority of my close friends had the same situation, I know I would be like, "This is a bad idea and you're going to fuck yourself over" because the majority of my friends are like my "kids". I've never had to worry about her before. I've never been so quiet. She could tell I was thinking something, but she didn't know what since I wasn't saying anything. Fuck, I still don't even know what I'm thinking about it. When I hung up with her I just started bawling crying. Couldn't stop. And when I finally did stop, I would randomly get a text message from someone that would say "I miss you." I got about four of those. And I would just start crying again. I was a big ball of tears. I didn't even want to do anything but sleep. So that's exactly what I did. I slept 8 hours.

I haven't talked to anyone lately and I'm not as upset as I should be...not as I thought I would be, as I SHOULD BE. I know myself too well to think that maybe I just overestimated how much I need people. Because I didn't overestimate it. I know that I need people. I know that I am extremely socially dependent. I didn't even want to talk to anyone last night, when I was upset, and usually it's the exact opposite. Something is wrong with me, and it's not what is "usually" wrong. There are a lot of things that are "usually" wrong with me. But this is just weird. This isn't how I react, this isn't how I work. I just feel so out of it, so confused, so worried, and I don't even know why. All I know is that it's strange and I don't like not knowing how things work, especially when that thing is myself.

I don't know what to think about it. And I don't like that.

xoxo DannDann

Do you want to?

You know what's dumb? I'm afraid to be fearless. When people establish or acknowledge their fears, they build a wall to try and protect themselves from it. I can't imagine what it would be like to be fearless, because, to me, in essence, being fearless is being vulnerable. I have become too broken to even think about how shattered I would be if I wasn't afraid of being hurt.

I've been thinking about high school a lot today. I got myself to where I am today. I make sure I know at least 80% of the people in room and I make sure I'm not afraid to talk to people that I don't know or that I don't know well. But I still question everything and everyone because of who I was in high school. People made fun of me. A lot. Stupid people. People that shouldn't and don't matter. I'm not going to say I was friends with everyone, but I knew everyone. I like to always know someone whether or not they like me. To question the genuity of every single person you've met for five years takes its toll. It makes me wonder who will be there today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. Ever wonder why I'm so socially dependent? Because I can't trust myself to trust people and believe that they will be there, because there is a huge as hell chance that they won't be. It's a personal problem. But it's a problem nonetheless.

People don't understand what it's like to not be able to trust anyone but one person. When I tell you I trust you I mean it, but I only mean it as much as I can. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to anyone. But you can't understand it. Ever wonder why I always ask people if they are mad at me? Because I can't trust their first answer of "no" because it's usually a lie. Ever wonder why I always have to keep in touch with everyone? Because I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to lose people. I'm scared to be lost by someone I need, someone who doesn't care about me nearly as much as I care about them.

Everytime someone stops believing in fairies, a fairy dies, right? So what happens when people stop believing in people? The people don't die. So what happens? Something dies. Trust. Love. Stability. Communication. Strength. Something dies. I feel like a lot of pieces of me are dying, little by little, and I can't do anything to control it. I need to be reassured that I exist. Not just that you love me or that you miss me or that you care about me, but that you want to. What good is doing something if you don't want to do it? Especially when it involves someone more than yourself. It's not like homework. Because at the end of the day, you're homework won't give a fuck if you're not committed to it like you say you will be. I will care. I'm not homework. I'm not an algebra problem. I'm not a paper on a scenic designer. I'm not flashcards on microbiology. I'm not memorization of the ammendments. I'm a person. I'm Dani. I feel and I love and I hurt and I laugh and I cry and I feel sorry for myself sometimes. Just like you. I just feel like a lot of people forget that I'm just like them. That a little bit of somebody is like a little bit of everybody else.

We're all human. We all want to be loved. We all want someone to want to love us and to want us to know it. We all want to be happy. And sometimes we don't know how to do that and we need someone to help us figure it out. But nobody helps. Because nobody wants to. Do you want to?

xoxo DannDann

Words.

Why can't I get my thoughts out into words? What the fuck is happening to me? Ugh. I do not like this. I just want to know what I'm thinking. And it's weird that I don't.

xoxo DannDann

You build fences for one of two reasons: to keep people out or to keep people in.

xoxo DannDann

Hell week

So this is just a baby tiny blog that I'm writing because I'm waiting for Hallie to finish her math homework online. For further reference of Hallie, check one of my recent Dailybooth pictures. She's coming home with me for Halloween weekened, so you will all get to meet her. That reminds me that I have to start making my Halloween costume. It's gonna be fiyaaaa.

So I thought this weekend was gonna blow but I've had so much fun (minus being sick and getting in really loud, really intense drunken screaming fights over the phone at 3 in the morning...) and I liked it. I can't wait to see Monique next weekend. I miss her a lot. My head hurts. I didn't do any school work and I'm kind of glad I kept this weekend so chill. I might start making flashcards for theatre tonight or I might just do it tomorrow. I needed this weekend for sure.

Plan for school for the week. Ima be one busy motherfucker. Monday - wake up at ten. Edit/finish paper. Lunch. Paper. English class. Poli sci class. Dinner. Make theatre flashcards. Sleep. Tuesday - wake up at seven. Study theatre flashcards. Theatre class. Take midterm. Lunch. Nap. Biology class. (hopefully blog). Dinner. Make poli sci flashcards. Sleep. Wednesday - wake up at ten. Study poli sci flashcards. Lunch. Study more. English class. Poli sci class. Take exam. Dinner. Make Biology flashcards. Sleep. Thursday - Wake up at nine. Theatre class. Lumch. Study Biology flashcards. Biology class. Take midterm. Dinner. Return to dorm. Cate Street. Friday - wake up at ten. Pack for the weekend. Leave for at eleven fifteen. Get home for twelve. Go to deposition hearing at attorney's office (don't ask.) See people. DIE OF EXHAUSTION.

I just realized how rough this week is going to be. I'm definitely enjoying the end of my Sunday and not doing ANYTHING school related. Don't forget to keep in touch. Call me every now and then. I like it when I'm surprised by communication. Just saying.

xoxo DannDann

You know what I hate? BAD PEOPLE. You know why? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING SUCK.

Stop fucking with people. Where does it get you? All of you...where the fuck does it get you? Why do you do it? Just shut the fuck up and back the fuck off and get realistic. Reality is gonna slap you in the face so goddamn hard one day and I'm not gonna do a damn thing but stand by and watch. You know why? Because you FUCKING deserve every second of it.

Period.

Saved by the blog.

So...

Everything has been going on. I've been crazy busy. I would use my weekends to have chill time, but I never actually do it. I love being home because I'm doing something all the time with the people I want to do it with. Sometimes I forget about how much I have to do. Like when that midterm crept up on me yesterday, seeing as how I only found out about it two hours before I had it...which I rocked by the way =] Also, I have three exams next week. Can you say panic? PAAAAAAAAANIC. I can. I have a theatre midterm (comprehensive, of course) next Tuesday, a Political science exam next Wednesday, and a Biology exam next Thursday. So, for myself and my schoolwork, I will be staying in Hammond for the weekend. I haven't stayed up for the weekend probably since April, maybe March. I need to though. And as badly as I want to go home and see everyone and whatnot, I kind of need to stay up and study and clean and sleep and get my shit done. HOWEVER, everyone should visit me. I know this is not likely, but a girl can dream, so calm down. Anyway...

I have a rough draft of an English paper due tomorrow. It's titled "Make an Argument" and we had to go on a library database and find a good (and relevant to society) topic, preferably in the form of a question. First one I saw was "Gays in the military". WINNER. So I emailed my teacher like 25 minutes ago and asked if I could do it, since you have to get your topic approved and it would be dumb to fucking write a five page paper and have researched for hours when you can't even do it. So (hopefully) if he says yes, I already found my four sources I need. I've been in the library for about two and a half hours. I printed up four articles, altogether which use up FIFTY-THREE pages of paper. I have to read all of these pages and choose what I want to say from them, so after I get off the computer I will probably start reading and highlighting, reading and highlighting, reading and highlighting. And then I want to do my works cited and all the techinical stuff, but not write it until tomorrow. That would be too much. If my topic isn't approved, I will be beyond aggravated. Beyooooooond (, to infinity and). Some things I cannot resist.

Continuing... If I had a sense of normalcy in my life, I would say that sense of normalcy is being restored into my life. I've never been one to know (or even like the word) "normal". Seriously... who defines normal? My normal is toooootally different from yours and we both know that, so why categorize one as weird? Sorry. Minitangent. Anyway, what I would consider to be "normal" I guess is coming back. My "normal" is what makes me content, what makes me happy, what makes me...myself. Things are starting to get better, but I don't expect too much. I find that when I expect a lot, I usually get let down, so I try not to do that anymore. I've gotten pretty good at being involved without being too involved. I like being a realist. I like being "that person". So, hopefully hopefully hopefully, my "normal" has been restored.

These past two weeks have been very stressful, but very rewarding and helpful. I have learned that I can't turn in papers late anymore and I can't skip the class in which we review for the midterm. I can't skip class, period. I know I will still, but I am trying to not as much. For instance, in regards to hard work and how it NEEDS to be done in order to succeed, I wanted to go to my room and nap after class. Instead, I came to the library with the intention to blog. I, first, wanted to look up the assignment for my paper just to make sure I knew what I had to do. Then I realized it was going to be more work than I anticipated and I wasn't going to do all of it tomorrow, so I know I NEEDED to do it now, while I was motivated. You make baby tiny sacrifices, like not taking a nap, or not going home for the weekend, but I can promise you that I will clean and study this weekend. Minimal distractions. As much as I hate being stressed out, sometimes it's what I need to show me what I need to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

About 75% of this blog, thusfar has been about school. I never really talk about school that much, unless I'm venting about how I have to do homework. Blah Blah. But, it's weird. I really really really want to get on the right track and I know it will be hard and I know it will be a lot of work, but I know I have the right people to support me and the right mind to be practical about what needs to happen. I feel intelligent. I AM intelligent. A genius, if you will. A queen, if you will. I miss Chase. I miss Bryce a lot too. I talked to him on Skype today and even though I can't see him since doesn't have a webcam, it's really good that I talk to him frequently. He really makes me laugh and I love that. Like crying laughing. Not many people can make me do that on a minute basis and then the next night have a deep life conversation with me. I didn't mean to get all sappy or anything, but, fuck, he IS my husband, and I AM allowed to miss him a lot, which I do. But he makes me happy no matter where he is. Love you, hubby.

I feel so much better after blogging. Much more confident about school I guess. I feel like I've been writing for a while. Cross your fingers and say a prayer that my topic is approved. Thanks for listening. Until next time lovers...

xoxo DannDann

The Second Coming

You would think Jesus Christ himself showed up with the way people are/were acting. I laugh in the face of seriousness. If that's how people act over Jesus...then sign me up to be an athiest. Just saying.

This weekend is going well so far, overall. This week was rough. I have B's in all my classes except theatre, in which I have a D. I don't know what the fuck that is about. Don't ask questions. I need to bring that up to at least a C and the rest up to A's if I'm even THINKING about getting my scholarship together again. Hmmm I don't know about school right now. I'm doing my shit finally, but it's hard. Waah Waah, I know. I dropped Math. There was no fucking way that shit would've worked out. I need to do a bunch of shit for English for Monday. I guess that means no nap or lunch when I get back on Monday. Oh well. Do what you have to do.

Watcha Say by Jason Derulo. I'm in love. It's a remix of Hide and Seek. So good. Immaculate, even. We're going out tonight for Amelia's 18th birthday. I'm really excited. I hope it's a rousing game of cardles. I bought a new bra today and my tits look huge. Can't wait for you all to see them. It's fiyaaaaaa. Well, keeping it short and sweet, so all for now.

Say your prayers, sinners. Or else Jesus will get you, too.

xoxo DannDann

Epic.

I haven't blogged in a long time. Like legit blogged. I'm back up at school. I'm really glad about that. Here's a review of my summer...I didn't think that this summer would be as good as the last summer. Summer 08 was pretty impecable. I'm not gonna lie, I dont think anything can outshine last summer. It was amazing. Summer 08 - I found my best friends. I found the people who get me. Summer 09 - Everything was put to the test. I feel like there was a lot of shit this summer. There was a lot of fighting. There was a lot of true colors. There were a lot of lessons learned. There was a lot of Grease. Grease was the enjoyable part of the summer. It made me realize how much I miss theatre and why I love it as much as I do. I worked. I played. I laughed. I cried. I made so many new friends. Overall - this summer was worth the shit, the drama, the energy. This summer definitely made me realize a lot of things.

As well as you think you know people, there is always a chance that you will be wrong about them. You can know them in and out and they can know you better than you know yourself...and it can all be wrong. You may think you have it all figured out... but you never will. Coming to terms with that is so hard for me. Just when it's all perfect and everything's back in place and you have what you need... and then you find our that its not what you thought it would be at all. It's all a game. It's all a joke. Once I got back to school, I realized how much growing up I had done, how much growing up I have to do, and how I'm ready for it. I learned a lot this summer. I learned that I need to pick my battles more wisely. I learned that I need to get over some things. I learned that I won't always drive the car I want to drive, that the only car I drive is mine and that if I'm too busy trying to drive someone else's car that my car will always be parked and I'll never go in or out or up or down, I'll just stay still. I learned that the thing that I quite possibly miss the most, moreso than anything I have ever missed, might just have to be let go. Things happen the way they do for a reason. And I know it happened the way it did, because that's how it needed to happen. I'm better without her and she's better without me. I miss what we used to be like. But I can't miss someone who isn't the same person I became best friends with. There will always be a place for some people in your heart, no matter how much you try to fight it or push it away, you will always think about them and what you had, and they will always be a part of who you were... who you are.

Growing up is scary as hell. Growing up is paying your own cell phone bill. Growing up is getting insurance benefits from work. Growing up is reading the newspaper while you drink your coffee. Growing up is realizing that you're out of high school and realizing that you hate the actions of the people who still act like they're in high school. Growing up is making your bed without having someone tell you to do it. Growing up is meeting deadlines. Growing up is not about talking to all seventeen million of your best friends every night because you don't want to lose them. Growing up is about knowing who will be there no matter how often you talk or see each other. Growing up is not always being able to watch your favorite show or hear your song because you don't only have to be considerate of yourself. Growing up is listening. Growing up is appreciating your friends, because you will realize how few true friends you have. Growing up is learning what's important. Growing up is taking responsibility. Growing up is not going out every night. Growing up is quitting your vices. Growing up is being yourself and always maintaining who you are. Growing up is scary as hell.

I watched Crash a couple of nights ago. It's one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's so crazy how so many people can be intertwined like that. One of my new favorite quotes is from this movie. "Sometimes we miss that touch so much that we crash into people just to feel something." I didn't really think that was true the first time I heard it...but I really think it is whenever I reflect on it. Sometimes you just fight to know that the other person cares, that they want to keep you as badly as you want to keep them. Sometimes you kiss someone to remind them of how much they love you. Or maybe you just squeeze their hand "accidentally" when you hold it. You might slap someone to let them know they're dumb. You might just hold on and never let go and just hug them for what feels like forever because you know that even though you didn't want to...you feel like you can't let go because you realize how much you love them and how much that hug means and how much you feel for them and how much you have to be there (whether you think you want to be or not). And those few people who will hug back for as long as it takes, or who kiss you, or who squeeze your hand on purpose...those are the people you learn that you need to keep. Those are the ones you can't live without. Those are the ones who make or break you...who share experiences with you that will turn you into who you are.

I forgot how much I love BARE. Don't think I'm talking about the BARE that everyone knows. I'm talking about BARE when it first became BARE, with Michael Arden and John Hill. When they didn't have an official cast recording, when the cast recording is with the original people and was recorded during the show and not in a studio. Ghetto as hell, but so much better than the one that everyone obsesses over. Honestly, the voices on the current cast of BARE don't impress me that much. They're good and everything, but I fell in love with the original. I'm not anti-New BARE, I'm just pro-Original BARE. The lyrics are a little different, but the original cast is just so much better. Try and find it and listen to it if you can. Fuck, it's so good.

This is that blog I've been talking about writing. I wrote it forever ago and wanted to add more, but I realize it's just perfect the way it is. It's good. So here's my big blog whether you read it or not, fuckers. I liked it. It help me get out a lot. It took me over a month (holy shit. I just looked at the date I started it. August 19. Goddamn!) to write it. But here it is. I hope you read it. Just saying.

xoxo DannDann

Not anymore

If it weren't for Jason Robert Brown, cigarettes, and my friends...there's no way I would have gotten through these past two weeks.

My life has become unbearably complicated.

You have become insanely important to me.

You have made me laugh more than I ever thought you would.

You have been there for me every second of every day and I'm so grateful for you.

You made me realize how funny it is that we always used to argue and now all we can do is be the same person and you made me value late night trips to the market.

You made me worry, for the first time in a really long time.

You made me hopeful. Well...not anymore...

xoxo DannDann

Short and sweet

So I still intend on wiritng a really good legit blog soon. However, that is not this post. I haven't forgotten about wanting to write more. This post counts as writing. I have about two minutes before I do my English homework (last minute of course) and I thought I would write since I keep putting it off. This won't be much of substance or anything else but silliness really, but it's something.

I had a really fantastic weekend. I spent a total of about 16 hours at Loyola this weekend. I was kissed in the rain. I got bitten by bugs at KBL at 3:30 in the morning. I went swimming. I insulted a dinosaur. I let it snow. I went to a seminar. I had a very special sleepover. I laughed. I cried. It was awesome. I hope yours was good too.

But mine was better =]

xoxo DannDann

The goal has been set.

So sometime within the next week I am going to have a real blog. One of my many personal goals for this semester is to start blogging again frequently. Maybe it will be every other day during my break between classes. Maybe more. Maybe less. Maybe all the time. Maybe never. But I want to try. The goal has been set.

Update on the beginning of my sophomore year. I missed school a lot. I'm sitting here and the only reason I'm blogging is because I have ten minutes to kill before my next class and I'm waiting for everyone else to finish printing their shit so I can print my Biology syllabus. I just looked and the line is gone. I'm going to the printer now. Hold on.

I'm back. My syllabus is now stapled and hole punched. Nice and neat like it should be =] Anyway... so I've been to 4 of my 5 classes. I realized that I like to spell out numbers instead of using the number... so I've been to four of my five classes. They're all pretty good so far. English - my teacher is quirky. His daughter was a purple butterfly. Shoutout to class of 2008! I like him. Poli Sci - my teacher is kind of an asshole, but he is extremely opinionated. He is a lawyer. I am going to LOVE this class. Theatre - I love. Period. Math - I like math, but I think I am going to hate this course. I don't really like my teacher. He is very by the book. He's kind of boring. I will get over it. I haven't had Biology yet, so I can't really tell you how I feel about it yet. I'm sure I will be fine.

I think I'm going to audition for the play. Midsummer Night's Dream. Auditions tonight at 5. I think I will go. I get extra credit for auditioning. So I feel like it's a win-win, even if I don't get in the show. I'm really tired. I wish I would've had time to nap before class. I guess I will just nap after. It depends on the timing of the rest of the night as to whether or not I get my desired nap. Well, I guess I should head to class. It starts in ten minutes. I miss blogging like this. Definitely going to do more of it now.

xoxo DannDann

Timeline.

I have twenty days left of the summer. Scary.

xoxo DannDann

Okay.

So just to throw this out there before I begin...this is my 101st blog. *pats self on back*. In a year, this blog has helped me realize a lot of things... a lot of who I am, a lot about how I really TRULY feel about people, and a lot about my word choice. I really love to blog and I really thank everyone who reads these things. It helps me get lots of things, as I'm sure you know, and I feel like it's one of the few ways I can really say what I'm thinking. So thank you, blog, for being and outlet that I know I can rely on. =]

Now onto the good stuff. I went out a week ago with a couple of my friends. First time I had been to Dyke Night at The Pub in a really long time. I saw a bunch of people that I know. Chrysti, Ellen, Lauren, Maddie, ERIC, and JOBI! I went with Matt, Alex, and Kaleb. God, I love my boys (see previous blog. Ha!). I had so much fun and not a single drop of alcohol. I was so close to getting hand grenades from this one guy who I thought was straight, but then we saw him in The Pub like 10 minutes later and I gave him a bitch look. It was funny. I laughed. I can't believe I saw Eric. He looks so good. I miss him like crazy. Yes, I'm gonna buy him lunch and, yes, we WILL go to chicaaaaago one day. No one gets that but him. I love him. I talked to him every now and then. It was really good seeing him. Then I saw Jobi...

I had a really big talk with Jobi about college and high school and the huge difference. He made me think about a lot of things. And you know what I mean when I say "think". He was saying, "Yeah, you know, high school is full of bullshit and drama and hookups and people are all up in each other's business. And that's not the fucking real world. In college, you do what you want, you only look out for yourself, and no one gives a fuck and no one cares about you like they did in high school and thats amazing and that's REAL LIFE. Between me and you, I'm so glad that I don't hang out with highschoolers. *looks at my boys* They're yours? They're high school, huh? Babe, if I were you, I'd get out of that. I did. I'm glad I did. Get new people. Get people who don't give a fuck. Do what you want. Get out the drama." That conversation made me think way more than I ever thought it would. I love my friends to death, I love being with them and I love how we all are with each other but it's not how I want to live. It's very difficult because at one point I agreed with him. I don't want to deal with all of it, but I know that if I want to deal with some of it, I have to deal with ALL of it. I just wish things weren't so complicated. In the end, I am happier than I am upset with my friends. So, as of now, I'm here to stay, you know? It's complicated.

So we left Bourbon and had a really fun car ride home. Then let's fast forward to July 4th. Sounds good. I had work. Work was good. Then there was a series of awkward events and I felt so stupid and so just...whatever...about it. So I left work and went to my family reunion, which was a lot of fun, surprisingly. Then Alex picked me up and it was just awkward. Then we went to Kaleb's. Actually, I don't think I want to blog about July 4th anymore. Not because I'm trying to "control" myself, and not because I'm trying to move past it...but because I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired of thinking. People might make bad decisions or they might make good ones, and whether they learn or not from it, it's their choices. I know that. Sometimes I just don't get why people do what they do and it gets "stupid" to me. Whether it's my call or not, it's how I feel. I'm not asking anyone to agree. I just needed to say that. For myself I guess.

I don't really feel like blogging anymore at all actually. I hate that. I plan to just vent everything out and then I realize that I already have to other people and I have to stop myself from writing because of what I will think. That's dumb. I haven't been doing my homework for therapy. I probably should. But that involves writing what I feel. Maybe later in the day, when I have nothing else to do but think. That's going to be interesting...

xoxo DannDann

And by hangout all summer...you mean I can drown you in my one foot pool...

I'm listening to my music on shuffle and I'm going to write what songs play while they play. First...Be a Man - Mulan. I love that song. That brings me to my first point of this blog. I have lots of "boys" in regards to the select few I care about. You all know who you are. Some people THOUGHT they were part of that, but they were highly mistaken. I'm very proud of my boys lately though. They are all doing what's best for them. And I love them all to death. Everyone's grown up so much since last summer and I'm glad that I've been here for all of it.

Summer update... I have a new job now. I quit Body Shop for various reasons and now I work at Torrid. Torrid is a plus size store in the mall. Everything there is super amazing. You all should visit me one day. I bought a whole bunch of shit today. I bought 8 things for 47 dollars. I was very proud of my bargain hunting, even though I already knew what was on sale because I work there. Then I went to Hot Topic and bought the heels I had told everyone about. (Jenny Says - Cowboy Mouth) They're like snow leopard print, except where the white background would be is rainbow. RAINBOW! I love it. They're so cute. And I get my discount at Hot Topic, too, since it's an all around good time. I fucking love this song.

Continuing... I'm glad it's almost July. The rest of June went by pretty quickly. I'm excited to get back to school and I want the summer to hurry up, but at the same time, I don't want it to pass TOO quickly, you know? I want to read the 6th Harry Potter book before the movie comes out. I haven't read Harry Potter in years. The last one I read was the 5th one. I already know everything that happens in the 6th and 7th ones, but I wanna read them still. I hope I do. I really like reading things like that. I also want to read the two books that follow Rainbow Boys. I know one of them is Rainbow High and I forgot what the other one is called. (God Is A DJ - Pink) I don't seem like the type of person who would read in their spare time, but when I say Harry Potter and Rainbow Boys, no one is surprised. Haha. It's silly.

You know what else is silly? Renee and Jesse came over to my house last night at like 11:45 and we watched the first two episodes of Buffy. Haha. I never thought I would watch Buffy. But it's really pretty interesting. We have 20 quotes from the first 2 episodes. I wrote them down, because I didn't want to tweet all of them. So I tweeted the first one. And then it became HILARIOUS. It was a lot of fun. It's a really interesting show. You should all watch it one time. I don't think I've written about bleaching my hair or getting married. Maybe I did. Well, my husband and I bleached our hair. I love Bryce. So much. He makes me insanely happy.

You know what else makes me insanely happy? For the first time in a while, there is no relationship type drama in the circle. I think everyone is significantly happy with where they are and they don't NEED anyone else but who they already have. I really like that. I'm really proud of you for everything. You know what I mean. (Do It To It - Cherish) I really love you and I really love all my boys, the ones that actually ARE my boys. PS - If anyone wants to say shit about me, say it to my face. Don't complain about how you THINK I feel to someone else when you have NO fucking idea what the hell you're talking about. Nimrod. HA!

I have more to write about but I don't feel like writing anymore, I just haven't updated in a while. Well, all for now...I will continue this later. Thank you for reading, comrades.

xoxo DannDann

I want to be back at school. Everything just made so much more sense there. I wasn't nearly as confused there as I am here. I just want to be back there with Ashley and be busy all the time and do things the way that I want to do them. Sometimes, and by sometimes I mean ALL THE TIME, I just want to get away from things. I want to keep myself occupied. I just want to have classes and be back in Hammond. I miss it. That was my life the way I wanted it to be and now I just don't even know what I want. It's too complicated and I don't like it at all. I'm just kind of ready for the summer to be over. Is that stupid? Is this stupid? I'm just ready to go back. For a while...

xoxo DannDann

If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place in ten...

"You see...it's funny because..."

This past week has been full of ups and full of downs. Let's start with therapy. I was supposed to have therapy on Tuesday, but instead, I had it on Wednesday. I went to Hammond and it made me a lot happier to be there than I thought it would. I miss being up there so much. I'm really ready to go back. As weird as that sounds, it's so incredibly true. Well I spent two hours in therapy, instead of the usual one hour. Rashunda told me that her last day was going to be on Thursday. I cried. She gets me so well. She's the only person I have let myself be 100% honest with besides Olivia. I'm really sad that she's leaving, but she has definitely helped me learn a lot about myself and my life and how I deal with things. I really learned a whole hell of a lot from her. So I'm getting a new therapist a week from Monday. She's got some fucking huge shoes to fill. But ever since I had my last session with Rashunda, I've been thinking about everything that I talked about with her.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually starting to care about myself. I never really did that nearly as much as I should have. I'm really tired of there always being some sort of drama within the circle. Granted, there is drama that I partake in, but I really am trying to remove myself from that. I'm here as a friend and I will listen to you whenever you need me to; however, if we are all together somewhere and having a good time, please do not ruin it with your bullshit. I don't like that. That is the only time I don't deal with shit, is when I'm trying to have a good time with everyone. That's understandable, you know? But, really, I just want everyone to drop their bullshit and to not be fake. If you have a problem with me, call me and tell me. Don't act like my friend or like you have my best interests at heart and then turn around and talk shit about me or whatever. It's not okay with me. If you're one of those people, I'm sure you could give a shit less whether it's okay with me or not...but still...it's just stupid. If you're going to be a bitch, be a bitch, but just be fucking real. Don't be a half-assed bitch. Whatever side you choose, stick to it. I'm not asking you to like me, I'm just asking you to be real with me.

Anyway...I got a new job. I work at The Body Shop in Esplanade Mall. No, not The Body Shop that sells soap and shit, but The Body Shop that sells clothing and accessories. It's similar to Forever 21 stuff and everything's really cute. I like working there. I've never had my feet hurt so much in my life though. I had a 9 and a half hour shift today. I only sat maybe twice and in thirty second intervals. It's exhausting but it keeps me busy. I need to get more into the real world. Not that I don't love the theatre world (double negative), because I do love the theatre world (that's better). But I feel like part of getting out of high school and having started college and actually having a legit job are all part of growing up and moving forward in life. Sometimes I think my surroundings keep me held back. I feel like I'm stuck in high school the majority of the time, and not the good parts. I loved that about Hammond and being with everyone there. We could go out and just play pool and drink a beer and make fetus jokes and have a good time and no gossip. I enjoy gossip as much as you do, but it's nice to not have bullshit to talk about every once in a while.

I have realized within the past couple of weeks that I need to think about what (or moreso who) is important to me. I overexert myself constantly by trying to make everyone happy or by trying to be everyones' friend. I need to figure out who is here for me, who I know is here for me, and put my effort into my relationships with those people. And fuck the rest. Well, not "fuck the rest" but just don't worry about everything so much. I'm going to fucking worry myself to death if I don't sort out what's important from what's not. I think I will grow a lot this summer. I have grown a lot in this past year, mostly with how I view and deal with things/people (...Jody, that slash was for you). I know I always say "yada yada yada I have changed a lot in a year blah blah blah" but I really have. I know I have.

Update over time that I have yet to blog about: Cameron. As most of you know, Cam and I had a horrible bloodbath of a fight over Christmas break and we didn't talk for about four months. We saw each other the day after he came home for summer and we talked everything out. He is undoubtedly one of my best friends and I'm so glad that I put him back in my life. He's a part of the glue bottle. It's one of those things that no one gets except for the person being mentioned. Second update: college. My first year of college went well. Not smoothly, because my grades were way lower than what I had wanted, but it went well. I'm rooming with Ashley next year and I'm crazy excited about that!!! I miss Ashley and Olivia a lot. Especially our drunken nights at Olivia's apartment. Olivia is going to LSU next year. It makes me sad, but I genuinely hope she will love it there. If not, she better come back to SELU. Phahaha. But seriously... Third update: family. My dad and I are fine, as always. Me and Michelle have been good for a while now and I really like it. My mom and I were really bad. I would cry a lot because of my mom over the past two weeks. Ever since I told her how upset I was because Rashunda was leaving, her and I have been getting along better. I think mostly because of something me and Rashunda talked about. But I think if my mom gives me a bit more freedom, I will exercise more control and not ALWAYS be out of the house. I hope it goes well for the rest of the summer.

The O'Flanigan wedding is Wednesday at Bryce's. I'm very excited. I hope lots of people come!!! I have so much to write about, but I feel like this blog is already crazy long, so I will just write more later. I haven't had a big blog in a while. So this was what I needed, I think. "No, you are mistaken. IIIIIII HATE IT..." Thank you, Bryce, I love you.

xoxo DannDann

Breakaway

You know what I hate? When you're supposed to be happy, but you're clearly not. Why is this so hard? It really shouldn't be. I shouldn't need distractions. I shouldn't need constant conversation. I shouldn't secondguess you. I shouldn't wonder if you've found something else... something... better...

I just want to go. Right now. I want to get in my car and just drive down to KBL and get out of my car and sit by the rocks and smoke a cigarette in the rain and watch the water splash against the rocks as if they were just as frustrated as I am. I don't want to worry all of the time, all of the fucking time, about everything but myself. I want to be happy. I'm supposed to be happy, right? I'm not supposed to cry for an hour because of a song and a thought. It's what I said would make me happy, so why am I not happy? Why do I tell myself things when I know I don't mean them, or why do I believe them at least?

I wish I could be completely honest. Completely. There's so much you know about me, but there are so many things that I keep that you would never know. Honest? You think that I think differently than what I actually think. And it's not like I told you that I thought the way you thought I did. You told me you thought that I thought it. I just didn't have the heart to disagree. I don't think I will anytime soon. It gets harder. I just wish it could get easier.

I don't even get why it's so difficult in the first place. That's a lie. There's just so much that I don't say. For being open and saying how I feel, there sure is a hell of a lot that I don't tell anyone. I'm always thinking something. Always. And sometimes I forget how well people know me. Most of the time when people can tell something's wrong. OH MY GOD. TIMING. Sidebar - I used to be best best best friends with this kid Eric and he just messaged me as I am sobbing, writing this blog, and says "I misseth you". I haven't heard from him in probably 8 or 9 months. Some people have the best timing. Some people know exactly what to say. Fuck, I miss him so much. I want to see him soon. I want to hang out with him again. I want to talk to him again. Frequently. He gets me. One of the few that do. I love him. So much.

Anyway, I don't know what I need right now. I need to be happier than I am, because I deserve it. I need to find the balls to tell you how I really feel, but I know I won't. I need to decide if my heart can handle it or if it even still is. How is it possible to not know who you love? Everything keeps getting more and more complicated and I don't like that. Maybe I need a break. Maybe I need space. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know what the fuck I need.

xoxo DannDann

I hate when speak too soon.
I seem to be doing that a lot lately.

I don't do sadness

Am I over it or am I just distracted? A big part of me thinks I'm slowly but surely getting over it. But then again, just when I'm sure I'm moving on, something happens and I know I'm not as over it as I thought I was. If only it were that easy. It's hard to move on. It's really hard. But I think I'm doing it. I hope so. I'm definitely distracted and I definitely like it. But I don't know if I like it more than I reasonably should. I like it because it keeps me from thinking about the original thing, but is that the only reason I like it - because it's new, because it's a distraction - or do I like it for what it is? I think I like it for itself and not for the sole fact that it's a distraction.

I feel more comfortable with my friends than I ever have. I am so incredibly happy with that. I'm trying really hard to build all of my bridges that had been burnt. I hope the people on the other side of the bridge want to try equally as hard. Just taking it one day at a time. As this semester is about to end, it's so silly to think about how much I have grown and how much my relationships have grown. People who I didn't even know, that I now can't really live without - it's just so insane. In January, everything was ridiculously different. In August...I can't even put into words the changes that have occurred. That is far too much.

I'm glad I am where I'm at with everyone right before summer. I wouldn't rather spend my time with other people. I feel like I have so much that I want to write, but I don't know how to write any of it. I'm scared of a lot of things that I never realized I was scared of until these past couple of weeks. I'm really scared of being replaced. I realized that more than ever within this past month. I'm scared of being wrong. That sounds stupid. I realized that today. I'm scared of failure. That sounds stupid, too. I think about how I'm scared of that whenever I think about school. Not saying I'm going to fail out of school, I'm just worried about always having to work so hard and not always getting the grades I wish I had. I'm afraid of telling people how I feel - with absolutely no bullshit. Not that I lie to people when they ask my opinion, but there is so much that I hold back on. And you'll never be able to tell when I'm doing it, because how do you know there's more to the story? (Thanks, Fiona.) You don't. I want to try to work on that. But I don't know if I will. Well I guess I got out a lot of what I wanted to say within this paragraph. I just need to think about a bunch of things. But think in a good way.

I was "thinking" last week for the first time in about a month. I hated it. I hope I don't "think" this week. I really hope I don't.

Awful sweet to be a little butterfly, just winging over things and nothing deep inside. Nothing going, going wild in you, you know. You're slowing by the riverside or floating high and blue. Or may be cool to be a little summer wind, like once through everything and then away again with the taste of dust in your mouth all day but no need to know - like sadness you just sail away, cause you know I don't do sadness, not even a little bit. Just don't need in my life. Don't want any part of it. I don't do sadness. Hey, I've done my time looking back on it all, then it blows my mind. I don't do sadness, so been there. Don't do sadness. Just don't care.

xoxo DannDann

Totally fucked, will they mess you up? Well you know they're gonna try.

So I was supposed to leave Hammond an hour ago. Normally I wouldn't have any problem with the fact that I haven't left yet, but this week has been catastrophically horrible. I won't be home until about 4:30. And within two hours I have to wash, dye, dry, and straighten my hair. Then go see Smokey Joe's Cafe. Then come home and clean the house for money. Then figure out how the fuck Saturday night is going to work. I really do hope it works out. I need to be home, not just because of time restrictions, but because this week (although it had flown by) has been a bitch. I have only been to three classes this week. I still have a paper and a half to do and I missed a Biology exam. The last week of school is when the Biology makeups are. I have to make up two exams and about three quizzes. That will suck. I will just lock myself in my room that whole week and study.

I'm stressing like crazy about school. A lot has changed in the past three weeks and I haven't really talked about it. I don't really plan on it right now, so sorry if I just gave you false optimism. I went to therapy today and I talked the entire time, just telling her about all of the shit that went down over Spring Break and how I genuinely and completely honestly feel about it. I know I can be honest with my best friends, but I feel like I can't be 100% honest about absolutely EVERYTHING to anyone but Rashunda (my therapist) and Olivia. It's strange how it works. It was relieving to talk to her today though and to just get everything out all at once. I needed that. I really can't wait to get home though and see people. It refuels me.

I took down everything from my walls. They're completely empty - including the sticky tack. The song I've been stuck on all week is Totally Fucked from Spring Awakening. I like what I know of the show, but I know very little of it. I want to learn the show over the summer or at least soon. I hope everything starts working out as the school year comes to an end. I just wish I had the motivation I needed to keep positive.

xoxo DannDann

Michael...Jackson...stealing my microwave...

I never realized how much I love typing on keyboards that click very loudly. I really love it though. That's probably the main reason I'm blogging right now - because I love how it sounds. I'm at work with Olivia right now. It's pretty chill; I'm in here all the time. At least once a day. I love how one of Olivia's bosses, Robin, told me that she has her nipples pierced. I love her. I could hang out with her, I really could. She should come to Cate Street one week with us. This is very unlikely, but I really wish she would one time. She's cool. I really could be friends with her. I almost just sang her name across the universe office, but she's on the phone. Sadness all across the land.

Onto a more serious issue...I'm not as happy as I thought I was. Well, I am, but not without the people that make me happy. Yeah, there are sperts of things that make me happy here (such as unexpected cigarettes or hourlong conversations with Robin about her psycho ex-husband or Olivia's cousin's new kitten [sooo cute!]) but it's not the same as it is at home. Over Spring Break, I was legitimately happy, for the first time in a really long time. It was just chill and fun and whatever, but when I come back to Hammond I realize how much shit I have to do and that I only have three weeks to do it. Which brings me to school...I think I'm dropping my library science class. I still can (surprisingly) and my teacher even suggested it since I missed so much class. I think I'm going to do that. I'm glad that my major is Education now but it makes me nervous that I won't have any education classes until next Spring. I want to see if I like them more than I liked the Communication classes. I think I am going to get either a 2.7 or a 2.8 this semester, which isn't the 3.0 that I wanted, but it's better than the 2.3 that I got last semester. So if I get a 2.7, then my average is a 2.5 and then I only have to get a 3.5 next semester, which will be difficult but not as difficult as a 3.7. I'm sorry if any of you felt like you HAD to read this paragraph, but I hope you read it. I hope you listened... listened?... listened... with your... eyes. Yeah. Wow.

ANYWAY, MOVING ON...I am definitely ready for summer, especially the wedding. I need another job, too. PS - I started working at Zephyrs again (I started there last summer). I'm working Saturday night and then everyone should come to my house and party because I have the house to myself that night. I wanna say people can come about ten-ish. Everyone should bring money for alcohol though. I might make it a facebook event. LAME. Yeah, but I'm just ready to be home. I'm started to un-decorate (wording?) my dorm. I only have 28 pictures left on my wall that I have to take down and then I have to take down the sticky-tack. That's gonna be a bitch. I'm starting to move some of my stuff back this weekend. Also, I have to make a list of things that make me feel awkward. That's my assignment for therapy. I have to have it for Friday. I don't know if I am going to make it just a list of the major things or a list of a lot of things (major and minor). I think making that list will make me feel awkward. Well, all for now. Maybe some more tomorrow.

xoxo DannDann

"It would be more entertaining if I were dodging bullets right now"

So, here I am. At work. On my sixteenth round of Solitaire. I would rather be dodging bullets. It would be more fun. These past few days of mine were spent in Hattiesburg with Hanner. Oh my God. Those were the four most relaxing days I have had in a long long long long long time. We spent the majority of our time flashing children, getting sunburnt, eating chocolate, going to the Coch, and (most importantly) on the smoker's porch. The smokers porch is probably one of my favorite places. It easily has made its way into the top fifteen. Easily.

It's 6:54 pm and I am here for two more hours. The time is creeping by. Not okay. I'm not okay with how slow the time is going and I'm sure you're not okay with it either. And I'm not okay with neither of us being okay with it because it is not okay that we have to watch the seconds tick by, further making us even more not okay, and if you're not okay, I'm not okay and I am CERTAINLY not okay with how much longer I am have to be here and if you're not okay with it, I'm not okay with it, and if I'm not okay with you, you're not okay with it. It is just not okay. I enjoyed writing that way too much. Okay...moving on...

I think a bunch of people are going out tonight. I'm excited. I want to go out. I have to go back to Hammond tomorrow, and I REALLY don't want to. I just want to sleep for a really really really ridiculously long time. I don't know what else to say. I will update later.

xoxo DannDann

Follow Your Hunch

So steer yourself any direction you choose!

And oh, the places you'll go!
You're on your own
You know what you know.
Don't worry about
How fast or how slow.
Be certain you step
With caution and tact
Cause life is a great big
Balancing act!
And will you succeed?
You will, yes, indeed!

98 and three quarters percent guaranteed!

We all go through the experiences life puts before us so that we can learn. No matter how much we know or how much we have been through, we will always have something we can learn from, whether it be an action, a choice, a person, or an experience. As long as people keep feeling, everyone else keeps getting affected. Not saying that this is bad, but it's like a chain reaction. I learn in the ways I least expect. Recently, they have not been that great of ways, but in the end, it all turns out for the better. I learn who is there, I learn who I want to be there, and I learn that there is a differnece.

Even though I may fight with someone, the people who really truly care about me know how to show me, and I, in turn, try to show them in my way. If that doesn't work out, I just have to step back, get my shit together, and rearrange it so that everything fits again. There are a few things that need to be fixed in my relationships. I don't want to say many, because I wouldn't believe that. I like that I can be honest with people and they can be honest with me, especially when it's something neither of us want to hear, but something that both of us definitely NEED to hear. Because as much as I hate being "put in my place" every now and then, I need it. You need it too. Everyone does.

Life is a great big balancing act. I'm learning. I think I'm getting a pretty good feel for how I am and for how I am towards others. Some things I want to change, but most things I am content with, and half of the things I want to change involve more than one side. It's just difficult to change your actions without changing the relationship when the actions that fuel your actions are still the same ones that made you act the way you did in the first place. That sentence may be a bit confusing, but I understood it and I have faith in the people who read this, that they will be able to understand it.

I am listening to Suessical, hence the beginning of this blog. I've been wanting to write for a while, like legit write, not like my last blog. I miss writing all the time. I want to try to do that more again. I need to get all my shit together. I only have like a month left of school (AND I'M FUCKING EXCITED). I've decided that Hannah and I will practically live together over the summer. I can't wait for the wedding! Despite the temporary drama that came about by the wedding date, I think everything is going to be fine. Disclaimer - I never wanted anyone to get upset about dates coinciding. I'm sorry if anything I personally did upset someone about it. Dates have been moved so that it can agree with mostly everyone's schedule. PS - on another note about that, if you were invovled and dealt with it civilly, I respect that very much. If you were not or did not deal with it so, I most likely want to punch you in the face. I'm trying to move on, but I am fairly aggravated with a certain handling of the situation. If we've worked it out, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about an unresolved issue, I guess?

Anyway, this blog has been all over the place. I need to go shower and wake up Hannah because we are going to Pancho's today. Well, thank you all for reading...if you did. Follow your hunch...

xoxo DannDann

Back to then

I want to go back to this.
I want to go back to my family of 30 girls in black dresses and pearls.
I want to go back to helping Stassi quick change in Gypsy.
I want to go back to driving to Brother Martin at 7 at night to rehearse a song over and over and over and over and over.
I want to go back to being a Tenor in Pippin.
I want to go back to throwing a snowball at my sister in June.
I want to go back to the boat launch with my twinmate.
I want to go back to putting on red lipstick and purple wings.
I want to go back to that apron and that duster and that office.
I want to go back to taking shots in the kitchen.
I want to go back through that sprinkler the morning after.
I want to go back to stalking Mike behind the piano.
I want to go back to intentions before rehearsal.
I want to go back to being happy.
I want to go back to that time you called and I didn't have to.
I want to go back to that time I held your hair back.
I want to go back to that time I cried at that table before he left.
I want to go back to State Week.
I want to go back to stepping in blue icing.
I want to go back to the Fairy Dwarfmother.
I want to go back to then.

xoxo DannDann

There's a fine, fine line

It amazes how I can be so close to someone and keep the biggest secret from them. It amazes me how that one thing keeps replaying in my head and keeps making me cry and that I have no idea as to why I keep reacting this way. If only you knew. I almost told you this weekend. But I didn't. It would've been stupid of me to do that. It's one thing for me to keep it to myself, but if you ever knew, it would be a whole nother worry that I would never let go of.

When you get to the end of the road and you get out of the car and you stare at the water, it's just you. It's just you and your thoughts. And your emotions. And your tears. And you. Sometimes the overall discontentment outweighs the current happiness. I don't know how to give this up. If I give up, I will eventually be happy on realistic terms. If I give up, I give everything up. You wouldn't know why. I would say that I'm busy, that I don't have time anymore, that nothing's wrong. I'd be lying. "Drama comes from people being not truthful, from people keeping secrets, when people lie." That's playing over in my head, too. My inner response and my outer response were completely opposite.

As much as I want to stop thinking about it, I can't. I don't want to change what it is, I just wish it were how I wanted it to be. "There's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got."

xoxo DannDann

Frustration

I am so ready for everything to be done. I always have too much shit to do. I can never enjoy my Tuesdays or Thursdays off because all I can think about is all the shit I have due the next day. I don't like school. I just don't like it. I don't know what the fuck I want to do. I don't know if I fucking NEED to take this stupid fucking midterm in order to SUCCEED in my life. But I do it anyway. I'm not doing what I want to do. I don't want to fucking broadcast. I don't want to watch lectures. I don't want to take classes that I have to take because of the major that I DON'T want anymore and have it bring down my gpa which needs to be a FUCKING 3.7 WHICH IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. And if I don't get the fucking 3.7 I don't get to stay in private dorms next year. Shared dorms. SHARED. I might as well accept that it's going to happen. It's too much fucking work. I know it's Southeastern and I know it's all easy and what the fuck ever. I'm not a school person. I'm smart, but I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck about the Needle Theory and I don't give a fuck about public relations and I don't give a fuck about writing for the mass media. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I REALLY JUST FUCKING DON'T. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING INTERESTING THAT I AM ACTUALLY FUCKING INTERESTED IN.

I don't want to have to work this fucking hard for something I don't even want to do. And when I complain about how difficult it is and how unhappy it makes me, NO ONE FUCKING LISTENS. Nobody gets it. I am so incredibly unhappy. THE ONE THING I'm actually TRYING to work on is my fucking happiness. It's a little bit hard to focus on wanting to be happy when everything I HAVE to do is what makes me miserable in the first place. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want to work and make money and be happy and do what I want, without the whole get a degree part. Not even quitting school, just figuring out what the FUCK I want to do and actually doing it. Not having school be such a fucking burden and actually WANTING to learn about the things I have to learn about. I WANT TO BE INTERESTED. I WANT TO LIKE WHAT I DO.

I'm so ready for all this shit to be over. I just want someone to listen. I just want to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to enjoy it. I didn't think that was too fucking much to expect, but apparently I was wrong.

xoxo DannDann

Hammond

I underestimate how much I love my Hammond friends. I need to hang out with them more. And crowhop.

Oh my fuck. Tonight was awesome. Yes, tonight. I JUST got into my dorm. It's 5:51 AM. I fucking love them. Details later.

xoxo DannDann

See, I'm Smiling

I don't have any more answers than I did yesterday or the day before or the week before or the month before. I just want to know why everything is the way it is. Why you're not there, why I love you, why I'm scared, why you don't care, I just want to know why. I want reasons. I want answers. I don't have them. Everyone thinks I will always know what to do in situations, and for the most part I do, but everyone breaks. Everyone has cracks in their foundation whether everyone else can see them or not.

I just want to be able to understand why reality is the exact opposite of what I want it to be. We're supposed to fight our battles and get over them and move on. We're supposed to give legitimate reasons for the way we feel. You'll never know. You think you will and I will tell you that you're right, but you're not and I'm way too vulnerable to tell you that you're wrong in fear that you will guess again and then you'll guess the right thing eventually after guessing every single fucking wrong answer you could possibly guess. And when you get it right, I will be devastated, unbearably devastated, because that will be the moment that reality hits me in the face and says FUCK YOU because NOTHING will EVER be what I want it to be.

And just when I think I'll get over it...just when I think about how I'm going to be okay...just when it seems to be alright, I'm constantly reassured that it's not, that nothing will change, that I will be just as miserable as I was the day before and that I still will never tell anyone how I'm feeling. But I'm always open and everyone knows how I feel and people can read me perfectly and its easy to always see when I'm upset and it's always clear why I'm upset and everyone just always knows everything I'm thinking...right? Wrong.

I just hate knowing that I will never get what I really want, what I know could really make me happy. And nobody knows, nobody can know. I couldn't tell anyone if I wanted to. And I don't want to, so I guess that's the only easy part about this is not telling people. It's almost impossible to be on your A Game with me anymore because you don't even know what I'm thinking and what I want and who is important to me. None of you know how I'm feeling. Everyone knows me so fucking well and inside and out, right? RIGHT? YOU DON'T KNOW. You don't. You have no idea how much this kills me. And you never will. But it's okay because I guess I'm not asking you to know.

xoxo DannDann

TAKE A BREAK!

So it's noon on Mardi Gras Day and instead of being at a parade, I'm sitting on my living room sofa with my leg propped in the air. So let me tell you what happened last night. One substance + a lot of another substance = Camille's bathroom floor. After I could stand, we left Camille's and I fell and sprained my ankle, yes the same ankle I always sprain. Fanfuckingtastic. Mardi Gras is always completely different than I expect it to be. And I always have good parades and bad parades.

Junior year - Endymion was bad. Bacchus was amazing. Senior year - Endymion was amazing. Bacchus was really really really bad. This year - Endymion was pretty chill. Me and Hannah had an adventure into a woman's house. We're twenty-one, remember? It was fun. Then Bacchus, I got kinda drunk, you could say that. BONJOUR! Haha. Yes. Olivia was with me, so I was really happy about that. I had my two favorite ladies with me. Lil Mayo and Lil Stutter. Haha. I died. Then last night we didn't even really see the parade. I saw like everyone that I knew though. I saw Dana and Jen. It made me really happy to see them. I miss them a lot. Awwww. I was so happy to see them. Then everything happened that I already mentioned. Then Kaleb bought me Taco Bell. I love him so much. Hahaha. Then we came back to my house and ate and cuddled and napped. It was cute.

I don't know whether I'm going back to school tomorrow or Thursday. I think I might end up going up tomorrow. I might go up on Thursday though. I think I will go up on Thursday instead so I can hang out with Hannah Wednesday and Thursday if she can. I miss everyone so much. It gets harder and harder when I'm at school. I still don't have anyone that I'm real close to up there. Like I'm close to Dana and Jen and Ashley, but it's not like with everyone here. I miss it a lot. Especially since Kaylen isn't here anymore, it's really hard for me to deal with. I don't tell anyone that. I tell everyone I miss them, but it's not like I'm just saying the words to say them. I really mean them. I can genuinely miss people after not seeing them for a day. It's strange.

I love Mardi Gras though, I really do. It makes me happy. It's just so crazy and loud and fun. It's a big party. I like it. New Orleans is a big party. New York City may be the city that never sleeps, but New Orleans is the city that never shuts the fuck up. My sister says that all the time. I love it because it's so true. Haha. I hope these next three days are chill. Then I come home Friday again and I get to see Brycie on Saturday. I'm too excited for that. I haven't stopped talking about it for the past two weeks.

I'm kind of okay with where I am right now. Well as far as everyone should be concerned, I'm fairly okay with all of the things that everyone knows about. The other things that people don't know about, not so much, but then again, that's why people don't know them. Silliness. But other than that I'm alright. I'm just chill. I don't want to party the rest of the week. When Bryce comes in, I'm down, but before then, I just kind of want to take a break. TAKE A BREAK. WELL THEN TAKE ANOTHER ONE. Oh fuck, that shit was too fucking funny. Happy Mardi Gras, everyone!

xoxo DannDann

You cannot melt the moon! You are not Jesus!

Hello lovers. It's been quite a while. Sitting here at Hannah's work, yet again, and enjoying myself completely. So...my life is all over the place. It's not like it's uncontrollable, I'm just dipping my feet in every pool pretty much. Make sense? Kcool.

I'm dropping my History class soon. Other than that, school is going pretty well. It has to be since I need a 3.7 this semester. I'm a bit worried about that, but other than that, school is going well. I haven't been going out nearly as much as I did last semester, but I think that's good. When I do go out, it makes it so much more worth it. This Thursday for example. I went out with "the hippies." Oh my fucking hell, I love them. I was surprised that Zach was there. It was me, Nicco, Zach, Lindsey, and Paul. And this girl Erica who I thought was mute because she would like never talk. Turns out I was wrong, she's just quiet. I don't know why she hangs out with people like us then. It's rather silly. So, yes, school...going well.

My hair looks phenomenal. I'm not putting up any pictures of it until the majority of you see it. It looks soooooo fucking good. Today is going to be my first parade this year and my first Mardi Gras related experience period for the year. I'm super super excited. Endymion with The Star? Could it get any better? NO.

Hannah - "Do I judge you?"
Me - "Do I............NO!"

Hahaha. Last night was so much fun. Me and Hannah are festive to say the least. We had an amazing night. We bought Enchanted. And we went to Walmart where the line was like seventeen miles long. No exaggeration. Okay, maybe a baby tiny exaggeration. Oh well. I'm kind of broke and by kind of, I mean really. But as long as I can scrounge up money for alcohol and food this weekend, I will be set. OH MY FUCK! About how Bryce has become one of my best friends and I honestly could not be happier about that. He is too much. Like the Heat Miser, not to be confused with Jesus Christ, that's Schym. Whoa. I just referenced twelve different inside jokes. That was silly. I liked it. *Cookie voice* I like that. Hahahahaha. Oh, Cookie. She will be making a few appearances this weekend. Loveit. But yeah, Bryce comes home a week from today. We will be inseperable. If you have Twitter, you have probably stopped following us to your phone, or at all, period. We tweet a lot. On the verge of too much (see inside joke chain that follows, as shown above) (<---gay) I would even say, but it is not too much. It is perfect.

Well Hannah and I must leave soon and go get ready for Endymion. I am sooooo excited! I love Mardi Gras. See you fuckers out there!

xoxo DannDann

Bend & Not Break

I'm sitting here at 1:31 in the morning and I don't even want to sleep. I want to do something. I want to write. This song is putting me in the perfect writing mood. Listen to it. Bend & Not Break by Dashboard Confessional. What an appropriate song. They're so good.

I think since this year started, I have found out so much about myself. About what I want, about who I want, about the way I act. I feel like I have discovered way more of myself in a short period of time, well much more than I thought I would. Things have had a weird way of working themselves out. As much as I want to cry about losing two of my closest friends (by my choice completely), I'm so happy without them. That sounds really extreme, but it's incredibly true. Scratch that. It's tremensley true. I hope you got that Sweetea. Haha. Loveit. Anyway, I realized how much happier I am without having to worry about getting blamed for everything with them when I hadn't done anything wrong. I'm not really bitter about it or anything, even when I look at their pictures on the wall, I'm okay knowing that we aren't friends anymore and I can just look at those pictures and remember the good times. And yeah the good times we're real good, but all the bullshit and drama wasn't worth it for me. It took a lot for me to walk away knowing I would lose those good times as well as those bad. I'm insanely proud of myself for learning when to walk away. I've been meaning to learn how to do that this past year, and I think I finally got it. I like that.

I was complaining all last week about how people just need to get over themselves. I'm not telling everyone to not fight for what they believe in, and I'm not even saying everyone has to be friends. But I just want people to not be...I don't even know what adjective would fit. If you find the negative, don't hold on to it. Either move past it and keep going or throw it out and be done with it, something I am also coming closer to knowing how to do. Pick your battles. Example: I fought with Ashley for like three days last week for stupid shit. We were both difficult bitches to each other. Friday we blew up at each other and it was really dumb. I was really aggravated. But Friday night, I texted her and apologized. I don't want to fight with people. As much as I had said "Ashley needs to get over herself"...I kind of needed to also. It wasn't worth fighting over. I just want to be friends with people. Even if neither of us did anything wrong, I know she wasn't going to apologize unless I did first. Even if you don't want to initiate an apology, I think you should because otherwise you will stay angry for a long time because all parties invovled are too stubborn to actually fix it. So I just figure...why the fuck not? What do I have to lose?

I want to write more music. I wish I could play so that I could write it easier. I have been feeling so artsy lately. I know how dumb I sound in that last sentence. I have just been taking these really gorgeous pictures of gorgeous things. Yesterday and today, I have at least 80 pictures of the sky. It's so pretty. I have lots of them though, you all must see them. They're gorgeous. Baton Rouge was interesting this weekend...I'm just glad to be back in Hammond again. I missed my room. :]

Storytime: My friend Tim's best friend was this guy named Jamey. He was our age. In September, he got in a drunk driving wreck and flipped his truck 8 times. He passed away that night I think. He was like Tim's brother. Tim helped carry the coffin at Jamey's funeral, which was on Tim's birthday. I know, right? In October, Tim told me that story. We were in Baton Rouge, sitting on Devan and Lane's porch, smoking cigarettes and freezing in the cold. We sat out there for an hour. It made me think of all of my friends. I told him I didn't think I could deal with that. If I was at school and one of my best friends died, I don't know what I would do with myself. Just thinking about it gives me the chills. The good thing is that they always speak so highly of Jamey. I wish I could've met him so badly. I took some really good pictures at the cross that his friends put up for him where the accident was. They always talk about him. About how he was funny and brought everyone together. And how he loved to take pictures and play music. He was the coolest kid on the block...that's what he sounds like. It got me thinking, really thinking. I want to leave a Jamey type of memory for people. I want to be that kid who everyone would remember as "that girl who made me smile" or something awesome like that. I would want people to wish I was there. I want to be a memory. I want to be your memory. I've thought about Jamey almost everyday since Tim told me about him. I cried when we visited his cross. I didn't even know the kid. It's amazing how someone I've never met can have such an impact on me. I really do wish I could've met him. He sounds like someone I would really love.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I don't know if I'm in the right major. I know that I have the potential to do so many things and I'm just worried that I won't pick the right thing. You know what I would absolutely love to do (and I never thought about this before last semester when I was drunk one night with Kaylen)? I would love to teach. But only high school. I would either want to teach theatre or English. I want to inspire people. I'm real big on the whole leaving a memory, making a difference thing. I really do want to spark an interest in someone and change their lives. I would love that. I just want to help people. I know it sounds silly, but I've always thought that. Ever since I was about nine. Whenever someone would say "I'm put on this earth to be a doctor/fireman/talk show host/therapist" I would always say "I'm put on this earth to help people." I think it's so true. I think my purpose is to help people, to make them happy. I've been trying for as long as I can remember. I think I've done a pretty good job so far. I really do hope so.

I really just felt like writing. This was much longer than I expected it to be. I love writing. It makes me the happiest person in the world. As sad as I have been lately, I've realized how happy I am with my life in general. Getting rid of people I don't need and holding on tighter than ever to the people that are real is exactly what I need. They make me happy. They make me happier than anything on the planet (happier than writing and math lab combined. Watch the fuck out!) could ever make me. If you're one of those people, you should feel pretty damn accomplished. I really like how things are going right now. I really like it.

R.I.P. Jamey

xoxo DannDann

Jack and Jill

Storytales mislead your heart. Storytales don't happen. Storytales are just that...stories. Storytales are someone else's lives, someone else who is happy for more than three minutes at a time.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got and home did trot
As fast as he could caper;
And went to bed to mend his head
With vinegar and brown paper.

Jill came in and she did grin
To see his paper plaster;
Mother vexed did whip her next
For causing Jack's disaster.

Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry
But her tears did soon abate;
Then Jill did say that they should play
At see-saw across the gate

I'm sure I would be happier if the world was full of Jack's and Jill's.

xoxo DannDann

I'm afraid.

As much as you want to tell yourself that it won't get harder as time goes on...it does.

Everything changes, everyone changes. You think it's as bad as it could be and some of the time it gets better, and some of the time it gets worse. Duh. Lately, things have just been getting worse. Sometimes you just throw your hands up in the air and then you find yourself texting those same people that you can't let go of, that you dont know how to let go of, the very next day. Just when you think you aren't aggravated, someone does one little thing and you realize that you never stopped being aggravated.

Everyone moves on whether or not you do, too. I find myself sitting here devastated that I'm losing people I love and that there is nothing I can do about it. Some people I have given up on as much as I believe I possibly can. Some people are just a lost cause. Some people just fuck you over again and again and again. It's hard to give up on people when everyone is friends with each other. It's hard to be friends with someone who is best friends with the person you are trying to give up on. It's hard to give up on someone when they think nothing is wrong. It's really hard to make myself believe that things won't up the way they did before. It's hard for me to not doubt everything.

I hate how much I secondguess things. But I hate even more that I have to secondguess them. I want to find people who I can trust. Absolutely legitimately trust. It's hard for me to open up to people when I know that most of the time we will end up not being friends and that I will have wasted all of what I had on those people. You want me to be real? Here's real: I'm afraid to get hurt. Always have been. I'm afraid to trust people. I'm afraid to tell people how I really feel. I'm afraid to let you in. I'm afraid that you will leave me just like you left everyone else. I'm afraid you will find something better, if you haven't already. I'm afraid you will forget me. I'm afraid of forming a friendship that will turn into one big lie. I'm afraid of crying in front of you. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid of giving up. I'm afraid that you will turn out just like everyone else. I'm afraid to be myself around you. I'm afraid to give my opinion. I'm afraid of what you could do to me. I'm just afraid.

As much as I love being close to people, I hate it. I hate it because it always comes down to a bunch of unanswered questions, a bunch of "I don't know" and "maybe" and "I forgot" and "you're overreacting" and "I'm over it", a bunch of confusion, a bunch of lies, and a bunch of tears. A bunch of memories that will be thrown away and a bunch of people who will walk away. I don't know what categories to put people in anymore. I don't even know what categories I have anymore. I don't know what to be afraid of. What am I to you as a friend and do you let me know it? Because I'm starting to feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I called Hammond "home" yesterday.

xoxo DannDann

Weenies

Well hello blogging world! It has been a while. For this, I am grandly sorry. Not that your world stopped turning or that Hitler raised from the dead, all is fine. I'm sitting in Ashley's dorm, typing away. This past week hasn't been too eventful, believe it or not (and I strongly suggest that you should, in fact, believe it). Oh my. Story time. So the other night Ashley and I went to a playground. It was dark. And we were just sitting there swinging and smoking and we made up a rap. May I just tell you, it is genius. Remind me to sing it for you all one day. Anyway, so the cops show up out of nowhere and is like "THE PARK IS CLOSED." So then we got kicked out of the park. It was silly. That doesn't sound like it's a good story, but it really is, I promise.

I'm excited for this weekend. I'm glad that Alex is confused shitless. It makes me smile more than he will ever know. I'm just ready to see everybody, well mostly everybody. I can't wait to see Beauty. I'm so excited. I'm so proud of my boys. Awww. *insert happy tears here*

Last night was pretty bad. Lots and lots of crying. I'm dealing with too many things. I am extremely grateful for Hannah, Kaleb, and Alex. They are my life. OH MY GOD! I have been obsessed with the song "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast. (Oh my fuck, Ashley was saying library and so I typed Beauty and the Library. It ws funny.) Oh my. My life should be a movie. I promise. Ashley is completely murdering this song. And I do not approve of it at all. *makes evil look*

But yeah, I miss you fucking crazy weenies. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well I hope to see you all soon and I promise to blog about something with substance next time :]]

xoxo DannDann

When you told me I couldn't sing, when you told me it was my fault, when you said you loved me, when you asked for advice, when you had a problem, when you wanted to complain, when you understand Physics, when you hooked up with someone, when you let your hair down, when you said you didn't know, when you yelled at me, when you told me a secret, when you told me you would try, when you gave up, when you asked for an explanation, when you were upset, when you started smoking, when you didn't know if you liked him, when you told me you were unsure, when you wanted to change your major, when you hated your job, when you got too drunk, when you gave me directions, when you asked me to come over, when you were having a bad day, when you met the boy of your dreams, when you couldn't believe you thought that, when you defended yourself, when you fucked up, when you were mad at her, when you didn't want to deal with the drama, when you wanted a change, when you said you hated me, when you said you needed time, when you said you didn't know what you needed, when you turned it around on me, when you blamed me and it wasn't my fault, when you needed a friend, when you made good tips, when you talked about your coworker, when you wanted to get in control of your life, when you wanted me there - I listened.

I listened.
Why can't you?

xoxo DannDann

Princes

I'm sitting here with Hannah at her work. I like it. It's so silly. And she's working and I'm sitting her not doing anything and I'm enjoying myself. There are very few people who I can sit with and do literally nothing with and be completely content with the relationship I have with them.

I hate that I don't know what to think about/ know how to act around people that I am "so close" to. There are a few people who I have stopped caring about as much as I can and there are others that I can't quite figure out anymore. Something happened today that was kind of a slap in the face to me. You [the person] don't know it was though. My opinion has become less apparent. I have made it that way. I only tell my opinion to three people. I feel as if they are the only people that really listen anymore. Anymore...hhmmm what a word.

We all make mistakes. Fuck, I make mistakes. But sometimes when the drawbridge is lowered, it looks a lot longer than it did before. And it makes you wonder if the walk across it is worth it or not. It makes you wonder when it got so difficult to cross a bridge. It makes you wonder why you're crossing it and if you even really want to. It makes you wonder why you crossed it in the first place just to be thrown into the mote and have to swim to the other side and if you really want to cross it again. It makes you wonder if when you cross the bridge all you will hear about is how much they want something for the wrong reasons. It makes you question how much that walk meant to you, and if to them you will be another visitor, or another let down when all they wanted was that prince.

Wow. That last sentence. Have these feelings really resurfaced with both things? All this time apart from these people really has given me a million things to think about. I didn't know I still felt that way...well, I guess we all learn new things everyday...right?

xoxo DannDann

Bitch, don't make me come back there and skulldrag you!

There are so many things I want to write about. I'm just buzzing with thoughts. This semester is going to be considerably more boring than the first one was. I don't have any friends left in this hall except Kerra and Nicole and we don't really talk anyway. I don't like my roommate that much. She's not very social with me. Her friends come over and are very loud. I know that I have no room to talk since I am really loud, but there is a difference between being loud and being obnoxiously and annoyingly disruptive. I don't really like it. Oh well.

I've been getting so close to Ashley. It makes me really happy. I have a huge feeling that her and I will become best friends this semester. We went to dinner at McDonalds (classy) last night and almost got shot. There was a fight. We were the only two white people there. This girl was cursing out the girl who was working the fries. My favorite part was, "Bitch, don't make me come back there and skulldrag you!" Too much to handle. Hahaha. And then we chilled and watched American Idol. Then we got dinner tonight and watched American Idol again. Then tomorrow night we're going out to the Buzz and then I'm spending the weekend at her house and we're going to Bourbon on Friday. I'm very excited. She has hott straight guy friends. I'm very very excited.

School is going to be really tough this semester. I have to actually try and work and study. I know it's lame for me to complain about something everyone has to do, but still, I have to work really hard. I have to make a 3.7 to keep my scholarship. And I'm taking hard classes, but at least I really like my teachers. It's a whole lot of walking, too. My feet hurt a lot today when I got back home. I'm very tired as well. I like that I have Tuesday and Thursday off so I can catch up on sleep. ADD moment - I love John Legend. His video just came on tv and I love his song "Ordinary People." Look it up. Woaaaaaaaah.

About how that song just put everything into perspective. Shit. What an unexpected ending to this blog. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

xoxo DannDann

I found my silver lining.

xoxo DannDann

What an experience...

So many ups and so many downs through this past month have given me a lot to think about. This break was much more than I expected it to be (both good and bad). I came home being mad at some people and completely content with others, and now everything is all mixed up again.

Things that were unexpected this break that I am greatful for:
1. a new camera
2. getting closer to Bryce
3. talking to Hannah more than I have EVER
4. CoreWhores
5. getting closer to my sister

Things that were unexpected this break that I am aggravated with:
1. my mother [not so unexpected]
2. New Years Eve Eve and New Years Eve
3. not seeing Kaylen
4. Bryce's last night getting fucked up [even though we made it good in the end]
5. car accidents

A lot of drama has gone down in the past month. I don't want to deal with it. It really is too much. It's not something I have to deal with it. I know I put myself in the position to get invovled because I care too much about everything and everyone, however there is a line, and that line has undoubtedly been crossed. People fuck up. I fuck up. You fuck up. We all scream for ice cream. But sometimes there is no reason, no explanation, and any "sorry" that is said is usually not meant. Or it is meant, but it is not meant as in "Sorry I did it" because it's usually more of a "Sorry you got aggravated". Big difference. I know I have written about tolerating everyone's shit before, but I really just don't want to do it anymore. It has just gotten to be too much.

I have met a few new people over break. But more importantly, my relationships with the majority of my friends have changed within these four short weeks. Most of these changes I am pleasantly happy with. I am closer to Hannah than I have ever been and I love that. So much more than I could adequately explain. I became closer with Bryce than I thought I would [as I mentioned earlier]. I'm not saying we are best friends or anything, but I love how much fun I have with him. We get along very well and I love that he and I are friends. The Ronald and Kimberly relationship grows stronger everyday which I am never surprised with, but still love nonetheless. Two groups don't really exist anymore and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. But one was formed and one remains in excellent condition. I couldn't be happier with both of those groups. I haven't talked to Blythe in a while which really does make me sad. I miss her a lot. I really love how much me and Casi have talked over this break. We used to talk a lot and over the summer and a few months after we barely talked because we were so busy and now I love that this break has brought us closer again. That's all I think I want to say about my relationships and how they have changed.

I'm excited to go back to Hammond and escape the claws of my overbearing mother. I'm getting a new roommate because Kaylen got kicked out of dorms and I'm really worried I'm going to get a roommate that I will hate. Absolutely hate. I'm not sure though. I'm trying to be open minded. Oh well. Also, I found out I lost my scholarship for the Spring semester. I don't know how I can get it back but I'm going to try. I also need a job to pay off two car accidents and five months of cell phone bills. We shall see how this goes. This semester will be one hell of a ride. So I guess I better get my helmet ready and buckle up...

xoxo DannDann